Senior Year
by slickchick84
Summary: So Spencer's best friends with Kyla and very much in love with Ashley, who of course barely knows she exists. So what happens when Cupid, AKA Kyla, decides to help, by that I mean meddle? COMPLETE
1. Spencer

Okay, I didn't want to start anything new before finishing The wedding, but I need a little brake after what I feel is the disaster that was chapter 6. Not my best work that. Sorry.

This story is a bit AU, well maybe more than a bit, I basically change everything to fit my own needs.

That's what fanfiction is for, right?

So I don't own it, but I think you already knew that, I'm just putting it here 'cos everyone else does. It's not like Tom Lynch is really going to sue any of us and if he does, he's a real boob!

Senior year

Chapter 1

It hurts so much sometimes, the love. You wish it away on a daily basis, pray at night it will just leave you be. You wish you could claw away the skin and bone that cover your heart and just take it out. Rid yourself of it. Then she smiles at you in some random hallway. Her smile is magic. It does magic things to you, like for the rest of your day nothing can brake into the bubble of happiness that she surrounded you with. Days like that, although far and few between, you forget about the tears and the almost constant ache. The ache is not only located in your chest, your heart, no its your entire being that hurts, because you love her with everything you have. Your mind and heart and body. It's all hers, if she had wanted it. That makes you sad again, because she does not want it. She barely knows who you are. After two years in almost all the same classes, she barely knows your _name_. You're not sure whose fault that is, yours for being too scared and shy to approach her, or hers for not caring about anyone that was not in the golden circle.

You sigh to yourself as you watch her, all of them really. They're used to being looked at, all truly popular people are. Sometimes you wonder if they play a part in public, if they try to live up to the image they so carefully constructed. You watch as Madison scowls at some poor freshman that dared to smile at her, making some comment about how there should be a vaccine against losers. You give her points for knowing what a vaccine is, you did not think a cheerleader would, but you bet ten bucks she couldn't spell it.

Your eyes drift to Aiden. You sometimes wish it was him you loved, because even though he was the ultimate jock, king of the court and everything, he wasn't a bad guy. Not too bright, but a generally well meaning guy. He helped you out in PE once, showed you how to get up that god awful climbing rope without falling on your ass. Your own brother wouldn't do that for you, hell, he usually laughed the hardest when you fell.

You look over to him and can only sigh. You love him, you're not exactly sure why, but you do. Maybe it's the whole 'we spent nine months in a womb together' thing, you decide that has to be it, because you can't come up with a better explanation. Your twin brother is an ass after all. His only saving grace is his choice of a girlfriend and the fact that he actually loves her. You can see it in the way he always touches her, even when his attention is elsewhere, he keeps a physical connection with her. You think it's kind of cute, but wouldn't dare mentioning it to him, Glen's still Glen, he'd get pissed off with you. Well, more pissed than usual.

The girlfriend in question is sitting next to him, smiling at whatever he just whispered in her ear. You wish you were more like Chelsey sometimes. She's so free. So unaffected by all the expectations of everyone around her, she dictates her own life. She truly has the spirit of an artist, good thing she has the talent too.

A hand on her shoulder draws your attention. You love that hand, the body its attached to. You let your eyes drift up the arm, over tanned skin that you guess to be silken soft and warm. You've never had the opportunity to touch her, you wonder if you ever will. You sigh wistfully as her curled hair brushes against the delicate skin of her neck and bare shoulders. You envy that hair, wish it was your lips traveling over the exposed flesh. Then you settle on her face. You could use so many words to describe it, beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, a hundred words come to mind, but you can't choose one. It's impossible to give one simple adjective to aptly describe the breathtaking image that is Ashley Davies' face.

You nearly jump out of your skin when Kyla flops down next to you leaning her head on your shoulder. You were so focused on Ashley you blocked out everything around you. Again. It happens a few times a day, the whole zoning out and focusing only on Ashley thing. You've given up trying to stop it.

"God, Spencer. We've only been back to school for two weeks and I'm sick of it already. Can't we just skip straight to graduation?"

You smile at her whining, you're used to it by now. She's been your best friend for two years after all.

"And skip the greatness known as prom? I'm shocked, Kyla, you've been planning prom night for the last two years."

Talking about prom can always pull Kyla out of her funk, she's like obsessed with it or something.

"You're right, how could I say that! I mean I've got everything almost perfectly planned out, just waiting for Matt and Ben to leave their wives and accept our invitations."

She got all dreamy eyed then, probably perving over Matt Damon again.

"I don't know, Kyla, I'm pretty sure Jennifer Garner will kick my ass if I steal her husband. Not sure the risks out weigh the benefits here for me. You only have to handle some skinny Italian chick, wait, is she Italian or Spanish?"

Or maybe she's form Argentina, I can never remember. I just know she's kinda hot. Not as hot as Jennifer Garner though, I think I might enjoy her kicking my ass.

"Hmm, not really sure. I tend to block out anything that's not Matt related, you know?"

Off course I knew, next to prom, Matt was her greatest obsession. It was sad really, not that I was one to talk. I spent the better part of my day obsessing over loving Ashley and the rest over trying to _not_ love Ashley. How screwed up am I?

I glanced over at the golden table again, I could not really help myself. Sometimes I thought I was so obvious and wondered how no one noticed. How my best friend doesn't even see it. Secretly I wish she would pick up on my silent attraction to her step sister, then I wouldn't have to tell her. I feel bad about hiding this from her, guilty in a way. Kyla's never kept a single thing from me, she trusts me explicitly. I'm her best friend after all and best friends in her experience tell each other everything, she said so herself once. I wondered that night if it was her way of saying she knew, that I could trust her enough to confess, but I think it was just Kyla being Kyla. She was naïve like that, I mean I come from _Ohio_ and I know better than that. Ninety nine percent of all people had something they kept locked deep in that place where fear lived. Kyla was just one of the exceptions and I loved her for that.

"Now Kyla, I know you don't want to hear this, but who are we gonna take if Matt and Ben actually end up turning us down?"

I didn't care about prom, not really, but I tend to indulge Kyla on the subject. She knew and appreciated this fact.

"Ugh, I don't even want to think about that. Three quarters of the male populace at King High are idiots and the rest are ugly. I don't do idiots or ugly."

She gave a little repulsed shiver and I smiled. Kyla wasn't always the deepest or most sensitive of beings, but I liked her anyway. I always found it funny that we were friends. She was popular after all, hugely so. With the exception of Madison and Glen, most people loved her. She wasn't like the other popular kids, just because she wouldn't date an ugly guy didn't mean she would publicly humiliate him or hurt his feelings. Ugly guys appreciated this.

As for me, sure I was well liked, but I was a bookworm and this was a well known fact. I was Glen Carlin's shy twin sister and smart and that was all most popular kids cared to know about me. All except Kyla, she had for some unknown reason taken one look at me and claimed me as best friend, just like that.

"Hmm, well we have more than enough time to worry about that later. We've got the whole year ahead of us, you know? A lot can happen in a year."

Before she could reply the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. I sighed for the hundredth time today, I hadn't even eaten anything yet and I suddenly realized I was famished. Just great!

Before I could give this anymore thought I was distracted.

Ashley had walked up to our table. I could smell the faint scent of her perfume and had to suppress the urge to inhale deeply.

"Kyla can you hurry the hell up, that bitch Mrs Avory threatened detention if I'm late again."

She didn't even glance my way, not once, just grabbed Kyla's hand and tugged her away. I felt it again then, the ache. It enveloped me whole, sinking into muscle tissue and bone, penetrating every fiber that was woven together to make me. The ache was a part of me again, I think it always will be.

So let me know if you'd like me to continue this, the feedback would be appreciated.

PS. sorry if the title sucks, I couldn't think of anything else.


	2. Ashley

Thank you for those of you that reviewed, _**much**_ love and appreciation. You rock!

I'm planning on jumping between different people's points of view in this story, not just Spencer and Ashley's, but Kyla, Aiden and maybe even Paula's! I'll try to give them each their own chapter or something so it's not too confusing. Let me know if it sucks or not. Also, the first few chapters will be more about giving background info than anything else. Sorry if it lags a bit.

So I had a dream and in it I owned the show, then my alarm went off and brought with it a bitch slap back to reality. So, yeah, I don't actually own it.

Senior Year

Chapter 2

Ashley

Sometimes I feel like the only living person in the world. Like I'm not sitting in a class room full of other seniors, I'm sitting by myself, not a sound or sight to distract me from the truth. I'm all alone. Isolated. It' my own fault, I _know_ that. I push people away, I keep them at safe distances, I think it's safer that way. It might be stupid, but that's how it needs to be, because when someone you love goes away it hurts. I know that hurt intimately, it burned its place into my soul not once, but twice. I don't think it will ever leave me, that hurt or the instinct to shield myself away from everyone. The sad thing is I _hate_ being alone. Self preservation is a funny thing really. I have so many people around me, so many friends, yet I'll always be alone.

I can remember the first time. The first hurt. I was only twelve when it happened. I remember my nanny at the time coming into my room with such a grave look on her face. She had been very gentle with me, holding me close as I wept after she told me my daddy was dead. Afterwards I realized how uncomfortable she must have felt, having to tell a child her father was dead, a child she had barely even liked. I had been a bit of a brat at that age and had taken it out on her most of the time. Still, she let me cry against her chest for what felt like hours.

It took me a long time to find my balance after that. Years in fact. Strangely enough my mothers marriage to Rob Woods helped a lot. It brought Kyla into my life. I know most people in my situation dislike their step siblings, but I like Kyla. Does that mean I let her in, share everything with her like a real sister would, of course not, but sometimes she helps me forget about all the bad things. All the disappointments, all the things I've lost. I watch her as she sits two rows ahead of me, passing notes to that friend of hers. I'm honest enough with myself to say I'm jealous of them. Of their friendship. It reminds me of what I had with Aiden. That closeness.

This thought leads me to the thing that still hurts the most. The baby. My baby. For three months, I was the happiest person alive. Not a lot of sixteen year olds in my position would have shared my feelings of elation at being pregnant, but to me it was wonderful. I was going to give life to someone, someone who would depend on me, love me unconditionally, like I had loved my father. Like my father had loved me. Aiden had taken it so well, being the supportive boyfriend and best friend. He even let me choose a name, well he would of let me choose the name if my body had not betrayed me. If my womb had not rejected the small, growing life inside it. I don't remember the first few weeks after the miscarriage. It's lost somewhere inside me, in a place I leave the pieces of my broken soul. It happened in the summer, so when I started my junior year no one was the wiser. Only myself, Aiden and Kyla had known I was pregnant. We were the only ones that mourned my child.

Afterwards, things between me and Aiden were not the same. My fault again, because I pushed him away. I pushed his sadness away. I couldn't deal with it. He understood in the end and now we are still friends, but it's not the same and it never will be again.

I sigh as the bell finally rings. A text message pulls me from further getting lost in old memories and I quickly read it.

**'Party at my place! U in? Bring Kyla.'**

I let my gaze drift to where she and her friend is standing talking by their desks. I have to search my memory for the girls name, I know she's Glen's sister, but thats about it. She very rarely hangs out with Kyla at our house and we only share a class or two. At least I think we do, I'm not sure. I can't remember ever really having a single conversation with her. By the time I reach them the girl is looking at me in a quiet, sad sort of way. It kind of makes me feel bad for her, I'm not sure why.

"Hey, Kyla. Aiden just let me know he's having a party. He wants you to go, are you in?"

Kyla never says no, she's a party girl at heart, it's something we have in common I guess.

"Sure, why not, but I'm bringing Spencer."

"What!"

"Who?"

I glance at the shy girl who spoke at the same time as I did and I feel kinda bad when I realize _she's_ Spencer. I try to cover it up.

"I mean, sure, you can bring anyone you want. So you wanna go with us, Spencer?"

The blond has a deer caught in headlights look as she just stares at me in surprise. She starts to shake her head no, but Kyla cuts off whatever she was going to say.

"I'm not taking no for an answer, Spence. You're seventeen years old, you're hot and you _are _going to this party."

Spencer shook her head again.

"It's not my thing, Kyla and you know that."

Kyla rolled her eyes at this.

"You went to one party, Spencer, _one_ and you decided you didn't like it. I think thats just stupid. You have to broaden your horizons, you can't enjoy life with your nose stuck in a book."

The blond frowns at Kyla and gives her a look.

"Hey, it's totally your fault I hated that party. You were the one that decided to set me up with that moron, I mean what were you thinking, he was Madison's cousin!"

Kyla pulled a face and looked slightly ashamed.

"Okay, you totally can't blame me for not knowing the guy was a dick and, I'm saying this for the last time, I did not know he was related to Satan's Bride, other wise known as Madison. Besides, not all guys try to stick their hands up your skirt on the first date, not that I really blamed him. You're pretty hot when you're not hiding behind all that baggy clothes, your breasts can actually distract someone from noticing how gigantic your brain is. Brains are a turnoff, Spence."

I snicker at this and can't help but let my eyes drift to where the girl has securely crossed her arms over her chest. It's cute how self conscious she is.

"I'm not really looking to turn anyone on, so that's fine by me. And this is not really helping to change my mind about the party."

She flicked her eyes over to me and back at Kyla, shuffling her weight from her left foot to her right. She looked nervous for a second.

"Well how about this, I want to spend time with my best friend and let her have some fun for once. She deserves it for hanging out with me. She deserves it for getting straight A's for the last three years, she deserves it for almost never having told a lie in her entire life, she deserves it for still being a virgin at..."

Spencer's face exploded into a bright red blush as my eyebrows shot up. You didn't meet a senior that was still a virgin very often. Ad that to the fact that up close she was kinda pretty, it was a miracle really.

"Fine, fine I'll go, just stop talking please! You're right you know? I should be rewarded for hanging out with you, should maybe get a medal for bravery or something. Or a smack in the head for my stupidity, I haven't decided yet."

I stood there just listening as they kept up with the friendly bickering. It was kinda nice, for a minute or two I wasn't hearing my dead father's voice or trying to imagine what my baby would have looked like. For a second or two, when Spencer flicked her eyes over to me again, I maybe didn't even feel so alone. I watched them as they smiled goodbye and left, Spencer having agreed to catching a ride with us. I think I'll hang out with them tonight, maybe get to know Spencer a bit. It's about time I tried to see what Kyla saw in her. The more I thought about it, there had to be something special about the girl to keep my crazy step sister interested.

So let me know if you liked it, if you didn't, tell me what sucked about it. Anything can be fixed if you point out what's wrong, you know?


	3. kyla

So thanks to a vacation day I get time to do another chapter. Yay! For all of those that reviewed the last two chapter, thank you!!!!! The feedback is nice:)

So I'm saving up to try and buy South of Nowhere, but seeing as my salary sucks, it might take me a while. So I'm just borrowing it for now.

Senior Year

Chapter 3

Kyla

Now I always find it extremely funny that people think I'm stupid. I guess I shouldn't, but I'm weird like that. I mean, just because I don't get straight A's and pass with the minimum grade does not mean I'm stupid. It simply means I'm lazy. Few people realize there's a difference, it's just my cross to bear I guess.

Even my best friend thinks I'm dense. Spencer is a sweetheart, really she is, but sometimes I think she's the dumb one. Like I couldn't spot the glances, the full on 'I'm zoned out and can only see Ashley' looks that would befall my poor love struck friend. I feel sorry for her and that's the only reason I haven't called her on it yet. You see, I know how deeply she feels for Ashley, it's written on her face so clearly sometimes I just want to grab her and hug her. Promise her it will all work out. But that's a load of crap, I know that, because when it comes to my beautiful stepsister nothing will just work out okay. She's so wrapped up in her own sadness and grief, she would never see what's being offered to her. The happiness that was so in her reach if she could just pull her head out of her ass long enough to see it. Well me, little old me is going to help her yank it out.

Now I know there could be a few obstacles in the way, like the fact that Ashley appears to be _one_ _hundred_ percent straight. Add that to the fact that dear old shy Spence won't make a move even if I shove her into Ashley's arms and I guess you could say I got my work cut out for me. Now as previously mentioned I'm inclined to be lazy, but that does not mean I won't make a _supreme_ effort when the occasion calls for it. This, I think, is one of those few and far between occasions.

"So thanks for inviting Spence along, that girl really needs to get out of the house more."

Ashley barely acknowledges me, just giving me a distracted 'Hmm.' while she concentrates on the road.

"Yup, it can't all be boring books and stuff, you know? I mean sure, she's a totally hot genius that's probably gonna end up going to Harvard or Yale, but it's still not healthy if you ask me. She deserves to have some fun." I glance at her again and notice she's at least nodding her head, like she agrees with me. "You could totally help me with that, you know?"

She finally gives me a quick look.

"Yeah, how am I supposed to do that?"

I'm surprised at the way she asks the question, because for a moment or two it sounds like she is really interested in helping out. This is actually confirmed when she glances at me again, this time questioningly. I didn't think she would be so accommodating right from the get go, so it takes me a second to actually come up with something.

"Oh...ah...well, you could totally get her to dance tonight. She loves to dance, but she's pretty shy, she does come from Ohio and all. The last time she probably had the occasion to dance was the last party I took her to and then the idiot date had his hand on her ass the minute she was standing. Needles to say she spent a couple of hours solid on the couch."

Ashley is nodding her head and I wonder when the penny is going to drop. This is all just a bit _too_ easy.

"I can do that. I mean I was gonna dance anyway, I might as well drag her with me. Hey, we're here, should I just hoot or what?"

I think about it for a second and decide it's better if I go in. I kinda want to make sure Spencer is wearing something appropriate.

"No, just give me a minute and we'll be right out."

Her dad opens the door for me and I don't bother to wait for an invitation, I basically live there anyway, so I just say hi and run up the stairs. I'm not surprised to find Spencer nervously biting her thumb nail while staring at the floor. At least she looks good, she's got on a pair of tight black jeans and a cute metallic blue top. I guess it's new, because I know every single outfit in her closet, after all I did help to pick it all out. When she looks up I can't help but smile approvingly. The color of the top does things to those blue eyes of hers. Wonderful things.

"So, you ready?"

I watch as she looks around, making sure she has her phone and purse.

"Hey, yeah I'm good to go. So where's your sister?"

Her 'oh so casual' question has me hiding a grin. She really does think I'm stupid.

"Ashley's waiting in the car, so hurry up before she just leaves us here."

She's up like a shot, but by the time we're down the stairs and heading for the front door, she slows down and starts nibbling her bottom lip. I can feel the nervous energy pouring off of her as I lay a hand on her shoulder.

"You look really nice, Spencer. I love the top."

I give her shoulder a squeeze and smile at her. I need her relaxed, not nervous and quiet tonight.

"Thanks, my mom made me buy it the other day and I thought why not? She was paying for it after all."

By the time we reach the car Spencer seems to have calmed down a bit, even manages to smile nicely at Ashley without vomiting from nerves. I have to hide my second smile in as many minutes as Spencer gives Ashley the once over and swallows hard. Ashley _is_ looking hot tonight, but then I'm not as prone to notice this as some people seem to be.

"Hi, Spencer. You look nice."

Spencer smiles so brightly for a second I have to blink.

"Hi, and thanks. You look pretty nice too."

Her voice is surprisingly steady, but then I remember she's had two years to learn to control her emotions. For a second or two, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I mean getting Ashley to know Spencer is one thing, but getting her to return her feelings is a completely different animal. I could get Spencer hurt here, like _really_ hurt. I let this thought linger for a moment before shoving it away. Call me vain, but I'm pretty positive I can pull this off. I'm me after all.

"So is your brother and Chelsey coming tonight, I know Aiden invited them."

I watch as Ashley's eyes find Spencer's in the rear view mirror.

"Umm, yeah, Chelsey said they were going to come later tonight after their movie ended."

Ashley nodded her head.

"That's cool. You get along well with Chelsey?"

I'm inordinately happy with the slightly awkward small talk they're making. Usually Ashley just ignored Spencer, but she was making an effort tonight. I smile stupidly all the way to Aiden's house, I just couldn't help myself.

Spencer is quiet when we enter the house filled with teenagers in various stages of alcohol poisoning. It's mostly the Juniors that are _that_ tanked that early, Seniors after all know how to pace themselves. At least I do. See, not completely stupid.

"So you guys want to get a drink?"

Ashley's almost shouting this over the loud music, some rapper claiming he was gonna tap that 'phat' ass. Whatever, rap didn't do it for me.

"Yeah, lead the way."

I grab Spencer by the hand and follow Ashley through the throng of bodies in Aiden's lounge to get to the kitchen. It's fully stocked with whatever your heart could desire. Ashley heads for the Southern Comfort, as do I. Spencer seems indecisive, so I point her towards the vodka I know she'll choose in the end anyway. Spencer is not on virgin territory when it comes to alcohol, but she will very seldom over indulge like the rest of us. She has a three drink limit that she sticks to religiously.

I can see Ashley is surprised when she spots Spencer pouring her Vodka and lemonade, but she shrugs it off and hands me my drink. At this point I forget about Ashley and Spencer for a moment as Aiden makes his way into the kitchen. Ah, yes, Spencer is not the only one who is admiring from afar.

Ever since Clay and I broke up a few months back, I have been harboring a small crush on Aiden. Well, maybe small is not the right word, maybe gigantic would cover it. Of course, I realized from the get go this was a big no-no. You don't date your sister's ex,_ especially_ when he got her pregnant. So I keep it light, we hang out, we even flirt sometimes, but we never cross the line. It's an unspoken agreement.

So guess my surprise when he throws his arm around my shoulders and plants one on me. Right on the lips, a loud smacking sound filling the kitchen as his lips meet mine. He pulls back and I watch with growing agitation as Ashley stares at me, while Spencer stares at her and Aiden smiles drunkenly at all of us.

Okay, so please let me know what you thought, whether it was good, or 'Oh my God, I have to wash my eyes out with soap' bad.


	4. Ashley again and not for the last time

Well, I needed a brake from the wedding, so here I am! I think I'm losing the plot a bit with that story, reviews have been rather lacking for the last chapter, I'm guessing it sucked, so I thought, eh, why not give senior year another chapter? Give the wedding some time to gestate in my mind, find itself and all that stuff. So yeah, I'm updating, _obviously_! Thank you all for the reviews on this story so far, I really appreciate it! (I almost forgot to say that, bad writer, bad!)

So I own Son now, made it official this past week, signed all the paperwork and everything! I met Mandy and Gabrielle and told them their kissing scenes will be extended to the point where it might end up being a full episode. (Tom Lynch starts beating me with a lawsuit over my head!) Okay, fine! I don't own it, happy now?!

_Dun, dun, dun_...and here we go!

Senior Year

Chapter 4

Ashley

I watch with some amusement as Kyla's left eye starts to twitch. She's subtly trying to shake the arm I know to be rather heavy off her shoulder, without much success. Aiden's so obviously smashed it's funny, he's all pearly whites and crinkled eyes as he smiles at us. I knew they flirted on a regular basis, but Aiden flirts with everyone, so I'm not going to get mad. It's not like they really like each other or anything, I would totally be able to tell if they did. He's my best friend, my ex and she's my stepsister, I have no doubt that this is just them being them. So I'll let the little kiss slide, be the better sister for a change.

I hear an awkward cough from...oh, crap!... I forgot her name again. Jesus, sometimes I think I'm in the early stages of Alzheimer's or something. Um...it's a guy name, I know that much...Spencer. Thank god, I'm not going senile!

Spencer is doing that thing where she shifts from one foot to the other as she stares at me with concern. I'm taking a wild guess here and saying the two girls expect me to explode into a jealous rage or something.

"So Spencer, you wanna finish that drink and dance, or what? I hear you can get jiggy with it when you want to."

Five seconds later and I realize I just sounded like a complete moron. Who says _jiggy with it _anymore? Who ever did for that matter! Though judging by the huge ass smile on Spencer's face, it was maybe a cool thing to say back in Ohio.

"Um, yeah. Let me just..."

And with that she pours her vodka straight down her throat. Meanwhile, Kyla is watching me with this weird look on her face.

"What?"

She gives her head a small shake as she finally gets Aiden to stand on his own two feet unsupported. He's not all that steady unsupported, I notice.

"Nothing, just don't have her end up doing a topless tango on the furniture or something. I'll get your moron of an ex-boyfriend some coffee or water."

"Hey, I'm sho not druuunk!"

"Why the hell would I do a topless tango?!"

Both Spencer and Aiden where obviously offended, but in true Kyla fashion, she simply ignores them as she shoves Aiden to the sink.

I turn back to the blond who I don't know too well, or at all really.

"So, yeah...dancing now?"

She gives me a shy smile and I can't help but notice that she really is attractive. Her eyes are somewhere between blue and green tonight, her skin unblemished and her hair silky and smooth. I bet she doesn't put in half the time to look this good as say someone like Madison does. She has that natural beauty that you don't see often. Maybe it was all that fresh air growing up in Ohio. I don't know, but I do realize it's stupid to stand here and stare at her. So I walk away to the lounge where bodies are already sweaty from grinding and swaying so close to each other, not bothering to check if she's following. It really doesn't matter in the end if she does or doesn't follow me, I'm not looking for a new best friend. We're not going to end up having sleepovers and gossiping about boys or spilling our deepest, darkest secrets to each other. I don't do close relationships, remember?

Of course she did follow and I guess I knew she would. I'm surprised as she picks up the rhythm of the song pretty easily and, I might add, that for a shy farm girl from Ohio, she can _move_.

"You're a good dancer."

She jumps a little when I say this in her ear and I smile, why, I'm not sure, but I do.

"Thanks, I watched Dirty Dancing when I was thirteen like thirty seven times, guess I picked something up there."

Dirty Dancing, of course! I know it inspired me to learn a hip swaying move or two. I smile again and realize this is the most I've genuinely done so in a while.

"Well than, _Baby_, let's get to the dirty dancing."

I let my body sway closer to hers, my hands settling comfortably on her hips and I'm surprised when she swallows hard and stops her movements completely. She looks uncomfortable and I realize she's not used to dancing this close to someone, this intimitaly.

"It's okay, all the kids are doing it these days."

I think I'm going to like teasing her as I watch her blush. She glances at all the other people around us, other girls dancing even closer together than we are and a guy and a girl grinding so hard it looks like they are, in fact, having sex. She smiles sheepishly and tentatively rests a forearm on my shoulder.

For the next hour and a half we danced, not missing one single song. We swayed and jumped and flung our arms high into the air as the songs changed. I wondered if I was as flushed as Spencer was, I knew I was at least as breathless. It was getting damn hot on the makeshift dance floor as more people joined and we were all bundled close together, trapping the heat between us.

"Let's get another drink, I'm dying of thirst here!"

I could feel the heat rolling off of Spencer in waves as I leaned into her ear. She seemed to flush more as she nodded her head and pulled away. By the time we reach the kitchen I wonder for the first time where Aiden and Kyla got off to. Kyla is usually on the dance floor for longer than I am.

"I wonder where Kyla and Aiden are?"

Spencer gets this uncomfortable look, like she wants to ask something or say something but she doesn't know if she should. Before I can ask her what it is though, I spot Glen, Chelsea and my boy-toy of the last few months, Chris.

Chris is on me in seconds, his hands gripping my hips and easily lifting me onto the kitchen counter. His tongue thrusting into my mouth without so much as a hello. I don't mind his haste, I'm used to it, hell, I encourage it. I don't have much use for him, or others like him, for anything but physical gratification. Besides, I realize know I'm feeling pretty hot and bothered anyway for some reason, so I meet his tongue with equal fervor. For a minute or two we stay like that, pressed together and simply ignoring everyone around us, but I guess my attention span is lacking tonight, because I can't help but hear the conversation going on next to us. Well, maybe conversation is the wrong word.

"No, Spencer, I just don't like you hanging around like the huge dork you are. Besides, don't you get withdrawal symptoms or something when you're away from your books for too long?"

"Same can be said for you and your basketball, Glen. Can you even have a conversation that doesn't include the words slam dunk and hoop in it? Does your vocabulary even extend to other, bigger words?"

I laugh into Chris's mouth at that, because it's true. Glen can only talk basketball, I don't know how Chelsey spends as much time with him as she does. Chris pulls back and glares at me, not liking my lack of interest in what we were doing. I ignore him as I catch Spencer's eye for a second and what I see confuses me. She's looking pretty pissed off, but kinda sad too. The confusing part is she only started looking sad when her eyes met mine. Like _I_ made her sad or something. A second later and Chris is doing that thing with his tongue in my ear and I remember my rather aroused state. Blue green eyes flash and then turn away as I let Chris kiss my neck.

"Come on, let's go for a walk."

His voice is all gruff and low and I know what he's asking for and I know I'm going to give it to him. We use each other, I always make that clear when I start up one of these pseudo relationships with someone. I'm not in it for declarations of love and devotion. Not that I actually indulged in these relationships as often as most everyone at school assumed I did. Virgin I'm not, but I wouldn't say slut either.

I turn to Spencer and hand her my car keys.

"Hey, Baby, could you give these to Kyla. She can take my car home, I'll find my own way back later."

Only when Glen gives me a weird look do I realize I called Spencer baby again. I guess it's her new nickname from me, she really does remind me of the innocent Baby Houseman from Dirty Dancing. All bright eyed and shy smiles. Not that she's smiling now, just giving me this quiet look as she takes the keys.

"Yeah, no problem, I'll tell her."

And with that she walks away.

Three hours later Chris drops me off at home. I'm pretty tired, we drank quite a bit and ended up back at his house. His parents had gone out for the evening and it was all ours. The sex was okay, it always is with Chris, but it was still lacking in something. I can never put my finger on it, the thing that's missing. Maybe it's the fact that it's so mindless, so without meaning, but for me it can't be any other way. It's best if I _don't_ put my finger on that missing something, maybe finding it with someone could just end up hurting me even more. So I forget it, I just bathe in the temporary glow it provided me with. I need the release, the few moments of oblivion from my life. From my memories, the things that haunt me.

I'm surprised to see my car in the driveway, for Kyla it's early to be home. I find her in my room, going through my cd's. Like she was waiting for me.

"Hey, you're home pretty early."

I fall backwards onto my bed and stare at the ceiling, feeling my eye lids droop. I force them open, reminding myself I have to catch a shower first, I can smell Chris all over me.

"Yeah, Spencer has a curfew."

I nod, that sounds about right. She looks like the kind that would have a curfew, her parents probably stayed up to make sure she kept it too. I wonder if I've ever had a curfew, I don't think so, I'm born and bred in LA after all. Parents in our circle are too cool to give their kids curfews, or maybe they just didn't care enough.

"Did she have a good time after I left?"

Kyla looks down at the cd in her hand and gives a little shrug.

"I guess so, she got a little hammered though. Did you have a good time with her before you left?"

I smile for what must be the hundredth time as I remember how we danced, how she pulled funny faces and sang loudly with the music.

"Yeah, I did. She's pretty nice, I get why you hang out with her."

Kyla nods her head with a small smile on her face.

"You know, I totally wouldn't mind if you wanted to hang out with her too, I'm not one of those people that are super jealous when it comes to their friends, I can share."

I think about this for a second, about spending time with her, about becoming attached.

"Whatever, I'm tired. Think I'm gonna hit the shower and sleep." I'm half way out the room when a thought strikes me. "Oh, where did you and Aiden disappear to the whole night?"

Kyla stiffens for a moment, her face sagging.

"He sat crying by the pool half the night, about stuff. You know?"

I know what 'stuff' she's talking about. Stuff with Aiden meant the baby. I'm not stupid or selfish enough to think losing the baby only ever hurt me.

"Yeah, I know."

I left the room and hit the shower, doing my own crying about 'stuff' for a good few minutes under its warm spray. Later, as I lay in bed staring at my ceiling once more before sleep took me, I saw a flash of sad blue green eyes in my mind. I wondered about that sadness. That was the last thing I remember before gratefully letting the darkness take me.

Alright if it sucked, I'm totally going to say one of my other personalities wrote it, but if you liked it, then yeah, it was all me. So let me know, so I can either pat myself on the back, or kick the other me in the butt. You decide.


	5. Oh look, it's Spencer again!

Thank you all very, very, very much for the reviews! I especially wanted to say thanks to those that told me what they liked about it and what not. A review or two mentioned not liking Ashley with a guy, all I can say is that I did warn that this would be AU. Also, I hate imagining her with any other girl that isn't Spencer. I'm super weird like that. Though I guess it's needles to say that I write Spashley, so the guy will disappear. Eventually. Hie Hie, I'm evil.

Okay, I'll give you two guesses what I don't own. Let me give you a clue, it starts with the word South and ends with Nowhere. Still couldn't guess? Um...then you're kind of stupid!

So here we go for what, the fifth time?

Senior Year

Chapter 5

Spencer

I'm sitting here on top of the lunch table, really trying to concentrate on my textbook, but all I see are her eyes. All I smell is her sweet breath. All I feel is her hands on my hips. God, ever since last Friday, my mind has been permanently trapped in 'poorly written, steamy romance novel' mode. I fall asleep and I'm back on that dance floor, dancing, touching, just breathing her in. Moving with her, talking into her ear and smiling with her. I wake up and it's almost worse, because I see her at school and now she notices me too. Even said hallo and had a short chat in Maths.

Of course, not all my dreams are of the romantic, naughty touching variety. No, my sub-conscious has also given me a front row seat to the Ashley and Chris make-out show. Seeing it happen right next to me had hurt beyond belief, but dreaming of what happened when they went for their little walk? That's a special kind of torture. I'm not inclined to depression, but those mornings I wake up after having that particular nightmare, I really can't help feeling down. I don't think any one could really blame me.

"Do you want to go shopping with me today? I need a new perfume."

Ah, Kyla. Now she has been weird all week, giving me these looks like she's really deep in thought, contemplating something. This alone is strange, because Kyla doesn't do deep and pensive, but me being the cause of the almost brooding state is even stranger. It's like she sees something, something I don't think I'm comfortable with her seeing. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, who knows?

"What's wrong with the old perfume?"

Kyla's tilting her head up at me, giving me a strange smile.

"It's not seductive enough for me. And lately, I've been all about the seduction."

Well that's news to me. Apart from her Matt and Ben campaign, I wasn't aware of someone else on her radar. Aiden didn't count because she told me nothing would ever come of that and I understood perfectly. You don't do your sister's leftovers, at least not unless it's real love. Anything else wouldn't be worth the trouble she said to me.

"Really, care to share who the lucky guy is?"

She's giving me the look again, the strange smile playing around her lips and the knowing glint in her eyes. It's starting to bug me.

"Well, I'm not so much seducing someone as _helping_ someone seduce someone."

Huh?

"Well, okay, but why do _you_ need a more seductive perfume then. I mean, if you're not doing the actual seducing?"

I always knew her reasoning was a little off, but I guess it's one of the things I love about her.

"It just helps to put me in the right frame of mind. Life is in the details, you know? It's the little things that give you the edge and with these two I'm gonna need all the help I can get."

I guess I can see it from her point of view, albeit it being so skewed.

"Yeah, I can see how that works. So, who's the lucky couple?"

I'm not one to gossip, but even I love a juicy hookup. Just because my love life is the equivalent of the Sahara Desert doesn't mean I don't want other people finding love. As long as those other people don't turn out to be Ashley and Chris. Or Ashley and anyone else really.

"Well, as much as I want to tell you, I don't want to betray someones trust here. If every thing works out then I'll maybe be able to tell you. Things are just too delicate right now."

I can't help but sigh, I was hoping for something to distract me from my pining. Unrequited love takes a lot out of a person, a distraction would have been _so_ welcome.

"Well, if there's anything I can help you with, just say so."

Kyla's just smiling at me now, that smile that says I've gone and said something stupid.

"I _did_ ask you to help me with something, remember? Perfume shopping?"

Oh, right. Sometimes I wonder about that high IQ my mother told me I had. I never did see the results with my own two eyes. I roll my eyes as I realize I'm blushing.

"Sorry, obviously I'll go. You wanna go directly after school?"

She's nodding her head, but her eyes are following something behind me. I turn around and melt when I spot her. She's walking with Madison, gesturing with those slender, strong hands of hers. She has a half smile on her face, the same one she sported the first time I saw her. It wasn't love at first sight or anything for me. I mean I noticed how attractive she was that first day, but it was beginning of Junior year that I realized I was in love with her. She was sad after summer. Not just sad really, but broken I guess. It moved me, seeing her like that. It made me want to hold her and kiss her and tell her that I'd make everything okay again. Because I love her. That had been my exact thought and it had surprised the hell out of me. Up until then I had not ever even admitted to myself that I was attracted to her, to another girl. I told myself it was admiration, that it was normal to notice how beautiful she was. Girls could notice that kind of thing about other girls. But in the end my reaction to her sudden change enlightened me.

That first year she was different. Vibrant you could say. She smiled so much more and even though I hate to admit it, she seemed happy with Aiden. They dated that whole year and I could only guess that their brake up had something to do with her saddened state in our Junior year. I remember she used to sing softly under her breath. I miss that so much. I'd be sitting in class, reading a chapter or making notes and I'd hear it. Softly, probably without her knowing it, she would hum or sing. It soothed me so. I can't adequately explain what her voice did to me, maybe that was the first thing I loved about her, who knows? All I know is that when I noticed it's absence it bothered me. It's sad really, I was so affected by her change when she had never really directed that smile or voice at me. That was when the ever constant ache had started. That day when the singing had stopped. When my suffering had begun.

I shake my head at these thoughts. I'm not really one for mellow dramatics, but sometimes my mind has a way of rambling around in my head slathered in exactly that. I sigh as I turn back to Kyla, not even sure if she answered my question or not.

"Do you ever just get sick and tired of your own thoughts?"

I ask this out of the blue, because honestly, I want to know if I'm the only one that just gets tired of things running endlessly around in my mind. The same sad thoughts over and over, never getting to a point where it stops and lets me have some peace.

"I mean, don't you just wish sometimes you could switch it all off and just have silence? No little voice telling you of all the things you want, all the things you can't have. That little voice that says you'll never be good enough, smart enough for your mother. That it will simply never be good enough. Or that you'll never be with someone that loves you as much as you love them. That you'll never have..."

I almost said her. Ashley. It was on the tip of my tongue. Begging to be let out into the open. Be acknowledged in the presence of another. I flirt with the idea of just saying it. Laying it bare in front of Kyla, but I can't, because I'm Spencer Carlin. According to my mother and everyone else in my life that means I'm going to become a doctor or a lawyer or a psychologist or God knows what else. Marry some man that's nice and decent and have a kid or two, because that's what perfect people are supposed to do. That's what the perfect version of Spencer Carlin would do. But I'm not perfect and I don't want that. I want to hold Ashley Davies' hand in mine and tell her I love her. I want to travel for a year before going to university, I want to live just a little while without pressure being subtly applied by my parents, by society. Is that really that much to ask? Is it really wrong of me to want something for myself, someone for myself?

I look down into Kyla's eyes and it all very nearly spills out of me. I see so much sympathy there, so much understanding. Like she knows exactly what I feel, exactly what troubles me. This is probably the first time in our friendship that I have let things out. Let her hear my well hidden insecurities. I don't generally do this, I'm not opposed to talking about things that bother me, but this has always been a little too close to my heart. These are things I kept hidden, because they simply hurt to much.

"Spencer, I wonder sometimes how you manage to carry all that on your shoulders. I know you don't think I notice, but I do. I spend more time at your house than I do at my own, remember? I hear your parents, I know about all their plans for you. I see your face when your mother tells you to do better, work harder. God, half the time you bring home straight A's and her opinion stays the same. I can't imagine how that makes you feel, but I want you to know that I think you're great. No matter what your grades are, no matter how good or bad you are, you're my friend and I love you very much. You deserve so much more than you think you do. I promise you I'll make sure you get some of those things you want, okay? I promise you."

I can feel my eyes burning. I want to cry right now, I want to lean my head on my best friends shoulder and just cry. Instead I just hug her.

"Sorry I'm being such a cry baby, I don't know what came over me. I just...I don't know, I guess it just gets a bit much sometimes."

Kyla squeezes me harder and I can hear the smile in her voice. I'm pretty lucky to have her as a friend.

"It's okay, Spence. You're just being a normal human being like the rest of us. I don't expect you to be anything else, you remember that, okay? If you ever need to talk about it, or just rant, that's what a best friend is for, God knows you've had to listen to me enough. It's about time I give you a chance."

I pull away and smile at her, already I feel marginally better. Just hearing someone, anyone at this point, telling me it's okay to screw up, to have thoughts and feelings all my own is simply put, great.

"Yeah, you have a point, you do whine and complain a lot, don't you? Anyway, I think I missed the part where you tell me if we're going directly after school or later."

A hand on my shoulder quickly draws my attention, I know that hand. Last Friday that hand was glued to my hip.

"You guys talking about the shopping trip?"

I melt all over again when I hear her voice. I wonder how I did not notice her approaching us, usually when she was near my Spidey Senses would start tingling like crazy.

"Yeah, I was just asking Spence along. You're still keen to go straight after school?"

I marvel at the fact that Ashley's hand is still on my shoulder, touching my bare skin. I'm pretty sure my brain has just turned to mush.

"Yeah, you and Baby can catch me out front, I'll wait for you guys by the car."

I can't help but groan out loud.

"Baby?, you're going to keep calling me Baby?"

She wrinkles her nose at me and I almost die on the spot. How can someone so sexy be so cute as well.

"What, you don't like Baby?"

I shake my head no, because honestly, I hate her thinking of me like that. As some naïve little girl.

"No, I don't."

She seems disappointed for a second, but then smiles and gives her shoulder a casual shrug.

"Fine, have it your way, _Kid_. So meet me up front later, okay?"

She walks off without another word and I can only shake my head. Kid, I don't know if that's better or worse than Baby.

So this turned out _way_ more angsty than I had originally intended it too. Sorry if you don't like that kind of thing, but I'm starting to think its the kind of writing I just naturally seem to do. Go figure, 'cos if you knew me, you'd know I'm pretty angst free. Anyway, did you like it? Was I a good little fanfic writer, or a bad one? Should I be taking the little bus to school, with all the other 'special' kids? Let me know!


	6. Aiden

Sorry for only updating now, but I will make an effort to do it more often. I'm on leave at the moment, so I'm going to try to write a little each day. I'll see how that goes.

So thanks to those that took the time to review, I really do appreciate the feedback from you guys. I do this for you after all, so I'm happy when you leave a review. I wanted to make a special mention to wowwheeitsnicki, your review had me giggling like crazy! Thanks for that and once again to all the others that reviewed.

Right, onto the next matter. I don't own South of Nowhere. There, I said it without implying I want to steal, buy or get it as a present. My therapy _is_ paying off! See, Dr Phil might not have a real degree, but he's still good.

Onto the story!

Senior Year

Chapter 6

Aiden's point of view (Sorry, it had to be done eventually!)

A lot of the time I don't understand what's going on around me. I think it has something to do with the fact that I mostly hang out with chicks. They're complicated after all. Not that that's a bad thing, I like the mystery around them, the drama that comes with some of them. Take Ashley as an example. Yes, she hurt me more than she even realizes, but I'm still friends with her. Now you could ask why at this point and I'd simply tell you it's because she's interesting. There's facets to this girl that I'll never understand and it keeps me coming back for more. It also helps that she's hot. Like, super hot. What, I'm a guy! We're easy when it comes to forgiving hot chicks.

It's not like I can blame her for ending things between us when she did. It sucked what happened to us, loosing the baby. If I'm honest, it scared the crap out of me, the whole being a parent at sixteen, but I got over that fast when I saw how excited Ashley was. She glowed that whole three months, walking around like she just won a million bucks. She's never been the same since it happened and I guess I wasn't surprised when she told me it was over between us. I'm man enough to admit that she never really loved me like that anyway. Sure, she was happy when we dated, but I think there should be something more when you really love someone. Something like I feel when I'm with Kyla.

I don't know how it happened, but I'm pretty sure I'm in love with my ex-girlfriend's step sister. When I say it like that it sounds like something that would only happen on 'All my children' or something. Not that I watch a show like that! I mean, what kind of a hot shot ball player watches day time soaps? Okay, so my mom made me watch a couple of episodes with her, no big deal. Doesn't mean I like it, okay?

"Aiden, hey!"

I turn to see Ashley walking towards me. She looks hot today with the skirt thingy she's wearing, but then she looks hot in _everything_.

"Hey, Ash, you heading home?"

She's shaking her head and pointing to her car. I almost sigh when I catch sight of Kyla leaning against Ashley's car with her face turned up towards the sun. She's so beautiful with her soft eyes and wide smile. The same could be said for Spencer next to her.

"No, I'm going shopping with them."

I'm about to ask if I can tag along, 'cos I need new sneakers, when I notice something...weird. Ashley's looking at Spencer, but not in any way I've seen her look at other girls. It's almost like she's...no, this is just my perverted mind playing tricks on me.

"Hey, can I come with, I need some new shoes."

Ashley's giving me a half smile, but never takes her eyes off Spencer. It's like she doesn't even realize she's doing it. Maybe she's just lost in thought or something.

"You know, you love shopping more than most girls I know. It's not natural for a guy to have a shoe cupboard as big and full as yours."

I can't help but pull in an offended breath. Come on! You can never have enough shoes.

"Please, I need all those shoes, okay. There's my basketball trainers, my shoes that go with my good pants, the shoes that go with my casual pants, the shoes that go with my..."

I'm rather rudely cut off by Ashley laughing in my face.

"What?"

I don't want her laughing at me like that, like I'm being stupid or something. I mean Kyla and Spencer can hear us now.

"You're something else, you know that?"

I ignore her and smile at the two girls in front of me. Kyla's giving me that bright smile of hers while Spencer seems interested in watching her big toe in her sandal. I forgot she gets a bit shy, it's pretty cute actually.

"Hi there girls, I hear we're going shopping. Is it okay if I come along? Because we can't have you running around without protection out there. A bunch of super hot girls like yourselves could cause a riot or something, you know."

I know that was a bit cheesy, but girls like that kind of thing, don't they? Kyla seems like she's thinking it over and then smiles brightly again.

"Sure, that's totally fine with me. The more the merrier I say."

We end up leaving in my car with Ashley up front with me while Kyla and Spencer sit in the back. Kyla's going on and on about Prom and this makes me kinda nervous. I want to ask her to go with me, but I don't know how Ashley would react if I did. She's never said in so many words that I'm not allowed to date her sister, but I think it would be a big no-no in her book. I listen as Spencer laughs out load at Kyla's suggestion that they simply kidnap Ben and Matt, whoever the hell they are. There isn't a Ben or Matt on the basketball team as far as I know, so I'll have to check around. Maybe they're in one of Kyla's classes? It's gonna be hard to chase some guy off if I can't find him, maybe I should get Glen to help me, he knows everyone.

I watch as Ashley smiles as she too listens to the girls in the back. I miss my old best friend sometimes, the one that didn't look sad most of the time. Seeing her now, with that smile, reminds me of _that_ Ashley.

"So are you taking Chris to Prom?"

The smile she was sporting disappears as soon as Chris's name leaves my mouth. Guess that was a mistake on my part.

"Hell no! I seriously doubt I'm even going to Prom. It's stupid."

I see Kyla's eyes bug out of her head in the rear view mirror. Seconds later she cutely starts her indignant rant.

"Prom is so not stupid! Ash, it's the culmination of your high school career. It's the final, big party before everyone parts ways and goes of to college or...where ever the hell it is the rest go. It's a magical, romantic night that you spend with the people that's stood by you for the last few years. Its'...it's..it's Prom, damn it and you're going!"

Spencer lays a hand gently on Kyla's knee and tries to hide her amused smile. Spencer is really cute and if I wasn't so in love with Kyla, I'd definitely go there.

"Ky, she didn't mean it like that okay? So calm down before you give yourself a stroke and die and then completely miss Prom, okay?"

Kyla gives Ashley another glare before nodding.

"Okay, but she has to agree to go to Prom or I'm not talking to her again."

Ashley chuckles next to me as she watches the whole exchange between them.

"Ooh, peace and quiet at last."

I try to hold back the smile at Ashley's sarcastic remark but I fail miserably. Lucky for us Spencer clamps a hand over Kyla's mouth just as she was about to lay into Ashley.

I'm surprised when Spencer tilts her head at Ashley and smiles so sweetly I have this weird impulse to say Aww!

"Now Ashley, I'm sure you didn't mean what you said, you were obviously just poking fun at Kyla, right? Because as her step sister you know how important the whole Prom thing is to her and even if you don't share her excitement about the event, you're still going to go. That's what good sisters do and you're a good sister, right?"

I watch in amazement as Ashley fidgets in her seat, clearly uncomfortable. I recognize Spencer's tactic, it's one a lot of parents use on their kids. They basically scold you in this super sweet voice while staring you straight in they eye until you feel so guilty for doing 'you're not even sure what exactly' and end up agreeing with whatever they said.

"Umm.. yeah, I guess. I mean there will be good parties afterward, so I guess I could go. Plus I look hot in evening wear."

She does, I've seen her.

"Ain't that the truth."

I stare in shock at Spencer. She did just say that out loud, didn't she? The fact that she's turning red at warp speed confirms it. Spencer thinks Ashley looks hot in evening wear?

"Um...I mean...you know.." She swallows hard and looks everywhere that isn't Ashley. "Everyone looks good in evening wear, right?"

As much as I want to see where_ that_ was going, I swoop in and save the poor girl before her face explodes from all the blood rushing to it.

"Of course, even your brother Glen polishes up nicely in a tux."

I knew what the reaction to that was going to be, but I still burst out laughing when all three girls looked at me like I just said I was going to be the next Pope. At least the spot light was off of poor Spencer.

"What, was it something I said?"

By the time we hit the mall everything was back to normal. Kyla dragged us all to the nearest store and headed straight for the high priced perfumes. The stuff mostly gave me allergies, but I hung around anyway. It was fun hanging out with Spencer and Kyla. Usually Spencer didn't do stuff with the rest of us even though she and Kyla were obviously best friends. Spencer just never did a lot of the other social stuff, like going to Grey's or the parties after the game on a Friday. It was a shame, because she really is nice and the both of them are pretty funny.

"Hey, Aiden, smell this and tell me what you think."

Kyla dabs some perfume onto a little stick and drags it across the skin of her neck. I stare at the spot for a moment and then lean in closer. Allergies be damned! I want to be that close to her even if it's gonna cost me.

I inhale deeply and can honestly say it smell great on her, whatever it is. I linger longer than I should and pull away with reluctance.

"Smells good. You should buy it."

She smiles and shakes her head.

"This was only the first one I wanted to try."

I watch as the girls flutter around, sniffing this, sniffing that. It's getting boring and I'm sneezing like I'm being paid to. Allergies suck, I decide as my eyes start to water.

"Hey, I think I'm going to head over to the food court quickly and get a coffee. Any one want anything?"

Spencer turns to me and nods.

"I'll come with. I feel like a Caramel Latte."

Before she can take a step my way Kyla pushes past her.

"Actually, Spence, why don't you keep Ashley company while I go with Aiden. I need the bathroom anyway and we can bring a Latte back for you, okay?"

Spencer glances at Ashley and starts shuffling her weight from one foot to the other. She looks kinda nervous.

"Sure, I can do that."

I watch Kyla and I have a suspicion she's up to something, I'm not sure what, but I know her well enough. She's got this smug expression like she's extremely pleased with herself.

"What's up with you?"

She looks at me and her eyes are all innocent and big. Like she's never done a single thing wrong her whole entire life.

"What do you mean? Nothings up with me."

I give her a look that tells her to cut the crap and she rolls her eyes. God, even that is sexy when she does it.

"Look, it's nothing you need to worry about, so just let it go."

Now that gets me worried when she says things like that. I worry about her all the time and I'm not sure why half the time. She's not as dumb as people thinks, I know she can look after herself, but it would make me feel better if she let me in on some of the important stuff. I only want to make her life easier.

"I'm your friend, Kyla, I'm always gonna worry about you. So you might as well fess up and tell me what you're up to, because I'll make it my business to find out if you don't tell me."

Another eye roll follows my statement and I wonder if she'd slap me if I kissed her. Not even with tongue or anything, just kiss like her cheek or something.

"God, you're so annoying sometimes. Look, Spencer is having a little trouble of sorts, but she doesn't know I'm trying to help her so I'm keeping things as quiet as possible. So it really is nothing you have to worry about, okay."

I wonder for a second what Spencer could need help with and why Kyla would try to do it without her knowing it. I can't imagine Spencer getting into any kind of trouble, so I guess she's lying to me. Nothing pisses me off like Kyla lying to me.

"Yeah, keep talking Kyla, 'cause I'm so believing that sweet little Spencer Carlin is in any kind of trouble. I don't get why you're lying to me, I thought you trusted me!"

Kyla stops and puts her hand on my arm. Her hand is so small and soft it almost distracts me from my anger.

"Look, I didn't say she was _in_ trouble, I said she was _having_ some trouble. Besides, she hasn't even told me about her problem, it's all speculation on my side and I don't want to tell you and have it turn out I was wrong. Not that I'm wrong about this, but that's not the point."

I try a different tactic, because now she's got me curious. I've never really given Spencer Carlin much thought, but now my interest is definitively peaked.

"I could help you out with whatever the problem is. I mean I like Spencer, even though we're not exactly best friends or anything, and if she has a problem I'd really like to help her in any way I can. That's to say if it isn't just your imagination running rampant again."

Kyla looks offended and that was my intention. When she's angry she'll blurt out anything.

"Hey, this is so not my imagination, okay? I know what I know about Spencer. She might try to hide it for some stupid reason, but it's definitively not my imagination."

I roll my eyes just to antagonize her further and it works.

"Yeah, sure. She hasn't said anything about a problem to you and she doesn't act like anything is bothering her, but you know better."

I watch in amusement as her eyes grow to small slits and wait for the information I just know she's about to let slip.

"Yes, I totally know better. She hides it out of habit or fear or whatever, but I know for sure Spencer's gay. I mean I'm her best friend, of course I'd notice. So don't tell me what I know or don't know."

Gay? Spencer Carlin is Gay?!

Okay, that's it for now. I'll probably update again next week sometime, I don't know. So once again let me know if you liked this or I'll get supper cranky and sulk. Just kidding, sulking is to much work if you ask me and frowning the whole time gives me a headache, but feed back would be nice. So I don't really like Aiden, but I keep writing him as a semi nice guy for some reason. Maybe I should change that in this fic. Or maybe not, tell me what you think.


	7. And back to Spencer we go!

So, I was actually going to try and do a chapter for the wedding, but a blonde gone wild left a rather intimidating one worded review of 'update!' and so I am. I'm such a push over. (Slinks off and shakes head at self)

So thank you all for reviewing and not hating my Aiden. I think I'll keep him a semi nice guy for now at least. Just have to say again you guys ROCK for reviewing. Not a lot of people bother with it, so it's very much appreciated.

As to the ownership of SoN? Well, I kicked Dr Phil in the twig and berries and ran around screaming: It's mine! It's mine! for at least a good hour. They sent big, burly looking nurses after me with a straight jacket, but I'm pretty fast for a chubby chick! Still, eventually I came out of my delusional state and realized it did not...(gasp!)...belong to me!

So now you must prepare for lift off, please fasten your seatbelt and make sure your tray is in an upright position!

(I'm fully aware of the fact that I'm being an idiot today, I blame my vacation cheer for that, sorry!)

Senior Year

Chapter 7

Spencer's POV

I watch as Kyla and Aiden walk away and meld into the crowd. I stand there stupidly for a full minute just watching the space they used to inhabit. I know Ashley is standing just behind me, probably wondering what the hell is up with me staring off into space. I can actually feel her eyes on me, don't ask me how, but I do. I have Spidey Sense when it comes to Ashley after all. Or I should probably call it Ashley Sense, but I'm not gonna stand here and argue with myself over that one. I need to turn around, smile politely and go sniff some perfume or something.

I manage to turn around, but the smile I give her is more than just a polite lift of the lips. I can never look at her face, her achingly beautiful face, and give her anything but my biggest and most sincere smile. So that's what I end up doing. I think I smile even wider when she smiles back at me in almost the same fashion, her whole face lighting up. I can't aptly enough describe her face when she smiles like this. I mean you have to really take a moment and simply appreciate it. Those warm brown eyes, the crinkling nose and her mouth. God, her mouth. Her mouth was made to smile in my opinion. It's a shame she doesn't do it more often.

"So, I guess we should, I don't know, sniff around?"

I sound like such a big dork, because I am one. I'm not ever gonna be the chick that smoothly flirts or plays it cool. I'm the girl that's gonna blurt out whatever floats around in her head and then trip over someones leg or something. That's to say if I can get a word out in the first place.

I'm surprised when she gives me another smile, not as big as the one a minute ago, but still a nice little smile.

"Yeah, I guess we should sniff around. We're in the right place for it."

I nod and turn to the nearest counter. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she does the same and starts looking around the different perfumes on display. I wish I was brave enough to just start up a conversation with her. The night of the party it had been easier because of the fact that we danced more than talked and I had had Vodka in my system. Every one was braver when they had alcohol flowing through their veins. I shake my head and decide to have a whiff of whatever it is they have on display. I almost immediately fall in love with the soft, sweet scent that surrounds me. I don't recognize the name of the perfume, it's one of those expensive perfumes with a French name that I can't honestly pronounce either. I'm lucky there's a bottle placed down as a tester and I spray some onto the hollow of my throat.

I'm still standing there with my eyes closed just savoring the sweet smell surrounding me when I feel her presence behind me. Close behind me. Seconds later hands find my hips and I feel her lean into my back, her face pressing into the side of my neck, almost touching the skin. I listen as she inhales deeply and then sighs contentedly.

"God, Kid, that smells really good on you. Like _really_ good."

Not more than a second or two later she pulls back and I wonder if I will ever be able to breathe normally again.

"What's the name of that stuff?"

I wordlessly hand the bottle over my shoulder for her to look at. I can't turn around yet, I can't let her see the look on my face. I want to cry and I want to smile, but mostly I want to take her face between my palms and lay my lips against her own. I wonder for a second what she'd do if I actually did just that. Probably slap me or something. I'm not really going to test my theory so I squeeze my eyes shut for a second longer and then put back up the mask I have to wear around her. Turns out it's not just the popular kids that have masks.

"Doesn't matter what the name is, I'd have to save up a whole years worth of my allowance to afford it. Actually, probably a bit more than a year."

I hear disappointment in my own voice and it surprises me, because I'm not one for material possessions. I rarely believe that owning things will give me happiness, but in a way this bottle of perfume reminds me of Ashley. It's something slightly exotic that drew me in and that I can never have. Just like Ashley it will always be out of my reach, nothing available to me other than a small sample in the end leaving me wanting more.

"Would be worth it if you ask me. This is you in a bottle, Kid."

I finally glance at her and swallow when I see how she's holding the bottle up to her face, her eyes half lidded as she inhales deeply again.

"So that word there is French for brain?"

I point to the slender letters in soft lavender on the side of the small bottle. Ashley smirks at me and shakes her head.

"No, doofus, and you're not just a brain. You gotta stop listening to whoever put that idea in your head."

I blush a little when I realize I let insecurity number 44 slip out of the bag. I'm generally better at hiding them.

"Okay, so what is in that bottle if not a brain?"

I'm honestly curious about how she sees me if not as just the smart kid. I watch in some amazement as she blushes slightly and seems to genuinely ponder my question. As if lost in thought she finally let's her answer drift out of her mouth.

"Innocence...beauty...a sense of youth even and yes, intelligence, but I think there's more I simply can't see yet."

I don't know who's more shocked at her answer, me or her. I never expected her of all people to link the word beautiful to me in any way. I've never seen myself as beautiful, cute yes, but not beautiful. We both end up blushing and clearing our throats.

"Strange, I'm not usually that deep. Maybe I sniffed a little too much of that perfume."

She gives a strange laugh and then wanders away again. After another ten minutes of aimless wondering I start to wonder where Aiden and Kyla are. I check my watch and calculate that they've been gone a good twenty minutes and I'm pretty thirsty. I wanted my Latte badly. So badly that I find myself standing next to Ashley as she stood texting someone with her phone.

"Hey, do you think we could go down to the food court and find the others. I'm kinda in need of that Latte."

She looks up distractedly from her phone and then shuts it promptly.

"Yeah, let's do that. Knowing those two they got distracted halfway there by a clown making animal balloons or something."

I think about jumping in and defending Kyla, but what she said was true. Kyla has the attention span of a four year old sometimes.

"You're probably right."

We walk slowly out the store and I admire the way she walks. Not just the way her hips move enticingly, but the way she carries herself. She's so confidant with her head held high as she strides forward with an even pace. There's a lot more to admire about the girl than just her face and body.

We don't spot them anywhere in the food court so just decide to get what we want anyway and sit down.

Ashley orders for us as I stand looking at the doughnuts on display, which immediately reminds me I'm hungry so I lean over the counter and interrupt.

"Um...can you add two doughnuts as well? Make it one chocolate and one caramel. Do you want one, Ash?"

I don't realize I've called her Ash until she gives me a frowning look. No one but Aiden and Kyla calls her Ash, not even Madison who she's been friends with forever. I blush and look down on my hands.

"So do you want one, Ashley?"

I make sure to use her full name, because I know I just over stepped some invisible line with her. I'm hoping she can year the apology in my voice, because if she's mad at me, I might just shrivel up and die. Great, the melodrama has made its return to my mind. Shrivel up and die, indeed! God, I wish I wasn't such a moron sometimes.

"No, I'm fine with the espresso."

The guy at the counter nods and we find a table in his view for when he brings the coffee. Ashley is distractedly staring to her left and I feel like kicking myself. She was probably just hanging out with me because Kyla invited me along and here I go and get all familiar with her. More so than some of her oldest friends would dare too. As great as I think she is, I'm fully aware of the fact that she has an explosive temper and doesn't like people getting too chummy with her. She was the same that first year I came to LA, but Junior year it was worse. She can be a huge bitch and Junior year was a perfect example of that. She wasn't just sad when she came to school back then, but pretty angry too.

I watch as she taps a finger on the table and frowns, like she's thinking about something and it's bothering her. I don't say anything, because I already screwed up once this afternoon, I wasn't about to do it again. The guy from the coffee place comes and puts our drinks down with my doughnuts. I reach for my purse to pay my share, but Ashley distractedly waves my money away and throws a credit card at the guy.

"Don't worry about it, it's on me. You save up for that perfume rather."

She doesn't sound mad at me and I almost jump for joy. Maybe I didn't mess this tentative friendship, dare I call it that, up just yet.

"Thank you."

I grab for the sugar on the table and spoon some into my Caramel Latte. I look up as Ashley gives a soft laugh.

"Five spoons of sugar, Kid? How are you not fat?"

I look down onto my plate with doughnuts and my sugar filled Latte. I've always eaten what I wanted and I'm a sugar junkie, what can I say?

"I don't know, I'm just not. Besides, I run track and that helps."

You couldn't honestly call what I did running track so much as it was tripping over my own feet and then trying not to vomit violently afterwards from exhaustion. I wasn't exactly the fittest member on the team and I mostly stuck it out 'cos it looked good on my college applications. At least that's what my mother says.

"You're lucky, I mean I don't have to live on salad or anything, but I can't exactly go eating doughnuts everyday."

I couldn't help but trail my eyes over her upper body, the toned, tanned arms and the abdomen that was unfortunately covered today. I knew her stomach was rock hard and wonderfully toned from her love of tops that barely covered it. Todays rather prim shirt was not a normal occurrence and I must say I missed the skimpy ones.

"I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, you'd look good no matter how much you weighed."

Once again it was out of my mouth before I could really think about it. I just wanted to reassure her that she was beautiful no matter what. Luckily she didn't seem to mind my comment as she let a small chuckle escape.

"Well of course, if anyone could make big look good it would be me."

I laughed at the vanity on show before me as Ashley flicked her hair over her shoulder and smiled rather blindingly at me.

"God, how do two such huge ego's as yours and Kyla's manage to inhabit the same house? Don't you run out of space when you have to pass each other in the hallway or drive in the same car? Two heads that big can't be easily managed."

She just laughs and steals my chocolate doughnut off my plate. I shake my head in mock disapproval and sip my Latte. I'm just finishing my own doughnut off when Aiden plops down next to me with Kyla in tow.

Kyla's frowning and twitching and watching Aiden like a hawk. She's the picture of pissed off and nervous and I wonder what happened between them while they were gone.

Aiden for his part is smiling at me, but like weird smiling. He's also watching me with something like wonder on his face and it really creeps me out. I'm not used to having people stare at me like that, like I'm a present under a Christmas tree just waiting to be unwrapped.

I'm luckily distracted by the small piece of chocolate smeared against Ashley's cheek and once again my brain takes a back seat to my instincts.

"You've got some chocolate..."

I reach over and wipe it away with my thumb and am surprised when Aiden makes a small grunting noise like an animal in pain or something. He's biting his bottom lip and watching us with a look that _really_ weirds me out now.

Before I can say anything Kyla's hand shoots out and collides with the side of his head rather loudly. I watch as he looks at her with a sheepish grin and she just shakes her head.

"You really are a moron, Aiden."

Ashley and I simply sit and watch as she rolls her eyes at him again and sighs. In the end Kyla declares she's not in the mood for perfume shopping anymore and ends up buying a bunch of CD's instead. I laugh the whole time as Ashley makes disgusted faces at her choice in music and I had to agree when she bought the new Britney Spears. That's just wrong on so many levels.

When Aiden drops us all back at school he looks at me in that weird way again.

"It was nice hanging out with you, Spencer. You and Kyla _have_ to join us for lunch tomorrow, okay?"

He's smiling like a madman and I have this irrational fear that he's going to start drooling any second as he looks at both me and Ashley. I sigh with relief as he drives off.

"So I'll see you at home, Ash. I'm just gonna drop this one off first."

Ashley smiles at me and for a second I think she's going to lean in and hug me goodbye, but she just ends up waving and then turning away. As we drive home I look down at my thumb and realize for the first time that it was a mere inch away from her lips today. Without thinking I bring it up towards my own mouth and gently place it against my bottom lip. That's probably the closest I'll ever get to kissing Ashley Davies.

So there's the next chapter. Let me know if you liked and if you didn't, I'll get the ones that did to beat you up! Ha! Yeah, no I'm only kidding, but if you didn't like it then tell me what you didn't like about it so I can improve. That's the only way I know if I'm doing good or not, so don't be shy!


	8. Another taste of Kyla

So here's an update. Once again don't throw me with bricks for taking so long to post again, because life gets in the way, you know?

Once again a very big **THANK YOU** for reviewing! It's what encourages me to eventually update again!

So yeah, we've established that I don't own SoN, can't steel it and probably won't get it for Christmas, so lets just move on, shall we?

Senior Year

Chapter 8

**Kyla's point of view.**

It has officially been the longest two weeks of my life! You think I'm being overly dramatic when I say that, aren't you? Well you're wrong. You try containing a seventeen year old, testosterone riddled guy that just found out the class bookworm has a huge, gay crush on the hottest girl in school. Let me tell you, it's not easy! As if the staring wasn't enough, he's keeping the grunting thing going as well. The minute Ashley and Spencer are within a few feet of each other his eyes glaze over and the drooling starts. It's disgusting! He's like a dog in heat humping the furniture!

I mean it's not like I'm jealous or anything. It's not like the fact that he's barely looked at me in days has upset me, because that would just be pathetic, right? And Kyla Woods is a lot of things, but pathetic is _not_ one of them!

"Hey, Kyla."

I turn to watch Spencer and Ashley as they sit down at the lunch table. Ashley and Aiden have been joining us at our usual table almost every second day now for lunch. I wonder how he's managed to not force Ashley to sit with us every single day, as watching Spencer and Ashley has become his new little hobby.

Spencer sighs wearily as she basically drops down next to me and lays her head on her arms where they rest on the table. I look to Ashley and raise my eyebrow in question. Spencer rarely gets this down and I can't help but wonder what brought this on.

I shift in my seat and put an arm around Spencer's shoulder, squeezing it softly as I lean in.

"What's up, Spencer?"

All I get for my efforts is a grunt. This really isn't normal Spencer-like behavior. I glance again towards Ashley only to find her frowning deeply as she stares at my hand resting on Spencer's skin. Hmm, well isn't that interesting? I make sure to rub comforting fingertips over said skin as I lean in even closer to Spencer.

"Come on, Spence, spill."

I almost laugh as Ashley shifts in her seat and finally looks away from my hand on Spencer. She's still frowning, but in this cutely confused way. Like somethings bothering her and she can't put her finger on it. Well, sweet step-sister, _I've_ got my finger on whatever is bothering you. Actually, I've got a whole hand on it!

"She got a B on this test in Bio and she's been grunting ever since."

My eyebrows shoot up at hearing that and now I'm really not comforting Spencer to get a reaction from Ashley. Spencer's made it clear that B's are not an option for her. Getting a B could be the difference between being Valedictorian or not. Between being praised by her mother or getting a verbal parental beat down.

Spencer finally turns her head and stares at me with worry filled, blue eyes.

"Carmen Garcia got an A."

She lets out a sigh and sits up straighter, running a hand through her hair and then biting down on her bottom lip.

"What's the big deal with this Carmen chick getting a better grade then you? And who the hell is Carmen Garcia anyway?"

Spencer gives Ashley a weary look after her question and I think she's going to just grunt again, but then she gives an eye roll and sits up even straighter.

"The big deal is we're head to head in the race to Valedictorian and that B could have just put her firmly in first place. Oh, and she's the girl that sits about two seats behind you to the right in Bio."

Ashley thinks for a moment and then frowns again. A few seconds later the light bulb apparently goes on, because her eyebrows shoot up towards her hairline and her lips pull in clear disgust.

"The chick with all that hair in her eyes and the 'don't mess with me, I come from the wrong side of the tracks and can knife you' attitude?"

Spencer gives a small smirk and nods her head.

"That's the one."

Ashley snorts and flips her hair back over her shoulder, the sun catching it just so that it lights up the few strands of auburn hiding between the lush brown locks, causing Spencer's eyes to go all cloudy and I _know_ she's just gone to her happy place or something. God, I don't understand how Ashley can't see how Spencer feels about her, she's either super oblivious or super stupid. I'm hoping it's not the latter.

"Well, she looks more like the type to end up on COPS then giving our Valedictorian speech."

Spencer smiles at this and I'm glad Ashley's the one causing it. They've been getting friendlier over the last week or so, walking together to and from classes they share and chatting more comfortably. I can see how happy that makes Spencer, she's been glowing like a pregnant woman for God's sake, simply radiating joy.

"Hmm...looks can be deceiving then, because she gives me a run for my money in almost all the classes we share. As much as I hate to admit it, she's pretty damn smart. Smug too, you should have seen her face when Mr Richards told me I got a B, looked like she just heard she inherited a small fortune or something."

I watch as Ashley absorbs this, but before she can say anything Aiden sits down next to her. Great, Spencer finally stops grunting and then Aiden shows up to just continue it.

"Hey, guys."

I should be seriously pissed off with him, because not only do I have to continually remind him to wipe the drool from his chin, but I had to buy his silence on the whole Spencer is gay issue. Yup, the stupid lug blackmailed me into going to Prom with him. The kicker is _I_ get to tell Ashley the great news when the time comes. Really, I didn't think he had it in him, but apparently I was wrong. After he dragged the whole story out of me, kicking and screaming on my part of course, he calmly said he wouldn't breathe a word if I went to Prom with him. Mentioned that he was sure Ben or Matt or whoever I wanted to go with would be unable to attend anyway, like he would make sure of it. I wonder if he knows threatening a celebrity could get him arrested.

At least Prom is still months away, I don't have to worry about breaking the news to Ashley yet. That's not a conversation I'm looking forward to, _not at all_.

"Hey Aiden, we still on for that party tomorrow night?"

Aiden's cousin Toby is throwing a huge beach party on Saturday night, because his parents made the mistake of going to New York for a friends wedding and leaving the brainless wonder known as Toby at home unsupervised. Seriously, the guy doesn't have more then four braincells floating around in his egg shaped head. Unsurprisingly he and Aiden get along like a house on fire, strange how that works, huh?

"Of course, Toby phoned me last night when his parents left to set everything up with me. He got the keys to the beach house and money for all the liquor, I just have to get someone to buy it for us. Then we're set, because we've already got a guy on the music and everyone knows it's an open house party, no need for special invitations."

Ashley nodded her head in approval, always loving parties on the large scale as Toby's was sure to be. She really loved to party and has done so in excess after the baby. I guess I can't blame her for wanting to drink and dance until she forgets, but it still makes me sad. This just strengthens my resolve to get her and Spencer together, because I know, I simply _know _that if I can get Ashley to really see Spencer, she'd never want to look away again. She'd be happy.

"Spencer, I still say you have to come too. You should just ask your mom if you can spend the night at my place and we can hit the party with no worries."

I'd been bugging Spencer about the party the whole week, but she's pretty stubborn when she wants to be.

"I doubt my mom would let me go anywhere after she hears about the B, Kyla. You know how it is with her. Besides, I just don't feel up to it after the Bio disaster."

Before I can say anything Ashley jumps in.

"Then don't tell her till after the weekend, because I think the party is _exactly_ what you need after that test. You need to relax and not get more worked up over this, other wise you're going to end up bombing more tests and stuff. Dancing the night away will do wonders to ease the pressure a bit, Kid. So come with us, please?"

I could kiss Ashley right this second, because she said exactly the right thing. I can see the wheels spinning in Spencer's head, weighing the pro's and con's of going to the party and just letting her hair down. I think the fact that Ashley asked her in such a sweetly pleading voice is going to do the trick as well.

"I guess that makes sense. I mean, I'm in my senior year, I should have_ some_ fun, right?"

I watch with some dread as Aiden gives Spencer his 'special' smile, the one I know means he's imagining very dirty things right now.

"You should have all the fun you can and I'm sure Ashley here will help you out with that."

Spencer just gives him her now familiar weary smile, his odd behavior around her long since making her act rather cautious around him.

"Uh...yeah, sure...I mean..uh... we could dance again. I liked that."

Spencer's three seconds away from blushing now and I almost laugh, because she's just so damn cute when she's flustered.

"Damn straight we're going to dance again. It's not everyday that someone can keep up with me on a dance floor, so expect a whole lot of you and me and bump 'n grinding."

I think it's unnecessary to tell you that Spencer is now officially the color of a ripe, red tomato and Aiden is in serious need of a bib. Really, the boy can out drool a baby any day. At least he's not grunting, maybe we finally moved past that.

"Uh...yeah, that sounds good. We'll just grind the night away. Sounds like...uh...fun."

And there's Aiden's groan. Granted, I don't think Spencer realizes that she made that sound just a little dirty, what with how her voice dipped all low when she said 'grind'.

"So it's settled, you ask your parents if you can stay over and we go party like there's no tomorrow, no worrying about tests or little miss Carmen 'Criminal in the making' Garcia, okay Kid?"

Ah Ashley, oblivious as always. I really hope I can change that soon. Like, Saturday night at the party soon.

"Why are you worried about Carmen Garcia, Spence, I mean, is it about the rumors and stuff?"

Aiden looked confused, like he really couldn't understand why Spencer would have a problem with Carmen. Scratch that, why is Carmen Garcia even on Aiden's radar and why is there a rumor that I don't know about? I'm supposed to know everything!

"I'm not sure what the rumors are, but my problem with her is that she's a bit of a bitch to me most of the time. She likes annoying me in class and stuff, rubbing it in my face when she does better then me in a test, that kind of thing."

Now Aiden is smiling like a complete loon, I swear he's going to swallow his own head if he's not careful.

"Oh God, that's so great! It's like middle school all over again."

Now I'm just plain confused. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

"Huh?"

I second Spencer's statement!

"In middle school you tease someone to get their attention. You know, _make_ them notice you and stuff."

Oh crap, I see where this is going.

"Okay?"

Spencer apparently not so much.

"She likes you." Ashley's voice is strangely quiet as she talks, her eyes trained on Spencer rather intensely. "He's saying the rumors are she's gay and implying that she likes you."

I really didn't think Ashley was that smart, I mean she caught that pretty fast, you know?

"Exactly!"

Aiden's practically beaming, sitting there looking as excited as a little puppy waiting for a ball to be thrown so he can go fetch. Really, he didn't need to sound_ that happy_ when he said it!

"Oh."

Spencer seems rather unmoved by the information. Maybe not believing that there's any truth behind the rumor and I think Aiden notices it too.

"Really, Chelsey and Glen saw her making out with some girl at Liz Austin's party last year. Said they were all hot and heavy in one of the guest bathrooms. Chelsey wouldn't lie about something like that, you know?"

It was true, Chelsey wouldn't make up a story like that. Still, that doesn't mean Carmen likes Spencer. Aiden's just being stupid, I mean we're not in middle school anymore and the mating dance we do now is much different. I haven't stolen a cute boys' pencil and made him cry over it in years! We're all past that stage and Carmen Garcia is no exception.

"Fine, but that doesn't make the rest of your little story true. They dislike each other, are in direct competition with each other in almost every class, that's why Carmen's a bitch to her!"

Aiden just keeps grinning like an idiot, Ashley's scowling like you wouldn't believe and Spencer's just shaking her head. Maybe she's with me on the 'Aiden's being an idiot' thing.

"Fine, whatever you say, Ky. Not like it matters whose right or wrong here, 'cos Spencer's straight right, so it wouldn't matter if there was a girl interested in her."

I'm smart enough to know that that's my cue to shut the hell up, because I'm not going to out Spencer just to win an argument. Well, not again anyway.

"Guess you're right, this is pointless. So how do you like that mystery macaroni you got from the cafeteria? Anything jump out and try to eat you yet?"

As if by silent agreement we all move to safer ground and discuss Aiden's choice for lunch. Ashley for her part stays mostly quiet, staring off in space and I leave her be. She's moody and bitchy most of the time and I know better than to bother her when she's like this. Spencer seems completely unperturbed by Aiden's news of a girl that might be interested in her and I'm pretty much happy with that. I've got plans for her after all.

We part ways after lunch and Spencer and I decide to just meet up at my car after school. It's tradition that I take us to her house and we help her dad cook dinner on a Friday. I always stay and eat dinner there, even if I've got plans later, because that's the only time I know what it feels like to belong to a family. As close as Ashley and I am, we don't do dinners with the parents and family stuff like that. It's not like we all fight or hate each other, the parents are just pretty wrapped up in each other and their own lives. So it's nice to have Friday's at Spencer's place.

On my way to the parking lot I happen to spot Carmen Garcia in the hallway in front of me, but that's not a really spectacular sight. What was rather spectacular though, was when Ashley passed her and made sure she hit her hard enough in the back with her shoulder to send Carmen face first into the locker she was facing. While Carmen swore, scowled and rubbed her now red forehead, Ashley simply kept on strolling with a rather satisfied smile on her face.

I think it's safe to say things are going to get pretty interesting from here on out.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

Okay, there's my update for now. I wasn't sure what Carmen's surname was and I'm much to lazy to go find out, so I just gave her one. Anyway, let me know what you thought about the way I wrote Carmen into the story. I wasn't sure how to go about it and in the end that's what came out, so feedback will be good. So don't be shy and **REVIEW!! **


	9. A little look at Ashley again

To all of those that reviewed: _**I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!!!!**_

Thanks a bunch for the feedback, it does my heart good and it led to a slightly quicker update.

Now for the part where I shamelessly promote myself. I wrote a one shot for Gossip Girl, because I'm completely smitten with Blair, called 'The One Constant' and would love some feedback on that. Not a lot of people gave it a read in the Gossip Girl section and even less bothered to leave feedback, so I don't know if I should waste my time expanding on it. I had at least ideas for another chapter or two to follow on the one shot, but I'm not going to bother if it's crap. So let me know, because if it is crap I want to rather remove it from my profile and not waste my time with the Gossip Girl fandom.

Ah, onto the debate about the ownership of SoN. I say it's mine, Tom Lynch says it's his. Unfortunately for me the law agrees with him. Laws suck sometimes, you know?

Senior Year

Chapter 9

Ashley's POV

You know, life can be funny sometimes. A few weeks ago I told myself I wasn't going to have sleepovers with Spencer Carlin and bare my soul to her or something. We weren't going to become best friends and braid each other's hair and so on. Yet here I am, lying on my bed with my CD player turned down so I can hear when Spencer's dad drops her off. For the sleepover. See, that's life being funny with me.

Okay, it's not so much a sleepover as it is us going to a party and getting wasted. We're not going to braid hair and do a quiz from Cosmo or something. Okay, we might do each other's nails, but thats where it ends. No other girlie bonding will be done. I simply won't allow it, because I know from experience that the strongest of bonds can break and that hurts. So no bonding for me. No siree. Spencer and I will stay completely _unbonded_. Hey, is unbonded a word or did I just make that up?

Anyway, the point of my little rant is that I'm worried, because I kinda think I _want_ to bond with Spencer. I mean she's just really damn nice, you know? I can't help but not notice it! She's just still so innocent, so untouched by...well life, I guess. Maybe that's what attracts me to her so, that untainted air about her.

I've been touched and tainted by so many things and people that I doubt I could ever just feel clean again, but when Spencer walks next to me in the hallway and smiles shyly at me, I kinda forget all that. I breathe a little easier and feel altogether a little lighter. That's what scares me about her though. If she makes me forget, my guard could slip. If my guard slips, people get in. If people get in, I could end up hurting. Again. I just couldn't take more hurt, you know? I'm not strong enough and I hate to admit that, but it's true.

Still, I can't just ignore her. I can't not feel a certain obligation towards her, towards protecting that innocence she still has. She just makes me feel all these conflicting things. I guess I can do with her what I do with everyone else. Letting someone near is different then letting someone in after all. That's what I do with Kyla and Aiden, I keep them close without letting them in at all. It's worked well for me so far. So I guess that's what I'll do with Spencer, especially know that I know about the Carmen thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic or anything, I just worry what this could mean for the Kid. If someone else figures out that Carmen fucking Garcia has the hots for her, rumors could get around. Rumors that would lead to her being talked about and ridiculed and just generally make her senior year living hell. People like Madison would never let an opportunity to humiliate someone so obviously above them go by. I can't let that happen, I can't let the last pure thing in my world...uh...I mean in the world in general, disappear.

So Carmen Garcia is on my list and believe me, you don't want to be on Ashley Davie's list. She's going to regret it if she even so much as fucking _dares_ to look at Spencer again. I'm going to make sure of that.

Now another thing bothering me today is...Oooh, car door! Spencer's here, Yay! Uh...I mean...aw, fuck it, I'm sticking with Yay!

I get to the door before she even knocks and I must say, I'm impressed with my speed. All the stupid time I spend on the treadmill is really paying off. What? You thought dancing and lots of sex gave me this body? Hell no! I spend more time than I'm comfortable admitting to in the gym.

When I open the door she's just standing there, like she wasn't really planning on knocking or anything. She's weird sometimes, have I mentioned that yet? Well, I've noticed that she'll get this far away look every now and then, this sad or maybe it's more...what's the word I'm looking for? Wistful, that's it. She looks so wistful, standing there with her head tilted and her bottom lip between white teeth.

"Hey, come on in."

She seems to shake herself out of it and smiles that smile that makes me forget. Damn, I kinda wish she'd stop smiling at me like that, it just makes things complicated.

"Hey, sorry I'm a little bit early, but my parents are going out and had to drop me off now."

Oh, I didn't realize it's only four now. Kyla had said Spencer would be here by five thirty just before she left with my mom to do some last minute shopping. God, those two woman and shopping would lead to our bankruptcy one day.

"Yeah, no don't worry about it. Uh, Kyla's not really here though."

She seems nervous now, doing the whole shifting from one foot to the other thing again. It's cute on her, but anyone else and it'd drive me kinda nuts I think.

"Oh."

Funny that it feels awkward between us now, because at school we get along fine even when Kyla's not around. I mean we walk to class almost everyday and have lunch together and we talk easily enough then. Okay, most of the time it's about school stuff, maybe that's why it's weird now. 'Cos obviously were not in school now. Right, I'm being a complete idiot, so moving on now.

"Come in, we can crash in my room until she shows up. She said she'd be back by like five."

She doesn't say anything as she follows me up the stairs to my room. I've noticed that she doesn't really say a lot. No, that doesn't sound right. It's more like she doesn't always feel the need to talk just for the sake of talking, you know? It's not that she's this quiet little mouse or anything, she just doesn't babble incessantly like Kyla sometimes does. I like that about her.

I push open my door and to my horror realize it's a mess. My clothes are all over the place, Cd's and movies and just a heap of junk everywhere. Oh God, now she's gonna think I'm a slob, not that I care what people think of me. People and their opinion can go fuck themselves as far as I'm concerned, but man, I really don't want Spencer to think badly of me.

"Sorry about the mess, Kid, but I think the maids still pissed at me for setting the kitchen on fire that one time. She only cleans my room once a month now."

She's smiling all sweet again, looking around my messy room and eying my drum set.

"Don't worry about it, I'm used to messier rooms then this. I live with Glen, remember?"

Thank God!

"How did you set the kitchen on fire though?"

Ugh, I take that thank God back. The kitchen incident was not one of my finest moments and I don't like to be reminded of it.

"I kinda got really stoned with Chris a few months back and when I got home, I was seriously craving cookies. Not just any cookies either, I wanted freshly baked, warm out of the oven cookies."

Can you really blame me for that? What's better then the smell of warm cookies, especially when you're higher then the Himalayan mountains.

"So you tried to bake your own, didn't you?"

She looks like she wants to giggle! Can you believe that? No one giggles at Ashley Davies! I'm cool if you haven't noticed, probably the coolest person she'll ever meet and you'd better believe that!

"What? It seemed a reasonable enough thing to do at the time. I wanted cookies so I baked me some cookies. Followed the instructions in the book and everything. Not my fault the freaking timer thingy didn't go off loud enough to wake me up! So by the time I finally lift my head off the kitchen table the room is dark as night with smoke, cookies flaming away nicely in the oven. Sobered me right the fuck up."

Spencer's collapsed on my bed laughing. Loud, uncontrolled belly laughing and I'm about five seconds from joining her.

"Shit, you should have seen the maids face when she walked in the back door. All big eyes and open mouthed. She ended up hitting me in the head a bunch of times with the oven mitten before she actually plucked the cookies out. I didn't stick around for more and just got the hell out of there after that. Kitchen hasn't been my favorite place since then."

I can't help but laugh as it plays back in my head, the smell of the burnt cookies, the surprisingly hard whack of the oven mitten, the speed with which I made my exit. Really not my finest moment, but I guess it was funny now that I think about it.

So here we are, both lying on my bed breathless from laughing, her arm just barely touching mine. She's really warm, I noticed this when we danced at Aiden's party that night. Makes me look forward to all the dancing we'll do tonight.

"I feel obliged to offer you my incredible cookie baking skills for any future warm cookie cravings, because I'd hate for you to end up sending the poor maid to a flaming death. I've met her and she's nice. Makes the best sandwiches too."

I can't help but snort at that. Figures her stomach would somehow figure into this. I've noticed these past few weeks that Spencer Carlin can **EAT**! I mean she can consume huge amounts of food in no time at all, her stomach as close to a bottomless pit as anything I've seen before. Only person that can rival her appetite is Aiden, but he's like a goldfish, he'll eat until he explodes 'cos he's too stupid to realize he's full. Or can't remember that he just ate three seconds ago? I really have to stop watching discovery channel when I'm drunk, makes the finer details a little fuzzy to recall.

"So I can burn to a crisp because I don't have a skill that would appeal to you? That's cold, Kid."

Spencer smiles and stares at the ceiling.

"I wouldn't say that. You're very appealing to me. Um...I mean you have a very appealing skill to me."

She sounded like she disappeared there for a second, her voice all dreamy before she snapped out of it. Wonder what that was about?

"Yeah and what may that skill be, because I'm very, very talented in many, many things."

Did I make that sound a little suggestive? Really didn't mean to, I think suggestive is like my auto pilot setting, so no need to be weirded out by it.

"Your dancing. I mean as much as I love Kyla, the girls got no rhythm and you have tons. I love dancing with you."

Before I can be all smug about that, I spot Kyla in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

"Bitch _please_, I got all kinds of rhythm. You're just jealous."

I laugh as Spencer practically jumps a foot off the bed and lands back on her ass in the same spot blushing.

"Hey Kyla. Didn't see you standing there."

Kyla laughs and struts into the room after picking up the million and one bags from the floor by her feet. I'm going to assume she had a good shopping trip.

"Hmm...I gathered as much. Sorry I'm late by the way, got a little carried away at the mall. Has Ashley been a good hostess so far? Offered you a drink? Snack maybe?"

Oh God, I've forgotten all about shit like that. Never was really good at the hostess thing, but I still feel bad because I know what Spencer's appetite is like.

"Sorry Kid, you weren't dehydrating or anything this whole time, right? Blood sugar levels not dropping dangerously low? Do you need an emergency candy bar?! Oh man, where did I leave those life saving candy bars! Stay with me Kid, don't go towards the light!"

I can feel the laughter rumbling through her body where my hands linger on her upper arms after I stopped with the dramatic shaking. What? In situations like that there's always dramatic shouting and shaking, I watch tv and so do you, so you know I'm right.

"I'm fine, okay, the light is nowhere in sight. Mind you a candy bar would be nice, if you have one that is."

I chuckle as I get off the bed and pull one out my bag. I stole it off some freshman on Friday who was too busy checking out Spencer's ass in the hallway to notice me grabbing it out of his hand. He did notice when I hit him in the head with it though. Stupid, horny freshmen. I really don't like them.

"Here, just mind your fingers, don't want you biting one off in your haste to shove it down your throat."

She doesn't even bother answering me, just rips it open and happily starts munching away. And she wonders why I call her Kid?

"So did you max out all of my moms credit cards?"

I turn to see Kyla watching me. She's been doing that a lot lately. Just staring at me like I was a specimen in a jar in some lab. At least today she's got a small smile on her face, so I doubt she's like watching me with any evil intent. Then again, with Kyla you never know.

"Hmm? Oh, the shopping. I got us some great stuff for tonight."

Us? I don't recall needing anyone to shop for me anymore, not since I was like eleven anyway.

"What do you mean us?"

Kyla ignores me and sits down next to Spencer.

"I bought you a really hot two piece, Spence."

She pulls a deep blue two piece swimsuit out of one of the bags. Not that something that small can be called a swimsuit, its just two teensy, weensy pieces of blue cloth really.

"Uh...why exactly would I need that for tonight?"

Yeah, why the hell would she?

"Because we're going to a beach party, Spence. Everyone ends up in their skirts and bikini tops, less if they get really drunk."

Oh, I forgot that fact. I'm usually one of the ones in nothing _but_ my bikini.

"I guess that's okay then, but did you really have to buy one so...tiny?"

That's my question exactly. What's wrong with a nice, proper one piece? They can look fashionable and still cover _everything_ up.

"Get over it, you're going to wear that under your clothes if I have to put it on you myself."

Spencer just rolls her eyes, apparently not half as horrified by the image of Kyla dressing her in a bikini as I am.

"Fine, but I might need more then my usual three drinks before I walk around in just a bikini top."

That's settled then, no alcohol for Spencer. No alcohol means no loosing of the shirt. No loosing of the shirt means I don't have to beat a bunch of people up the whole night for looking at Spencer's boobs.

Great, this whole protecting her innocence thing is going to be the death of me! I'm so not looking forward to this stupid party anymore. _NOT. AT. ALL_!

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Okay, there's my update. So, did you like? Am I moving things with Ashley a little too fast? Do I need to slow down or speed up? Also, the next chapter I might do from Carmen's point of view, or Spencer's, I'm not sure. Let me know who you want to hear from. So yeah, review please:)


	10. Spencer's spot of turmoil!

**The masses have spoken! Spencer's point of view it is. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for all the reviews! You make my heart go boom-boom with all the kind words.**

**So it still isn't mine and I've run out of ideas how to make it mine, so I'm just sulking about it now. Not very mature, but it feels pretty good!**

Of to the story we go!

Senior Year

Chapter 10

Spencer's point of view.

By the time we get to Tony's party, I'm almost ready to just call it a night. Really, Kyla and Ashley ended up in a huge fight and I'm still not really sure what started it. I mean we were just deciding what to wear and all of a sudden world war three broke out. There were clothes hangers flying and insults slung, I mean they went all out!

Now I'm stuck uncomfortably between the two waring stepsisters. Ashley was driving in silence, her jaw clenched shut and giving _me_ the evil eye on occasion, like I did something wrong. Kyla for her part was mumbling to herself about what I'm not sure, but she was at least not giving me accusing looks. Really, if we hadn't just stopped in front of the huge beach house, I would have just gone home.

I don't bother waiting for them as I open my door and head towards the house. What? I really hate when people fight, the tension it leaves in the air always upsets me. So most times in a situation like this I head for cover, alone.

Not that that plan seems to be working, because I can hear the 'bleep' of Ashley's car alarm and then her sandaled feet running to catch up with me.

"Hey, wait up!"

I turn and watch as she walks up to me and I almost forget I'm semi mad at her. Okay, not mad, but feeling left in the dark and confused by her and it's not a nice feeling. Still, her outfit has me forgetting all about that for a moment. She's in one of her midriff baring shirts and a hung low over the hips short skirt. Really, her stomach is a thing of beauty and I want to touch it badly right now. Like it's taking all my concentration and resolve to not just let my hand wander over her abs briefly with just a butterfly touch. I do that often in my dreams, just caress her stomach and tell her I love it almost as much as I love her. Gotta love dreams, you know? It's all some of us will have.

She's about to say something when I notice Kyla's not following her and as if on cue, the car alarm goes off. I peak past Ashley and now I don't know if I should laugh or be pissed off.

"Did you really go and lock her in the car?"

Ashley gives me a look that says 'yeah, so what?', like she doesn't really see the problem with that.

"She was being a bitch."

I sigh and suddenly realize how my mother feels when Glen and I get into it. Kids, geez!

"That doesn't mean you can lock her in your car, Ashley." She just wiggles her nose at me and I almost smile. "Where you planning on leaving her there the whole night?"

Ashley seems to ponder this question for awhile, her eyebrows knitted together as she bites the side of her mouth.

"Probably."

At least she's honest.

"Look, she's been getting into it with me the whole afternoon, can you really blame me for wanting some Kyla free time?"

I really want to point out that she's been mostly getting in Kyla's face, but I don't want to get her angry at me. At least not more so, which brings me to my next question.

"Are you mad at me?"

Her eyes go all big when I ask her that and I hate the fact that I just sounded like a ten year old, my voice all soft and scared.

"God no! Don't be stupid, Kid. I'm just pissed at Kyla."

I know I shouldn't push this, but it feels like she's just a little mad at me too and I can't bare that. The last while we've been getting along so well, we talk and joke and laugh and I might die if I lose that now. I'll really just die. I'm pathetic, aren't I?

"Well it kind of feels like it. You were giving me these looks all the way over here and I just want to know if I've gone and done something to make you angry." She just stares at me and I'm compelled to go on. "I mean we're friends now, right? At least...I mean...I think we are, right?"

Oh God please let her say yes, please! I really thought we were friends and if I'm wrong, talking to her like this would be bad. Just really really bad. She has boundary issues, remember.

She sighs and nods her head.

"Yeah, we're...friends."

Good, I can breathe again.

"Okay, so as a friend you can tell me if I'm doing something that's making you unhappy. I won't get mad, I promise."

I'm not sure that was the right thing to say, but she hasn't told me off yet and she's still standing here, so that's good if you ask me.

"Look, I'm really not mad at you. It's just that Kyla and I...well...you see...Ugh! We started fighting because I said she was making you look slutty with all the things she made you try on for the party and then you went and wore her outfit and I'm maybe taking it out on you a little." She finally paused to take a breath. "Sorry."

Well, I didn't expect that. So the fight was about my choice of outfit? Or at least Kyla's choice of outfit for me. That's just weird. Hey wait a minute, I look **SLUTTY!?**

"Oh man, I told Kyla I couldn't pull this look off. I _knew_ I should have just kept my jeans on. This does just make me look slutty."

I can't help but try to tug the skirt as well as the top down to cover as much skin as possible. Kyla made me wear a short, blue skirt with a white top that left my stomach mostly exposed and clung rather snugly around my breasts. The only reason I wore it was because she told me it looked fine and that I should stop being so old fashioned. I thought it would make me fit in at the party more, make me more acceptable to be around.

Fine, I didn't want to look like a lost nun and make Ashley ashamed to be seen in public with me. Now it turns out I look like some slutty 'ho that she's embarrassed to be seen with. _Wonderful! _

Suddenly her hand is warm on my hip and she's standing right in front of me, her eyes deeply boring into mine. I don't think my heart was prepared for that, because it's having a panic attic in my chest.

"No, don't worry about it. You look really...you look beautiful, okay? I just meant that it's not your usual style and I didn't want her to try and like change you or anything and make you uncomfortable. I just said it made you look slutty to try and dissuade her. I didn't really mean it."

I can feel her fingers tugging the shirt down over my stomach and I can't help but shiver when the back of her knuckles brush against my skin.

"I get it. That was actually pretty sweet of you...in a rather warped way. I mean I am a little uncomfortable in this, but I don't always want to be geeky Spencer, you know? So I thought I'd try the outfit she picked for me and see how it goes."

Her one hand is still resting on my hip and she's absentmindedly now playing with the shirt in her other hand, leading to more subtle brushes of her skin against mine. I'm so glad I wore this shirt right now.

"I've told you before, Spencer, you're not just the geeky kid who gets good marks in class. If people can't see that without you having to change everything that makes you _you_, then they don't deserve to know you. Besides, do you really want a bunch of guys hanging around you know that they can see you're a hottie, with only one thing on their minds? And that thing will have nothing to do with the fact that you're a pretty great person. People like that will only end up hurting you."

With a final tug on my shirt she steps away and kind of shakes her head at the few shirtless guys on the front porch already eyeing us. I know they're not even seeing me, because who would notice me when Ashley Davies was standing right there looking hot, but I guess she doesn't see it that way. As delusional as I think she is for thinking that, I love her all the more for it. She thinks I look beautiful and that's pretty much the greatest thing to happen to me in ages.

"Thank you, Ashley."

She stops glaring at the guys on the porch and gives me a questioning look.

"For what?"

"For caring."

She looks startled at that and then she pulls away. Not physically, but I can see it clearly in her body language. Her eyes grow cold and her shoulders straighten. I don't know why, but me simply thanking her for caring about me seems to have been the wrong thing to say.

"Care about you? Fine, I know we said we're friends and all, but I barely know you and the only reason I said what I said was because I felt an obligation of sorts to do so. Don't be making assumptions about my feelings again, because the only person I really care about is myself. The only thing _anyone_ really cares about in my experience is themselves and you'd do well to learn that fact quickly. Life is less painful that way. Trust me."

Okay, that hurt. That really, really just hurt. I never in a million years would have expected that from her. She's friends with me, but she doesn't really care. She says the sweetest things and almost makes me feel completely good about myself, but she only did it out of some sort of obligation.

Guess that's what I am to her, really. An obligation. I'm just Kyla's best friend who she's forced to hang out with lately so she tolerates me, probably feels sorry for me more then anything else. Feels she has to warn Spencer against the big evil world, because I obviously know nothing about it. I live in books and grades and dreams where I get to stroke her stomach. Maybe she's right then.

In the real world, people care about themselves. Or maybe Ashley just cares about herself and no one else. The thing that hurts the most about this is that I don't think Ashley is who_ I_ thought she was. Who I thought I _loved_. Maybe I don't know her at all and I just love this fantasy I built up around her. God, how sad is that?

I turn around and see she's still lingering on the steps and I harden myself, because if I don't she might see my heart breaking a little bit, before I speak.

"Ashley?"

I'm surprised to hear my voice sounds normal, because inside normal is something that I fear I won't be able to recognize again for a very long time. I guess that's what happens when the small shred of hope I've always harbored is taken away from me. I'll never have her and maybe that's a good thing, because if this is her, the real her, maybe I don't want her.

She doesn't say anything, just looks at me so I continue.

"You still have to unlock the car for Kyla."

I walk past her and into the beach house without a second glance, sure that if I do I might just cry. Cry because I've been an idiot, because I've been in love with a fantasy for the better part of two years and because...because...Oh man I can't cry in front of all these people. I can't be hurt that Ashley, who is essentially a stranger to me, doesn't love me. That as much as I wish it was a fantasy a small voice inside my head is still telling me that I _do_ love her. That I always will. Even if she clearly can't even care for me in the most basic of ways, as a friend.

I'm relieved when I spot a table lined with drinks of various colors. I'm not much of a drinker and I've maybe only ever been drunk a grand total of two times in my life, but tonight I want to forget. So without thinking about it further I gulp down two of the little glasses with shooters in and grimace as it burns it's path down towards my stomach. I grab a glass and fill it with a generous amount of vodka and touch it up with some lemonade. Tonight I drink.

"Are my eyes deceiving me, or is it really little miss perfect chugging back drinks I see?"

I turn around to face the voice, even though I know who it is. Carmen Garcia. Great, the universe really just wants to rub _all_ my failures in my face tonight.

"Carmen, not tonight. You can gloat all you want Monday at school, but tonight I just don't want to _fucking_ hear it!"

As a rule I don't swear much. Or ever really, but it felt like the thing to do, you know? I mean I'm heartbroken here, I'm pretty much shattered over what probably seems to you as such a small thing, but to me? To me it meant so much. I just lost Ashley, or the small bit of her I thought I could have and here comes Carmen Garcia reminding me that I might just loose the one other thing of importance in my life. The valedictorian position.

"Uhm...are you okay?"

I don't think I've ever heard that exact tone in Carmen's voice. Granted, our conversations are limited to 'Ha, I got better marks then you' and me replying 'whatever', so I guess any other tone but smug would be new to me.

"Like you care."

Then she says the one thing in the one tone I never expected to hear from Carmen Garcia.

"I do care."

She said it so quietly, like she was afraid if she spoke louder or something I might yell at her again. The most surprising thing though was the tone of sincerity I could clearly hear in her words. She does care, so Ashley was wrong. Not everyone is so selfish that they can't care about other people too. All this time I've been resentful of Carmen and basically wished her presence away and she can scrounge up some sincere concern for me. I feel like a complete jerk now.

"Then you care more then some of my friends do."

I wanted it to come out hard and sarcastic, like I was just making a bad joke, but even I could hear I failed miserably. I just sounded sad and hurt. I shake my head and take a long sip of my too strong drink, I really do need to get on the whole drinking my worries away bit.

"Put that down and dance with me."

It's not so much a question as it is a demand and I find myself following it. Well, not before I take another huge gulp at least.

"Okay."

I spot Kyla standing with Aiden and Ashley and I can see she's arguing with Ashley about something. Aiden's obviously not interested in their argument, because his eyes are roaming around the room vacantly. Then when he spots me being led by the hand to the dance floor his eyebrows shoot up and a rather calculating look enters his eyes as he takes it all in. Me and Carmen and the hands held tightly between us and I'm reminded of what he said at lunch the other day, about Carmen liking me.

Before I can follow that thought further, I'm lead outside to where a good hundred or more people are already drunk and dancing wildly to the music. Without another word being said Carmen starts to dance and I follow, wondering what the hell I was doing as she smiled tentatively at me.

I can finally feel the alcohol start to work it's magic as my muscles relax and I sway to the music. For a few minutes we circle each other like that, both just swaying near but not touching. By the beginning of the fourth song I'm only semi surprised when she casually leans into me and cups her hand around my hip.

I let her, even as I fight down the realization that it feels wrong, that no ones hand but Ashley's would feel right there, because I just want someone to care right now.

And looking into Carmen Garcia's startling blue eyes, I know she cares. She cares a hell of a lot and that's enough for me.

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Okay, please no one kill me for doing this. In my defense I never said everything would be easy right from the get go for Ashley and Spencer, they both have issues they need to work through first, you know? So please tell me what you thought of this and what you thought of Carmen. Not that there was a lot of Carmen in this chapter, but the next one is from her point of view, so anything will be helpful. Do you want her to be the villain, or may she actually have a heart in this one? You tell me. **So review, please?**


	11. Welcome to Carmen's world

**Okay, so most of you agreed that Carmen got a bad run on the show and deserved to have a heart. Hopefully I've done that with this chapter. I remember watching the first scene with her, in the principles office and thinking that she was so damn hot, you know? So I'm happy I get to write her as a better person then on the show.**

**Anyway, to those that reviewed and said such heartwarming things? I send you all much love and appreciation. All the input helped a lot when I wrote this chapter and I want to thank you all for taking the time to give your opinion.**

So it's not mine and I've run out of things to say about that, so there. It's just not mine, simple as that.

Senior Year

Chapter 11

Carmen's point of view.

I don't really know why I come to these stupid parties, it just pisses me off most of the time. I mean all that happens at these parties is a bunch of rich, good looking kids get drunk and fuck their lives and their futures up a bit more. I mean how many drugs do you think are available here tonight? How many drunk girls are going to have sex with some guy that can't remember their name and then have a quiet abortion somewhere down the road? How many gross STD's do you think are just waiting to be passed onto some poor drunk or drugged up sap?

I fucking despise these parties, but I always end up coming to them. Why you might ask? Well, honestly I could go to a party in my own neighborhood, but I'd end up watching the same thing happen. It would only involve cheaper drugs and booze and uglier girls. So I come here and I watch pretty girls throw themselves at pretty boys and once in a while, I'll have their expensive alcohol and I'll get to kiss a pretty girl of my own. Never more than kiss though, remember the above mentioned STD's? Yeah, I don't do random sex, but I'm the biggest kissing slut you'll ever meet.

So yeah, call me a hypocrite if you will for despising these kids for what I'm partly doing myself, but I need to get away sometimes. These little lost boys and girls think they have it so bad and half the time I just want to laugh in their faces. I've heard the drunken whispers, 'Daddy left for another business trip and Mommy is drunk, they don't love me...blah, blah, blah!' Poor babies.

My father beat my mother to within an inch of her life and then fucked off back to wherever he originally came from when I was seven. When my mother was healed up enough we threw a little celebration party, glad the drunk fuck was out of our lives forever. Of course, things were hard after that, were always hard to begin with really. Mom works three jobs, trying to support four kids and a baby. My sister Liz got pregnant and the looser boyfriend disappeared off the face of the earth. So there was another mouth in an already cramped space to feed. My shit head oldest brother ran with a wrong crowd doing God knows what most of the time. To stupid or lazy to bring any financial support or care that his mother was working herself to death, that his baby brother worked long hours for minimum wage after he dropped out of school to help out or that his other sister might possibly be sleeping with a married man to pay the electricity bill. Yeah, my family life sucks.

Doesn't mean I'm not gonna do everything possible to eventually make it easier for them. Which brings me to the next thing that I hate about this party in particular. Spencer Carlin. She just walked through the front door looking...well, looking fucking pretty hot in my opinion. I think I hate Spencer Carlin more then anyone else in the world. Now don't give me that look, okay? Let me explain this to you properly before you judge me.

She's perfect. She's perfect with such ease that I'm green with jealousy most of the times. Everything seems to come easy to her. She has an easy smile, she has an easy intelligence, she has an easy everything. She has the perfect set of parents and even an adopted African American brother. They're like the freaking Brady Bunch. Her natural beauty comes without work, she probably wakes up without bed head or sleep in her eyes. She's probably the nicest person you'll ever meet, being polite and sweet comes naturally to her too. You could easily like a girl like that, even love her maybe.

Which brings us to why I hate her. She could easily take the one thing from me that I want, that I need more than anything else in the world. The Valedictorian position.

Little miss perfect American girl, with her soft smile and blond hair and blue eyes and sharp mind, can take my future from me. The future I must have, other wise I'll become the one thing that scares me most. My mother.

I don't want to be so tired that I can't even hold a conversation without falling asleep mid sentence, I don't want to look twenty years older than I really am, I don't want to go to Church on a Sunday and pray to God that my idiot of a son doesn't get himself stabbed or shot to death this week.

So even though Spencer Carlin is one of the most perfectly perfect people I've ever met, I hate her. I hate her, because she could be the reason I don't get a full scholarship to the university of my choice. She could be the reason I don't get to buy my mother and sister and brother (the good one) the big house they deserve to live in. She could be the reason I turn into just another nameless face in two or more nameless jobs.

Mostly I hate her tonight for making me want to kiss her despite all of the things I've just told you about.

To say I'm surprised when I spot her hitting the table with the hard liquor is putting it mildly. Spencer doesn't generally do parties and the one of two I've seen her at she hardly has more then a glass or two. Now she's throwing back shooters like a pro and grabbing the Vodka too.

"Are my eyes deceiving me, or is really little miss perfect chugging back drinks I see?"

When she turns around to face me, I can't help but feel a twitch in my gut when her eyes look so wearily into mine.

"Carmen, not tonight. You can gloat all you want Monday at school, but tonight I just don't want to _fucking_ hear it!"

Holy shit! Spencer Carlin just said 'Fucking!'. I think my world might just fall apart, because that just can't be right. Perfect girls like Spencer Carlin doesn't say words like 'Fuck' and stuff!

"Um...are you okay?"

She ignores me for a second or two, then she gets this sad look on her face and I'm reminded of my sister the day her stupid asshole of a boyfriend took off.

"Like you care."

And here's the thing I hate about myself. I do care, I care more then I should about Spencer. I'm not saying I'm in love with her or anything, but I do like her. No one that meets Spencer can not like her to some degree.

"I do care."

She watches me for a few seconds and I can't help but notice the hurt and sadness and even a little bit of anger in her eyes. Then she looks off into the distance with slumped shoulders. What the hell happened to Spencer that's made her so unlike the girl I'm used to seeing!

"Then you care more then some of my friends do."

With that she gulps down half of her too strong Vodka and I wonder how long before she's drunk on her ass. This is not the kind of party where a girl like Spencer should get drunk on her own and I don't see her friend Kyla anywhere. Bad things happen in situations like these with girls like this. You and I both know that.

"Put that down and dance with me."

She almost immediately follows my veiled demand, but not before throwing more Vodka down her throat.

"Okay."

Now I'm on a dance floor with my mortal enemy if you will and I'm actually enjoying myself. I don't want to freak her out more than she already is, so I keep my distance mostly.

See, you've probably noticed the part about me kissing girls. Well, I don't exactly keep it a secret or anything, but I don't know if Spencer knows this about me. I don't want her to think I'm putting the moves on her, because even though I think she's hot, I don't for one second think she'll have anything to do with me in that way.

Still, by the fourth song I can't really help myself. When I put my hand on her hip and dance just that little bit closer, she doesn't move away. She actually returns my tentative smile. I'm pretty sure at this point the world has turned upside down. Maybe I shouldn't have ignored that dirty guy with the poster screaming 'The end is near! Our time is up, the end is near!' yesterday, because I'm pretty certain the horsemen of the Apocalypse are on their way. No other way would Spencer Carlin be leaning into me and actually dragging me even closer.

"Do you like me Carmen? Like really actually care about me?"

Now I've already told her I care, so what's the point of lying now.

"I've already told you, Spencer. I do care about you, even if it doesn't really seem like it. You're nice."

She tilts her head to the side and I see her droopy eyes watching me. Great, she's kinda drunk. Not completely hammered, but definitely seeing the world a bit fuzzily at this point.

"No, I mean do you like me in more then just a friendly way. Not that you've ever been very friendly with me, but my one friend said he thought..."

She trails off slightly embarrassed and I can't help but smile softly at her. Most people think I'm a bit of a bitch, okay a pretty cold hearted and mean bitch, but that's far from true. That's just how people are comfortable seeing me, you know? It's the mask that people like to see on the poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks.

Most times I'm happy to let them believe it, even encourage that opinion of me, but not tonight. Not with this girl that seems to be showing me what's behind her mask just a bit. Not that I even realized she might be hiding as much from the world as I do. As anyone really does I guess.

"You heard I was gay, right?"

She doesn't say anything, just nods her head.

"And this friend said I have the hots for you or something?"

She's steadily turning red and I have to remind myself that this girl, this shy, blushing girl could ruin my future. That no matter how cute she looks right now, I shouldn't be doing what I'm about to do.

"Well, that friend would be right. I think you're pretty fantastic, Spencer. You're good looking and smart and what's not to like about that? Not that I think for one moment that I stand a chance in hell with you, because Sunshine? You have straight stamped on your forehead. So don't worry about me jumping you or anything, even though right now I kinda want too."

She's swallowing convulsively and blinking back tears and I have the urge to beat myself in the head. I've gone and said something stupid I think and now she's crying.

Oh God, I actually made Spencer Carlin cry. That's equivalent to kicking a puppy or something else completely heartless. Yeah, like clubbing baby seals, or mugging an old lady or...

Shut up and do something, Carmen!

"Hey, I'm sorry. Don't cry, okay? I'm not really gonna jump you or anything, I just wanted to complement you, you know? I mean you did ask and stuff..."

I trail of when I realize she's not even really listening to me, just burying her face in the hair by my neck and sniffing softly. So I just sway us from side to side, not really keen on letting anyone know the girl in my arms is actually in tears.

So I close my eyes and just sway, whispering to her that everything is fine, that she can cry, that I'm here, that I wont hurt her or do anything bad. I make sure to rub her back, nice and slow and hopefully in a calming manner, because even if I don't mind her crying her eyes out on my shoulder, I don't think the dance floor is the best place for it to be happening.

I'm surprised when she pulls away suddenly and wipes at her eyes.

"Can...can we go somewhere and talk? I just ne-need to te-te-talk to someone."

She's crying a little bit again and I lead her away from the music and into the house. There's a bathroom upstairs that seemed quiet a little earlier and I head that way. She needs to wash her face and stuff if she doesn't want people to notice she's upset.

She holds my hand tightly all the way there and I can't help but feel that right now, she's no more then a little lost girl. Lost in the big, bad world looking for something to cling to.

I close the master bedroom's door and lead her to the bathroom, closing that door as well. Without a word I find a face cloth and wet it, hard to do when Spencer's still clinging to my hand and all, but I manage.

She lets me wipe away the tears and closes her eyes when I let the cool cloth rest against her too warm cheeks.

"Spencer, what's the matter?"

She silently drops down onto the edge of the large tub and I follow her, sitting close to her, but I don't even care that our bare arms are pressed against each other. I don't care that she smells so good, like green apples and sunshine. I just care that she still looks so sad and I can't help but want to make it better.

I wait a long time for her voice, but eventually it makes its shaky appearance.

"I got my heart broken tonight."

I want to say something, but she doesn't really give me the chance to ask anything.

"She doesn't care about me. Not even one little bit. Not even as a friend. She just doesn't care and I thought...I thought she at least liked me as a friend, you know? I thought I could at least have that, but..."

I'm too shocked to say anything, even if I wanted too. She got her heart broken, by a girl. Spencer Carlin, the perfect image of an all American, wholesome girl, is gay. Has warm and fuzzy feelings for someone with breasts. Someone who doesn't have a...a...a freaking penis! She likes girls!

"Carmen? Hey, Carmen, are you okay? Come on, talk to me, you're freaking me out!"

I guess I zoned out or something, because Spencer is kneeling in front of me, her hand waving in front of my face and her eyes worried.

"I...you...girl? Uh?"

And then she bursts out laughing. Long and loud and musically. Five seconds later I'm surprised to hear my own voice joining hers, both of us leaning into each other for support as we just laugh insanely for no apparent reason.

Finally she pulls away, again with tears in her eyes, but this time they're there because of wry humor and nothing else.

"God, sorry. I guess I shouldn't have just blurted that out like that, huh? I mean, for a second there I thought I broke you."

She's giggling softly and I can't help but join in again.

"I'm pretty sure you kinda did, at least for a second or so. I mean, you could have at least warned me before ripping apart every assumption I ever made about you and tossing my world in a blender."

She just quietly smiles and I shake my head.

"Not that there's an easy, unsurprising way to tell someone you're gay. Trust me, I know."

She nods her head, still quietly smiling. I wait for her to speak, to say what she needs to say, because I get the idea I'm the first person she's told about this. I get the idea this has been bottled up in her for much to long and that if she doesn't talk about it now, she might explode like a cartoon character. Like there'd be little frustrated Spencer bits all over this bathroom if she didn't decompress right now.

"I...I've never talked about this to anyone. Never wrote it in a diary. Never even said it out loud. I mean I'm so scared half the time, you know? Just scared of I don't even know what. Scared of her, of how I feel. Is it normal to feel like that?"

I nod and let her go on, encourage her with a smile and a squeeze to her soft hand.

"I mean, at first I thought it was normal. I thought I was just admiring her and there's nothing wrong with that. I didn't think a thing was wrong with watching her and dreaming about her and wanting to know more about her. It just all happened so naturally. Maybe it was just so gradual that I didn't notice I was in love with a girl, until I actually thought it in my head. I was so surprised, but I couldn't pretend it wasn't what I was feeling. I didn't want to lie to myself, so I just kept on doing what I was doing, just watching her, dreaming about her."

She's quiet again for the longest time and I'm simply put just too scared to say anything. I don't want to say the wrong thing.

"Then we kinda started hanging out lately and I really thought I'd at least have her friendship, but she made it clear tonight that I'm not important to her in anyway. So here I am, sitting in a bathroom spilling my guts to you."

Her eyes grew wide as she looked back into my eyes.

"Oh crap! I just..I just...you're gonna tell people, aren't you?"

I almost fall off the edge of the bath in my haste to get onto my knees facing her. To grip her shoulders and reassure her.

"Oh hell no! I swear I won't do that, Sunshine. I mean, I completely understand what you're going through here. I'd never do that to you or anyone for that matter."

She smiles so widely at me and I realize I kinda over reacted a bit, what with the dramatic dropping to the knees and the hurried, desperate words.

"Okay, I believe you. Now, can I ask you one more thing?"

I nod my head eagerly, really wanting to help her in any way I can at this point.

"What's it like to kiss a girl?"

Uh...okay, I guess that's a good question for a newbie to ask. Spencer seems like the kind that would want as much information on a subject as possible. That's what makes her such a great student and my only rival at school after all.

"Well, it's different than kissing a guy. It's softer, slower and girls tend to not choke you with their tongue and stuff. Girls just have more finesse, I guess."

She nods her head thoughtfully. I've got the feeling I just became a walking, talking encyclopedia in her eyes.

"Hmm...what else should I know about girls? Like, is it weird on dates and stuff? Who pays? How far does a girl expect you to go on a date? How far is too far, really? Do you fight as often as a straight couple would? Do girls cheat a lot like guys? Do..."

I cut her off with a hand over her mouth, because I'm scared she's gonna pass out if she doesn't take a breath. That or my head will explode from all the questions being thrown at me a mile a minute.

"Hey, slow down, okay?"

She blushes again and I have the stupid urge to kiss her again. Not that I'm going to, because I won't stoop that low. She just came out to someone for the first time and admitted she was completely in love with someone. Someone other than me, so it would be like taking advantage and I can't do that, no matter how much I just wanna grab her and kiss her and...

Argh! Just stop imagining it!

She's your fucking rival, Carmen! She's going to try to take the Valedictorian position and probably go to the school you wanted to go to and get the future, high paying job you need and the perfect life you dream about.

Get your head out of your ass and just step away now, because you're still holding her shoulder in your one hand and your other is over her warm, soft lips you idiot. You're still looking at her eyes and your still thinking about leaning in and kissing her.

Don't say what you're about to say, Carmen, please don't say it.

"I could show you all these things, you know? I mean...I could kiss you and take you on a date. I could even fight with you, not that that would be new to us anyway, so..."

I finally stop to take a shaky breath and internally beat myself up, because that was possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Stupid as it might have been, she's kinda leaning closer to me. Like, staring into my eyes and then fluttering a look at my lips and swallowing nervously. Oh God, I think she's gonna kiss me!

"Okay."

Her voice is so low and soft and so raspy that I barely hear it, but then everything kinda fades away anyway, because her lips are on mine. Her soft, hesitant lips are pressed against mine and her hand is on my cheek.

Then I just fall, I hopelessly fall down into the soft feeling of perfection pressed so softly against me. The warm, innocent mouth moving in rhythm with my own. The tongue that peaks out and softly runs over my quivering bottom lip. I realize with shock that she's kissing me like she's done this before, while I fumble and tremble like an inexperienced virgin. God this girl can kiss, even this she does so perfectly!

Then she pulls away and smiles at me so sweetly that I think I might just die.

"Does this mean we're gonna be nice to each other at school?"

I burst out laughing at what could possibly be the stupidest question she's yet to ask me.

"God no, that would be too weird, don't you think?"

She just smiles and I can't help but lean back in and kissing her again. I don't know how long we kissed, or where it would have led, because after hearing the door open, all hell broke loose.

All I remember was a shout of 'What the fuck?' before I was tackled by a blur with long, brown hair flowing behind her.

Then all was almost dark as my head hit the tiled floor with a resounding crack as an angry weight settled on top of me.

What the fuck just happened?

-------------------------------------------------

**So please let me know what you thought of my version of Carmen! I would love the feedback.**

**Also, whose point of view do you want next, Ashley or Spencer's? I'm a bit torn, but I'm leaning towards Ashley. **

**Anyway, the next update should be by Saturday, so review, please?**


	12. Ashley to the rescue, sort of!

**So I was supposed to update yesterday, but I had a friend over and we got drunk. Not a very good or mature excuse, but it's the only on I have.**

**Also to the people that reviewed, THANK YOU!!!!!**

**It helps me a lot to know what you guys want and when you point out when I do something wrong. The only way I know if I'm going in the right direction is if you take the time to review, so once again thanks to those that have done so.**

**I don't own the show, but I do own this story. Do you think Tom Lynch would swap with me? **

Senior Year

Chapter 12

Ashley's point of view.

Okay, so I fucked up. Like really,_ really_ fucked up. The minute those stupid ass words came out of my mouth I knew it. All of it was just confirmed when her eyes got all big and sad, like a kid that just watched Bambi's mom die for the first time, you know? All surprised and shocked, like she couldn't believe what just happened. Yeah, I'm a heartless bitch, maybe I've been hanging around Madison too much.

It's just that she scared me, because the minute she said those words, that simple 'for caring', I knew it was the truth. I did care. I do care. I care a lot actually. And it's fucking terrifying and confusing and down right inconvenient. I mean why do I care? I barely know her for a few weeks and we don't have anything in common besides Kyla and a shared hatred of Britney Spears. So from where the sudden urge to go stick my head in a pot of boiling oil for hurting her?

Now I'm all torn between running after her and basically begging her to forgive me or just letting her go. Now my head is telling me to let her go, because I care and caring only leads to hurting for me. It always had, but my heart? My heavily thumping, panicked heart is telling me to move my screwed up ass and make it all better with her. Quickly. Why, I don't know, but it's what I'm going to do.

Wait, what am I forgetting? Hmm...Oh. Car alarm.

I run over to my car and I almost laugh when I spot Kyla's face. She looks like she's five seconds away from imploding, sitting there pounding on my dashboard and swearing like my Grandma Lizzie. The woman sounds like a pot bellied truck driver, except she doesn't have a pot belly and she can't drive a truck. Or a car for that matter, not after the little drunk driving incident and the fact that she can't see jack shit with her seventy year old eyes. She could just wear her glasses, but she says they make her look dorky. Yup, she actually used the word dorky. I think she watches too many teen shows, actually caught her one day rewinding the bits in One Tree Hill where Nathan has his shirt off. Weirdest seventy year old Grandma I know, but she's the only one I got, so I deal with it.

Now I'm not so sure I want to deal with Kyla right this minute, because she really is foaming at the mouth. Maybe I shouldn't have locked her in the car, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Just like telling Spencer I didn't care about anyone but myself seemed like a good idea. Yeah, I'm stupid like that.

"Now Kyla, I'm gonna unlock the door, but you gotta promise me you're not gonna do anything violent, okay?"

Last time I got her this mad she cut a hole in one of my vintage band t-shirts. Actually my _favourite_ vintage t-shirt. On second thought, maybe I should just leave her in the car.

"Just unlock the car, Ash!"

Demanding tonight, aren't we? She really can't take a joke.

"Fine, but if you freak out and hurt me...I'll...I'll...hehe...I'll tell everyone you still have your complete set of Barbie dolls in your shoe cupboard!"

That shut her up nice and quick, so I hit the little unlock button and make a run for the front door. I still have to go make good with Spencer after all.

I spot her at the drinks table and would have gone over, but Kyla caught up and apparently picked Aiden up along the way. Dumb and Dumber united again!

"Ash, what did you say to Spence?"

At least she's not going postal on me about the car thing, although I'd rather it be about that then my little slip up with Spencer. I so don't have time to explain it in a way that doesn't make me look like a complete ass right now.

"Look, nothing really happened okay? Nothing serious at least and if you give me five seconds I'll go clear up the little...incident with her."

Kyla grabs me before I can head off and gives me the stink eye. Great, she's in blood hound mode.

"I saw the way she looked at you! She looked all...hurt. What did you say to her Ashley?"

Now if she still seemed angry and mad, I'd have just told her to mind her own business, but she's asking in that quiet, disappointed way. I hate when people do that.

"I...I may have kinda told her...uhm...thateventhoughtwe'refriendsIdon'treallycareabouther."

There, I said it.

"Huh?"

"Wha?"

Kyla+Aiden Morons. And they say I'm not good at maths. Ha! Back to the topic on hand though, distracting myself only ever gets me so far.

"I said...that even though we're friends, I don't really care about her."

Cue the disappointed and pissed off looks, surprisingly enough from both Kyla _and_ Aiden. They're double teaming me, that's no fair!

"Don't look at me like that, okay? It just came out wrong. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings or anything. She just came out of left field with something and I didn't really think before speaking."

I've already lost Aiden to his child like attention span, 'cos I can see his eyes drifting about the room, but Kyla's still staring at me all angry like.

"Look, I'm gonna go talk to her now and smooth things over."

Kyla grabs my wrist and yanks me back to her. Oh boy, she really looks pissed off. I gotta remember to stash all my good t-shirts away. I have a feeling none of them are safe.

"Don't bother."

What the hell's that supposed to mean.

"Don't bother? Uh...what do mean?"

She's looking at me, all intense like and it's kinda scary. Yeah, Kyla's all tiny and sweet most of the time, but when she looks at you like that? You get the idea she's planning to murder you in your sleep.

"Don't bother making it right with her if it's true."

Oh, she really thinks I meant it. That I don't care about Spencer. Well, that hurts. Why I don't know, but it does.

"It's not true, okay? I do...you know?"

I just flutter my hand in the air, not very keen to admit out loud that I do care about Spencer. So I don't say that word, that 'care' word. I just flutter away, 'cos it's safer than saying it out loud.

"No, I don't think you do."

Now she's just pissing me off. Does she like think she can tell me how to think or feel? I know what I feel for Spencer. Well, not exactly, but I at least know I care. Uhm...as a friend and all.

"Oh screw you, Kyla. Do you really think you're the only one that cares about Spencer? I mean you think so little of her that you'd think no one else could see she's pretty great! That she's funny, smart and that when she smiles...it's like...like... like you're being wrapped in warmth. She makes you feel all safe and warm and you can't help forget just about every damn bad thing that's ever happened to you? I get how great she is and I do..." Oh God, just grow a pair and say it! "care about her. So really, just screw you for thinking that little of me and her for that matter!"

And she calls herself a best friend! I mean really, she's going on and on about me not caring, but she's making it sound like it's that hard for people to care about Spencer! Spencer deserves a little bit more than that from her so called best friend if you ask me.

"Now look here Ashley, you don't get to say that to me. Not after ignoring her existence for the last two years! Only reason you're noticing how great she is now, is because I practically shoved her into your face this last month or so and I'm starting to think that was a mistake. Tonight proved that to me. I really thought you'd grow up and out of this scared, selfish little girl stage, but I was wrong. I think you actually like it in your little world. Your sad little world where everyone leaves, right? You think I don't see what you do? You push people away on purpose! You sleep with the same guy for months! Then when he starts to show a real, genuine feeling for you, you dump him. Happened with the next one too. You even do it with me and don't even get me started on how you abandoned Aiden after the...the thing that happened."

Jesus! Where the hell does she get off saying that to me!

"Don't you dare bring..."

She cuts me off, not even letting me finish my indignant rant.

"No Ash, I've stayed quiet for so long and I've watched you do all these things, all these things that only end up hurting you more. I'm sorry about your Dad, but it's not like he _wanted_ to leave you! It was an accident and if it was his choice, he'd still be here with you. People like me and Aiden and especially Spencer won't leave, Ash. I promise you that. You can't be this...alone forever. It's not healthy Ash. I'm just so tired of worrying about you, so just let me in, okay? Let good people like Spencer in. Just let us be there for you and it'll get better, I promise you that. You need to let someone in, Ash."

I think I'm gonna cry, because it's true. I blamed my dad for leaving, when he really didn't leave me. He was just...taken, but it still God damn hurt! Same with...with the baby. I wanted that baby so much, so very much, but that was taken away too. So what am I supposed to think? All the things I want, all the things I love are just taken away. How can she expect me to let people in in that case.

"Can you really stand there and promise me all that? That you won't ever leave me? That if I let Spence in she won't end up being taken away too? It hurts so fucking much when that happens, Kyla. I just don't know how else to be, how else to keep from hurting. I just can't..."

She's looking at me so sadly, like she realizes I'm right. She can't promise me things like that, because that's not how life works.

"Ash, maybe it was wrong to promise, but I can tell you that it doesn't always go down like that. Not everyone is going to leave, but you have to give them a chance to really be there and show you that. Everyone will leave if you push them away and that's what you did with Spencer tonight. You hurt her so you wouldn't hurt in the end. Was that really fair?"

Oh God, she's right. That innocence that Spencer has that I wanted to protect so badly, I just chipped away at that tonight, didn't I? A little of it is gone because I'm just a big coward.

"No, that was far from fair, but I don't know how else to be, Kyla. I mean I want to fix this, but it's scary."

God, I sound like a four year old! Like some scared little kid. Kyla's so right, I've been this selfish little girl that's taken and taken and taken from people giving very little, if anything, back.

"I'm not saying you have to let everyone in right now. Just, start trusting a little bit, Ash. Let the people that really care in. I care, you know that and so does Spencer. She cares more than you realize, Ashley. So much more. She deserves to be let in, even if it is just a bit at a time."

I nod my head, 'cos what can I say to that? Kyla's right. I need to make a change, scary as it might be.

The surprising thing is I want to start with Spencer. I just want her to smile at me again and make me feel all warm and safe. I just want her to dance with me and sing in funny voices and lay down on my bed breathless with laughter. I just want her. So, so much.

Why I want her so badly I'll just think about later, because my head already hurts from this conversation with Kyla.

"Uhm...do you see her anywhere? I think I need to go kiss some major butt right now."

Aiden bites his bottom lip and looks all nervous like at Kyla. What the hell is up with him now. He disappeared for a bit there during the conversation and pops back looking like he's delivering a death notice.

"I haven't actually spotted her, have you Aiden?"

She actually seems oblivious to Aiden's obvious discomfort.

"Uh...yeah. She was dancing with Carmen earlier, but I think I noticed her heading upstairs a minute or two ago."

Spencer and Carmen, dancing. Carmen fucking Garcia danced with my Spencer. I mean my _friend_ Spencer, that bitch! She was probably trying to cop a feel or something, taking advantage of Spencer being all sad and probably tipsy. Which is my fault I guess, but we shouldn't dwell on that, not while there's more pressing matters to take care of. Like finding Spencer right the fuck now!

So I don't wait for Kyla to say anything, I just turn and head for the stairs. I need to make sure Spencer is okay and then beg her to forgive me. If I'm going to do the whole open up thing, I might as well do it properly. So begging is the way to go I think.

As I head up the stairs I spot Aiden whispering to Kyla and her eyes go all narrow. Then she's running past me up the stairs. I can't help throwing a questioning glance Aiden's way, but he just ducks his head and slinks off.

"What the fuck!"

That gets my legs moving, because Kyla was using her angry voice. Loudly.

I can hear a grunt or two and when I finally find her in a bathroom, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. She's on top of a wide eyed, grunting in pain Carmen, both their arms and legs flailing around. Spencer's sitting all wide eyed against a wall, looking very red and flustered.

"Kyla, get the fuck off of her!"

I get a good grip on Kyla and yank her off before she hurts herself, because she's no good in a fight. I give her points for at least being willing to throw a punch if the need arose, but she's gonna get herself killed against a ghetto chick like Carmen.

When I get her up and off she turns at me with big eyes.

"Let me go! You don't understand, Ash! Carmen was...she was..."

Then I let my eyes wander back to Spencer. A flushed and flustered Spencer and I get a bloody good idea of what Carmen did.

She...she...she touched her.

I. AM. GOING. TO. KILL. THAT. BITCH!!!!

"Arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!"

Before I can slam into her, Spencer jumps in front of me and we go down like a ton of bricks.

I'm struggling to get up and get at that...that...that thing Satan squeezed out of his butt and named Carmen, but Spencer's holding onto me tightly. Like completely lying down on top of me. Thigh against thigh, stomach pressed against stomach, Oh God, breast against breast! I mean I can feel her heartbeat against my chest. Her breath warm and sweet as it puffs out of her swollen lips.

Lips that are swollen, because Carmen...kissed them.

"Arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!"

That's about all I can get out as I struggle against her again, but she's so much stronger than she looks, damnit!

"Ashley, just calm down. Ashley!"

She presses even closer and I actually want to moan when her thigh slips between my own struggling ones and she presses up against me by accident. Hard into me. I just manage to keep from moaning, but my breath does hitch and for a moment our eyes lock.

She just looks at me, staring so hard and saying something that I just can't seem to understand. She let's out a deep breath then, her whole body shuddering as an after effect and pulls her thigh away.

Now here's the surprising thing. The minute her thigh pulls away, I finally become aware of the fact that I'm on fire. Everywhere her body is touching mine, there's heat. My heart is beating a thousand beats in what feels like only a second and my chest is heaving, pressing even harder into her with each painful breath. It's fucking glorious!

The heat just intensifies and I finally realize that it spread from where her thigh had pressed into me so intimately. Oh Jesus Christ! I'm turned on! She...she turned me on!

I shove her off me so hard and so fast that she lands with a loud thump. I just stare at her for a second or two, both of us just looking at the other. Her eyes big and surprised, just like mine. Oh God, please don't let her have realized what she did to me! Please, please, please don't let me freak her out! Shit, please don't let me freak out. More than I already am at least.

"Bitch, that _hurt_!"

I turn in time to see Kyla bite into Carmen. Yup, she actually bit her. I told you she was useless in a fight.

I guess they got into it again when Spencer and I were...uh...'fighting'.

Carmen squeals and gets Kyla in a very impressive head lock, leaving Kyla huffing and puffing while she claws away at the hands around her head and neck. They both look red faced and exhausted and really just ridiculous.

So I do what anyone in my situation would do. I laugh. Hysterically so and for a very long time.

Not long after I start I notice Spencer crack up as well and then it spreads like the black plague, because the two WWE wannabe wrestlers in the corner joins us.

So there we are, just sitting on the bathroom floor laughing our asses off for no reason at all apparently.

Not that that lasted long when we finally heard some shouts from down stairs.

"Someone called the Cops!"

"It's the Po-Po!"

Po-Po? What the fuck is a po-po?

Not that I have a lot of time to ponder this as Spencer gets all panicky.

"Police? There's police? I'm gonna get arrested for underage drinking, aren't I? Oh man, I won't last five seconds in the big house! I really won't. I can't even pee if I know there's someone standing outside the bathroom door, how the hell am I supposed to do it with a cell mate called 'Butcher' watching?"

I just roll my eyes and grab her hand, trying hard not to let the warmth of her skin distract me from pulling off our great escape.

"There's a balcony with stairs going down to the beach through those sliding doors. So come on."

I drag Spencer towards the doors and watch with amusement when Kyla has to ask Carmen to help her up. Apparently she hurt her ankle during one of her attacks.

"Just give me a hand up will you? It's your freaking fault I'm hurt anyway!"

Carmen scoffs but helps her up anyway.

"Yeah it's my fault, because I _sooooo_ wanted to get tackled by a pixie with anger management issues tonight!"

Then all four of us are down the stairs as fast as we can go, not that that's very fast with Kyla hanging off of a pissed off looking Carmen.

I ignore Spencer when she suggests we head to the car, because, well duh, that's where the cops are parked. Not that I tell her that, I mean she's probably just scared and not thinking too clearly right now. This is obviously her first party where the cops show up, mine not so much, hence the logical thinking on my part.

We walk a good few minutes before I'm happy we found a good spot to wait out the cops.

Kyla and an exhausted Carmen, 'cause she dragged Kyla the whole way here, just drop down onto the sand and lean back against the rocks.

I take the time to find Spencer and myself a dry spot of sand before doing the same. Once we're all seated, I take the time to look each of them in the eye before speaking.

"So I guess we should...I dunno...talk?"

Spencer drops her chin onto her chest and sighs, Carmen watches her do it and nods to herself sadly, Kyla pokes her slightly swollen ankle and grunts before giving Carmen's shoulder a hard shove.

Yup, this is going to be a 'fun' conversation.

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**So there we go! Let me know what you thought of this chapter, or I'll get Kyla to come bite you! Now I have no idea whose point of view should come next, but I'm thinking Kyla, because this chapter and the one before it was a bit serious. I wanna lighten it up a bit and Kyla seems good for that. So yeah, review!**


	13. Kyla and a case of second thoughts

**Once again thank you for reviewing, especially to the people that consistently review after each of my chapters time and time again. I'm thankful for the loyal support and encouragement. **

**The show is not mine, neither are the characters, but this particular little soap opera of a story was cooked up solely by me, so suck it Tom Lynch!**

**Okay, I'm not so sure about this chapter, maybe it's cursed because it's number 13. Read and decide!**

Senior Year

Chapter 13

Kyla's point of view.

God my ankle hurts! I mean it's turning all blue and swelling. Ugh, no way will I be able to wear heels this week and I look freaking hot in heels! They do wonders for my legs.

This is all Welfare Barbie's fault! Because of her I'm tired, sore, bruised and sitting on damp sand. So now I've got a soggy ass as well. Really just a perfect evening so far, don't you think?

"So I guess we should...I dunno...talk?"

Oh,_ now_ she wants to talk. _Now_ she wants to be little miss 'let's share our feelings and sing khumbaya together'. Well I'm sorry if I think it's a little too late for that tonight. Honestly, I mean tonight has just gone to hell in my opinion. I don't know who I'm more pissed off at, Spencer, Ashley or Carmen. First Ashley probably goes and decimates my best friends feelings. Then said best friend runs off and makes out with the first available lesbian she can find. Then as I bravely try to stop Spencer from making a huge mistake, I get mauled and hurt my ankle.

I mean look at it! It's disfigured now!

That's it, I'm more pissed at Carmen. This is somehow all her fault and I'm going to make her pay.

"Hey, could you stop with the shoving, Tinkerbell!"

Tinkerbell?! TINKERBELL?!

"Oh sweetie, you better hope and pray I'm no Tinkerbell, because if I am? I'm gonna shove my wand so far up your..."

Then Carmen's hand is over my mouth and I do the only thing I can in the situation. I bite her again. She's yelping and pulling her hand back and only then does it occur to me that her hand was on my mouth.

I mean where has that hand been? Oh...Oh God, mental images of her and Spencer in the bathroom. Ew...just ewewewewewewew, I so gotta wash my face right now!

"Jesus, someone should do the public a favor and inform animal control you're on the loose. All this city needs now is a rabies outbreak."

She's frowning and poking at her palm where I bit her. I hope the bite gets infected, it would serve her right.

"Oh, ha ha ha. You're so funny I feel the overwhelming need to go throw myself off a bridge now."

She looks around her and then back at me, smirking.

"Well, I don't see anyone stopping you, so..."

She makes a little hand gesture as if signaling I should go ahead and I think I might just murder her. She must be the most annoying person on the planet and that's saying something. I mean I've met Madison and Glen and they're hard to beat.

Before I get the chance to say anything or just tackle her again, Ashley interrupts me.

"So if you two are done...whatever-ing, can we get back on topic?"

I have half a mind to tell Ashley to go jump, seeing as I'm not exactly over the being locked in a car thing yet, but she's looking so serious now. So sad and so serious.

"Um...yeah, sorry."

I give Carmen a dirty look, just to let her know that she'll pay for that one later, before I finally glance back at Ashley.

"What's there to talk about?"

I turn to face Spencer and I can't hide my surprise. I mean she was caught kissing a girl, Ashley treated her like a complete bitch and I...well I didn't do anything wrong, but we had at least _that_ to talk about.

"What do you mean what's there to talk about? We need to talk about earlier, about what I said. Then there's the whole...Carmen thing."

Ashley's looking at Spencer so intensely, like she's hoping that if she looks hard enough all Spencer's thoughts will just spill out of her head and be visible to her. I don't think that's going to work though, because of physics...or Biology...or...uh...one of those other sciences.

"The Carmen things got nothing to do with you, mainly because of what you said earlier tonight, so I really don't think we've got anything to discuss."

Oops, Spencer's a little more hurt than I thought. Plus she used her Paula voice right there, all cold and hard, and that means she's angry too. Great, is my work with these two never done? They'd been doing so well before this stupid party and now I have to start all over and fix this mess.

"Spencer, just stop. Just stop channeling your mother for five minutes and let Ashley speak."

Spencer's eyes almost bug out of her head when I say that and I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing. I mean she kinda reminded me of a blow fish just then, what with the way her eyes bulged and she rounded her cheeks as she puffed out an offended breath.

"My mother? What the heck do you mean I'm channeling my mother?!"

I give her a long hard stare before answering her.

"You're doing what she does. You're not even giving Ashley a chance to explain herself, you're just laying down the law. You're being as inflexible and harsh with her as your mother is with you."

She swallows hard and takes a deep breath and I feel marginally bad for comparing her to her mother, because she is the furthest thing from Paula Carlin you'll ever find, but it was necessary in this situation. I need her to give Ashley a chance to make it right, because I'm sure after my talk with Ashley that given the opportunity, she _will_ make it right. Hopefully even despite the Carmen thing. So a small, smidgen of manipulation is allowed.

"I...I didn't mean to be harsh and...inflexible, I guess I'm just still a little upset and overwhelmed about everything that happened, you know?"

She turns away from me and scoots a little closer to Ashley.

"Sorry."

She gives Ashley a small apologetic smile, the one that's accompanied by a slight head tilt. Ashley for her part just takes Spencer's hand in her own and entwines their fingers, giving Carmen a smug look that immediately sets off warning bells in my head. Why is Ashley smug about getting a smile from Spencer and being able to hold her hand? Did I miss something somewhere?

"Don't be sorry, Spence. You had every right to be mad at me, I was being a bitch and took it out on you. I really didn't mean what I said."

Spencer's smile widens and I can see a faint blush spreading on her cheeks, even in the darkness.

"Really?"

Ashley shakes her head adamantly and gives a goofy smile. I'm pretty sure Spencer's going to spontaneously combust as she takes in the smile. She's such a goner when it comes to Ashley.

"Yup, you're my friend, Spence and I care very much about you. That's why I wanted to talk about tonight and stuff."

Spencer nods her head in understanding and gives a shy smile, this time aiming it at everyone and not just Ashley.

"Okay. Uhm...I guess I should explain some things then. Explain what happened in the bathroom, if that's okay with you Carmen?"

I turn to take in the look on Carmen's face and let me tell you, she's not letting much show. She's all stony eyed and firm lipped, but she slips up as she darts a look at Spencer and Ashley's hands that are still clasped together. I can tell it's bothering her and that she knows what's coming. Strangely enough, I hope Spencer lets her down easy. See, I'm such a nice person I can even show compassion to barbarians like Carmen after they almost brake my ankle. I'm like, two good deeds away from sainthood, don't you think?

"Yeah sure, Sunshine, I don't mind."

She gives their clasped hands one more look and then stares past me towards the ocean. I can see her blue eyes clearly, because we fell to a heap rather close together on the sand, and they look sad. Great, she does have feelings for Spencer and now she's gonna get her poor, cold heart broken. God, I hope she doesn't like cry or anything. Would I be obligated to comfort her just because I'm sitting next to her then?

"So...I kissed Carmen...and I'm gay."

I look up and into Spencer's blue eyes and I'm so proud of her right now. Little Spencer Carlin is facing the big, bad world and finally staring it straight in the eyes bravely. She's not backing down, she's not trying to play down what happened in that bathroom. She's not hiding anymore. Oh God, I think_ I_ might cry.

"So you're gay 'cos you kissed Carmen? Lot's of girls kiss other girls without it meaning they're gay, Spence. Kissing a lesbian doesn't make you one."

I roll my eyes, because Ashley's just being difficult now. Spencer seems amused though, because she gives a little giggle.

"I know that, Ashley. I didn't mean she made me gay by kissing me, I mean I'm gay and that's what made me kiss her in the first place."

Ashley gives Carmen another look and gives a small frown.

"Hmm...just making sure I understand the situation. So how long have you known?"

I'm surprised Ashley's taking all this so well, I mean we do live in L.A and it is the year 2007, but it's not like we've really discussed this subject and our feelings on it before. I'm taking it as a positive sign that she's not freaking out.

"For a while now, but I didn't say anything, because I was scared that..."

She trails off and I know what she wanted to say. She was afraid people would push her away, ridicule her. She was afraid her friends, which would be me, and her parents would stop loving her or something.

"You've known since like Junior year, right? That's when I noticed it."

She looks at me so shocked that I almost laugh. I told you she thought I was a bit dumb or something.

"What, I'm your best friend and I know you better than you think. I wanted to say something before, but I thought it was best to let you tell me in your own time, when you were ready."

She looks down guiltily and sighs.

"I really wanted to tell you so many times, but I was just so scared. I'm happy that you're not freaked out or anything. I don't know what I would've done if you reacted badly to this. I mean, I know how my family's going to react, so it's nice to have you on my side."

Aw damn, I want to cry again.

"Especially now that I'm going to need you to cover for me when Carmen and I go out on our date."

What the fuck?! I thought...I mean she's still holding Ashley's hand...what does she mean date!

Carmen's head swivels towards Spencer and I can see the surprise in her eyes. See, even Carmen thought she was going to get booted!

"We're going on a date?"

Spencer gives her a confused smile and nods her head, still not letting go of Ashley's hand though.

"You did mention something about showing me some things if I'm not mistaken. You've taken care off the kissing part, so the date part is next, right?"

Carmen gives a smile of her own, but I can see the worry in her eyes as she takes in Ashley and Spencer still sitting close, still holding hands. It's probably not helping that Ashley is looking mighty pissed off at what Spencer just said. That kinda makes two of us.

"If you still want to, then yes, we'll go out."

Spencer smiles and nods her head and that's the end of that conversation.

We start talking about random things at that point, a movie we've all seen, a new Cd Spencer bought on Friday. Just average, normal things that friends would discuss. Except we're not all friends, right? I mean Ashley and Carmen don't once directly talk to one another, while Carmen and I get into a subtle shoving match right under Spencer's nose, but still somehow it turns out...fun. It's beyond weird though, the way we all seem to shove the fact that Spencer Carlin came out just an hour ago under the rug and happily go about our evening.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that we can all see that it's taken it's toll on Spencer. Yes, she's animated and smiling, but I think we all know that tonight was a huge deal for her and that she needs to just have some uncomplicated fun at this point. The freak outs and teen angst can wait for another day at this point.

So Carmen ignores the fact that Spencer still stares at Ashley without even realizing it, Ashley ignores Carmen in general to avoid I'm not really sure what and me? Well, I ignore the fact that I have a million questions I want to ask Spencer.

Like why is she going to go on a date with Carmen when I can see she has feelings for Ashley? Is she really okay with the fact that she's gay? Does she realize she's going on a date with her _competition_? Just a million different things I want to ask, but I won't do it tonight. Like I said, she's had enough drama tonight.

So we talk and laugh and eventually end up strolling back to the beach house literally hours later. Well, they stroll and I hop along, 'cause my ankle hurts like a bitch. At least I can derive some perverted pleasure from the fact that Carmen looks like she feels slightly guilty every time I suck in a breath when I put too much weight on my foot. I make sure to dig my nails hard into her shoulder every time it happens, which is mean, I know, because it's not like she really hurt my ankle. That was all me, but I'm not going to tell her that. What, I'm allowed to be a bitch too!

"So I guess the party didn't survive the cops arriving."

We all agree when we spot the darkened house and the lack of cars and people. I guess everyone left for good when the cops showed up.

Carmen let's go of my waist and pulls a face when I give a rather loud grunt of pain, fake this time, and dig my nails in one more time before letting go myself.

"So I guess it's time I headed home. Uhm...I'll talk to you Monday at school, Sunshine?"

Spencer smiles and steps closer to Carmen, kissing her on the cheek briefly. I would say the whole scene was kinda sweet, but I can see Ashley's face. More accurately I can see her biting her bottom lip hard and frowning. There's something strangely sad and accepting in her eyes though and it unsettles me. Somethings going on with Ashley, that's for sure, and it definitely involves Spencer.

"I'll see you Monday."

Carmen gives Ashley an awkward head nod and turns to leave. Hey, what about me? Don't I get a head nod, an insult, something?

When she's a good few feet away she turns back and gives me a smirk.

"See you around, _Tinkerbell_."

I give her the finger and she just laughs. Not classy, I know, but she deserved it.

"Yeah, see you around, don't get picked up for prostitution or anything on your way home now."

She just laughs again and gives me the finger right back. Bitch.

Things are quiet on the ride back home. Ashley's driving with the music on loudly, so Spencer and I just sit looking out of our respective windows without a word spoken. I'm exhausted by the time we get to my room and fall face first into my pillow, Ashley joining me a second later. I'm surprised she didn't head straight to her room like she usually does. Guess she's staying here tonight.

"Is it fine if I take a shower quickly?"

I just nod my head at Spencer and she grabs her over night bag. By the time I hear the shower running down the hall, Ashley sits up in bed.

"So Spencer and Carmen, huh?"

I flop onto my back and stare up at her, watching as her face grows pensive. Ashley doesn't do pensive often. Angry, bitchy, sad, depressed, occasionally indifferent and occasionally happy, that's things that Ashley does, but not pensive really. So I keep my voice soft and gentle when I speak, because I sense that this is Ashley opening up a bit and I don't want to scare her off.

"Yeah, Spencer and Carmen."

She shifts around a bit, nibbling on her bottom lip and then sighs.

"Tonight, when we were in the bathroom, I...I felt something."

She swallows hard and looks away from me.

"When Spencer was all pressed up against me...I felt something."

It's my turn to swallow hard, to chew on my bottom lip and sigh. I should be happy to hear that, but I can't help but realize how complicated everything just became.

"You like her?"

Ashley looks at me and I can't help but hitch a breath. If you could see her face right now, you'd do the same. She's looking so lost, so sad and defeated. Her face just an achingly beautiful portrait of pain.

"I think so, but it's no good."

She shakes her head when she sees I want to say something, so I stay quiet. I just listen for a change.

"I'm not sure what the hell's going on with me all of a sudden. This morning when I woke up I didn't really feel like this, you know? I mean sure I was excited about the party, about Spencer staying over and stuff, but I didn't...I didn't _feel_ like this."

I risk a question now, because she's been silent for a full minute or two. Just staring at the wall morosely.

"How do you feel?"

She gives me a sad smile and then actually chuckles.

"I feel like I want to punch Carmen Garcia in the face, I feel like I want to kiss Spencer Carlin 'till we both run out of breath. Mostly I feel scared, because Kyla? I can only screw this up. I can only ever mess Spencer up if I do anything about how I feel. And God, I'm just a little fucking surprised that I like girls. Or at least a girl. Singular, because I've never noticed another girl like I noticed Spencer tonight and I don't know what all of this means."

She flops back against the pillows and exhales loudly.

"Do you think I'm crazy for feeling like this?"

I smile and shake my head, because God knows, I wanted her to notice Spencer this way. I wanted her to feel this way about Spencer, so no, I don't think she's crazy at all.

"Nope, I don't think you're crazy. I just think you have impeccable taste in girls. Or girl. You should tell Spencer how you feel."

Now she's looking at me like I'm crazy.

"Don't you get it, Kyla? I can't do that. I'm so messed up right now, hell, I've always been a little messed up. I can't do this to her, use her and shit like I do with Chris. She deserves more than some fucking screwed up, emotionally stinted coward who'll probably end up dumping her when things get too serious, because you and I both know that's what I'll do."

God, she can be so frustrating sometimes! She doesn't have to be like that, be that coward that runs away when things get too deep, I know it.

"Ashley, it wont be like that..."

She cuts me off with a hand wave.

"I know it wont be like that, because I'm not going to go there with her. No drunken sex, no running away. No relationship other than the friendly kind. I think I can handle being her friend, I think I need her in my life in at least that capacity. Maybe her being with Carmen is a good thing, because she can give Spencer what I can't, assuming she'd ever even want something more from me to begin with."

Now here's my dilemma. Do I tell Ashley that Spencer does want something from her? That I'm a hundred percent sure that Spencer is in love with her? Do I betray my best friend or my step sister?

God, would it even matter to Ashley if she knew how Spencer felt? Worse even, would that knowledge send her running faster and farther then ever before?

I never get to make that choice, the 'to tell or not to tell' one, because a freshly showered Spencer comes into the room then.

Ashley and I both get up and take quick showers ourselves, washing off sand and sea air from our skin. I'm not really surprised when I get to my room only to find Spencer asleep on the bed. I'm not surprised either that Ashley beat me back and is currently snuggling up to Spencer, well on her way to La La Land herself.

So I settle against my pillow and switch off the bedside lamp, listening to the even breathing of the two girls lying next to me. The two girls that fit so perfectly together in their sleep, with Ashley's face pressed against Spencer's neck, just beneath her chin, both having wrapped their arms around each other tightly.

Now for the first time, I seriously consider that I could have made a mistake. That I should have maybe left well enough alone and not encouraged Ashley to get to know Spencer, because people are going to get hurt here. Honestly, people already did. Earlier Carmen hurt when she thought Spencer was going to put a stop to whatever started in that bathroom between them and she's going to hurt later when things don't work out between them, because Spencer won't ever really love her, I just know that. Ashley's hurting, because she's wants something that she's too scared to have and Spencer hurts, because she wants something she thinks she _can't_ have.

God, this is a big, Greek tragedy just waiting to happen and it's all my fault!

Oh bloody marvelous, they're both snoring now! Not the cute kind of snoring either, but the loud kind. The kind that's gonna keep me from having any sleep at all tonight. Just great, now I have more time to think of all the ways that this can go wrong in.

God, is this you punishing me? Teaching me one of those pesky lessons, like one should keep ones nose out of other people's business and not meddle, even if you only mean well?

Probably not, but it sure feels like it. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens and not interfere. Not much anyway. I mean I totally learned my lesson now. Really, I did.

So no more meddling, but I might just go sleep in Ashley's room, leave them alone to their snoring. That's not meddling, that's not me giving them time to wake up alone in each other's arms, nope, that's just me wanting to have a good nights sleep.

See, I've totally learned my lesson.

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**So I'm not so sure about this chapter. I don't know, I wanted to do this from Kyla's point of view to keep things light and funny, but it seems even more angsty now. Let me know if you liked it or not, because I honestly don't know what to think of this chapter. I think it kinda sucked really. Don't know when I'm gonna update again, because I think I need some time to see where this is all going in my head. Anyway, review please?**


	14. Oh wow, look, it's GLEN!

**Once again to those that took the time to review, thanks a lot:) It really does help when you give feedback. Just know that it's much appreciated by a mostly lost and confused author!**

**So it's not mine...uh...yeah, that's all I got:)**

**Onto the story.**

Senior Year

Chapter 14

Glen's point of view. (No throwing the author with bricks for doing this!)

When we were eight, Spencer kicked Mikey Stevenson in the shin for me. You see he called me string bean, 'cos I was super skinny and tall for my age, shoved me and made me cry, so Spencer stepped up and took care of business. She always had when we were little.

She was my best friend. I remember thinking that she was so brave and smart and that I was lucky that she was _my _sister. That we were kinda the same and would always be together, because we were even _born _together. That was at least what I thought for the first ten years of my life.

Then things changed. My dad came home one afternoon and brought this little scrawny kid with him, even scrawnier than I was at that point, named Clay. He simply said that Clay was our brother now and that he was going to live with us. Just like that, he never gave us any warning or anything, just dropped a new brother on us.

At first I thought it was cool, you know? I mean there was another boy in the house and he could play basketball and video games with me, because Spencer always beat me in video games and it's not right for a girl to beat a boy so I stopped playing against her. In the beginning he'd play a few games with me and I enjoyed it, even if he wasn't very good. Then when a few weeks passed and he settled in better, the games stopped.

He was such a serious kid and liked to read more then he liked sports. That didn't bother me really, but when Spencer started spending more time with him I was upset. Not because I was jealous or anything, but simply because I finally understood that Spencer and I _weren't _all that similar. Sure we looked the same, the same blue eyes, the same blond hair, but we _thought _differently. Spencer liked books like Clay did and when they talked, it wasn't about how Steven Roberts sat and picked his nose in class or something gross like that. No, with them it was what they learned in class today, what book they wanted to read, who was cuter; Pumba or Timon and why.

They were always over thinking stuff and serious and I wasn't. So Spencer talked more with Clay than she did me and I missed her. I missed my sister that kicked mean boys in the shins and told me I'd fill up soon and be able to kick their asses myself. She just kinda floated away from me.

I'm going to be honest enough here and say that later it was more my fault then hers. I mean she was still _my _best friend at that point, still made sure she sat next to me on the bus to school and ate lunch under the big tree on the playground together. Only difference was that most days Clay sat with us too and I resented that.

Then by the time we hit Junior High, things changed again. This time _I _changed. I was still the tallest kid in class, but my arms weren't as skinny anymore and my long legs out ran anyone in my grade. So I joined the basketball team and suddenly the same boys that used to push me down and make fun of me were telling me how cool I am. How no one can dunk a ball like I can. So I slipped into the role of Glen Carlin, basketball god.

I was the one that stopped saving her a seat on the bus, the one that went and sat down with the rest of the guys on the team during lunch and didn't bother even telling her. So she came over and gave me her confused smile, tilting her head and pulling the corners of her lips up faintly.

Before she could even why I wasn't sitting with her, one of the boys made a mean joke about her. See, Spencer was a fat kid. Yup, she was one of those kids that was all soft and squishy and made adults want to pinch her cheeks and coo at her. That was not the reaction from the kids our age though.

Nope, the boys began noticing which of the girls where hot and which were not. So even if I thought that Spencer's round cheeked smile was the cutest thing ever, no one else did. She got a lot of flack about her weight, but she never let it get to her. That was until that day I guess and I think that was more my fault than the jerk that actually made fun of her.

See, I let them go on and on that day, even laughed along with them when her cheeks turned red and her eyes started to water. She'd never cried before when one of the boys teased her, instead she gave as good as she got. She was brave like that, but not that day. She looked at me when I laughed with the others like I was some alien that just landed in front of her and strangled her bunny. Then she turned away and didn't bother sitting next to me on the bus again, never made sure to give me all her red M&M's or leaving me a sip of her Dr Pepper.

That day we stopped being best friends and I know it's my fault. I made a choice that day, because after I'd gotten a small taste of what it was like to be king, to be _that _popular, I didn't want to give it up. So I let Spencer walk away that day and I pretended not to care. I watched as she and Clay spent even more time together, how they seemed to grow even closer. _He_ became her favorite brother and I let it happen.

Now after telling you all of this, I guess you think I don't care about my sister anymore, that I don't look out for her like she used to look out for me. You'd be wrong though. I mean she's still my sister, still my family and I'll always look out for her and step in if it's really necessary and I'm starting to think that's the case now.

See, she's been hanging out with Carmen Garcia a lot and I don't like it, because I know all about Carmen Garcia. So on top of her being friends with the most annoying chick in school, Kyla, she's now buddy-buddy with King's resident dyke.

At first I thought they were getting together for school stuff, you know? Like a project or something for extra credit, because Spence was always doing shit like that for school. Then one day after basketball practice, Aiden and I walked over to the track field to pick up Spencer.

Yeah, after she lost the baby fat when she was fourteen, my mom tried to get her to stay fit and exercise. When we moved to L.A she spewed some bullshit about college applications and got Spencer to join the track team the minute we got enrolled here in school. Sad thing is, even after two years doing track, Spencer still sucks at it. I mean how difficult is it to run around in a circle? She always looks like she's about to throw up and die when I pick her up, all red faced and sweaty with the added touch of ragged breathing. She's like incapable of getting fit.

Anyway, we're walking towards the track field when we spot Kyla, Ashley and _Carmen _sitting on the benches nearest to the track shouting and cheering loudly at Spencer as she shuffles around the track, once again looking like she was five seconds away from passing out.

"Come on, Spence! You can dooooooo it!"

Kyla finished that off by shaking her ass like a crazy woman and throwing her hands up in the air. Aiden almost fell over his own feet and started drooling. Yeah, he so had the hots for Kyla.

The thing that made me almost fall over _my_ feet was the way Carmen was eyeing Spencer in her running shorts. She had this smile on her face while she stood there and clearly checked out Spencer's ass! I mean she wasn't even being careful about it, anyone who cared to look could see she was doing it. I mean I'm pretty sure Ashley noticed, because she gave Carmen a dirty look and then looked away frowning.

That day I realized things were going on that I didn't like and since then it's only been confirmed for me.

Like today, I get home and I'm not surprised to see Ashley's car in the drive way, because lately she's been as much of a fixture in our house as Kyla's always been. What I didn't like or expect was to walk into the kitchen and find Carmen Garcia throwing grapes at a pissed off looking Kyla's head, while Ashley and Spencer stands making sandwiches.

I mean she's just sitting on the kitchen table with her legs swinging down the side like she owns the Goddamn place, you know? Like she's comfortable in _my_ kitchen, with _my_ sister and her friends. Like she belongs there or something.

"Well what the hell do we have here, Spence?"

Everyone turns my way now, Spencer lifting her one eyebrow in question.

"It's called making a sandwich, Glen. You see, you start by putting some butter on bread and then ad..."

I roll my eyes at her as I head for the refrigerator.

"I know, Spence, I'm not a complete moron."

I can hear her mutter 'debatable' under her breath making Ashley chuckle, but I ignore her as I get out a bottle of water.

"I meant what's up with the little tea party you got going here? Didn't realize you knew enough people to have one of these. Then again, it looks like you had to invite a couple of bums off the street to fill up the quota."

I let my eyes wander over Carmen then, over her worn skater style long shorts and tight t-shirt that looks like she designed it herself, down to the scuffed toes of her black converse with hand painted sculls on.

The frown Spencer throws my way let's me know she understood my meaning. The fact that Carmen jumps off the table and strolls my way with a fake smile tells me she got it too. She steals the water bottle from my hand and takes a slow sip, her eyes trained on me the whole time. When she finishes, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and gives me a slow, hard smile.

"Hmm...you should watch out for bums, Glen. They eat pretty boys like you for breakfast everyday."

I give her my dirtiest smirk when she hands me the half bottle of water back, and I make sure to hold it with only the tips of my forefinger and thumb as I turn around and dump it in the trash bin.

"And you'd know all about eating, wouldn't you, Carmen?"

She gives me a wide smile and nods her head.

"A shit load more then you do, Pretty boy."

Kyla snickers in the corner and Carmen gives her a dirty look.

"What you laughing about, Cujo?"

Kyla just smirks at her and I frown. Cujo?

"Cujo?"

Carmen turns back to me and nods her head solemnly.

"Yup, 'cause she's a crazy bitch that bites."

A grape whizzes past my head towards Carmen, but she ducks quickly to avoid it. What she doesn't avoid is Spencer's reproaching look.

"Am I going to have to separate you two? Put you both in a corner facing the wall?"

Carmen and Kyla both gives soft sighs and I almost choke on my own tongue when Carmen walks over to Spencer and brushes a hand down her arm.

"Aw, come on now, we're only playing around, aren't we, Cu...uh, Kyla?"

Kyla gives a bright, fake smile and nods her head.

"Yeah, just messing around. You know me and Carmen are practically besties these days. Like two peas in a pod."

Carmen nods her head and gives a fake smile of her own.

"Uh huh, if two peas in a pod means me stuck with Psycho Barbie here in a small kitchen, then that's us exactly. And you gotta stop with the Gossip Girl crap, that show sucks."

Kyla's eyes bug out and Spencer and Ashley both cringe and step back away from Carmen. Like being in her vicinity is a really, really bad idea right now. And what the hell is Gossip Girl?

"Crap?! You think it's crap?!"

Kyla then wildly starts ranting about clothes and fashion and something about some Blair chick being a goddess. I ignore them and step over towards Ashley who I've completely ignored so far. Don't know how I managed to do that for so long, because let me tell you, Ashley Davies is the hottest thing King High has ever seen. Besides me that is.

"So, Ashley. Wanna dump these losers and go hang out in my room?"

I give her my patented Glen Carlin superstar smile, the one that makes Freshman girls weak in the knees and Senior girls horny as hell.

Spencer smacks down the butter knife in her hand and rolls her eyes as she steps right in front of Ashley, blocking my view.

"Glen, just get the hell out before I phone Chelsea and she castrates you."

Oh shit! She wouldn't really phone Chelsea, I mean I only flirted a little...and...I mean guys flirt, Chels knows that! She wouldn't really castrate...oh fuckity fuck, she _so_ would.

"Uh...right, getting tired of all the Estrogen in the room anyway, so I think I'll head upstairs for a nap."

I'm not pussy whipped or anything, so don't be thinking that. I'm just a gentleman that doesn't want to upset his lady love.

So I high tail it out of there and into my room, because honestly, all those girls were getting on my nerves. I mean I love girls as much as the next guy, but that many of them at a time can be...intimidating. Especially if one of them is Carmen. We've had run ins at school before, but mostly its her and Madison that get into it with each other. Madison would never say why, but I got a good idea of what happened to make Carmen Garcia her enemy numero unero .

Before Madison was head cheerleader, there was Michelle Jones. Madison basically worshiped the ground she walked on, she was feared and loved by everyone in school to be honest. Now what a lot of people don't know is that beginning of her Senior Year, our Junior Year, Michelle got drunk at a party. Like really, _really_ drunk. Drunk enough to slam Carmen Garcia into the nearest wall and try to suck her brain out of her head through her mouth. At least Madison said that's what it looked like.

Madison had kept the story quiet, covered for a mortified Michelle, but it was never the same between them again. Madison's idol had feet of clay and she blamed Carmen for it. So Carmen and Madison has it out on a weekly basis and I tend to enjoy the show. People like Carmen are fucking twisted if you ask me, I mean it's wrong what she is. Everyone knows that.

Now my sister's hanging out with her. See why I don't like that? I mean if my mom found out about this, there'd be hell to pay. I mean kids at school's gonna notice it and then the rumors will start and I can't have that, because Glen Carlin's sister ain't no lesbian. She might be a dork with no social life, but she sure as shit isn't a lesbian. No way, so this little out reach project she's got going will have to stop, I just don't know how yet.

I settle down and do some homework, because Mr Sandler threatened to give me detention if I came to class without doing it again. An hour later I'm finished and I can't help but be ticked off when I open my door and hear Carmen's laughter drifting up the stairs. I kinda hoped she'd be gone by now.

When I head out my bedroom door I spot Ashley in the hallway looking at the family pictures lining the wall. She's got this soft smile on her face and I get one of my own when I stand behind her, spotting the picture she's looking at.

"That's the first time Spence and I were allowed to go trick-or-treating on our own."

Ashley jumps a little, obviously not having heard me come out of my room.

She gives me a quick look over her shoulder and turns back to the picture.

"Yeah? How old were you guys?"

I think about it and realize it's the year before Clay came, so we were only like nine.

"We were about nine, I think."

She nods her head a little, eyes never leaving the picture.

"She looks cute in a bunny suit."

I smile as I remember that night. Spencer had a thing for bunnies growing up and with the chubby cheeks she always had the perfect face for the costume.

"Yeah, she was a bunny every year. Never wore a different costume once. She was weird like that."

Ashley just nods her head again and it's quiet for a while. Normally I'd try to hit on her or something, but the picture of Chelsea and a blunt butcher's knife is firmly in my minds eye thanks to Spencer. So we stand there and look at a picture of me and Spencer, a pirate with his arm slung around a big pink bunny.

"You wanna see some more pictures? Of when we were little?"

I don't know why I'm asking her, but she looks so freaking captivated by the picture I don't know what else to say. Besides, there's no other pictures up of us as kids, because my mom doesn't like displaying the ones with fat Spencer in them.

She nods her head and I lead her into my room, smiling at the fact that I did finally get her in here, even if it is only to show her pictures of me and Spencer as kids. I pull out a photo album from somewhere in my shoe cupboard and hand it to her. I sit next to her on my bed and start pointing pictures out. Spencer and me on our first day of school, our first time on bikes with training wheels that still led to Spencer heading to hospital with a cracked wrist.

"She was cute...and really chubby."

Finally it dawns on me that it's kinda weird, sitting in my room with Ashley Davies talking about how cute my sister was. Still, at least I'm talking to a really hot girl, right? I'm about to casually sling my arm around her shoulder, then BAM! _Blunt. Butcher. Knife._ I really hate that image. So does my dick apparently, because it retreats and let's normal brain function resume.

"Yeah, but I wouldn't say anything about that to her. She's kinda sensitive about it."

It's true, she goes all angry when anyone makes a mention of her weight back then. I heard her and Clay talking about it once and she said it wasn't the fact that she's reminded of being fat that she hates, but the reminder of the year she spent candy free. Yup, mom kept all sweets away from her, she wasn't even allowed to have chocolate cake on our birthday that year.

She pages through another few photos and I reckon this is a good chance to do some snooping.

"So...what's up with Carmen hanging out with you guys these days?"

Her hand stops mid page-turn and she looks up at me frowning.

"Just let that go, Glen. Don't bother Spencer about that."

She gives me a look worthy of Chelsea when I do something stupid, like look at another girl in front of her.

"Bother Spencer about what?"

Both our heads snap towards my door where Spencer's standing with folded arms.

"And what's that?"

Her voice kinda squeaks out as she points to the photo album still on Ashley's lap and I almost gulp. 'Cause shit man, she's gonna be so pissed that I showed those pictures to Ashley, I just know it. Avoidance is key in this situation.

"I've got a better question for you, Spence. Why the hell is the school's freak of a lesbian in our kitchen? Jesus, if mom was home you'd be so dead letting trash like that in the house. What are you thinking these days, Spence? Huh?"

Ashley gets up quickly and goes to Spencer, but she just puts a hand up and stares at me. There's something in her eyes that I've only ever seen once before, something that's somewhere between angry and sad, like that day I laughed at her in Junior High.

"I'm thinking right now I don't care about you enough to let you know. Stay away from Carmen and while you're at it, stay away from me too."

She turns and leaves without another look at me and I sigh, because now I know somethings up. Spencer's being defensive and she's hiding something and it involves Carmen. And we all know it can only be one thing then, don't we?

When I look up, Ashley's still standing at my door and looking at me like I'm a pile of shit she just stepped in.

"You're a fucking dumbass, Glen."

Then she turns and walks away without another word. God, sometimes I wish I was eight years old again and Spencer was my best friend, kicking boys in the shin and giving me all her red M&M's.

Because being seventeen and having to watch her with girls like Carmen and hear her tell me she doesn't care and having to wonder what the fuck was going on, because she doesn't talk to me like she talks to Clay, never really did if I think about it, really just sucks.

---------------------------------

**Okay, so this was mostly a chapter to set up things for the future, so if it wasn't very good, sorry. So Glen's a dickhead, right? Anyway, not sure who's point of view should come next. I'd be happy to give you either Spencer or Ashley's, so let me know who you'd prefer. Also, if I'm doing something wrong, point it out. If I'm doing something right point that out too, helps me know what works and what doesn't. **


	15. Ashley and the need to figure things out

**So to those that reviewed once again I luuuuuurve you all:) I hope you like this one, 'cos I move things along a little.**

**So it's not mine ( SON) and we all deal with that in our own way. Me by crying and screaming and throwing my toys out of the cot, you by...well...you don't care do you? I mean you're sitting there wishing it was yours too. I feel your pain.**

Senior Year

Chapter 15

Ashley's point of view. 

So these last three weeks have been...difficult for me. Difficult in the the sense that I'm fighting a battle with myself each and everyday. Everyday I win a little and every day I lose a little.

The times I win? Those are the times I manage to restrain myself from hitting Carmen Garcia in the face with a baseball bat every time she leans over and kisses Spencer's cheek or even just holds her hand. It's the days in the locker room that I avert my eyes before Spencer takes of her shirt and only look up when she's fully dressed and heading for the door.

The days I lose? Those are the same days I manage to restrain myself from hitting Carmen Garcia in the face with a baseball bat, because every kiss they share, every time they touch? I feel something brake inside me and it hearts so unbearably much. The days that I don't avert my eyes, the days I watch as she strips of her shirt and then her skirt, those days I lose in the worst way, because I get at least a little taste of Spencer in those moments. Of a girl with beautiful, round breasts and a soft, smooth stomach. Of thighs that look strong and surprisingly toned for someone who collapses in a heap after running a mile or two. I see all the skin I long to touch, the skin I dream about now every single night.

I remember the first night it happened, the first dream. How her breath panted in my ear as I sucked and licked at the skin of her neck, how she begged me to touch her everywhere, how she told me she'd never leave me. How she whispered she loved me too when I lay a hand over her breast above her heart. Of course I woke up at that point, probably shocked right out of the most erotic dream of my life, even if we barely reached any of the _really_ good bits.

See, I wasn't expecting that 'love you _too_' bit, because that would imply that I...I...See? I can't even think it so it can't be true. I can't be _in love _with her. I just can't.

But I am. It's as simple as that. Even if I shouldn't, even if I don't want too, even if she will never feel the same way, I love her and it scares me to death. It scares me how quickly it happened and how truly unprepared I am for it.

I mean I've had absolutely _NO_ warning _WHATSOEVER_ that I might like girls. Not even a girl crush on Angelina Jolie or a drunken kiss with a girl during spin the bottle or something. Then Spencer goes and falls on top of me and knocks the gay right into me.

I mean as far as I can tell it's just Spencer that makes me get my gay on, you know? Does that mean I'm only bi? Or I'm really just a lesbian and never noticed before? Or I'm straight and Spencer is just giving of a really manly vibe that I picked up on? Yeah, okay, I'm reaching for straws with that one, but you see where I'm coming from? I don't really get how this all works.

Yesterday at lunch I was conducting a little experiment when Kyla interrupted me. She sank down next to me on the table and started one of her aimless rants, something about Carmen and Barbie's that looked like they were dressed by the Salvation Army. I just ignored her as usual when she finally interrupted me.

"Ash...Ash, are you listening to me?"

I shook my head no and continued on with my little experiment. Kyla finally followed my line of site and frowned at me when she spoke.

"What are you doing?"

I shrugged, because I'm all cool and nonchalant like that. I am Ashley Davies after all, even if I'm currently just a little confused about liking the boobies all of a sudden.

"Nothing. Just checking out Madison's ass."

Cue Kyla squeezing her juice box so hard in horrified surprise that most of it shot up through the little hole on top and rained down on her white pants. It was so classic, it looked like she peed herself for the rest of the day.

Anyway, in the bathroom where she frantically tried to wash her pants out, unsuccessfully I might remind you, she finally asked me what the hell I was doing checking Madison out.

"Well, half the guys in this school has slept with her and the other half wants to, so she's hot, right?"

Kyla had rolled her eyes at that point and pulled a face.

"Ugh...if your definition of hot is a slut that will open her thighs to a donkey if he happens to be rich, then sure, Madison's on fire. Well, if I over heard her little conversation with Christie last weak, than her crotch at least is on fire. I think Morris gave her crabs. Bitch deserved them. "

That was not a visual image I had wanted, but I got it. Sometimes hanging out with Kyla had it's disadvantages. Like then, what with crabs and donkeys and all that shit. That's just fucked up, man.

"So okay, maybe I could have picked someone better, but..."

At this point she stopped worrying about the pants and slung an arm around my shoulders.

"Come on, spill your soul to Kyla. Kyla is wise and knows everything."

Kyla is also a moron that referred to herself in the third person, but I needed the advise.

"I just wanted to see if she made me feel anything. Like, if she got me all hot and bothered like Spencer does. That's stupid though, isn't it?"

Kyla had just patted my shoulder and gave me a smile.

"No, I mean yes, you could have picked a better subject, but I get why you did it."

Then she had turned and headed for the door and I was like, what the hell? That's all?

"Hey, that was your pearls of wisdom for me? You get why I did it?"

"Uh...yeah, what did you expect? Was I supposed to give you the cure for world hunger?"

Yeah, that had been the end of that conversation. Now a day later I at least know that Spencer is the only one that does it for me. That other girls don't turn me on from just watching them fiddle with their fingers or bite their bottom lip. That Chris got his walking papers, because when he kissed me all I could hear was dream Spencer in my ear telling me to touch her everywhere.

I also now know that Spencer may have wonderful rhythm when she dances, but that she can't sing for crap.

"_I'm not ready to make niiiiiiice...I'm not ready to back dooooown! I'm still mad as heeeeeell and I don't have time to go round and round and round..."_

I watch as she pummels her fist on her thigh in time with the beat and squishes her face up, taking a deep breath as she prepares to belt out the rest of the song into her can of deodorant.

"_It's too late to make it..._Oh sweet Jesus, Ashley!"

She actually grabs her chest and sucks in a deep breath, her face all horrified like a parent walking in on their kid having sex. Yeah, that looks exactly like my mom's face that day she caught Kyla and Clay going at it. Ah, the memories of that day.

"How long have you been there?"

Her voice comes out all panicky and she blushes deeply as she takes me in, leaning against her doorway like I have for the last minute or so.

"Long enough for the Dixie Chicks to be _completely_ ruined for me."

She scrunches up her face and kinda falls backwards on her bed, groaning all the way.

"Ugh...shoot me please."

God she's so cute.

"Nah, Kyla would be soooo pissed off if I do that."

I flop down onto her bed and snuggle up close to her. Yup, we snuggle. Ever since the morning after the now infamous beach party, we tend to get into each other's personal space a bit. I mean it's not like we can be all shy about it or anything. Not after waking up alone in Kyla's bed basically glued together.

It was awkward for all of five seconds when our eyes cracked open in sync. Probably woken by the noise Kyla was making in the kitchen downstairs. Then she just smiled at me, like this happy, still slightly dazed smile.

"You snuggle."

I gave her my own small smile.

"I do, but don't spread it around. Mad snuggling skills like mine are hard to come by and reserved for only a select few."

She'd absentmindedly started drawing little circles in the small of my back where her hand rested warmly on my bare skin. Totally distracting me from the fact that breathing is essential for living, that if you forget to blink your eyes go dry and scratchy, that if you don't remember to swallow every now and then you _will_ end up almost drooling on the pillow.

"And I'm one of the select few...Ash?."

I immediately realized why she hesitated before calling me Ash, recalling the dumb ass things I'd said to her the night before, about not caring. How the last time she dared to call me Ash I gave her the cold shoulder. Yeah, those days are long gone, baby.

"You are...Spence."

Yeah, that morning I caved and dropped the 'kid' thing. I mean it kinda grossed me out all of a sudden, you know? Like, I can't still see her as this little kid when I'm lying there and noticing that her breasts are pressed against my own and that if I moved my hand just a little way down I could cup a firm ass cheek in my hand. Yeah, I ain't no pedophile. So Spence it was from that morning onwards.

And now here I am, lying on her bed with my head buried in her neck and my arm slung across her stomach, once again fighting with myself. Wondering if it would really be such a bad thing if I just planted a kiss to the soft skin there. Wondering if she'd end up whispering she loved me too like in my dream.

"So Glen was such an ass hole to Carmen yesterday."

Carmen, right. The girlfriend. The one that gets to kiss her and hold her hand and doesn't have to dream about her whispering things in her ear. God, why did I think it was a good idea for Spencer to date Carmen? Oh yeah, 'cos I'm no good for her. I could never be. Not me, not broken Ashley. Not the girl that doesn't know how to love without losing in the end.

"And he shouldn't have showed you those pictures..."

Ah, the pictures of Spencer when she was chubby. I wonder if I could steal one from Glen's stash without anyone noticing?

"You were cute."

She sighs.

"I was fat."

I sigh.

"You were chubby, there's a difference."

She turns on her side facing me then, forcing me to rest my head on my hand as I watch her.

"My mother didn't see the difference."

I shake my head as I look at her face, her kinda sad eyes.

"Your mothers' not very smart then."

She giggles and pokes me in the ribs.

"My mother's a doctor, Ash."

Oh, yeah, I kinda forgot about that. I don't tend to remember insignificant details like that when she's this near to me.

"Not a very good one then. Tell me, though..."

Now I've been wondering about something ever since I saw those pictures of her as a kid, but I don't know how she'll react to this question.

"Tell me, if you were a chubby kid and all, after loosing all that weight aren't you scared you're going to pick it all back up. I mean I've seen you eat Spence, you give Aiden a run for his money."

I'm prepared for some girlie brake down, you know some insecure rant about me thinking she's fat or something. Which isn't true, she's beautiful as she is and I wouldn't care if she picked up weight, as long as she kept smiling at me and making me forget about things like people that leave and babies that die. So I'm surprised when she bursts out laughing.

"Yeah, the great irony in all of this is that I can eat mostly whatever I want these days and I don't pick up a thing. It drives my mother mad when I flatten two burgers in front of her or finish a pint of choc chip ice cream and never gain a pound. I don't know if it's hormones or my metabolism, but I'm enjoying the ride while it lasts. Hey and would it matter to you if I picked up weight? Would I not be cool enough to hang out with the great Ashley Davies anymore?"

I don't even bother giving her an answer to that, just smack her in the arm and roll onto my back.

"You know, Spence, you're pretty interesting."

She's looking at me with big, round blue eyes.

"I am?" Her voice sounds surprised, but she quickly clears her throat as she thinks better of that statement. "I mean, yeah, I am. Totally."

Then she gives me the smile that curls my toes up and makes me wanna jump her, makes me wanna hug her against me forever. God, she's turned me into a sap! A love sick, drooling, sexually frustrated sap!

She leans over me suddenly and I wonder if I said that out loud! Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. I said it, didn't I?

"You look tired, Ash. Is everything okay with you?"

Oh thank God. Just...thank God!

"Uh...I've been having trouble sleeping. Dreams, you know?"

Ha, if she only did know about my dreams. That first time I might have woken up before it got to the good bits, but these days I wake up sweaty and hot and just really, really bothered. Like I mentioned before, I dumped Chris and although the dreams are_ goooooood_, they're not, how shall I put this? Not completely satisfying. So I'm having a hard time dealing with the physical part of everything, of being basically permanently turned on and having no outlet except for dreams.

"Dreams? Like are you having nightmares?"

Nightmares, I wish!

"No, don't worry about it. Just your everyday, run of the mill dreams that wake me up. Then I can't fall back to sleep again."

We're quiet then, just lying there staring at her roof.

"So how are things with Carmen? You guys going out again this weekend?"

I don't know why I ask stupid ass things like that. I mean, yeah, Ash, why don't we push the knife a little deeper into your chest and get her talking about the girlfriend. You're like, a genius or something. Someone should alert those Nobel people, 'cos you deserve an award for that.

"Uh...yeah, we're going to dinner and then maybe a movie."

Now is it my imagination, or did Spencer not sound exactly over joyed by that?

"You don't sound too excited about it."

She stills then, her whole body perfectly freezing. For a second there she's clearly not even breathing.

"Spence?"

Now she's got this look on her face, something between angry and hopeless and sad.

"I just...I gave it time, you know? I mean okay, three weeks isn't long, so maybe I should give it more time, but it just feels like...feels like I'm using her now."

Oh God please don't let her say she's just using Carmen for her body or something. I might just throw up on her nice bedspread then. Like big chunks of sadness and disgust might just burst out of me in the form of my lunch I had earlier. Oh eww, that was just kinda gross, wasn't it?

"How are you...using her? I mean you two aren't just...uh...screwing around are you?"

Oops, that was not the right thing to say! Now she's just looking pissed off. At me. And hello! Her pissed of look is kinda scary.

"You really think I'd sleep with someone just for the sake of sleeping with them? Just for the sex? I'm not stupid enough to do that."

Ouch. I kinda do that, don't I? See how screwed up I am? See why I'd be no good for her? What if she just turns out to be another fuck buddy for me after a few weeks, how would that make her feel? God, I'm going on and on here like she's even interested in me. Now let's fix this staring at me in a pissed off way thing, 'cos I don't like that look on her face and it's making my chest hurt. Ugh...I'm so whipped.

"Hey no, don't even listen to me, I'm an idiot! Really, I'm sorry. I mean I know you, Spence. You're like one of the few...uh...morally well guided people I know."

Morally well guided? I think that one self help book I've been hiding under my bed has finally sunk in a bit. Score! That was a well spent fifty dollars, because the angry eyes are gone. Still leaves the sad look though.

"So tell me why you feel you're using her."

I'm doing the whole gentle voice thing, letting my hand rub up and down over her exposed forearm, trying to ignore the fact that we both seem to be getting goosebumps from it. That's kinda weird, maybe there's a draft in the room.

"I just don't think I feel for her the way she feels for me. I thought I could like her, because she was sweet and a good kisser and I thought she'd make me forget..."

Forget? What the hell is she on about?

"What do you mean forget, Spence?"

Now she's looking into my eyes and I can see she wants to cry, I can see she wants to say something and I know she's maybe fighting a battle of her own as she suddenly pulls me over her. So there I am with her face pressed into my shoulder and her arms around my back while she cries. I can feel her whole body shake against my own and I kind of hate myself for still noticing how good she feels against me in a time like this.

"Spence? What's the matter?"

I pull back and look down on her and then I'm lost, because she looks so sad and I just want to make her better. I just want her to not cry, but she is. Even when I hold her tighter, even when I whisper to her that it's alright. She's still crying and it's driving me crazy.

And then she stops, because somehow I went from whispering in her ear to whispering against her lips. From whispering against her lips to simply kissing her.

Oh sweet Jesus, I'm kissing Spencer Carlin!

**So yeah, there's finally kissing:) Next chapter is from Spencer, so I'll explain how she gets to where she is right now. Well, review and let me know what you thought. Remember, reviews keep me motivated and gives me ideas for where to go.**


	16. Well hello there Spencer!

_**So, some of you were honest enough to point out that I might have rushed things a tad bit with the last chapter. Well, then you might not like this chapter much, 'cause this baby's on a roll! Jokes aside, I just got kinda tired of them not being together:) Though I do love that you guys care enough about my story to point out when you think I'm doing something wrong or something that might just screw it up in the end. Really, I love you all for the feedback and probably wouldn't still be doing this if it weren't for you guys. I so lurrrve you all right now.**_

_**SoN is not mine. **_

Senior Year

Chapter 16

Spencer's point of view.

I know what most of you are thinking. You're thinking things along the line of 'what the hell, Spencer?', 'I thought Ashley was the love of your life?!', you're thinking I made a mistake the night I kissed Carmen. Maybe you're right, maybe I'm a coward to grab hold onto the first girl that shows an interest in me, but you all seem to forget one thing. I'm seventeen. I have hormones, wild, raging, _seventeen year old_ hormones. So maybe that was a really rotten reason for kissing her, but God knows I was sick of wondering what a girl felt like. How her lips would feel, how it would be different than kissing a boy.

You see, I've dated boys, I've kissed them and held them and even let one grope me that one time, but it never made me feel anything. I'm a lesbian and whether Ashley crossed my path or not, that would always have been my truth in the end. She made me realize it a bit sooner, but the point would have been made eventually.

So a pretty good looking girl told me she was interested and I went for it. I went for it and found that kissing a girl was better than kissing a boy for me. That I liked how soft she was against me, how she took her time before sliding her tongue into my mouth, before resting her hand on my hip, her fingers digging into the covered flesh there. I found that if I closed my eyes and cleared my mind of Ashley and the sound of her voice, that I could actually enjoy the sensation. That as long as I ignored the quiet, ever present ache in my heart, I could and would enjoy kissing Carmen Garcia for as long as I had breath left in me. That maybe, just maybe, I deserved to be happy for a little while.

Of course, a little while turned out to be what? Five minutes? Maybe even less before Kyla and her battle cry shocked me back to reality. Then there was thoughts of 'Oh my God, she saw me kissing a girl!', thoughts of losing my best friend. Thoughts that kept me too occupied to notice that Carmen and Kyla were busy strangling each other. Just left me as a pathetic little heap on the bathroom floor scared out of my wits. Scared at what I had done and what it would mean.

Enter Ashley and things became a thousand times worse, because Kyla just couldn't keep her mouth shut about one little thing. One teeny weeny little thing like Carmen kissing me, or me kissing Carmen. Fine, she didn't out right say it, but she made it pretty clear.

"Let me go! You don't understand, Ash! Carmen was...she was..."

Oh Ashley understood just fine. So fine in fact that she turned purple in the face and went flying at Carmen and I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't jumped in front of her and tackled her to the floor, Carmen would be dead and buried by now.

So there we were, lying on the floor, me on top of Ashley. Me, Spencer Carlin, on top of Ashley Davies. Yeah, might have had a fantasy about that very scenario once or twice before. I can still remember how she felt, the hard press of her stomach against my own, her breasts so soft in contradiction. How her breath had erratically puffed against my face as she struggled against me.

Then when we shifted, when I tried to get her to listen, to brake her from her angry craze, it happened.

"Ashley, just calm down. Ashley!"

I pressed down even further, leaving no space, no room for her to see anything but my face. Only when her breath hitched and her eyes widened did I realize what had happened. Did I finally become aware of my thigh resting so snuggly against her. I was...it was..she just felt so warm. Like I suddenly became aware of how her heat felt against me, how I desperately wished the circumstances where different. How I wanted to lean down and kiss her and press harder into her and hear her moan. God, how I wanted to make her moan and I'm pretty sure I would have too if she hadn't thrown me off.

Yes, she shoved me so hard I freaking bounced like a beach ball. Trust me, thoughts of Ashley Davies moaning my name left me swiftly and I just watched her with big, surprised eyes. Big, scared eyes.

"Bitch, that _hurt_!"

Thank God for Kyla and her canine ways. After that we didn't have much time to stand around and gape at each other, because the police showed up. No way I wanted to stick around for that, so I was beyond relieved when Ashley simply took charge and led us all away.

We finally sat down and I had time to breathe, time to let everything that happened sink in. Ashley didn't care about me, she said so herself. Carmen on the other hand admitting to just that, caring greatly. Then I kissed her and Kyla tried to kill her. I had a pretty full night all in all.

The conversation that followed was even more tiring then what happened before, with me still being angry and all, but Kyla soon got me over that. Got me to a place where I was willing to just sit and listen. To a place where Ashley's simple 'sorry' was enough. Maybe then I should have known that it wouldn't work between me and Carmen. When Ashley hurt me so badly and then made me forgive her so easily with a few simple words.

At least I now know that I've got people on my side, people like Kyla and Ashley. People that care about me no matter what. Not like my mother. Not like the woman that makes love conditional to the grade I get, to the weight I hold, to how I reflect upon her in public. That isn't any kind of love at all if you ask me.

Then there's Carmen. I have her on my side and that should be enough. It should be enough for me that this smart, funny and cute girl likes me, but it isn't. It's not enough because she's not Ashley and it's Ashley I love.

It doesn't matter that for our first date she took me for ice-cream and a walk on the beach. That she held my hand and kissed my cheek and said we'd leave it at that. That she didn't want to make out and grope on our first official date.

"That's what the second date's for."

Said with a grin and a squeeze to my hand, with playful eyes.

If I'm honest with myself, I can admit that I could be happy with Carmen. That her sweetness with me and her smile made me happy. That if there existed a world that did not have Ashley in it, then I could find it in me to love Carmen very much.

Yet there was an Ashley Davies in my life. There was and I already loved her with everything in me.

So here I am today, alone in my room with so many things running through my head that it's driving me insane. I'm feeling guilty for one thing. Guilty, because tomorrow night I'm going to dinner with Carmen and I'm going to sit in a dark theater and hold her hand and I'll be thinking about someone else the whole time. I'll be sitting there comparing the feel of her hand against Ashley's. How Ashley's hand fits mine better, how it's just that little bit warmer than Carmen's. I'll be sitting there making her believe I feel something that I never will. That no matter how much I wish I did feel like that, no matter how much time I gave it, it would never be Carmen for me.

Now I'm feeling sad too, because I genuinely like her. I like having her around. Despite the arguing with Kyla, despite the fact that we're still both a little loathe to talk about the Valedictorian thing, I would like to have her in my life. I want her to be my friend, think that maybe she kinda needs me as a friend too. At school things are a little rough for Carmen. Before we started our...relationship, she pretty much stuck to herself. Had to I think to avoid Madison.

These days she sat with us and Ashley's presence at our table guaranteed that Madison didn't pick on her. I mean Ashley didn't tell Madison to back off or anything, but she seemed to think Carmen was off limits when Ashley was around. This is fine by me, because I'v never met a bigger bitch than Madison Duarte. I honestly despise her.

So I'm feeling guilty and sad. Guilty for leading Carmen on and sad that I might lose even her friendship at the end of the day.

God, it really does suck to grow up sometimes. Why can't things be simple like when you're little? When the tooth fairy existed and your parents were your heroes. When it didn't matter who you loved, or what your grades were or what your mother would do if she knew you had a _girlfriend_. Ugh...I think I need a chocolate. That or angry girl music. Like something loud that involves screamed out lyrics and loud guitars.

Okay, so turns out I don't really own anything like that. Mostly I could find an angry song or two, but nothing hard core. I really am as vanilla as Carmen joked I am. Sheesh.

So I'm playing Dixie Chicks as loud as I can, because at least the woman is ticked off in the song, right? That has to count for something. Yup, I'm so bad ass right now.

It's just getting to the good part too when I turn and see Ashley freakin' Davies leaning against my door. Hello humiliation, it's nice to meet you. I'm Spencer, also known as the girl that wishes she could stick her head in a plastic bag right now and just suffocate. Yes, I sing _that _off key.

"Oh sweet Jesus, Ashley!"

I gulp and press a hand to my chest, kinda hoping it will keep my heart from flopping out of my chest. I don't think it's gonna work though.

"How long have you been there?"

Please tell me you're really just a figment of my imagination and not really here, so it doesn't matter how long you've been standing there.

"Long enough for the Dixie Chick to be_ completely_ ruined for me."

Right, now where does dad keep the plastic bags again? Ugh! I fall back and feel my cheeks flair with heat. Great, now I'm blushing like a moron too.

"Ugh...shoot me please."

No really, anyone have a gun? I'd rather have strolled naked down a hallway at school then have Ashley hear that. I really, _really_ don't have a singing voice.

"Nah, Kyla would be soooo pissed off if I do that."

Well, that's a valid point and a pissed off Kyla is a scary Kyla. Trust me on that one. I think I had more to add to that thought, but Ashley decides to lie down next to me. This is pretty much torture for me, these times when she's close to me. Holding me like it's the most natural thing in the world, her arm slung over my stomach and her face pressed against my neck. God, I hope she can't feel how fast my pulse is beating there.

Pull it together, Spencer! You've got a girlfriend and Ashley is straight. So pull your head out of your ass and talk to her like a normal human being would. Ignore the breast that's pushing against your arm. Just...ignore it.

"So Glen was such an ass hole to Carmen yesterday."

That's good, Spence, now remember to breathe in between sentences and you'll do just fine.

"And he shouldn't have shown you those pictures..."

Damn right he shouldn't have. There's a choice picture of him in my pink ballet tutu from when we were six that _will_ be shown to Chelsey in the near future. Vengeance is not beneath me. Serves him right for hitting on Ashley too. He was five seconds away from getting stabbed with my butter knife in the kitchen yesterday, first for being so mean to Carmen and then for looking at Ashley like she was a piece of meat.

Ugh, and I still sometimes wonder why I'm gay? Boys are pigs.

"You were cute."

I sigh when she says that, because I really wish she didn't ever see me like that.

"I was fat."

Now she's sighing, like a parent does when a child is being stubborn.

"You were chubby, there's a difference."

I pull away, needing some distance as I remember how my mother looked at me back then. How she sometimes bought a too small size on purpose, making me feel ashamed when I tried the clothes on and it wouldn't fit. Sometimes I hate my mother.

"My mother didn't see the difference."

She didn't, she only saw a fourteen year old girl that wasn't perfect like she wanted me to be.

"Your mother's not very smart then."

I _so_ love this girl.

"My mother's a doctor, Ash."

I smile for the first time in what seems like hours then, feeling almost smug as I tell Ashley how the fact that I don't pick up much weight anymore, despite how I eat, drives my mother up the wall. Yup, I'm being a rebel with every bite of chocolate, McDonald's and KFC I take.

"You know, Spence, you're pretty interesting."

Huh?

"I am?"

Ashley thinks I'm interesting? Well, okay. I mean, stop being an idiot, Spence!

"I mean, yeah, I am. Totally."

I smile, because I failed masterfully at making_ that_ believable. I'm back to seriously considering the plastic bag and smothering myself, when I really take notice of Ashley's face.

She always looks beautiful, really she does, but today I notice the dark circles around her eyes. The way her face looks just a bit drawn and tired today. My chest aches when she looks like that.

On instinct I lean over her, inspecting her face even closer, noticing the slight redness in her eyes.

"You look tired, Ash. Is everything okay with you?"

She looks up at me, her face but a few inches from my own, but I don't even care about that right now. I don't care that I could just dip down and within seconds know what her kiss tastes like.

"Uh...I've been having trouble sleeping. Dreams, you know?"

Aw, Ashley's having dreams about boogie monsters? I'll slay them all for her if she'd only ask.

"Dreams? Like are you having nightmares?"

She just shakes her head, her soft hair brushing against my arm as she does and I realize I'm still hovering over her, so I ease back down onto my back.

"No, don't worry about it. Just your everyday, run of the mill dreams that wake me up. Then I can't fall back to sleep again."

It happens to me too lately. Having dreams and then waking up, so many thoughts running through my head that I can't fall back asleep. Thoughts of Ashley, of Carmen. Of how weirdly screwed up everything in my life has become.

"So how are things with Carmen? You guys going out again this weekend?"

Great, thanks for reminding me of that. Reminding me of guilt and sadness and that feeling that won't leave the pit of my stomach. The voice that, despite Carmen's kindness, still whispers in my mind; _She'll never be Ashley. _

"Uh...yeah, we're going to dinner and then maybe a movie."

Ashley turns to me then, her tired eyes watching my face so closely.

"You don't sound too excited about it."

And her simple statement sums it up perfectly. I'm just not excited about it and I know I'll never be. I'll never be excited because I can't have Ashley and I want her. I want her so damn much and I'm tired of pretending it doesn't hurt. Tired of being the kind of person that uses someone else to try and forget. Tired of waiting and hoping to feel for her what I know I never will.

"Spence?"

It's just not fair. I just want _her_ and if I can't I wish I'd just stop feeling this way!

"I just...I gave it time, you know? I mean okay, three weeks isn't long, so maybe I should give it more time, but it just feels like...feels like I'm using her now."

It's true, I'm just using her. Using her to try and replace Ashley in my heart.

"How are you...using her? I mean you two aren't just...uh...screwing around are you?"

Oh great, yeah, that's all I was doing with her. Screwing around! Now I'm just angry, because I thought she knew me better than that. Like I would just be with someone for what I could get from them physically! She _knows _I'm a virgin, _knows _how much sharing that with another person would mean to me! Even if, you know, I never actually spoke to her about it. She just bloody well should know!

"You really think I'd sleep with someone just for the sake of sleeping with them? Just for the sex? I'm not stupid enough to do that."

I'm not, it should mean more, it will mean more than that when it happens for me.

"Hey no, don't even listen to me, I'm an idiot! Really, I'm sorry. I mean I know you, Spence. You're like one of the few...uh...morally well guided people I know."

She puts her hand on my arm then, letting it drift slowly up and down. Doing things to me that I doubt she'd ever realize. Things like make my muscles tense and quiver in my stomach, make the hair at the nape of my neck stand on end and let's goosebumps trail all the way up my arm.

"So tell me why you feel you're using her."

And her voice is so soft and so low. Running up my spine and making me have to bite down on my lip. She cares. I can see it in the way she watches my face. I can see it and it drives me crazy 'cos it's not how I want her to care for me.

"I just don't think I feel for her the way she feels for me. I thought I could like her, because she was sweet and a good kisser and I thought she'd make me forget..."

I thought so many things that night I kissed her and all of it was wrong. I'm going to hurt Carmen and I'm still as much in love with Ashley as ever. Everything I thought being with her would achieve was a lie and it's going to cost me. Me and Carmen both.

"What do you mean forget, Spence?"

I mean forget _**you**_. Forget you you beautiful, straight, sad eyed girl. Forget that it's you I dream about, that it's you that I think about, that it's you that I want.

I just want to forget you, but I can't and it's not helping that I've pulled you down on top of me. It's not helping that the smell of your hair is making me lightheaded, that your body on top of mine shocks every nerve ending to life.

That you burn me, Ashley. That you burn me with my want and my need. With my tears down my cheek and your voice still so soft when you speak.

"Spence? What's the matter?"

You're what's the matter.

So I cry harder and feel worse when hands hold me tighter, when words are whispered in my ear. When her lips brush my ear as she speaks and I quiver, because her _lips_ touched me.

Yet it stops. The tears flowing from my eyes and the ache deep in my chest. It all just stops.

Stops when her lips, her soft and moist lips, touch mine. Touch mine and linger. Not moving, not delving deeper into my mouth, just perfectly sealing us together.

I don't know who moves first, whose hand finds whose hair and gets lost in it. I just know we're both doing it. We're both holding each other in place, pressing the others face closer until the pressure of the kiss almost becomes painful.

Then that calm is broken by my desperation. By my need to taste her mouth and steal her breath. By love bottled up for a whole year and finally, _finally_ finding an escape.

I open my mouth and plunder hers. My tongue is insistent against her lips, pleading in it's limited experience to be let in and her surprised gasp grants it to me. Grants me entrance to a mouth that tastes of chocolate and peppermints and surrounds me with her wet warmth.

I shiver when the tip of her tongue meets mine for the first time, when it slides against my own with a gentleness I would not expect of this moment. I lose all sense of time and place when she nibbles at my bottom lip, both lightly sucks and kisses it in almost one motion afterwards.

A new Spencer is born in those moments, one that can only see and hear Ashley. That can only ever taste her mouth and never be hungry again. That will never be cold, because Ashley and her warm body is wrapped so fully around her.

Finally my chest is burning and heaving so hard in its quest for air that I have to leave her lips. Her mouth follows me, not wanting or ready to part, searching for mine again. Kissing my parted mouth that's sucking in large gulps of air, then my chin and finally the corner of my lips. She's just mindlessly laying kisses where ever she can.

I just lie there for a few seconds and watch her. Watch as her eyes roam over my face discovering new places to kiss. Feel as her hands tighten and relaxes against the bare skin of my ribs. Wondering just when her hands had found its resting place there beneath my shirt.

Her eyes finally focus back on my own and we both kind of freeze. Both kind of stare at each other as we come out of whatever daze had surrounded us.

She abruptly rolls off of me and stares at my bedroom ceiling. Leaving me lying there missing her warmth and suddenly scared to death.

What in Gods name did I just do?!

"Uh...do you feel any better now?"

I wonder if I'm having a panic attack as I follow her lead and stare at my ceiling. You know, my chest is constricted, I'm starting to sweat and I think I can see black spots dancing in front of me. Is that a panic attack? I'm having a panic attack, aren't I?! Oh god, I've never had one before. Can you die from having a panic attack?!

"Uhm...honestly? No, not feeling better. Worse actually. Much, much, _much_ worse, because I kissed you. Or you kissed me. Anyway, there was kissing and now you know. Know you're going to go run screaming out the door and I'll be stuck here having a panic attack all alone. Then I'll die, because well, I'll be alone so there won't be anyone to call the ambulance and stuff. And then I'll suffo..."

Thank God she's kissing me again. Not like before, 'cos well she's kinda laughing and kissing me at the same time, but at least she's not heading for the door.

"Just breathe, Spence. I'm right here. So just take a minute and breathe."

Huh, easy for you to say when _I'm_ the one that just caught a peek down your top. Such an inappropriate time for _that_ to have happened.

"Yeah, okay. I can try at least, right? Breathing supposed to come natural and all, so..."

So I breathe. Just in and out for a full minute with no words.

"I'm braking up with Carmen."

It was the first coherent thought to pop into my head and I think I should maybe have waited for the second one before blurting it out, because now it looks like _Ashley's_ about to have a panic attack.

"Nonononononono, don't let me screw this up for you! I shouldn't have...you know...jumped you like that. You have a girlfriend and you like her and me...doing the jumping and all...uh...well that shouldn't ruin things for you...like with her. So..."

Aw, I kinda wanna kiss her again. She's babbling and bitting her lip and doing that thing where you twist your fingers around each other. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen, if one could ever call Ashley Davies cute.

"Hey, no. Don't think it's because of you," Even if it is, but we'll keep that between us, "remember before the...jumping, what I said? I just don't feel that way about her, so if I brake up with her it's not because you somehow messed it up for me."

She seems relieved about that and we kinda sit there, staring at my computer chair, my shoes on the floor by my desk. Gives one time to think, quiet moments like that.

Think about the fact that HOLY FREAKING MOTHER!, Ashley kissed you _back_. Kissed you even after_ you_ stopped kissing _her_. Implying...

"Oh my God! You so totally like me too!"

Eh, maybe I shouldn't have screamed it out like that, right? Yeah, could have played this a lot cooler Carlin, way to go.

"I...Spencer, I just...I don't want to hurt you, okay? I'm no good at this caring thing, it never really works out good for me in the end. So you _could_ say I...like you, but that doesn't mean we should..."

I don't give her a chance to finish that sentence as I launch myself at her again, because really, just screw it all! Screw being scared and screw being shy, Ashley Davies just said the most beautiful words in the English language to me. 'I...like you.'

So tomorrow I'll worry about Carmen and my mother and school and Glen being a pig, because today, right now, I've got Ashley Davies kissing me back like she really can't help herself. And that's just fine by me.

-----------------------------

_**Okay, I have to admit that I started this chapter and realized that by waiting so long before doing a Spencer chapter, I kinda wrote myself into a corner. Oops? So yes, a lot of it is repeating what happened in other chapters, something I myself usually hate in stories, but it had to be done. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it and feedback is love people. I always like hearing what you thought and what you want for the next chapter. A little more Kyla/Carmen next? More Ashley/Spencer? Both? More GLEN and AIDEN?! You tell me:)**_


	17. Hide and seek starring Ashley!

_**Once again to the reviewers, I loooooove you! To the people reviewing for the first time, welcome aboard! For my long standing reviewers, I love that you haven't gotten bored with this story yet. You're all pretty damn great. **_

_**So I really don't own SoN. I own this story and a rusted car and an obese dog. That's about it. **_

Senior Year

Chapter 17

Ashley's point of view.

Okay, you know how some days you wake up and just know that it's gonna be a long day? That no matter what you do the day's gonna kick your ass and leave you as a quivering mass under your bedspread, waiting for it to pass?

Today feels like that. Which is why I'm sitting in my car in front of school like a sissy bitch wondering how I can avoid Spencer for the rest of the day. Carmen too and Kyla while I'm at it. Maybe I should just drive home or go to the beach or something.

Anywhere that I don't have to worry about running into Spencer and her blue, blue eyes. Or Carmen who probably will want to kill me after Spencer dumps her. Or Kyla who's just fucking nosy and will want a detailed report on why I'm avoiding everyone. Which will lead to me telling her all about yesterday.

Yesterday was...it was...God, I don't even know how to describe it. I kissed Spencer. I kissed Spencer Carlin and it was basically the best thing ever. Blew my mind. Made me hotter and wetter than I've ever been in my whole entire life and it was just _kissing_. I mean no one even copped a feel or anything. It still felt better than Chris or Aiden or any of the other guys I've been with made me feel. And I've had my fair share of sex people, so that's saying something!

Doesn't change the fact that it scared the crap out of me. That the talk we had after the little make out session didn't do anything to settle my nerves.

I mean I was a little riled up, you know? So she kinda took advantage if you ask me. Asking me if I wanted to come over tonight after she kisses me completely stupid first. That's cheating or something. I must say I'm a little disappointed that Spencer would stoop that low tactic wise. Really mean of her, which validates me wanting to run the hell away and hide. Really, it does!

Except I know I wont. I'm gonna end up at her place tonight whether I want to or not, because I think I might be addicted to kissing her already. Everything just goes quiet when she kisses me. Not like in the movies where the whole world goes slow motion and the other people fade away, but quiet inside. No scared little voice in my head telling me I'm screwed up, no little voice telling me I'm going to get hurt. Just pleasantly quiet.

I like that quiet, but I'm still going to try and ignore it's pull for as long as possible. Tonight's not going to be about kissing anyway. I think we're going to have one of those girlie talks where we discuss our _feelings_ and shit. See Glen came home and almost caught me on top of his sister, so we pretty much cooled it down and Spencer suggested I come over tonight. I agreed just so I could basically high tail it out of their finally. Okay and I was still a little fuzzy after the kissing. She could have asked me to shave my head and tattoo my ass with a smiley face and I would've agreed at that point. See? Totally took advantage of me there.

Now I'm stuck in my car on a Friday morning like a whimp, delaying the inevitable for as long as possible. The inevitable being me dragging Spencer into the nearest bathroom and kissing her again, because God knows I want to so badly. I want to...Oh fuck, there she is!

And Jesus that hurt! Of course I had to hit my head on the bloody gear shift nob thingy as I'm ducking down. Now I'm gonna have a concussion too. Fucking concussion on top of being insanely horny for Spencer and...oooh, there's a Hershey Bar under my passenger seat! Ha, score! I _soooo_ need chocolate right now.

First let's take a peak to see if the coast is clear.

Well hello sexy belly button! No wait, go away, I'm hiding here. Shoo, carry on. Go!

Eh, not working. Wait a minute, why the hell is she wearing tops that let's _everyone_ see her cute belly button?

"Ash, what are you doing on your car floor?"

I sigh as I lean over and let the window down so I can hear Spencer better.

"Uhm...picking up the chocolate bar I brought you?"

Please God let her at least share it with me?

"Aw, you're so sweet Ash!"

She smiles and I can't help stupidly smiling back, 'cos well...it's Spencer's smile. It makes me happy. If you could see it, you'd smile too.

"Yeah well..."

And here starts the mutual staring and blushing. It's like I'm twelve again and having my first crush or something. I really, really have to work on this avoiding her thing. But first...

"So that top..."

Now how do I say this without seeming like a raging, jealous lunatic?

"Yeah?"

Oh man, she's doing that cute frown-y thing she does, looking all confused and adorable.

"Uh...it brings out your eyes nicely, but isn't it a little cool out for it?"

What? I saw a cloud in the sky this morning! It can get a little chilly in L.A. Sometimes. Like, you know, once a year or something.

"I have a hoodie in the trunk?"

Which she _will_ be wearing, zipped up to the chin if I can help it.

"Yeah, it's really not that cool out, but it's nice to know you care. So are you coming out the car now or what?"

Only to pull down that stupid, hot top you're wearing. And then run the hell away as soon as I can. That's the plan and I'm sticking to it!

I get out and walk over to her, fully intending to yank the top down as casually as possible and make my escape, but God. You should see her eyes up close this morning. All bright, light blue and happy. Makes me wanna kiss her right here and right now, school be damned!

"I so wanna kiss you right now."

I'm pretty sure her eyes just turned navy, all dark and deep and turning my knees weak. Yeah, good luck running away with jellly for knees, Davies. That's gonna work out real well for you.

"I so want you to kiss me right now too."

And her _voice_! All throaty and purring, liquifying my spine. When the hell did Spencer Carlin learn to do sexy?!

Screw the hope of half a Hersey's bar, I'm outta here!

"So I...uh...I gotta go. To the place, you know? Uhm...school. And you've got that thing to take care of...with Carmen."

She actually takes a step back from me then, making me at least breath a little bit easier. Enabling rational thought to once again commence. Making me notice how her eyes go sad with the mention of Carmen's name. Please don't let this be the part were she backs out, because one of us having cold feet is bad enough. I can't have her doubting this too, that's my role in all of this.

"Yeah, Carmen. I guess the sooner I do that, the sooner I can kiss you without feeling like a cheating douche bag."

She's frowning now, all sad faced and worried. Makes me feel a bit guilty too for kissing her while she had a girlfriend. Spencer's not that kind of girl and I know it doesn't sit well with her. Great, know I feel guilty on top of jealous and scared shitless. This sucks. This is why I don't get involved, because involved means all these _feelings_. Feelings that leave you confused and crazy and in the end hurt. I so need to get away right now!

"So you go do that and I'll see you around, okay?"

I don't wait for her answer, just finally give in to the urge to tuck her top down and walk away. I even get a whole five steps away before peeking over my shoulder and blowing her a kiss.

I know, I'm so screwed up.

So as expected, my day is long and dragging on. The whole avoiding Spencer thing isn't going too well either, because we have so many classes together. She hasn't spoken to Carmen yet either, because Carmen's still smiling at her and walking her to class, me just lagging behind them. Fuming, 'cos I hate the thought of Carmen still thinking Spence is hers when she's all mine. Even if I'm not sure what the hell I'm supposed to do about _that_ yet.

Still, when Spencer eyes me after the bell rings for Biology I make sure to get the hell away. I need to think about things before the talk tonight and I can't do that with Spencer turning me stupid by breathing in my vicinity!

So when I spot her in the hallway behind me I turn a corner and blindly stumble into the nearest room, only too find that _of course _I had to go and land up in the boys bathrooms. And _of course_ there had to be at least two seniors and a freshman in there, now standing gaping at me from the urinals. It's kinda funny how they all seem to pause mid pee, making me wonder how long they can hold it in like that.

"Uh..so yeah, the senior girls are doing a little survey this year on ...uh...you know..._size_. See, we've decided it does matter, so..."

For added affect I whip out my cellphone, pretending to want to snap a photo or two off and watch in amusement as all three immediately zip up and leave. Without washing their hands. That's just gross man.

I give it another minute or two before I venture out of the bathroom, hoping Spencer's moved on by now. Only to run into Aiden's chest with a thud. Great, more head trauma.

"Ow, what the hell do you do to get your chest so hard? Is there metal breast plates under that shirt?"

So now I'm stupidly rubbing my forehead while Aiden stands there feeling himself up with a smile on his face.

"I _am_ pretty buff..and I can assure you it's all muscle baby!"

Then he tries to prove it by making his boobies jump up and down. It's always kinda freaked me out when guys do that. It's really just...fucking freaky!

"Would you stop doing that! And get out of the way, I've got places to go."

Like the nearest mirror to check if my pretty face was ruined by brute boy and my car's gear shift. Man, I should sue if there's even just a red spot on my forehead! I mean a face like this should be insured people!

"Uh, why were you in the guys bathroom?"

Oh, that.

"Got bored of the girls bathroom."

He just gives a small nod.

"Oh, okay. So, did you hear there's a sale on today? I mean they've got the Converse on sale and the Nike trainers and..."

Yeah, the boys got a shoe fetish, but you already knew that.

"Aiden, if you promise to stop talking about shoes right now, we can skip."

Aiden's always up for skipping and it being Friday and all I know he'll be up for it. I need to get out of here and away from Spencer for just a little while and Aiden's good if you want mindless conversation to keep you distracted.

"Oh cool, we can hit the arcade! I'm so gonna own you in DDR this time!"

And I turn out to be the gay one?

"Yeah, keep dreaming superstar. So after lunch we make a run for it, okay?"

I want to stick around and see if Spencer talks to Carmen before running off. Like I said, I don't like the idea of Carmen having any claim on Spencer. I might still need to figure things out for myself, but I know I'm not going to let Spencer go. I don't think I'm capable of it if I'm honest.

"Oh, okay. So we do lunch and head out. Got it. Meet you at the usual table?"

So I head to class and smile innocently at Spencer when she throws me a questioning glance, probably wondering why I avoided her in the hall and then ended up coming late for class. I feel kinda shit for doing it, but tonight I'll explain it to her. Maybe not the part were I almost took pictures of boys peeing, but all the rest.

When lunch rolls by I walk with Spencer. Carmen's nowhere to be seen and I wonder if that means I should start looking out for a homicidal Latina with a shank made from a ruler or something that wants to stab me.

"So, you talk to Carmen yet?"

Spencer sighs and shakes her head and I deflate just a little bit. Why is she stalling? Did she change her mind about us? Have I already lost her? Ow, God my chest is about to explode! Please don't let her choose Carmen all of a sudden. Please?!

I drag her into a bathroom, after checking it's a _girls_ bathroom, and make sure no one else is around. Happy that the stalls are all empty I push her into the one furthest from the door and kiss her. Hard and long I kiss her, loving how she clings to me and sighs into my mouth. Loving that she doesn't push my hands out from under her top when I run them up and down her back, playing over muscle and bone. Loving how her sighs turn into moans when I put pressure on the small of her back, making her arch into me. Pressing our hips together and setting off heat low down in my belly.

"You _are_ gonna talk to her, right?"

My words are mumbled into her mouth, because once I start kissing her it's damn hard to stop. Even for important questions like that. So I do both, talk and kiss.

"Mmmm...yeah."

I shiver when her hand firmly holds me at the nape of my neck, her fingers splayed against the skin there as her tongue finds its way into my mouth. For a minute or two we just kiss, just press into each other and get lost in wet heat and tongues and hands on hips. God she's an incredible kisser. Just...incredible. And she's so soft against me and the way she whimpers when I nibble on her bottom lip or kiss her neck and why the hell is she pulling away? Noooooo!

"Come back here."

I pull her against me again and kiss her sloppily, making her giggle against my mouth.

"God, you're going to be the end of me! Now stop before I...before I..."

She's giving me this look, this _hungry_ look and I'm not surprised when a growl escapes my throat and I'm inside her mouth again. My tongue branding every inch of her, claiming her in the only way I know how and for another few glorious seconds she lets me.

Then she basically shoves me away and I smile big when I see how flushed she is, how her chest is heaving up and down. _I_ did that to her. Me, not Carmen.

"Okay, whoa, you can't do that here! We can't...uh...I think I need a second too...uh..."

She shakes her head a little and takes a shaky breath. Yeah, I'm _that _good a kisser. Score one for the emotional retard. I might be a little dysfunctional, but I'm a total hottie!

"Okay, so we can't do that until I've talked to Carmen after lunch. We both have a free period then and I thought I'd do it then. Are you still coming over tonight?"

After this? Hell yeah I'm coming over!

"I guess I can do that. Didn't really have anything else planned, so I'll fit you in."

She rolls her eyes and steps closer, surprising me when she leans in and nibbles on my bottom lip.

"Don't do me any favors now."

Favors? Wha? Do the nibbling thing again!

"Uh yeah, no I mean no. Wait, no I don't have an idea what I mean now. You've distracted me! You play dirty, Carlin."

She nibbles again and I almost jump when she pulls away and slaps my ass!

"In your dreams, Davies. Now come on, I'm hungry."

That makes two of us, cutie.

Oh, she meant for food, seeing as she led me straight to our lunch table where Carmen, Kyla and Aiden are sitting waiting for us.

"Is leaves all you ever eat, Tink? I mean are you like a bunny or something with all that green shit on your plate? Or are you too poor too afford real food? 'Cos I could've sworn I saw you pull up in a Volvo this morning."

Carmen gets a piece of tomato against the forehead for that. Then she steals half of Carmen's sandwich and bites into it.

"I'm on a diet, something you might think of doing sometime, because that ass? It's starting to look a lot like Madison's." 

Carmen pulls a face like she might throw up and steals her sandwich back.

"Ugh, God, I'm trying to eat here. Don't go mentioning gross things like Madison's ass if you don't want me to vomit all over that nice dress of yours."

She takes a bite of her re-stolen sandwich and I can't help but think it's a little weird that they fight and then share a sandwich.

"And my ass if pretty fine, thank you very much. I don't mind having a little meat on me, skinny chicks have nothing to hold on to. Woman are supposed to have curves, it's sexy. There's nothing sexy about hip bones poking holes in you when you kiss a girl. Ask anyone that's ever kissed you before and I'm sure they'll tell you the same thing."

With that she passes the sandwich back to Kyla and finally notices Spencer and myself strolling closer.

"Oh, hey Sunshine. We were wondering where you disappeared to."

She scoots over so Spencer can sit down next to her and I frown as I drop down next to Aiden.

Aiden who's frowning and looking worried and fidgeting in his seat. Like there's fire ants in his pants or something.

I ignore him for now and grab a juice from my bag, thinking about Spencer and the bathroom and how I hope to God her parents go to bed early tonight, because after 'the talk' I want to do _that_ again.

Then my pleasant day dreams are not so pleasantly interrupted by Aiden leaning in and whispering in my ear.

"Ash, do you think I've got a decent sized dick?"

It really isn't Kyla's week with juice as I spit mine all over her. Like drenching her shirt and face, leaving her blinking dazedly at me as juice drips off her chin.

"Aiden, what the fuck, man?!" 

Carmen's falling off her seat laughing at Kyla as I stare in what must me absolute horror at Aiden. Where the hell did _that_ question come from?!

"I...it's just that I heard a couple of other guys talking about the survey the Senior girls are doing and you're the only one whose ever seen my dick. Well, not the _only_ one, because I've had _tons_ of girls, but like the only one that'll be honest and I just wanted to know, because people are talking about photo's being taken and I hear Madison and a lot of the cheerleaders are saying they won't date a guy without _proof_ and..."

Oh my God, what have I done?! And how the hell did it spread so fast?! And no fucking way am I answering that question in front of Spencer!

"Aiden, shut up!"

Everyone at the table is looking at him like he's crazy, except for Kyla whose wiping her face with the hem of her shirt. I'm so getting it from her later for the juice thing.

"Oh come on, Ash, since when are you shy about these things? This is important, I might never score again if I don't come up with a good reference and you've slept with tons of guys so coming from you it would be impressive. Please?"

Oh fucking great, now Spencer's looking at me with that sad look she used to give me back when I was blind and stupid and didn't know who she was.

"Hey, I haven't slept with that many people, okay? And you've got an average one at best, so stop bugging me!"

That's what he gets for making Spencer sad and making me look bad. Plus it's totally his fault that I covered Kyla in juice.

"Average?! I'm average?!"

Just then half the cheering squad walks past and starts snickering, obviously having heard Aiden and knowing what he was referring too.

"In maths! I'm average in maths!"

He looks like he's about to cry and I can't help laughing. I know I should feel bad, seeing as he is one of my best friends, but that was just too good. Yeah, I know. I'm such a bitch.

"Oh come on, suck it up. You've slept with at least half those girls and I'm sure one or two of them will give you a good _reference_. So are we hitting the arcade now or what?"

We leave, Aiden grumbling under his breath the whole way and me sneaking a smile at Spencer. Who smiles back and almost makes me fall over some stupid Freshman that appeared out of nowhere! Really, I so hate Freshman. Clumsy bastards!

So while Aiden dances his ass off on DDR, I stand and think things over. Think of being with Spencer despite how scared I am, of how much it would hurt if I somehow end up loosing her. Realizing that not being with her might kill me anyway at this point, because I think I need her. Think that without her I might just lose the little part of me that's not sad and depressed all the time over a dead father and a baby that was never even born. That Spencer makes all those things better when she smiles at me.

So I'm going to be brave, stupidly brave and tell her how I feel tonight. Tell her that I need her, that I want her. I feel something bursting in my chest, leaving me with a funny warm feeling. I think it might be hope and I think I want to share that with someone.

"Hey Aiden? I'm like, fucking in love with Spencer!" 

I know I've got a big ass smile on my face, one that just gets bigger when Aiden trips himself up after my little declaration and falls off the platform, right onto his face.

Poor guy, I'm totally killing him today. Maybe he woke up with that feeling that it was going to be a long day too. Guess he should have stayed quivering under the bedspread though, 'cos that nose looks broken. Guess we're off to the hospital then. Ah well, them's the breaks.

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**So there's the update. Hope you liked it. If you didn't, feel free to tell me what you didn't enjoy about it. Just don't be too brutal about it. Like I've been brutal with poor Aiden in this chapter! I just woke up in a very boy hating mood, so yeah. Anyway, I think next chapter will be from Carmen's point of view for the break up. Hope that's okay. Also if there's mistakes, that's because I was too lazy to proof read it and English isn't my first language, so sometimes I slip up a bit. Forgive me for that. So please be kind and leave a review, it's always much appreciated. **


	18. Carmen and a little bit of heart ache

_**Okay, so to everyone that reviewed the last chapter, lot's of love from me as usual. Once again it was nice to hear from first time reviewers as well as from now recognizable names that always leave a review. You guys are sweet:)**_

_**I would like to give a special thanks to **erasemyself,** who left a review in my own language! It was beyond cool to read that. BAIE DANKIE! (and I'll eventually get my ass over to facebook and add you, I just very seldom go on my stupid profile thingy!)**_

_**Me no own, so you no sue! Cool?**_

Senior Year

Chapter 18

Carmen's point of view.

The last few weeks of my life have been good. No, good is an understatement. It's been pretty damn great to be Carmen Garcia for the last few weeks. I don't think I can remember the last time I've felt so happy, like maybe for once the world is turning my way, you know?

Spencer has a lot to do with that. I'm not saying she's turned into the light of my life or anything, but she's opened the door to a different reality to me. She's made me feel a part of something, a part of a group. I fit in somewhere for once. Before I started dating her I spent most of my days eating lunch at the table in the far end of the quad. Away from the bitchy cheerleaders and the brainless jocks, steering clear of the stoners and the complete dorks who thought it was cool to wear 'live long and prosper' slogan shirts. I mean there where people I got along with at school, some of the art kids are pretty nice, but I never felt like they were people I'd remember when I looked back on my time at King High. So I've mostly been a pretty solitary person, the fact that I'm gay not helping in that department.

Then Spencer and I get together and suddenly I have a seat waiting for me at a table with other people. I have a place and a group and it's nice. I have Kyla waiting to sling an insult my way that she probably spent her whole first few periods thinking up. I have Aiden trying to explain a jump shot to me and bugging me to tell him if I've slept with a girl yet. And I have Spencer who sits next to me and smiles her perfect smile and it makes me feel like I belong.

Of course, not everything is perfect all of a sudden for me, I mean there's still Ashley. Ashley and the way Spencer looks at her. The way my girlfriend seems to hang onto every word she says, how she seems to get lost looking at Ashley sometimes when she thinks I'm not paying attention.

The thing is I do pay attention, because I might not be head over heels in love with Spencer, but I'm not far from falling for her completely. It would be the easiest thing in the world to just give in and let go. To just let myself fall blindly in love with her and enjoy what she's brought to my life, because I never realized how alone I really was until now. How lonely my life was before I had Spencer and a place at her table with her friends to compare it too. I don't want to go back to that, so I see Spencer looking at Ashley, but I try to ignore it. I try to tell myself that she'll get over it and when she is? Then I'll let myself fall completely. Then things really will be perfect for me.

Until then I'm simply enjoying the fact that things are relatively great for me. The time Spencer and I spend alone together, with no Ashley to distract her, is nice. We joke and laugh and talk about the most random things.

Like the night of our first date we had a whole argument about what flavor ice-cream was the best. I mean we're the two smartest people in the Senior class and we end up having an hour long debate over Vanilla versus Choc Fudge. Which somehow led to us walking along the beach talking about the Simpson's. Turns out Spencer's a Homer fan. Never would have guessed it myself, but that's what makes it fun to hang out with her. She's a surprising girl, my Spencer.

So to get back to my original point, I'm happy. I'm happy and I'm going to cling to that feeling for as long as I can, because I'm tired of being sad and alone. I mean I work hard at school and at home, I deserve this. I deserve to be happy _now_. I don't want to think of happiness as something that's going to happen to me in a few years after University when I finally get the great job and the big house. Is it really that selfish of me to want it now?

Fuck no!

So here I am walking towards my lunch table and I'm letting myself be happy, because I've got a girlfriend and friends and the sun is shining and it really doesn't suck to be me for a change.

"Yo! Ghetto Barbie, wait up!"

Oooh, someone woke up feeling clever this morning!

"Really, Tink, leave the insults to the big girls and go play with your Ken doll in the corner!"

I point out Aiden standing with some of the other guys on the basketball, but Kyla just rolls her eyes at me.

"Have you seen Ash and Spencer anywhere?"

I sit down and grab my lunch out of my bag, wondering where my wayward girlfriend could have gone. She was supposed to meet me at my class.

"I dunno, Spence was supposed to meet me, but she didn't show up. Why? You have another Matt related drama you need her advice on?"

Yeah, it's insane how completely involved Kyla is with Matt Damon. You should see her locker, just pictures of Matt everywhere. It's kinda creepy if you ask me. Stalker creepy.

"No, I didn't do that thing we had for English and I need to copy her answers."

Should have known.

"You really just show up at school so you have an audience to model your new clothes to, don't you? I mean I don't know if anyone ever explained this to you, but the point of school is to actually _learn_ something, Tink. You should try it sometime."

It's a shame how Kyla plays stupid all the time, because I don't for one second believe it. She's smarter than she lets on.

Aiden drops into the seat across from me and I'm surprised when he doesn't start with the Spanish Inquisition right off the bat. He usually peppers me with questions about the gay thing, but today he just kinda sits there and fidgets. He doesn't even check out Kyla's cleavage or anything, which is weird, because that's the first thing he usually does when he joins us for lunch. Pervy bastard. Good thing he's funny, or I'd tell him to go shove his head in a toilet for staring like that.

I turn back to Kyla only to catch her eyeing my sandwich. I don't blame her, because she's got a crappy salad again. It's the same thing everyday, she brings salad and then ends up eating my lunch anyway. I actually just bring an extra sandwich along nowadays.

"Is leaves all you ever eat, Tink? I mean are you like a bunny or something with all that green shit on your plate? Or are you too poor too afford real food? 'Cos I could've sworn I saw you pull up in a Volvo this morning."

It's no fair, she's fucking loaded and she ends up stealing the poor chicks lunch. Not that I mind, but it's the principle of the matter.

I almost get a piece of tomato in the eye for that and she still steals my sandwich. Evil bitch.

Was kinda funny though.

So after going back and forth with Kyla, I finally notice Spencer walking our way with Ashley. God, she's so beautiful. When the sunlight hits her hair it's like Spencer glows. I'm so fucking lucky to have her.

"Oh, hey Sunshine. We were wondering where you disappeared to."

She just smiles and sits down next to me, but the smile is strained. I guess she's worrying about the test we have on Tuesday. It's another big one and we both have to do well in this. It's still a little tricky dating the enemy, but we've seemed to silently agree not to talk about the Valedictorian thing.

I'm about to ask her if anything is wrong when I'm distracted by Ashley spitting juice all over Kyla.

Oh God, please don't let me fall of this seat in front of all these people. They hate me enough as it is without me making an ass out of myself!

Kyla's just sitting there, blinking. Like she can't believe she just got a mouth full of juice sprayed _all_ _over. _

I want to burst out laughing again when he starts spewing this bullshit about a survey and how no one will fuck him without proof of his dick size, but I'm kinda pissed at him too.

I thought he and Kyla had a thing. I mean they're not dating, but there was a definite vibe between them and know he's talking about scoring with other chicks?

Guys are dickheads. Dumb, stupid dickheads. I mean look at Kyla! He can be lucky a chick that hot likes him! Not that I'd ever tell her I think she's hot, but still. He's being a total prick if you ask me.

By the time they leave the table to head skip, I'm pretty glad to see them go. I can do with less Ashley around and Aiden was being a total moron.

"Uhm...I think I might head to the bathroom now."

I almost laugh again at Kyla's sticky with juice hair, but the look on her face stops me. Tinkerbell is pissed _off_!

I'm halfway out of my seat to go after her, but Spencer's hand on my arm stops me.

"Do you think we could head to the library and talk?"

The look on her face sends ice water down my spine. This is not good, not good at all. I just know it.

By the time we enter the almost empty library I'm worried. Spencer looks guilty or something, like she'd rather be running out of here than going in with me. Please don't let this be what I think it is, please!

She's still quiet as we reach the back of the library, the smell of musty books invading my nose. I've always kinda liked the smell, but today it makes me feel nauseas.

"What's going on, Sunshine?"

Please don't let it be what I think it is. Please, please, please?!

"I just...I did something and I need to tell you about it. I...I never intended to hurt you, Carmen, but..."

Oh shit, here it comes. Here's the part where the universe puts me back in my place. _Of _fucking _course_ this was coming! How could I have been so _stupid_?!

"I'm in love with someone and I've felt this way for a long time now, before you and I ever got together." 

My heart feels like it's slowing down, sitting heavier in my chest with each hard thud.

"I know that."

I do, I mean she told me that very first night, didn't she? I should have fucking known this was gonna happen. I'm so stupid!

"It was wrong of me to start this with you, Carmen. It was unfair to you and I feel like crap for putting you through this in the first place. I was being selfish and I used you and I hate that, because you're great Carmen. You really are, but..."

Oh Christ! I think I'm going to cry! I can't believe I actually want to cry. Pull your shit together Carmen, you only dated for three weeks! Three weeks! It's not like you loved her, you said it yourself. So just suck it up.

"But you're done with me. I'm right, aren't I? You're done with me, because you found something better. She likes you back, doesn't she? Ashley likes you back."

Her face gives me all the confirmation I need. Something happened with Ashley and now she's just done with me. Done with the fucking charity case girlfriend! Moving on to bigger, better things things. Don't you _dare_ cry, Carmen!

"I...look I...nothing really happened. I mean I kissed her and that was...that was _so_ wrong of me to do and I'm _so_ sorry, Carmen. I'm just really sorry,"

I know she's fucking sorry, I can see it. I can see how she kinda looks like she wants to cry too, but I just...I just...

"Look, I knew this was coming. I knew it and I'm sorry, because I shouldn't have kissed you back that night in the bathroom. You don't have too...just don't worry about it. It was a mistake and it's over. We should just leave it at that. No hard feelings."

It's true. I saw it coming. It's been hovering in the back of my mind the whole time. Spencer and the way she looks at Ashley. I ignored it, because I stupidly thought that maybe, just maybe it would work out for me. I'm so fucking pissed at myself right now!

"I still want to be your friend. I mean I would love to still be your friend, Carmen. Can we...can you be my friend after this?"

Crap, my chest is kinda burning. I need to get the fuck out of here. Get back to being alone. To not belonging anywhere. To where people like me are supposed to be.

I don't answer her, I just turn and walk away. Something I should have done that night at the party when I saw her at the shooter table. I should have known better than thinking that I could have her, that someone that comes from where_ I_ come from would ever be able to hold onto a girl like Spencer. Life just doesn't work that way, right?

I pretty much storm blindly out of the library, not sure where I'm heading really, but just needing to get away. I can feel tears burn behind my eyes, can feel my chest constricting. I really can't be seen crying in public.

I hit the nearest bathroom, glad that lunch is over and I have a free period to spend in a deserted bathroom.

Except it isn't so deserted after all, because Tinkerbell is standing in front of a mirror just looking at herself. How fucking great is that?

Before I can storm out of the bathroom, she turns and looks at me. Just looks and gets this little frown in the middle of her forehead and I have to bite my lip not to cry, because I just realize that I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss hanging out and fighting with Kyla, because we all know that Spencer breaking things off means I don't belong anywhere again. I won't have a table with friends waiting on Monday.

"What's wrong?"

And that's all it takes. I actually fucking cry. I cry in front of Kyla Woods and she's looking at me like I grew another head.

"Are you crying?!"

I shake my head no, but I can't actually say the words, because my throat is tight from holding back a sob.

"You are! You're...you're crying!"

I can't help but give a mangled smile at that, because she looks so freaked out right now. Like the thought of me actually being able to cry is such an unthinkable thing. Maybe it is, because I can honestly not remember the last time I did.

I laugh then, but I kinda sob at the same time too and this seems to freak Kyla out even more.

"Oh God, no one died right?"

No. No one died, the universe just fucked me over again.

"No, Tink, no one died. I just...Spencer she..."

A look crosses her face than and I know she gets it. She knows what happened, because I guess I wasn't the only one that noticed the looks.

"Oh God, just...just come here."

I almost laugh out loud as I watch her standing there with her arms flung open wide for a hug, looking completely disgusted by the prospect of having to touch me. Like I want to hug her anyway!

"Please, I'm not gonna stand here and _hug_ you, okay? You're off the hook now, she dumped me. You don't have to hang around with 'Salvation Army Barbie' anymore. So just get out and let me...let me..."

Oh crap, I'm crying again and she's freaking hugging me! Then I let rip. I cry like I've never cried in my life before, because I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired like my mother's tired, deep down in her soul. I don't want to worry about my idiot brother or University. I don't want to work at a stupid bakery from four in the morning and then get to school only to sit at a table on my own.

I want friends who I can laugh with. I want to kiss a pretty girl like Spencer Carlin and be enough for her, but I'm not. I'm just Carmen Garcia who's poor and bitchy and doesn't fit in. And I'm terrified that that's all I'll ever be. That I'll never go to a good school and become more than I am today. That I'll never make things easier for my family, like I know they expect me to.

Kyla somehow seems to know that I just need to do this. That I just need to cry for a little while, because she just stands there and holds me without saying a word. Which is funny, because Tinkerbell can't usually keep her mouth shut for _anything_.

I sigh into her hair and for the first time in what feels like ages I smile again.

"You smell like apple juice."

She snorts as she pulls back from me, her hands still holding my shoulders.

"That's what happens when you get showered in the stuff."

I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hand, wondering how badly my mascara is smeared. I must look like crap, but I don't look in the mirror to confirm that. I'm depressed enough as it is.

"Yeah, well, I think I might just skip out today too. So..."

I try to pull away, but her grip on my shoulders just tighten. 

"I'm sorry that you got hurt, Carmen. I know you really liked her and I feel bad that it ended up this way."

I just shrug because the tears weren't all about Spencer. There's just so many things that's not right in my life, but that's what most kids living on my block would say. It's not like my circumstances are different from anyone else's, I'm just being a baby about it.

"Yeah, well, I'm okay now. How are you, though? I mean with what Aiden said at the table, about other chicks..."

She gives me a surprised look, like she couldn't believe I picked up on her little thing with Aiden, but then she just shrugs.

"You want to go get pancakes? With lots and lots of chocolate sauce, because I think that's what we both need right now."

It's my turn to shrug as I finally pull free of her grip on my shoulders.

"I guess we could do that, have pancakes and then go our separate ways."

She looks at me and I see her finally getting it too. I'm not going to be around anymore. She looks surprisingly sad about that fact. So am I really, I liked insulting her.

"Yeah, I guess. It's going to be a little weird not having to stare at whatever eye sore of a shirt you wear."

I smile at that, because she's forever complaining about the t-shirts I wear. I look down at my shirt, smirking as I read the words slanted over my chest.

'Drop beats, not bombs.'

I look up and spot her doing the same thing and we share a smile, not something that happens between us a lot.

"What? It's a political statement of sorts. Granted, not something you know much about, seeing as the only news you follow is in the 'People Magazine'!"

She rolls her eyes and tosses her hair over her shoulder, a sure sign that she's about to let rip verbally, but her cellphone going off interrupts her.

She flips it open and I watch as her face flashes with concern as she listens to whatever is being said on the other side of the line.

"Thing is I kinda already made plans...no I understand, but...okay, just hold on a second, okay?"

She looks up at me and I know what's coming.

"Guess we're skipping pancakes and going directly to the goodbye part?"

She frowns when I say this, pressing the phone close to her chest.

"Aiden's at the hospital, he broke his nose or something..."

I nod my head, feeling surprised that I'm disappointed at not having one last afternoon with her. First I get dumped for Ashley Davies and now I'm pushed aside for Aiden Dennison. Yeah, the universe is having a great laugh at my expense. Take the girl and the sorta friend all in one go.

"It's fine, I understand. I...I guess I'll see you around, Tinkerbell."

Strangely enough the tears seem to want to come back, but I just bite back down on my lip and turn around, heading for the door.

"Carmen, wait..."

----------------------------------------

**Author's note thingy! Please read?**

**Okay, I know there wasn't any Spashley in that, but I wanted the break up from Carmen's point of view. I wanted to show what it meant to her and how it affects her life, you know? I also get that a lot of you don't care much for the Carmen character, but I like my Carmen. Now as for how I left this chapter off?**

**Some of you picked up my little hints that things between Kyla and Carmen could easily head down a more romantic path. I liked the vibe between them from the get go and this clashed with my original thought of pairing Kyla off with Aiden, which a lot of you approved of in the beginning. The scene will eventually play out in one of two ways. Kyla either goes to Aiden at the hospital, or she goes with Carmen.**

**So here's the thing. You get to choose. I know it's not that an important part of the story, but I'd like to know who you want to get together. I know who I prefer, but I write this for your entertainment, right? So Carmen and Kyla? Or Aiden and Kyla? Both seem to have supporters already, so you tell me and that's how I'll write it.**

**(Once again I was too lazy to read over for mistakes, sorry!)**


	19. spencer and some random stuff

_**Okay, to those who shared their thoughts on the whole Carmen/Kyla versus Kyla/Aiden issue, thanks. Majority rules and we have a winner! Kymen it is. (It just sounds so much like Hymen that I couldn't not like that name for Carmen and Kyla!) The chapter after this will be from Kyla's point of view and I'll slowly but surely start them down their rocky road of luuuurve. **_

_**So here's a general thank you to anyone who took the time to review and say generally nice things about this story. Once again know that I appreciate it a lot to hear from you, even if it is just a short 'good update' or something. At least I know I'm still doing something right then.**_

_**I don't own SoN. **_

**General disclaimer for this specific chapter.**

**This one sucks. I got interrupted like a thousand times while trying to write it and ended up wanting to just delete the whole damn thing. Turns out I was too lazy to start over, so I'll just try to give you something better in the Kyla chapter. Also I don't own the song 'Something' by The Beatles. If you haven't heard it before, you should listen to it. Rocks my socks off. **

Senior Year

Chapter 19

Spencer's point of view.

My perfectly rotten day at school ends with me walking home alone, because Kyla disappeared after lunch and Glen left without waiting for me. So I'm walking and wondering how I'm going to face Carmen at school on Monday. I mean I completely screwed up the break-up.

I have no idea how Glen did it that first year we got here, getting a new girlfriend every few weeks and then just breaking things off so easily. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do and I think I went about it the wrong way, because she looked so...so freaking hurt. And I did that, I made her hurt and I feel like crap for doing it. I really never want to have to do something like that again. Ever.

I don't think she'll want to be friends either, but I might be jumping the gun a bit. I mean I should probably just give her some time and then try to talk to her again, right? That's how it works on t.v, people break up and end up great friends later. I watch One Tree Hill, I know what I'm talking about. Mind you, if I have to watch Peyton and Lucas moon over each other for one more season I might just throw a shoe at the t.v. I mean Peyton could do so much better, like Brooke for instance. Brooke who's hot and svelte and brunette...and when am I seeing Ashley again? I want my Ashley now. Dammit!

Oh hello, now I'm feeling guilty again, because while Carmen's all hurt and sad I'm wanting to jump for joy, because I have an Ashley now. Whose all mine. At least, I mean we haven't really discussed this yet, but...yeah, no, I'm sticking with mine. She's all mine and I'm all hers. Isn't that the most beautiful thought in the world?

Yes, it's dreamy.

I finally get home only to find that my parents are actually there. Both of them, all at the same time. I can deal with my parents well enough in a one on one situation, but both at the same time? Ugh...and I've got a stitch in my side from the long walk too. Just brilliant.

"Spencer, sweetie, is that you?"

No, it's the postman.

"Yeah, Mom, it's me."

I stroll into the kitchen where my mom is leaning against the counter, coffee cup in hand. All blond and tall and viking like. She would have made an excellent viking queen. I can imagine the trail of dismembered bodies and orphans she would have left behind. Hey, maybe I could get her to dress up as one for Halloween. That would be neat.

"You're home late, Spence."

That's what happens when everyone deserts you at school and you have to walk. Maybe it was the universe punishing me for hurting Carmen. Who knows?

"Uh, I had to walk. No one was around to give me a ride home from school, so..."

Enter the awkward silence. We don't have a lot to say to each other mostly, I mean it's not like I can walk up to her and say 'Hey, Mom? I've had a really bad day and broke up with my first ever girlfriend after only three weeks. Oh and I'm in love with Kyla's step sister Ashley who happens to be an _awesome_ kisserHow was your day?'

Yeah, I'd be a dismembered body myself then. Or sent to a nunnery, a de-gaying camp or military school. Actually Mom's pretty thorough, so I might end up visiting all three of those_ lovely_ institutions.

We Carlin woman tend to be over achievers. It's a thing.

"Well, the exercise can only do you good."

This is accompanied by a glance down my body, a pointed stare at my stomach. Look all you want mother dearest, it might not be as rock hard as my super hot semi-girlfriends, but it's not bad. Only slightly squishy to the touch and still flat. Rock on metabolism!

"Hmm...it's also made me hungry as a horse."

Before I can even attempt to get at the cookies I stashed away in one of the cupboards, because Glen eats _everything_ he gets his hands on, an apple is thrown my way. Why gee, Mom, how thoughtful of you.

Yes, I know I've been a bit...bitchy, but can you blame me? You try living with my mother.

I take a bite and am about to retreat to my room when my dad comes in, smiling his wide smile that makes his eyes crinkle.

Now I love my dad, he's a pretty great guy, but sometimes I wish I could take him by the shoulders and just shake him. I mean he lets mom get away with _everything_. From working late and leaving everything to him to how crap she just generally treats him. Not to mention the stuff she's pulled on me while he just stands there and smiles. Fine, he'll put an arm around my shoulders and cook me pasta, but just once I'd like him to stand up to her for us.

Still, it's impossible to _not_ love him.

"Heeey, Munchkin! How was your day?"

He drops a kiss on the top of my head and heads for the fridge.

"Oh, you know...long."

Ha, that's an understatement.

"Well, at least it's weekend, right kiddo? You got any plans?"

Oh yes, there's plans alright. It involves kissing Ashley Davies senseless. Then maybe a cold beverage of her choice and back to kissing. Sounds like a decent plan if you ask me. Well, after we clear a few things up that is. Like are we dating know? Are we officially going out or does she need a bit more time too get used to things.

"Well, Ashley will be coming over later, but other than that no. No real plans."

My mother puts her cup down and gives me her stare. You know how parents have a certain way of looking at you and you just _know _you're not going to like what's coming.

"You've got that test next week, don't you Spence?"

Ah, of course. Here's where she tells me to do better, work harder.

"Yes, Mom. I've got a test next week."

She fixes her shirt and walks closer, making me have to look up a bit to see her face.

"We're not going to have a repeat of what happened the last time, are we? You can't afford another B, Spencer. It's not acceptable. Now I know it's nice that you're going out more, but you have to stay focused on what's important. We've worked too hard and too long for you to throw everything away now. So tonight your little friend can come over, but you're hitting the books the rest of the weekend, okay sweetie? Great, now Arthur can you fix something up for dinner, I think I might head upstairs for a nap. Things have been hectic at the hospital lately and I'm starting to feel it."

Without waiting for a reply from either of us, she leaves the kitchen and heads up the stairs. Typical, she gives her orders and retreats.

I watch as dad stands staring up at the top of the stairs where mom disappeared just a second ago and I feel my anger fade. He looks kinda sad. Like maybe a little hopeless and it makes me wonder when the last time was my mother bothered to listen to anything my father had to say. That must sting, knowing the woman you love barely ever registers you're still alive.

"So dad, what's for dinner? I thought I could maybe invite Ashley over a little earlier and she could join us. Would that be okay?"

If the rest of my weekend was going to be spent learning, then I might as well spend as much time with Ashley today as I can.

"Sure, munchkin, that's fine. I'll maybe do some homemade pizza, how's that?"

I leave my dad in the kitchen making the pizza bases from scratch to phone Ashley. I haven't seen her in hours and I want to just hear her voice.

I'm disappointed when I only get her voice mail, but I leave a message telling her to come over sooner if she'd like and have dinner with us. I'm not worried about freaking her out over dinner with the family this early, because she's met both my parents already, so it's really no big deal.

I guess I fell asleep waiting for her, because the next thing I know I open my eyes and I'm face down on my pillow, hair _everywhere_.

Then the fact that someone seems to be sucking on my earlobe registers and I react without thinking.

I screech and flail like a drunken monkey falling out a tree as I fling myself out of bed, hitting the floor ass first and grabbing a shoe all in one go. I sling the shoe over my shoulder with as much force as I can, hoping it goes in the general direction of the creepy sex predator that broke into my house, as I crawl towards the baseball bat I keep next to my computer desk.

Of course I don't think creepy sex predators are supposed to cry out like a girl when shoes are thrown at them. That kinda slows me down a bit and I finally take a look over my shoulder, my hand stalling an inch away from the bat.

Oh, so not a creepy sex predator than. Guess Ashley got my message to come over earlier. Oops.

"Uh...hey, Ash. How you doing?"

I can feel the blush starting at the tips of my ears and working its way down my face and neck. Ah, yes, humiliation my old friend, how have you been?

Ashley stares at me for another second or two, her hand rubbing a spot on her forehead where I assume my shoe shaped missile hit her.

"You know, that's the third hit I've taken to the head because of you today. If this goes on I might end up concussed with brain damage."

Before I can ask her what she means by that, my dad comes barging into the room, his eyes all big and worried. I guess that's what happens when he hears his daughter screaming like a banshee.

"Spence, are you okay? What's going on?"

Ashley picks up the shoe off my bed and waves it around a bit.

"Oh nothing much, Spencer just got a fright when I woke her and threw me with a shoe."

My dad gives Ashley a look then.

"You only woke her know, but I let you in more than half an hour ago?"

Ashley blushes faintly and drops the shoe.

"She looked peaceful and I didn't wanna bother her."

Aw, she let me sleep, probably watched over me the whole time. See, she's so the sweetest thing ever.

"Well, Spencer, you shouldn't throw people with shoes. It's not...nice."

With those words of wisdom he heads out again and Ashley's quick to jump off the bed and lock my door. Without a word she extends her hand towards me and helps me to my feet.

"Hey, I'm really sorry I hurt you."

She smiles as she stands and runs her hands through my hair, straitening the case of crazy bed head I'm sporting.

"I guess I shouldn't have tried to molest you in your sleep, so don't worry about it."

She smiles wide and leans in a bit closer to me, her hands stilling in my hair, her breath faintly brushing over my lips.

"Yeah, I'm not use to being woken up like that. I might have over reacted just a bit."

She chuckles against my mouth and I shiver as she finally kisses me softly. It's weird how I'm feeling shy about kissing her when earlier in the day I was slapping her ass. She just...does things to me, you know? Crazy things that make me feel all these crazy feelings.

As much as I want to stand here and kiss her, there's things that need to be said first, so I pull away. Well, I'm sure I attempted to pull away, but the hands in my hair hold me in place and then she's tasting me with her tongue and I'm forgetting how to breathe, so speech might be a stretch anyway.

I finally gather enough brain power to pull myself firmly away and I'm more than thrilled with the soft little whining noise she makes at the loss of contact.

"Spence, come on..."

Her voice, all soft and whispering, almost makes me lose my resolve, but I push through in the end.

"Ash, we need to talk, don't you think?"

She gives a resigned sigh and drops down onto my bed, sitting on her hands and wiggling her bare toes. Strangely enough she's got different color nail polish on every one.

"Why are your toes all different colors?"

She looks down on them and then frowns up at me.

"'Cause I'm gay now, right? So I thought I'd show some gay spirit or something."

I can't help but smile at that and wonder how I ever managed to fall in love with a closet goofball.

"By giving your toenails a rainbow themed make over?"

She smiles and leans back on her elbows, making her shirt strain over her chest. Over her perfectly round, soft breasts. Yummy...

Get back on track, Carlin!

"Fine, I got bored waiting at the hospital and ended up letting this little girl paint my nails in the waiting room. She was like all cute and blue eyed and I felt like an asshole for saying no when she wanted to redo my make-up, so when she took out all these nail polishes with Barbie on I was like, fine, but you put it on my toe nails where no one can see it! And she did this pouting thing, but I held out..."

I stop her midway, because did she just say HOSPITAL?!

"Why were you at the hospital? Are you okay? Did something happen?"

I'm next to her in no time, suddenly remembering her comment about it being the third time she got hit in the head today, running my hand through her hair.

She just smiles up at me, leaning her head back against my fingers.

"Hmm...that feels good."

I carry on, letting my fingers run over her scalp in gentle patterns, taking the time to just look at her. To take in the beautiful lines of her face, the way her eyebrows slant just the right way and her bottom lip is full, but not overly so. How her eyes are so warm and beautiful, even when they're looking at me half lidded and lazily. It's just perfect. She's just so perfect. It hurts my heart to look at her like this, like I never thought I'd be able too.

"So you're not hurt?"

She gives me a lazy smile to go with her half closed, lazy eyes.

"Uh huh. I'm good, don't worry."

I nod my head, happy with her answer as I settle down on the bed. Ashley does the same, lying flat on her back staring up at my ceiling with a soft smile, not one I've seen on her face very often before now. I keep facing her, just not able to tear my gaze away from her. I just...I just waited so long to be able to do this, you know? An eternity of waiting and know it's over. No more waiting and dreaming and wondering.

"Spence?"

I keep my stare steady on her profile, taking in the view of her biting her bottom lip.

"Yes, Ash?"

She still doesn't turn to face me, just lies there as I feel her hand creeping into my own, holding it firmly.

"You're my girl now, right?"

The things my heart do when she says that I'll never be able to describe in words. I just know that I wont ever forget this feeling, or the sight of her bottom lip quivering slightly before she bites back down on it.

"You're my girl and you won't...you won't end up leaving me, because you feel what I feel, right?"

I finally get that she's scared, that I've dumped a whole hell of a lot of serious stuff on her and I'm pretty much expecting her to handle it all. I've had a year to work everything through, to accept that I'm gay. To accept that I'm madly, deeply and permanently in love with this surprisingly delicate girl next to me. She's had all of what? Two days?

"I won't leave, Ash. You're not alone, not in this or anything else. I'm here and I'm sticking around, because I feel what you feel. I promise, I'm all yours, Ash. I'm your girl."

She nods her head and finally turns towards me, her eyes dark and wet with unshed tears, making my heart constrict painfully.

"I'm holding you to that."

Then she simply leans in and kisses me chastely once before pulling back and getting off the bed completely.

"So you promised me dinner?"

I did, so we headed down stairs to find my dad in the kitchen watching the pizza in the oven. I got us both a water out the fridge and we settled down at the kitchen table just talking with my dad.

"So where's Kyla? Usually she's in here bugging me about when the food will be ready?"

I hadn't even realized Kyla was missing her first Friday night dinner with us since I've known her. She's never not been around for it.

"Actually, I don't know. She skip...uh...got sick at school after lunch and I haven't seen her since. Maybe she's still feeling...uh...sick."

Yeah, I'm not the best liar in the world and I doubt my dad fell for that lame excuse, but he's just smiling and nodding his head.

"Right, sure. So that just means there's more for everyone else. I think Glen might be bringing Chelsea over too so we'll still have a full table."

By the time Glen shows up with Chelsea in tow, my mother comes downstairs to inform us that she got a call from the hospital.

"One of the doctors covering the night shift got sick, so I'll be back by seven or eight tomorrow morning."

My dad still wonders over to kiss her goodbye, but she just waves him off and heads to the door. I feel bad for dad, but honestly? I'm happy she's gone.

By the time dinner's over, I'm happy to say we've had a good time so far. Dad was his goofy self, Glen only made one or two wise cracks about Carmen and Ashley kept rubbing her fingers over my jean clad knee.

So I was ready to disappear up stairs and just be alone with her, but Dad wanted to watch a movie. I felt bad, because Mom left and he's sitting there with his bright smile pretending he's not dreading spending the rest of the night alone.

Surprisingly enough Ashley's the one that says it's a good idea. Hell, she even helps him choose a DVD to watch. So here I am with my new girlfriend sitting as close to me as possible without actually ending up in my lap and watching 'The Notebook' with my dad. Not really how I pictured my Friday night turning out.

At the end of the movie I have to physically keep myself from bursting out laughing, because my dad and Ashley are both sniffling and trying to hide the fact that they were secretly bawling their eyes out. It happens every time my dad watches it and we all pretend not to notice, but I didn't peg Ashley for a crier too.

"Really is a great movie that."

My dad's voice is all gruff when he speaks, another sign of the tears he tried hard to keep in.

"Sure was, Mr C."

Ashley sighs as she says it and I give her hand a quick squeeze.

"Dad, I think Ashley and I are gonna head up to my room and listen to some music. You gonna be okay down here?"

He nods his head and takes the DVD out and puts it back into it's box, subtly sniffing again as he looks at the cover.

"I'm actually just going to hit the hay now, kiddo."

I just smile as I get up off the couch and lead Ashley up to my room, making sure to lock the door behind me. I mean I don't exactly want my dad to catch me making out with my girlfriend, now do I?

"So, we're going to listen to some music, are we?"

Arms wrap around my waist from behind and a soft cheek plants itself against my own. I stand there for just a moment, getting use to the feel of Ashley pressed so closely against me.

"Hmm...we are."

I feel as she presses a kiss to my neck, shiver as she lightly nips the skin afterwards.

"Is that all we're gonna do?" 

She breathes her words into my ear and I feel as another shiver works it way down my spine.

"Well, we could dance if you wanted too?"

She pulls back a bit and turns me around in her arms, pushing me back against my door and pressing us close together.

"You want to slow dance with me?"

I nod, seeing as I can't seem to get a word out as her warmth starts seeping into me where we touch, which happens to be everywhere at this point. Only part of her not touching me is her lips and I'm wanting to change that right about now, but she pulls away when I lean closer to her.

"Okay."

I feel my forehead frown in confusion, her smell and touch and simple nearness seeming to turn me stupider by the second.

"Okay what?" 

She chuckles as she pulls away from me completely and heads towards my radio.

"Okay, we'll slow dance."

She stands and fiddles with the nob until the sound of a smooth voice fills the air, a guitar twanging in the background.

_'Something in the way she moves, _

_attracts me like no other lover._

_Something in the way she woos me._

_I don't want to leave her now,_

_You know I believe in how.'_

She listens to the first few words and then gives a small smile, nodding her head and murmuring 'perfect' under her breath.

Than I close my eyes as she slowly draws me near, holding me against her and swaying us from side to side. She presses another kiss against my neck and I just smile, letting the song and her lips and the way we move together take me away from everything.

_'Somewhere in her smile she knows,_

_That I don't need no other lover._

_Something in her style that shows me._

_I don't want to leave her now,_

_you know I believe in how.'_

Ashley's softly singing the words into my ear, her hand low on my back as I swallow hard. I remember the days I spent sitting behind her in class, listening to her singing under her breath. I remember how that was one of the little things that made me love her.

"I really don't think I need anyone other than you, Spence."

I don't say anything, just hold her a little tighter as the music, along with the world, fades from the room as she finally lifts her head and kisses me, breathing soft words into my mouth.

Words like 'want' and 'need' and then I find myself on my bed, Ashley's weight anchoring me down. Her lips are everywhere, my throat, my collarbone. Her hands running warm trails up and down, from my hips to just under my breasts and back again. I almost moan out loud when her right hand brushes my breast on it's fourth sweep up and down, making my eyes snap open and realize where this is heading.

"Ash, we've got to slow down a bit."

I hate the fact that I blush when I say this, but I can see the look on her face. She wanted things to go further, maybe not _all_ the way, but further than I let it go before stopping.

"I...yeah, of course. I just got a little carried away."

She pulls back and sighs, running a hand through her tousled hair before she gives me a warm smile that sets my heart at ease. Okay, so she's not gonna be dumping me just because I'm a prude from Ohio that wants to take things a little slower. Good to know.

"So did I, but I just want to..."

She sits up to give me a quick kiss and cuts off whatever I wanted to say.

"Want to wait and not lose your virginity with your dad sleeping in the bedroom two doors down with a girl that you haven't even gone on a proper date with. Am I right?"

Yeah, she's _so_ going to score with me eventually.

"You are and I think you're pretty wonderful for understanding."

She flops back and smiles again, the kind of smile that makes me wish I could speed post my principles to Guatemala and just ravish her. Pity you can't do that.

"Pretty wonderful is damn right! You have no idea the amount of self constraint I just showed. You should repay me by taking me to the beach tomorrow and prancing around half naked in your bikini. Well...only if there's no one else around can you do the prancing half naked, other wise you can just wear really tight pants or something and bend over a lot. That'd work for me too."

I just laugh and roll my eyes.

"You don't want other people seeing me half naked?"

She shakes her head and looks serious again.

"No, naked Spencer's gonna be all mine when the time comes. Just like naked Ashley's all yours from now on."

I'm relieved to hear it, because even though we haven't really discussed it, I'm well aware of the fact that Ashley's had sex. A lot of sex and with a few different people. So hearing that that part of her is being saved for me alone now is like a weight off my shoulders.

"Okay, so no half naked me on a beach tomorrow, but it wouldn't be able to happen anyway. I kinda have to study the rest of the weekend, so I won't get to see you till Monday."

Ashley frowns and I'm pleased at the thought that she's disappointed that she can't spend more time with me.

"Crap, that sucks. Can I at least stay over tonight then? Maybe snuggle a bit to help me make it through to Monday?"

I just smile and get up, picking out a tank top and boxers for both of us. I throw her the sleepwear and head to my bathroom, changing quickly. By the time I get back Ashley's just pulling the tank top over her head, giving me a fine view of her naked back for a few seconds. I swallow and blink hard to get the image to fade, never realizing that I could even find the graceful curve of a slightly arched back beautiful.

She gets under the covers and waits for me to join her, laying her body half way across mine when I finally lie down. I feel as she tilts her head up to brush a kiss against the underside of my chin, her arm a reassuring weight across my stomach.

"Sweet dreams, Spence."

I sigh into the darkness of my room, a sigh of contentment and happiness.

"You too, Ash."

It's quiet for all of five seconds before Ashley gives a small chuckle.

"I don't think my dreams will be all that sweet, Spence. Lately they've all been of the dirty kind, starring you and me, naked and sweaty."

I smile as I hug her closer, not about to let on that I've been having those for a _year _now.

"Shut up and go to sleep, horndog."

-----------------------------------------

_**So like I said, a sucky chapter that ended up all over the place, but it's done now. I'll do better next time, I promise. Well, I'll try at least. So yeah, review if you found anything in here that could redeem this chapter, other wise I'll just let your silence speak for itself. **_


	20. Kyla and a step in a different direction

_**To those that reviewed and liked the last chapter, thanks, I had trouble with that one, so the feedback was nice.**_

_**Now this chapter is a little different. **_

_**Here be SEX! So beware of that. It's nothing too bad I think, but it's there. If the rating needs to be put up, tell me. Although this is probably the first and last smutty chapter you'll get in this story for a while.**_

_**It may also seem a little out of character, but if you look deep enough and take everything into account, I think it's a sorta natural progressing for them.**_

_**Oh and it's a KYMEN chapter. I just love saying that. Kymen. Ha!**_

Senior Year

Chapter 20

Kyla's (eventually drunken) point of view.

Juice stains are a bitch to remove, trust me, I know. I've been covered in the stuff enough times to have some very credible knowledge on the matter. At least Ashley spit Apple Juice at me, that's not too hard to get out.

I sigh as I bring up another paper towel to wipe away the sticky juice that ran down my neck. Life just plays dirty sometimes, don't you think?

Here I am, a beautiful, spiritually well rounded, fashionably gifted young woman and I get a face full of apple juice and then the added joy of sitting and listening to Aiden go on about wanting to make sure chicks will hook up with him.

Chicks that aren't me.

Now don't get me wrong, I know he plays the field somewhat, I mean he's hot and popular, of course he hooks up occasionally, but today just highlighted to me that he isn't exactly sitting around waiting for me. He's having fun and living his life until that unspoken something between us can become real. Waiting for the day that Ashley won't go ballistic and take my head off for liking her ex-boyfriend who was almost her baby daddy or whatever the rappers call it these days.

Point is he's not really pining away, is he? Not to mislead you into thinking that _I'm _pining or something, because I don't pine. I don't get moon eyed and leave on fanciful daydreams like one Miss Spencer Carlin does when she stares at Ashley, no, Aiden doesn't bring out that side of me. I'll admit to wondering how things would be between us if Ashley wasn't an issue, wondering if it was going to be as worth the wait as I suspect it to be. So I don't pine, but I do have expectations of the boy and today I realized he isn't meeting some of them.

I don't like that he can so easily go about messing around with people until we can date, while I've been behaving in that area. I mean there's been a few flirtations here and there, kissed a boy or ten, but no actual sex and no actual relationships. In my own way I've been faithful to him and our little unspoken agreement, but he's just going about his business and living it up, isn't he?

I mean I have needs too, but you don't see me acting on them, do you? I'm pretty sure he'd go bonkers if I let one of the guys on the basketball team in my pants, but I'm supposed to let it all slide 'cos he's a guy and I'm a girl. Girls aren't supposed to have hormones and sexual needs and stuff. Well that's just bullshit, but I've sucked it up even though I'm a bit of a firecracker in the bedroom department, even if I say so myself. Clay and I used to go at it like bunnies! It was fun and a good work out and I liked it, but when we broke up and Aiden started making googly eyes at me I ignored my own needs.

So today I've come to realize that I'm living like a freaking nun and stuck in stasis, just waiting for a future with him that might not even happen. Like I said to Spencer, I'm not in love with Aiden, so in the end it might not be worth hurting Ashley to have a relationship with him. I'm simply sure that given the chance to actually be together, I could love him and that's why I've been patiently waiting out Ashley's issues with Aiden.

Now I'm thinking I've been a big idiot for waiting this long and living the way I've been living. I don't owe him anything at this point and he's made it clear he feels the same way. I'm not going to wait anymore, if it happens then it happens.

I'm young and hot and I'm going to enjoy that, because I'm Kyla freaking Woods and I wait for no man!

I look at my face again in the mirror and I hate that I'm looking a little sad, even after my internal pep talk.

Ugh...boys so suck sometimes.

I hear the door open and I'm honestly not in the mood for people, so I turn to just make a quiet exit.

Easier said than done when faced with a pale, sad looking Carmen Garcia biting her lip like a lost toddler. It's not a look I'd ever expect to see on Carmen's face and it immediately sets off alarm bells in my head.

"What's wrong?"

And then I watch in horror as the scariest thing since the first 'Blair Witch Project' happens right in front of my startled gaze.

Big, fat, sad tears burst from Carmen's eyes and rolls down her cheeks. Leaving me with a terror induced heart attack and her with wet streaks down her face and blue eyes that seem to burn brighter with the intensity of its color.

"Are you crying?!"

I have an urgent need for her to dispel my belief that those are indeed tears verbally, but the best she manages is a shake of the head. A very shaky, not so much reassuring action.

"You are! You're...you're crying!"

She gives me a look then with those startlingly blue eyes and smiles. Sort of at least, because she just lifts the right corner of her mouth slightly. Then a laugh is followed by a sob and panic washes through my shocked body.

Why the hell is she crying? What the hell happened? Did someone die or something?

Oh hell wait, _did _someone die?

"Oh God, no one died right?"

I hold my breath for what feels like forever, concern for her squishing my insides so tight I can't breath even if I wanted to.

"No, Tink, no one died. I just...Spencer she..."

Then my confusion fades like Lindsay Lohan's popularity. Or Britney's sanity, you pick.

Spencer.

Spencer left her because of Ashley or something along those lines and now she's hurt. She's hurt and that's my fault for starting this whole thing by inviting Spencer to Aiden's party all those weeks ago. It's my fault for shoving her into Ashley's way so Ashley _had _to notice her.

Now this girl, whose never seemed anything other than strong and tough, is hurt and crying and in the end it all boils down to me. I broke her. Me. Kyla Woods .

I do the only thing I can think of then, because I'm responsible for this mess and I should at least try to do this one thing for her, so I throw my arms wide for a hug.

"Oh God, just...just come here."

She almost laughs at that and I wonder at the little bit of hurt that blooms in my chest. I mean it wouldn't kill her to hug me. I'm doing her a bloody favor, because _she's_ standing there like a blubbering idiot after all, not me.

"Please, I'm not gonna stand here and _hug_ you, okay? You're off the hook now, she dumped me. You don't have to hang around with 'Salvation Army Barbie' anymore. So just get out and let me...let me..."

Her voice quivers the whole time she speaks and the tears well up in her eyes again and I forget my own little bit of hurt, because I see her shoulders slump tiredly and her eyes dull just a little bit. I forget everything and just step forward, engulfing her in my arms. We fit together surprisingly well, her face buried deeply in the hair by my neck, somehow dampening the sounds of the sobs that rack her body as my hands stroke her back softly.

She's crying in a way I don't think I've ever cried before. It's heartbreaking and desperate almost, like she's shedding a load heavier than I can ever imagine with every tear I feel running down my neck, mixing her sadness with apple juice still lingering on my skin. So I stand and I hold her and I even maybe cry a little on the inside for this girl that I helped hurt.

"You smell like apple juice."

I snort and pull away, because that was so random and out of place. I mean I was being all deep and thoughtful and then she goes and ruins the moment. Still, I keep my hands firmly on her shoulders, a little part of me thinking she might still need that support.

"That's what happens when you get showered in the stuff."

I watch as she wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand and I'm reminded of the home videos my dad has somewhere of me crying and pouting on my fifth birthday, wiping at my eyes with the back of my hands. It's such a kid like thing to do, so out of place with her bad ass image.

"Yeah, well, I think I might just skip out today too. So..."

She tries pulling away, but I don't let her go, because there's things I need to say. Well, just the one thing, but it's important that she knows I do...care. That someone cares.

"I'm sorry that you got hurt, Carmen. I know you really liked her and I feel bad that it ended up this way."

I want to say more, but I don't really know how. We fight most of the time, well all of the time really. We don't do mushy talks and stuff like that.

"Yeah, well, I'm okay now. How are you, though? I mean with what Aiden said at the table, about other chicks..."

I almost swallow my tongue in surprise at that, because like I said, we don't talk about mushy things like feelings and stuff. We don't really speak at all, we bark and snipe and make derogatory remarks regarding each other's fashion and background, so how the hell does she know about my feelings for Aiden?

"You want to go get pancakes? With lots and lots of chocolate sauce, because I think that's what we both need right now."

Pancakes drowned in chocolate sauce is what I need right now, because she just reminded me of Aiden and his little escapades with other girls and it looks like she could use them too. Pancakes can cure anything if you ask me, heartbreak and disappointment.

She pulls away again and I finally let her go as she speaks.

"I guess we could do that, have pancakes and then go our separate ways."

Go our sepera...oh, I get it. We're not going to hang out anymore, are we?

That...that never really even crossed my mind, what the breakup would mean to us. As in me and Carmen who I've come to...care about somewhat. I mean it was refreshing to have someone sharp to argue with, because Spencer's too sweet to argue or bicker and Aiden's to dumb and Ashley...well, she's just too mean.

I had fun with Carmen and that's over now.

It kinda sucks.

We get into it then, not really fighting, but just teasing like we always do and it just feels so good. So normal really and I'm just getting into it when my phone goes off.

I listen and panic a little when Ashley mentions Aiden and hospital, but when I hear it's just a broken nose I relax. Then she's talking about me coming to pick him up, 'cos she needs to go meet someone and I can't help catching Carmen's eye.

"Guess we're skipping pancakes and going directly to the goodbye part?

She gives me an out then, hands me a way out of pancakes and her life for good.

"Aiden's at the hospital, he broke his nose or something..."

She just nods, kinda looking sad all over again and I feel my chest constrict again.

"It's fine, I understand. I...I guess I'll see you around, Tinkerbell."

It's the way she says Tinkerbell that catches me, that makes me finally realize that she maybe needs me more than Aiden does right now. That Aiden is a future I might want one day, not a reality I have an obligation too_ today_. That putting my life on hold and being there when it's convenient for _him_, when he's broken a nose or crying drunkenly at a pool over a baby he lost with my step sister, is not enough for me anymore. That being treated as the girlfriend when he's down and then just being the friend when he sleeps with other girls is not working for me right now.

"Carmen, wait..."

She pauses, but just gives me this sad look, like she's just waiting to hear me say goodbye. I give her a smile as I press the phone back against my ear.

"Is he dying of blood loss? Did shards of bone pierce his brain or anything?"

I don't wait for Ashley's answer.

"I doubt it, so call his mother to go pick him up. The wait wont kill him." I sigh as I realize I sounded a bit like a heartless bitch there. "Tell him I'll see him tomorrow and that he should take it easy."

I cut her surprised 'Okay' off and put my phone away as I watch with some amusement as surprise blossoms on Carmen's face.

"So, are we getting pancakes or what?"

In the end I just buy pancake mix and we head to my mother's apartment. Sh stays in L.A for about four months out of the year and bought an apartment for when she's in town. I have a key, but I don't usually have the need to use it. Today I think it's the perfect place to go, because I don't think Carmen or myself feel like sitting in some place with a bunch of other people around.

That and there's a fully stocked bar and a bottle of Tequila with our names on it.

"Wow, you guys really are loaded. This apartment is bigger than mine and just standing here empty most of the time. Must be nice, I have to share my space with five other people."

She seems a little dazed at the sight of the apartment with it's large windows and high ceilings. The furniture that my mother bought in France and Italy scattered around strategically.

"Yes well, it's okay. Try not to get dirt on anything though, my mother will kill me if she finds out I used the apartment when she wasn't here."

Carmen just rolls her eyes, but then looks down to the white carpeting and kicks of her grubby shoes. I smile when I spot her socks, black with little devils on. Very Carmen.

She trudges around the room in her socks and then shakes her head, muttering something about rich people and unfair.

I ignore her as I head to the kitchen, throwing the pancake mix and other stuff I bought on the counter. When I turn I almost run straight into Carmen who silently slipped into the kitchen with her sock clad feet.

"Just wanted to come and check if you even know how to mix all this stuff to make pancakes. You don't exactly look like you know your way around a kitchen, Tink."

I want to get all huffy and tell her off, because that's what we do, but I don't really know how to mix it so I just kind of glare at her.

Glaring is good too, not as affective as verbally abusing her, but okay.

"Oh, Tink. All that hairspray and crap is eating away at your brain cells, 'cos any moron can follow the instructions on the box."

Oooo, I don't even use hairspray, that's so nineties.

"Fine, then your low income ass can make them."

She just grins at me, looking all wicked and superior and I can't help smiling, because this is the Carmen I know. Not a girl with tears in her eyes and a shaky voice, but taunting and confident.

"Yeah, yeah, now where the hell do you keep all your bowls and stuff?"

In the end I actually do help with the pancakes. I mean I get to stir for a few minutes and everything. Very productive of me for a complete novice in the kitchen.

I'm surprised that Carmen seems so at home in the kitchen, working the stove without much trouble and even adjusting the pancake mix a bit to match her own recipe.

"How come you're so good at this?"

She looks up, wiping a stray strand of hair out of her eyes.

"I work mornings in a bakery."

She goes back to flopping the pancake around in the pan, smiling when it doesn't bend over itself or brakes.

Meanwhile I'm getting lost in the memory of holding her in the bathroom, trying to remember something that her comment stirred.

It was her smell. That's what was niggling in the back of my head after her bakery comment.

She smells like bread or muffins or something. All warm and delicious. Come to think of it, I always get hungry when she's around and that may just explain that.

"It's so your fault I picked up two pounds these last few weeks!"

She glances up from the pan and gives me a look, all the while doing that shuffling thing with the pan people do on cooking shows.

"Are you on drugs?"

She doesn't give me a chance to reply, just points to the plate sitting in front of me with a stack of pancakes on. I hold it up as she slides the last pancake onto the pile.

"Where's the chocolate sauce?"

I think we're both too distracted by the smell of warm pancakes wafting in the air to keep on bickering anyway, so I just get up and bend down in front of the cupboard where I stashed it when my mother last visited.

When I look over my shoulder to hand her the sauce, I'm surprised to find her eyes firmly fixed on my ass. I mean it's not like that's never happened to me before, 'cos well have you _seen_ me? But it's strange to have a girl do it. To have Carmen do it. Not that that's a first either, because I caught her one time in gym giving me the once over too. She'd done it almost unconsciously, so I just ignored it.

Now though she seems to catch herself doing it and whips her eyes away, frowning like it bothers her. Like she didn't want to be staring at my ass.

I get up and grab the plate of pancakes, gesturing towards the lounge where a bottle of Tequila is already waiting.

Pancakes and Tequila, almost as weird a combination as Carmen and myself make.

By the time I'm on my third pancake, we've downed a good third of the bottle. We're both comfortably buzzed and just munching on our pancakes, talk having moved to more sensitive subjects somehow.

"You knew they were into each other, didn't you?"

I sigh as Carmen looks at me, her eyes not as sharp as usual. Alcohol will do that to you.

"Yeah, I knew. Knew from Junior year when Spencer started staring at her like she was Christmas come early."

She looks between the shot glass in her hand and the fork with pancake on in the other, clearly torn between which one to pick. She settles on the Tequila, her face pulling at the burning taste before she shoves the pancake in her mouth quickly.

"Sucks for me."

I nod my head, feeling a little guilty again that Carmen got hurt in all of this. Okay, I've had a lot to drink, so I feel _way_ guilty.

"It's kinda my fault, you know? So I'm like, really, really sorry about you getting dumped."

She scrunches up her face, apparently the mixture of Tequila and pancake not going down too well.

"Whatcha mean it was your fault? I don't get it."

I look down into my own shot glass, wondering what the hell happened to the worm that was in the bottle.

Oh God! Did I swallow the worm!

"What? And where'd the freaking worm go?!"

Carmen blinks at me slowly, then wiggles her nose once and takes another shot followed by pancake. I do the same.

Eugh...that tastes _vile_.

"I chucked it down the garbage disposal, 'cos worms are freaky little fucks." She blinks as I blow out a relieved breath. "And I said how's it your fault."

Oh, right. It's all my fault.

"I got them together. I mean I'm kinda assu...assuming they've hooked up know, right?"

Carmen just lifts her shoulders and downs her shot. I look down into my glass and I'm surprised to see it's full again.

That Carmen. She's so sneaky.

"Anyway, I got Ash to notice her, 'cause I knew...I just knew..." 

I trail off as I watch her reach for the bottle again, noticing how it's half way empty now. How her hand looks kinda slender against it. Strong but slender.

Pretty hands that probably do very naughty things. Like, naughty_ lesbian_ things.

I wonder if she's any good with them...

"What did you just know?"

She doesn't slur or anything when she speaks, but her voice is lazy. Like speaking is such an effort for her right now.

"That it wasn't possible that they weren't meant for each other. That there was no way on earth that Spence could look at her like that and love her like that and it _not_ be meant to be, you know? So I knew, I just _knew_ that if I could just get Ashley to notice her..."

I trail off, loosing my train of thought as Carmen leans forward again for the bottle. I like the way her hair flows down her back. It's so straight and black, all shiny and soft.

Hey, how do I know it's soft?

"Cos you're touching it, stupid."

I asked that out loud? Huh.

I pull my hand back away from glossy black softness, reach for another bite of pancake. I so love pancake right now. It's so...pancakey.

"So they're meant to be...like you and Aiden?"

I frown at the mention of Aiden's name, 'cause I'm still mad at him. Him and his penis that visits all those vagina's.

Vagina. Such a funny word that.

"Uh...I don't know if we're meant to be. He has all this sex over weekends with these girls and then still looks at me all soft like and makes me say yes to prom..."

He's such a douche bag. I mean he's a great douche bag, but still a douche bag.

"Ugh...boys."

Carmen nods her head as if she's agreeing with me, filling my glass and her own back up again.

"Ugh...girls."

She downs her shot after that. I'm happy to say we're both drunk at this point, not gonna-puke-and-pass-out-drunk, but drunk. Just pleasantly drunk.

"It's not fair he gets to have all that sex and I have to put a ice pack on it, ya know?'

Carmen's not answering, so I look over and see she's staring rather intensely at my semi exposed thigh. I tug down on the hem of my dress and this breaks her gaze. She downs another shot and I do the same.

Isn't Tequila supposed to taste better after a while?

I think mines off or something, 'cos it still tastes like crap.

"Yeah, you're...you're completely right. It's not fair that someone as hot as you..." Her eyes trails back over to my thigh again before she blinks and swallows. "As hot as you has to hold back and he doesn't. Like it's not fair that I got my ass dumped today. Just not fair that I'm not good enough..."

She sighs and makes a grab for the bottle again, but I grab her hand and squeeze, 'cos well she _is_ good enough.

"No hey, you're good. You're all kinds of good. I mean you're smart and you have the best insults. Really you do. You're gonna make some lesbian chick real happy one day, I know it. Like I'm gonna get happy one day, when Aiden and I...do whatever it is we're supposed to do in the future."

Carmen gives me a look then, kinda smiling while she eyes me sneakily.

"You want to get happy one day? Or you want to finally get laid one day?"

She laughs then and I just shake my head, but wait...

That's the problem here, isn't it? He's getting his happy on right now and I'm being left in limbo. Horny limbo.

Horny limbo sucks. Boys suck.

Then I catch the look Carmen's giving me, this time a little higher than my thigh, but lower than my face. Yup, she's sooo staring at my boobs. They're good boobs though, very stare worthy, so I won't complain.

Actually, that gives me an idea.

"Hey, do you wanna get it on?"

Carmen spills her drink down her shirt and gives me a wide eyed look.

Me, I'm just thinking that that's the best idea I've ever had. I mean I'm horny and she's obviously checking me out. Granted, I've never done the girl on girl thing, but how much harder than the boy on girl thing could it be?

So my best idea ever!

"Are you fucking crazy?!"

Hey now, no need for that!

"Are you saying you don't want to...to...you don't find me attractive?"

She squirms on her seat, a guilty look on her face as her eyes trail down my body again.

"I...that's not it. I'm not good enough for girls like you...I don't belong...I..."

She seems confused and I'm just warming to the idea more and more.

I mean she's not bad looking, she's got these incredible eyes and her hands...her hands look able and I suddenly realize I want them to be willing. I mean that doesn't make me gay or anything, it just means I'm having my one lesbian college experience. In high school. Nothing wrong with that, right?

So I just move up close to her and let my hand brush over her chest, just lightly fluttering down between her breasts and down to her stomach.

"You're enough for me, Carmen. Right now, you're _all_ I need."

That seems to do the trick, because she's on top of me in two seconds flat. Then it's warm breath against my mouth and hands on my hips and grunting.

I'm doing the grunting I think, because her thigh is pressing in just the right place. Making me rock up hard against her and grunting again when she finally just presses her mouth to my own.

I don't know what I expected kissing a girl would be like, because I haven't really thought of it all that much, but I'm not complaining as the taste of pancakes accompanies her tongue. Her tongue that swirls and tickles as it teases my own, making me rock harder and grunt more.

She pulls back and for a second or two I'm scared she's pulling away completely, so I follow her up and wrap my arms around her neck, keeping her face close to my own. Breathing her air, blinking in time with her.

"He's stupid to want all those other girls when he can have you."

Her voice is low and gruff, making my spine tingle and my center ache.

God, how she makes me ache. I feel the heat spreading through my body, my heart beating faster and my breath coming shorter.

"Anyone that thinks you're not enough, that this isn't enough..."

I bite my lip as I look her over. The flushed cheeks and the red lips. The way her breasts move when she breathes in and out, how her hands flex against my thighs, kneading the flesh there. God, she's more than enough.

I startle her when I tug her shirt up without warning, wanting it off, _now_. Needing to see the rest of her, needing to touch and be touched with nothing in between us. She helps pull it over her head and then my breath hitches as I take in her black bra, breasts firmly encased and clearly aroused. I watch in fascination as my hand covers one of the cups, my hand squeezing gently and I'm surprised when I enjoy the feel of her softness in my palm. When the feel of her nipple pebbling against my skin makes that deep ache between my thighs positively _burn_.

Then I'm pushing her back down and very much intending to kiss her stupid when she yelps and pushes me back up. She turns and I spot bits and pieces of pancake stuck to her lower back along with chocolate sauce.

I think we killed her pancakes.

We both burst out laughing, the kind you get when you're drunk and something funny happens. Where you laugh for so long you forget why you're laughing in the first place.

Then she catches my eye again and I stop laughing, because the heat flares again and suddenly we're back to being pressed together and kissing.

"You need to wash off the...the ...panCAKE!"

I gasp as her hand presses against me, rubbing firmly up and down against my panties and driving me insane!

"Where's the shower?"

The words are mumbled against the skin of my neck where her tongue is doing some exploring, along with her teeth and lips.

"Shower?"

She groans as the wetness seeping through my panties dampen her stroking fingers.

"Yeah, the shower, so I can get clean. So _we_ can get clean."

Oh fuck _yes_! The image off Carmen naked, with water dripping down her skin in little rivulets flood my mind and I'm up and dragging her towards the master bedroom.

The one with the huge shower.

Halfway there she pushes me up against a wall, her mouth hot and insistent upon my own as her hands lift the hem of my dress and tug it up. It's off and gone flying seconds later and I almost cry when she immediately pushed my bra down and her lips find my breasts.

The heat and the wetness of her mouth surrounds my left nipple and I cry out when she nips on it, her teeth grazing it lightly and forcing it to react, making me arch my back away from the wall. I don't wait for her to help me take the bra off completely, I just tug once, _hard_, and smile when I feel the catch give in the back. I don't care that I probably ripped it apart, I just care that she's still touching me, still sucking lightly and moaning with me.

Then the image of her in the shower invades my thoughts again and I push her away, thrilled when she almost growls at the action. I press my body into hers, wondering when the hell she got rid of her own bra, but too lost in the sensation of bare breast against bare breast to ask. Too lost in the heat that has me biting into the flesh of her shoulder when we finally hit the bathroom door and she slips her knee between my legs.

"Fuck, you're so hot."

The mumbled words make me quiver and I feel as a chill runs up my entire body, working a moan from me once again.

She flips us over and steers us towards the shower, her body glued to mine the whole way. Her hands on my thighs and her mouth on my skin.

I watch as she fumbles with the shower, her hands shaking as she tries to get the water running.

I shove her against the opposite side of the shower, her body making a load thud as it hits the wall and only eliciting a rather predatory smile from her.

She likes it rough I guess.

I turn the shower on quickly, gasping as the cold water hits my skin, but then Carmen's pressed up against my back and I don't care.

I don't care that she's ripping my panties off, because her hands are touching me then. Touching me _there_.

I shudder when she parts my folds and runs her finger up and down once, flicking over the sensitive bud at the top.

"Oh fuck, I made you so wet. _ I_ made _you_ wet."

Her breath comes in short gasps as she speaks and again it does things to me. Makes me clench my thighs shut, trapping her hand against me and I love the feel of it. I love how my body is finally getting something it's been craving for some time know. Finally feeling that alive again, feeling that wanted again.

I need to see her face, I need to see the want in her eyes. The want for me. So I turn around in her grip and I'm not disappointed with the view.

We're both panting and writhing against each other, the cold wall against my back as my thigh find her center the same time she pushes two fingers deep into me.

The sensation of her inside we and her warm wetness against me almost makes me come, but I hold myself in. I squeeze my eyes closed tightly as she starts moving inside me, feeling everything there is to feel. As she rocks against my thigh, dragging her wetness over my skin.

"Open your eyes."

I do it with some difficulty, but find the way she's staring so intensely at me as we move together so erotic that I keep them open.

Not once does she look away from my eyes, not when I start to shudder and moan as she runs her thumb over my clit, or when I feel her own thighs quiver and clamp down on my own. Not when I come so hard I scream and convulse around her fingers tightly.

Only when I in my state of shock still manage to press a hand against her, to fill her like she filled me, does she close her eyes. Does she bury her face in my neck and let me give to her what she gave to me.

I don't know how long we stood there, pressed up close and breathing hard in the torrent of water, but eventually my knees started to give out. I was beyond tired and satisfied and the only coherent thought in my jumbled, still intoxicated mind was that I need a bed.

A bed and naked Carmen.

So as gently as I could I pushed her away and shut off the shower, taking Carmen's hand and grabbing a towel on the way out the room. We dried off in silence, just looks and lingering touches floating between us.

Then I sigh as we fall into bed and she pulls the covers over us, her body immediately spooning around my back and her face pressed firmly into the nape of my neck.

"Thanks."

I feel more than hear the words against my skin and I find myself drunkenly smiling at the sensation.

"My pleasure."

Then I drift off to sleep, the alcohol and the soothing warmth of another body pressed against my own lulling me away swiftly. Not caring or prepared for what will happen tomorrow, when the alcohol and the sated warmth leave my mind clear.

-------------------------------

**So yeah, that happened. I guess you all think this happened a bit fast, but it had it's purpose and I hope I showed that there was a little more than blatant hooking up going on. Also it sets up a lot of things that's going to happen in future chapters, obviously! Anyway, this was my first attempt at a more descriptive sex scene, so feedback would be helpful. **


	21. Ashley versus THE FEAR!

**So here's me wanting to say thank you to all the reviewers. I can't say enough how much I appreciate the ongoing support from you guys. I love hearing from people that just caught up with the story and especially love the guys that consistently review every chapter. It's nice too know that you're still sticking around and not bored to death with this story yet!**

**I want to say a special thank you to the people that reviewed the last chapter despite the fact that they don't really care about the Kymen story line. A lot of readers are purely Spashley fans and don't bother with other couples, but you still read it and took the time to comment positively on it, so thank you! **

**Not to say that I only encourage positive comments, because if there's something that bugs you about the story or something, don't be shy to speak up. I don't honestly mind if you point it out to me or call me on it when I skip over something that you wanted me to write about. I remember a lot of people commented after I picked up a chapter without mentioning how Spencer and Ashley woke up together for the first time after the beach party, so I put it in a later chapter. What I'm trying to say is that I can at least attempt to fix something if I know what's wrong, you know? **

**So yeah, after that long thank you note, here follows the story. Which I do own, unlike the actual show or characters. Such a bummer that.**

Senior Year

Chapter 21

Ashley's point of view.

Did you know that Spencer mumbles in her sleep? Well she does. It's cute really, the way random words spill from her mouth every now and then. I've managed to decipher the words 'marshmallow' and 'hump'. Don't really know what to make of that, but I'm distracted by the way she flops onto her back and sighs. She was restless the whole night, not tossing and turning or anything, but not nearly as still as she was the night we fell asleep together on Kyla's bed. I didn't mind, actually found myself adjusting easily to her hands moving every now and then. Moving from my upper arm to down onto my hip, liking the way her leg changed from lying snugly between my own to being carelessly thrown over me. I loved that each time she did her shift, she somehow pulled me closer, somehow made us fit together better.

Last night, when I asked her if she was my girl, it was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time, but this morning made it worth it. Waking up next to her, feeling her warmth against me and the sense of safety I got from that helped a lot. I mean I'm not going to lie and say everything is alright now, that I'm not still scared stupid, because I am. I'm still so scared of what Spencer makes me feel that if I let it, it might choke me to death.

"Ash..."

Her voice pulls me out of that thought, drawing my eyes to her face as she smiles in the early morning light, her features soft and relaxed and showing she's still deeply in slumber.

Man she looks beautiful when she sleeps. Makes me want to lean over and kiss her, but the alarm clock, made out of steel I might add, is in her reach and I don't exactly think I could handle another hit to the head. I've learned my lesson about waking Spencer in that way. Yup, a shoe in the head will do that for you.

So I move back to the edge of the bed, 'cos being cautious never hurt right? I should probably just let her sleep, seeing as it is only something like six, but God damn I want to kiss her right now! So I poke her gently in the stomach, watch as she just wiggles her nose once and stays deep in dreamland. Okay, so poking is not effective.

I think about pinching her nose shut for all of half a second, but settle for tickling her exposed side rather. She gives a funny little snort and shuffles away from my questing fingers, rolling over and curling into a little ball. Big mistake on her part, 'cos her back is to me now. With her shirt riding _way_ up. I can't decide if I should drool over all that exposed skin for a bit or continue my mission. The mission wins when I think about the taste of her mouth on my tongue. Oh and if you're wondering what that is, think toffee. Or caramel, or a good mix of the two. Sweet and warm and...yeah, back to waking her up now.

This time I lightly run my nails over her lower back, making sure to keep the contact feather lite for maximum tickle benefit. I stifle a laugh as her body arches away from the touch, her head shooting up and turning my way. She's blurry eyed and red cheeked, but still pretty much the most wonderful thing I've ever lain my eyes on.

"Wha...you...uhm...ugh."

Her head drops back down onto the pillow and she sighs loudly, turning it into a yawn halfway through. I smile at her disheveled appearance and her obviously clouded mind. She's still so out of it, but it's beyond cute.

"Wow, I must look pretty bad in the morning if one of your first words after you see me is ugh."

She flops back onto her back and looks at me through heavy lidded eyes, my body reacting to the look without my consent as I feel my chest tighten and my breath hitch. Oh man, she's got 'come-to-bed-eyes' going on there. I mean okay, we're already in bed and everything, but you know the look I'm talking about. All sexy and tempting and stomach flutter inducing.

"Hmm...ugh."

Okay, so that was not what I wanted to hear there. Guess that was really just her waking up look then, not her this is me seducing you look or something. Damn!

Her eyes suddenly go big and she struggles up onto her elbows, hair mussed and going in all directions as she shakes her head once.

"No wait, that came out wrong! I meant the time! Like...ugh the time!"

I smile at her flustered words, liking how she's quick to reassure me, knowing that she's going to need to be doing that a lot. Not reassuring me about my looks obviously, but about us in general.

"I know, I was just teasing you. Now can we skip the good mornings and go directly to kissing?"

Spencer laughs as I move in closer now that I'm assured she's fully awake. Like I said before, the alarm clock near her is steel and I wasn't going to take any chances until I was sure she's a hundred percent in the land of the conscious.

"Uh uh."

With this she pulls the sheet over her head and I'm left suspended in the air above her. Confused I might add. I thought we were good with the kissing now. I thought at this point kissing would be encouraged even!

"Uh...Spence? Did I just miss something?"

She must hear the genuine confusion in my voice, because she peeks out from under the sheet and I can see she's smiling by the way her eyes scrunch up.

"Yeah, you missed the part were we both have morning breath."

Ah, morning breath. Usually I don't stick around to experience morning breath with someone else, so this has never been an issue for me. Hmm...what to do, what to do. To kiss anyway or not?

I must say I never thought I'd be torn about whether to kiss a girl without having brushed my teeth or not before. I'm also guessing my inner struggle is showing on my face, because Spencer giggles and rolls out from under me.

"Come on, I've got a spare toothbrush in my bathroom."

I find myself giggling with her when we both basically make a dash for her bathroom, Spencer struggling for long seconds to get the bright pink toothbrush out of its packaging while I put the toothpaste on her brush for her so long. Anything to get to the kissing quicker.

She gives an excited little 'Ah ha!' when she gets the wrapper off, stuffing the brush into my hand with a big smile. Seconds later the sound of bristles and teeth meeting can be heard as Spencer and I both brush vigorously, our eyes locked and smiling the whole time.

We make the mistake of both bending down towards the basin to spit out the toothpaste at the same time, our skulls making a loud crack as they connect. I pull back and put a hand to her head, immediately sorry that I hurt her, but she almost sprays me with toothpaste as she laughs. That does it for me and despite the fact that I've got foamy toothpaste bubbles running down my chin I pull her closer.

"Oh _screw_ this!"

Then we're kissing and all is good with the world. She tastes like spearmint and feels toasty warm against me, her bare thighs brushing my own and her hands holding me so tight against her I can barely breath. The urgency of the kiss fades and I find myself enjoying the fact that it's slow and languid now. That she takes her time to kiss me, to taste me fully like no one else has ever done. I've had blind passion before, it's actually all I've really know, but with Spencer it's different. I like that we're kissing simply for the sake of kissing, that there's no expectation for anything more. I like that she kisses me like we have all the time in the world, all the days of our lives to explore this. Her slow kiss is a promise that I want to take to heart.

I sigh probably the happiest sigh of my life when she pulls back finally, giving me back the breath she stole so sweetly. God, this girl is turning me into _such_ a sappy loser. If this ever got out my reputation would be _ruined_.

"G'morning."

Her voice is soft and throaty, lower than I've ever heard it before and I feel my knees get weak. Yup, I'm whipped. Lost and whipped and so deep in I might never see sunlight again and that makes the fear pull at my stomach again. Giving me that dropping sensation that brings nausea and dizziness, because if I lose this...if I lose her...

I'm startled as a wash cloth is dragged across my mouth and chin, wiping away the traces of minty foam left in the wake of our kiss.

"Thanks and good morning to you too."

Spencer frowns slightly as my quiet voice registers with her, her eyebrows shooting up high on her forehead.

"Uh...is something wrong?"

I almost hate that she picked up on my change of mood so quickly, the fact that I'm already an open book to her adding to my worry. Everything is just happening so quickly, feelings just developing so strongly and I just need a moment to breathe and take everything in I think. I just need to settle my thoughts, because I do trust Spencer. I believed her when she said she wouldn't leave me, but...

But people sometimes leave without it being their choice and I've learned that time and time again. The hard way.

"Hey, nothings wrong, I just realized I better get out of here before your mom comes home, you know?"

I don't like the way the half lie easily slips from between my lips, but I need to go. I need to settle all this inside myself, because it's not fair to her that I doubt this. That I jump into this half assed like I do with a lot of other things in my life. I don't want my issues to hurt her, because as much as the thought of me hurting scares me, the thought of Spencer hurting _because of me_ is unthinkable. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if she shed a single tear because of something I did, so I owe it to her to pull myself together.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I kinda forgot about my mom there for a second. It's just...Monday is so far away."

She gives me a wistful look and I pull her closer for a hug. Needing to somehow show her that I feel the same, despite the thoughts mulling around in my head that she's not even aware of. She gives a small sigh and kisses my neck, lingers there for a few seconds longer before pushing me away.

"Go and get dressed while I fix my hair or something."

She smiles as she says this and shoves me out the door, pulling it halfway closed to give me some privacy. I quickly change into my clothes from the day before, running my hands through my own hair trying to fix the damage the nights sleep and the pillow did.

When Spencer finally steps out the bathroom I'm ready to go and she walks me to her front door, not much being said on the way. The house is quiet, save for the sound of either Glen or Mr Carlin snoring away somewhere and neither one of us wants to disrupt that.

Before she pulls the door open though she gives me a smile, one filled with contentment and affection. It makes my heart beat almost painfully in my chest as guilt runs through me. Guilt at the part of me that's still telling me to run, to protect my heart. Guilt that she's letting me in without a second thought while I struggle with myself. Still, I love this girl and I'm going to get over this feeling, this fear. I just need a little time, that's all. I've got hope, I found it yesterday while Aiden danced and little kids bugged their mothers for 'just one more game, please!'. I found that hope and I'm not going to let it slip away, not when Spencer's heart is on the line and not while my own is on the line.

"I'll pick you up Monday morning?"

She nods and lands a soft kiss on my cheek, her hand squeezing my fingers quickly.

"Yeah, that'll be nice. Call me later?"

I nod and walk to my car, liking that I can still feel her eyes on me as I go. As I pull away I blow her a kiss, just to see her smile one more time before I head home to what promises to be a long, exhausting weekend of me trying to sort out the fucked up mess my head is in.

The drive to my house is short, seeing as there's no traffic around. I sit in my car for a while, just remembering the night before. How it was nice to watch a movie with Spencer and her dad, how he reminded me a little of my own Dad before he...went away. My dad cried when Mufasa died. We went and watched the Lion King at some cinema that was showing it again when I was eight and I remember my Dad crying, remembered taking his big hand into my own little one and squeezing it tight. He'd leaned over and kissed the top of my head, whispering something about the dust and allergies, but I knew better. My dad was a softie beneath the 'Rockstar' appearance. When he was around, he was the best dad ever and I loved him so much. That didn't stop the universe from taking him away though.

I sigh and feel the prick of old tears in my eyes, mad that I'm still such a huge pussy when it comes down to stuff like this.

I don't know how long I sat there staring out my windshield while listening to Rilo Kiley playing in the background, but I'm pulled out of my sad little daze when I spot Kyla positively _slinking_ towards the front door.

And may I add she looks completely ruffled. Her dress is crinkled and her shoes are in her hand, her hair frizzy and she's pale as a ghost. Someone obviously got stupid drunk last night. Trust me, I can spot the aftermath of a night of drunken debauchery from miles away.

Hey, aren't you impressed that I know the word debauchery? Yup, I'm brains and beauty people, remember that!

She's struggling to get her key in the door when I sneak up behind her, my hand on her shoulder causing a little yelp and the keys to drop with a clink on the front step.

Also Kyla immediately turns and pukes in the flowerbed.

Sympathy puker, people!

I can feel Pappa Carlin's pizza from the night before turning in my stomach as the smell of vomit reaches me. Christ on a bicycle that's _nasty_!

I take a hasty step back, because I_ so_ don't plan on seeing more of that as I take in a lung full of fresh air in the hopes of settling my own stomach. Not that it's helping, because I can still hear Kyla retching into the flowers.

I give her a minute to finish the spectacular display of upchucking whatever it is she drank last nigh before I step closer again.

"Uh...you done?"

Kyla just gives a small nod and gestures to the door and I'm quick to get the hint. I unlock the door with her keys and push her inside fast, not wanting to linger in the smell of vomit for any longer than necessary.

Once inside I let my eyes trail over Kyla's face, the dark eyes with even darker circles underneath, the rather prominent hickey in the crook of her neck and silently point upstairs. She just nods and we head up the stairs, making a detour in the nearest bathroom so Kyla can gulp down water.

Then we both collapse onto my bed, well I collapse and Kyla gingerly lays herself down.

"So..."

I let my voice trail off, waiting for Kyla to start the conversation off, because I know there's a conversation to be had by the look of her. I can count on my one hand the times I've seen Kyla in a state like this. I mean the girl parties, but not to this extent usually.

That was usually my department.

"I might have fucked up last night."

Kyla doesn't generally curse, says that cursing is for people that aren't smart enough to express themselves in words that aren't of the four letter category and belonging in a trailer park. So her saying that makes me worry.

Is it selfish of me to not want to have to worry about her while I'm worrying about me and Spencer?

Ugh, don't answer that.

I'll play the good little stepsister for once, seeing as she had to listen to me going on about Spencer that once. I'm just not sure I'll be any good at it. Emotional retard, remember?

"Uh...you wanna talk about it?"

She makes a grunting noise and throws an arm over her eyes.

"Uh...do you want me to throw up again?"

Oh fuck no!

I'd have to burn these sheets and they're nice, if the light catches them just right they look almost the same blue as Spencer's eyes when she's all hot and bothered. It's safe to say I love these sheets.

"No! I just thought you wanted to maybe vent or something, but quiet is good too. I could use it myself right about now."

Her arms lift and she gives me a quick look before dropping her arm back down.

"Quiet is good. First though, where were you last night that you're only coming home now?"

I feel myself blush, not sure why, because Spencer and I spent the night together in the most innocent sense of the word.

Okay, my hand may have _accidentally_ been on her boob when I woke up, but that was totally out of my control! I can't be held responsible for the things my hands get up to when I'm unconscious.

"Oh, I uh...I ended up staying over at Spencer's house."

Kyla gave a small smile, even though the act was so out of place on her hungover self and I felt my heart beat a little warmer.

Here she was, probably feeling like crap and obviously upset over something, but she still finds it in herself to be happy for me.

Yeah, she's the better stepsister. She might just be the better person period.

"I'm glad to hear that. I'm assuming things are...good between you?"

I nod my head, because despite the thoughts running through my head and the fear that clutches my chest tightly, things are good. They're better than I can ever remember them being when I think of Spencer's smile and her smell and her kiss and the taste of her toothpaste still lingering in my mouth.

"Things are good and I'm starting to think that if I just...work some stuff through, they might just end up great."

Kyla nods her head and then groans, the movement obviously shooting pain through her head.

"Like I said, I'm glad to hear that. You want to talk about the...stuff you have to work through?"

I think it over for a second, not comfortable that I've been letting my guard down with not just Spencer but Kyla too these last few weeks. I'm thinking that baby steps are in order here, so I shake my head no and sit up.

"Now I think you should hop in the shower and I'll make you some toast or something. The parents are coming back today and I don't think they'd be happy to see you looking like the walking dead." I pause as I give her another once over. "And you might want to wear something that covers that hickey."

She groans again and gets up, trudging to the door while she shakes her head slowly.

"God damn showers..."

Then I find myself alone in my room, my eyebrows crunched together as I try to figure out what she's got against showers now. I don't imagine it's a buddhist thing, right? I mean what could a shower ever have done to buddha?

Shaking my head I figure I've got more important things to think about, so I head downstairs to get Kyla's toast ready and get to the thinking. I doubt I'll get everything figured out before Monday at school, but it's worth a try. It's better than having to face the fact that I might always be this scared. That for the rest of my life I might have to worry and wonder when things will go wrong again, when Spencer will leave me like everyone else I've loved has done.

Halfway down the stairs the thought occurs to me that maybe everyone has to live with that fear. That everyone has something to lose and that we all live with that hanging over our heads. Some just don't realize it or maybe they just hide it better. Maybe most people just except that fact and get on with their lives.

Maybe it's time I started doing that, excepting it and just enjoying the time, however long it ends up being, that I have with Spencer by my side.

So I smile and resume my walk down the stairs, completely ignoring the little voice in my head taunting me. The words that echo softly as I stuff bread into the toaster.

_Yeah, remember that when you or the world fuck things up again and you lose her..._

_------------------------------------_

_**So yeah, that started out fluffy and ended up angsty, but it had to be done. Hope the story's not boring you at this point, because I know it's not exactly the most exciting chapter I've ever written, but yeah, there you have it. Hope you liked. Oh and would you prefer Spencer next or Kyla? I'm not sure who to do next. (Uh...did that just sound dirty to anyone else?LOL)**_


	22. Kyla and a case of denial

_**So here's a chapter from Kyla's point of view. I was surprised that more people where interested in hearing from Kyla than Spencer, but either way was good for me. Thanks for those that commented , it's always nice hearing from you guys. It helps to keep the updates coming!**_

_**Okay, it's not mine, so no suing!**_

_**Here be a bad word or two and some suggestive talk. If that bothers you...uhm...don't read I guess. **_

Senior Year

Chapter 22

Kyla's (sober) point of view.

Oh dear, sweet mother of God, what have I _done_?

That question has been haunting me for days now, _days_! Ever since I woke up on Saturday morning it's been running through my mind constantly. That same question over and over and over again, but worse than that is the images I can't seem to escape. The images that flood my mind the minute I close my eyes at night, that creep in when I'm in English class or Spanish class or every other class I'm in.

The image of Carmen's face as she watched me, how her eyes had _burned_ me while her hands...while her hands...

Oh God, what have I _done_?!

I can't get that fragmented memory of Friday night out of my head. I mean I know it was my idea, I _know_ that, but God, what was I thinking? I mean I was angry at Aiden, really angry, but enough to sleep with Carmen? How was that my best idea ever?

Okay, I was drunk and so was she and we all know that Tequila leads you to do some strange things, but sex? With Carmen, whose a girl? Worse than that even, she's the girl my best friend had just broken up with! What kind of a friend does that? I currently suck on so many levels.

Of course all of this fades in comparison to what I did later, after the shower sex and the snuggling. You see, I might have woken up near five and kinda...well...we...I...

We did it again, okay?!

And God knows I want to blame it on the Tequila or demon possession or something, but I can't. I was sober by then. Stone cold sober. How am I supposed to explain that? I can't rationalize it away and I can't blame it on anything other than the fact that when I woke up with her pressed up against me I just couldn't help myself.

It just felt so good. She was so warm against me, her skin soft and smooth as it brushed against my own and somehow I found my hand tracing that skin and she was kinda moaning and then I was just lost. Worse still is that I think she might have been as lost as I was. It was plastered on her face the whole time, the helplessness to stop what was happening. The way she pulled away from the kiss, the way she closed her eyes and breathed so deeply only to groan and lean in again. The way I think she might have been close to tears when I made her...when she...when she came.

Oh God, seriously, what have I _done_?!

Someone please just put me out of my misery, like just beat me over the head with something or shoot me or feed me to your pet Iguana, I don't care as long as you end my torment.

Just end the thought that scares me even more than anything else, the thought that I might want to do that again. That nothing and no one has ever made me feel the way I felt when Carmen touched me. That the way she looks at me now excites me more than all the kisses I ever shared with Clay, the boy that was supposed to be my first love. That Aiden putting his arm around my shoulders doesn't even elicit a shiver like it used to. She's just ruined me for other people, the bitch!

This is just so Jerry Springer, you know? I mean a few days ago I was longing after my stepsister's ex-boyfriend who got her knocked up and now I'm in lust with my best friend's ex-_girlfriend_. I'm seriously expecting someone to start chanting 'Jerry, Jerry, Jerry' every time I enter a room. That might just be the guilt talking though. Or not, because I swear everyone can see it on my face. I swear the words I had hot, dirty lesbian sex with Salvation Army Barbie is pretty much tattooed on my forehead.

Which brings me to what? Question nine hundred and ninety nine? Am I gay now? Or Bi? Or just really, really desperate? Was this me trying to spite Aiden, because if that was the idea it really backfired on me.

Ugh! This is just all so frustrating, because it's not like I can talk about it with someone. If I tell Spencer she might get mad at me, if I tell Ashley she'll probably just use it as an excuse to go kill Carmen and if I talk to Aiden? Uh, yeah, that's not happening. I think he'd drown me in pool of drool or something.

Of course there is one person I could talk to, but I've been avoiding her the whole week. She tried to corner me on Monday, but I basically ran away as fast as I could. Broke a heel and spent the rest of the day limping along with as much dignity as I could muster. Tuesday she tried to drag me into a bathroom after sneaking up on me, but I stomped on her foot and moved my cute behind to class. Then I felt like crap when I spotted her limping around for the rest of Tuesday. Mind you, that made us even for the Jimmy Choo's she ruined on Monday.

I was only mildly disappointed when she gave up on Wednesday, but I shook it off as best I could. It's not like I care about her in _that_ way so why stress it! I'm just attracted to her. Crazy attracted. Like, my skin burns whenever I feel her eyes on me and I have to sit on my hands to keep them for reaching out and just dragging her to me and doing things to her. Naughty, _naughty_ things.

Now if that's not enough of a problem, there's Spencer. She feels like crap for using Carmen, feels that she owes it to her to at least get her to be friends again. The thing is Carmen is avoiding her like the plague and Spencer's feeling worse everyday about it and I'm pretty sure if nothing happened between me and Carmen than she'd be sitting right here at the lunch table with us despite the break up between her and Spencer. Carmen needs friends, that much is obvious to me and I'm pretty much the reason she's sitting alone somewhere.

Boys are so much less complicated than this. Why oh why did I ever go and sleep with her?

I feel eyes on me again, but the lack of searing flesh let's me know it's not Carmen watching me. I look up to find Spencer's eyes on me, her face slightly scrunched up. She's trying to figure out what's going on with me, I can tell. She's been doing it all week, giving me these softly probing glances from time to time. I hate that she knows me well enough to sense something is wrong, because it just makes me feel more guilty.

"You okay, Kyla? You're a little quiet."

She gives me her sweet Spencer smile and I feel the weight of Friday night settle on my shoulders again. I'm such a bad friend.

"Hmm...she's probably still recovering from her hangover. You should have seen her on Saturday morning, Spence. She was all pale and tired and I told you about the vomiting in the flowerbeds, so it's no surprise she's still looking half dead if you ask me."

I give Ashley a whithering look, but it doesn't last as I take in the two of them sitting close together at our lunch table. They look so comfortable sitting almost on each other's laps, their hands finding innocent places to touch the whole time. Spencer's hand resting on Ashley's arm for a few seconds as they talk, Ashley fixing Spencer's shirt collar and dragging her fingers over her neck subtly. I see all of this and I find a genuine smile to give to Spencer, because I did one good thing despite the mess I'm sitting in now. Ashley and Spencer are together and I don't think I've seen either of them so happy before. Well, there's still a look in Ashley's eyes sometime that worry me...

"I'm okay, Spencer. Just thinking that maybe I should go talk to Carmen for you."

Ashley scowls and Spencer smiles at my words. I'm a little torn about this, but I think it's the right thing to do. I maybe owe it to Carmen to not take this away from her, the friendship that Spencer is offering her. I know that Ashley doesn't like it, it's written clear as day on her face, but I know she's got nothing to worry about. Spencer is all hers and anyone with eyes can see that.

"You think we've given her enough time to get over...uh...the thing that I did to her? I mean I only did t_he thing_ on Friday."

Oh, Spencer, if you only knew what _I_ ended up doing to her on Friday. Is it wrong that I'm wanting to at least brag a little about the fact that I made her shudder and gasp? Yeah, probably not the smartest thing on earth to be saying right now. Besides, I'm supposed to be freaking out about all of that, not feeling proud that I happen to rock at sex. _All_ sex, the gay kind included.

Well, that being said, let's get back to me freaking out.

"I know, but the longer you leave it, the harder it might be. I think it might be good to at least invite her to have lunch with us. Hey, you didn't happen to see where she's sitting, did you?"

I need to do this now, because I'm sure I'm going to chicken out if I think about this any longer. I need to just suck it up and talk to her, try and sort things out between her and Spencer as well as between us.

"I think I saw her head to the library."

I leave without another word, hoping my legs won't give out before I get there, because I'm scared stupid right now. I'm going to be face to face with Carmen and we're going to talk. After I ran out on Saturday morning and left her alone in my Mom's apartment sleeping like a log. A very satisfied, naked log. With soft hair splayed across the pillow and sunlight shining on her naked breasts.

Crap! I think I'm going to hyperventilate! No more naked Carmen thoughts, Kyla! Those are bad. Bad, bad, bad!

I shake the image off as best I can and trudge my way into the library. I don't really spend a lot of time here, so it takes me a minute or two of aimless wandering between shelves before I spot her. She's sitting head down at a table in the back, pretty much out of sight of the rest of the library.

When I stop behind her I can see her back tense and I remember the way the muscles felt under my fingertips when she arched and moaned my name. Oh God, this was the second stupidest idea I've had in the last few days.

I whirl around, fully intending to get the hell out of dodge when a firm hand closes around my wrist.

"If you run away again I swear to God I'll tackle you, Tink."

I stand for a moment contemplating her words. I'm wearing flat shoes today, so I can run without much hassle, but if she does tackle me things could get problematic. We were pretty evenly matched that night at the beach party, so we'd only end up writhing on the floor getting no where. Writhing...pressed close to each other...limbs tangling...

"Uh...I'm not going to run, so you can let go. I just want to talk."

I'm not surprised when she doesn't let go, just pulls me down into the chair next to her. I hate that a shiver runs up my spine when her grip loosens and her fingers start to gently draw circles on the soft flesh of my inner wrist.

"Are we gonna talk about Friday night?"

All the while she talks to me, her eyes are on my lips. Those intensely blue eyes, even more striking because of the contrasting dark eye liner, watch me and I hate that I can feel my heartbeat pick up.

"If we have to, but first I want to talk about Spencer. She wants you guys to be friends and I think you want that too. You like her after all."

I feel something pull at my stomach then, maybe something a little like jealousy, because it's true, Carmen does like Spencer. She liked her a lot, enough to cry in the bathroom after the break up.

"I do like her, but I doubt her new girlfriend is going to appreciate me hanging around. Besides, I don't think I like her like _that_ anymore. I think someone else may have caught my eye."

I swallow when she suddenly sits closer to me, her face a few inches from my own.

"There's someone else?"

There's something palpable in the air as she shifts closer again, her hand going from softly stroking my wrist to running up my arm and cupping my neck. A soft thumb lays itself against my pulse point and I hate that she can probably feel how fast the blood is pumping through my body right now.

"Yeah, there's someone else. Someone that's sexy and smart, but also a huge pain in the ass and pretty much conceited. Someone that makes me so mad I just want to strangle her, but that made me come harder than ever before in my life."

The last bit is whispered in my ear, her voice so low and gruff it scrapes down my spine and takes all intelligent thought with it.

"Someone that I want and that I'll have, because I'm tired of having nothing. Someone that challenges me and fits me so well it's almost scary, because I never saw it until it was thrust in my face. Someone that I won't let run away, even if she doesn't see what I see yet."

Then a light kiss is pressed to my temple, her lips lingering there for just a second or two.

"I'm going to make you see, Kyla."

Please God let me not be drooling. Aiden's the drooler, not me. I'm the cool one, the all knowing Kyla that has everything under control. Not a blubbering mess that's five seconds away from spontaneously combusting!

Then without another word she gets up and walks away, leaving me sitting there. Hot and bothered. Confused. Scared shitless even.

Finally my brain snaps out of it's daze and I get up shakily, my legs kinda wobbly for some reason. I'm trying to tell myself it has nothing to do with what Carmen said or the way her voice sounded so resolved, so resolute. It has nothing to do with the fact that her words excited me a little.

I make my way out the library and catch up to her in the hallway. I almost make the mistake of putting my hand on her shoulder, but I stop myself. Touching is a bad idea, especially since my heart still seems to be beating out of my chest.

"Carmen, wait a second. I thought you wanted to talk about Friday night? I mean aren't you mad about Saturday morning?"

I'm not exactly proud that I just left her there and ran off, but I was freaked out! You'd be too if you woke up naked next to a girl that irritates the living daylights out of you.

"Of course I'm mad about Saturday morning. You left me there alone after a night that pretty much blew my mind, but I get it. You're upset about it, confused probably, so I can't hold it against you. I just kinda wish you'd stuck around so we could have talked."

I shake my head and step back from her, trying to do what I know is right. I'm not gay and I don't like her, we just seem to have a natural physical chemistry together. Nothing that I can't ignore until it just goes away.

"Look, in the end there's not much to talk about. We were both a bit depressed, got drunk and...did some stuff we shouldn't have. There's nothing more to it than that. It was a mistake and we should just try and move on from it. I mean we don't even like each other all that much! The only reason we even hung out is because of Spencer. Now I think we should just forget it ever happened, because there's nothing there. So you should just come and sit with us and everything will go back to normal."

Carmen steps closer, her eyes bright and intense as they look me square in the eye, her breath warm against my own lips as she speaks.

"There's something there, Kyla, and I told you I'm going to make you see it too. So you can go on telling yourself that nothing happened, but I'm not going to let that fly for long. You're stuck with me now, Tink. Get used to it."

Then she turns and struts down the hall towards the door leading to the quad and I hate that my eyes seem to be glued to her ass as she walks. Gah! When did I turn into such a guy?! I shake my head and follow her outside, my lip almost chewed through when I reach the table where Spencer and Ashley, as well as Aiden and now Carmen, is sitting.

An Ashley that's scowling at Carmen whose giving Spencer a reassuring smile, while Aiden sits touching his broken nose gently.

Oh God, I'm going to have to sit at a table with Carmen and Aiden! Carmen who I slept with and Aiden whose supposed to be the boy of my dreams. Okay, I think I might hyperventilate again.

"So, I guess I just want to say right off the bat that you don't have to burn holes in me with your eyes, Ashley. Spencer made it clear I'm out of the picture and that's okay with me. You have no worries where I'm concerned. I'm just happy that she's happy."

Carmen's quiet words, seeing as we are in a quad filled with other people who have no idea that either Spencer or Ashley are gay, seem to surprise Ashley for a second. Ashley just gives her a look and then shifts closer, if that was at all possible, to Spencer and nods her head.

"Good, 'cos I'll end you if you just look at her in the wrong way."

I feel my eyebrows shoot up at Ashley's obviously possessive tone, the blatant threat and the fact that she said it loud and clear, disregarding the fact that anyone could have heard her.

"Ashley!"

Spencer frowns as she looks at Ashley, clearly not having expected her to basically threaten Carmen with bodily harm.

"What? Was that too much?"

Spencer gives a half smile and rolls her eyes at Ashley's faux innocent expression and I just shake my head, because I can see Spencer grab Ashley's hand underneath the table and lace their fingers together. I wonder whose more whipped, Spencer or Ashley?

"Hey, no worries. I get where she's coming from. There's nothing wrong with claiming what's yours."

I find myself swallowing nervously at Carmen's words, at the way her eyes settle on me, like with that look she's claiming me. I do the only thing I can think of to do then, I settle myself next to Aiden and give him a wide smile as I take a look at his nose.

"It looks better today, the swelling has gone down nicely. Does it still hurt?"

I let my finger trail gently over his cheek, trying to block out the way Carmen is watching me with an amused smile on her lips.

Aiden for his part perks up considerably with this, his lips curling into that wide smile of his before he flinches and stops mid smile. I guess the nose still hurts.

"It hurts a bit, but I'll be fine in no time."

He gives me a look, a look that promises so many things and I feel myself swallow hard. That look used to mean the world to me, it use to be enough, but now? Now it just leaves me a little cold. Damn you, Ghetto Barbie, damn you!

Things go on as they always have surprisingly enough. Spencer and Ashley sit and gaze at each other in a shy way, the way you do when everything is new in a relationship and you're still a little awed and surprised that things seem to be working out. I pick at my salad until Carmen throws one of her sandwiches at me, all the while having a conversation with Aiden about whose hotter; Sophia Bush or Rachel Bilson.

Then the bell rings and we all get up to head to class, everyone except Spencer giving a loud groan. Spencer actually likes school, I don't get it, but I guess it takes all kinds, right? Aiden gives me a half smile and wanders over to where Glen is standing with some of the other guys on the basketball team as Ashley and Spencer walk off. Ashley trying to get Spencer to give her the books she got from her locker before lunch to carry and Spencer blushing lightly as she swats her hands away. I smile as I watch them, but then a warm hand settles at the small of my back and lips brush my ear as Carmen leans into me.

"I can't remember if I told you this that night, but thank you for being there for me. Thank you for everything you did that night and for everything you let me do. It really was amazing." Then a warm kiss is pressed to my neck. "Just don't think for a minute that that's going to be our last amazing night together."

With a grin so full of meaning and eyes that are softer than the words would lead you to believe, she walks away from me.

-----------------------------------

**Alrighty, so I hope you enjoyed that. I wasn't going to have Carmen be so okay with everything, but then something one of the reviewers said made me think it would be fun to have Carmen actively chase Kyla. I also wasn't going to have them sleep together more than once that fateful night, but once again something a reviewer said made me rethink that. This way I can also write a love scene from Carmen's point of view in a chapter or two. I don't think it will be very smutty, but I will add it in when it's her chapter again. Okay, so Spencer's next I guess. If you liked the chapter, let me know, if you didn't, please take the time to tell me what was bugging you about it. Your input helps a lot!**


	23. Spencer versus the need

_**To all those that reviewed, as usual I thank you and want you to know I seriously appreciate it! I noticed that less people seem to be reading, so if it's the lack of Spashley in some chapter's that's the problem, let me know. I realize I've been writing some Kymen heavy chapters and though they seem to have amazing support, some people still don't really care about other couples but Spashley. If so, this chapter should rectify some of that hopefully. It's all Spashley basically.**_

_**Also, I should mention this chapter turned out a bit different then I planned. Things kind of ran away from me for a bit, so...uh...be warned! Here be some naughty touching people! Oh and swear words.**_

_**I still don't own SoN, but if I did? I so wouldn't have canceled it! **_

Senior Year

Chapter 23

Spencer's point of view.

For the second time in as many days I find myself walking. Of course this time I don't mind so much, because I'm walking to Ashley's house for a date. Yup, our first official date. She warned me that it wasn't anything fancy, just us two having dinner at her house and watching a movie or something afterwards. I mean it's not like we can go to the movies together and make out in the back row or go dancing without outing ourselves. So a mutual decision was made and dinner at her house seemed safest.

Not that I wanted to go to the movies or dancing or to a restaurant, because the promise of a whole evening spent alone with Ashley in the privacy of her house is pretty much the perfect date to me. I mean I don't think I have to tell you that I'm completely and utterly head over heels for the girl. So having her all to myself is kinda how I like it at the moment.

I look down at myself, still a little worried that I'm under dressed, but she promised me a pretty casual evening, so jeans and nice shirt has to do. I picked a blue shirt though, because the way Ashley looks at me when I wear blue always makes me a little giddy. Her eyes glow with something that makes my pulse quicken and my breath shorten.

I don't think I've ever been as happy as I've been these last few days. I mean everything just seemed to fall into place for me. Ashley wants me as much as I've always wanted her and despite everything that happened between me and Carmen, she's sticking around as a friend.

Not that Ashley's too happy about that fact, her little possessive warning at lunch the other day made that clear as day. I mean she's got nothing to worry about and I told her as much, but if I'm honest I kinda liked her reaction. It did things to me when she said that. The tone of her voice and the look in her eye all culminating in me getting a little...uhm...warm in some awkward places. Warm and...you know...wet.

Still, that all aside, it's nice to be able to call Carmen my friend. I do genuinely like her, but never in the same way as I like Ashley. As I...love Ashley.

Now here's maybe the only thing that worries me a little these days. I'm very much in love with her and every day it's harder not to say it. I mean I know it's too soon, that she'd probably freak out if I blurted it out like I expect myself to end up doing, but there's a big part of me that just wishes I could say it and be done with it.

Not that I'm going to let that happen tonight, because tonight is about fun. Tonight is about getting to know one another better and hopefully making out until one or both of us pass out from lack of air.

Have I mentioned that she's like the best kisser ever? I mean okay, I don't have all that much experience, but hells bells that chick can kiss. She just knows where to put her hands and when to nibble on my lip or do that thing were she sucks my tongue into her mouth. Which is way hotter than it sounds by the way. I mean you wouldn't think it when I put it like that, but man, that tongue sucking thingy she does drives me wild!

Uhm...anyway, so she's a really good kisser. She's also a really good hand holder and hugger and snuggler. She's just all good, all the time.

This all spurs me on to walk a little faster, because the sooner I get there the sooner I get to kiss 'n snuggle. Who'd have thought a few months back that this was how things would work out for me. I went from pining from a distance to living my dream basically. God, life is good right now.

Well, maybe I spoke just a tad bit too soon, now didn't I?

Bloody clouds! Bloody thunder! Where the hell did you all come from?!

Suddenly walking to Ashley's house seems kinda stupid, because I just realized that the clouds have been darkening steadily all day. That for the last half an hour or so I could actually smell the rain on the air. So why did I decide to walk when in the back of my mind I realized it might rain?

Too late now, because a fat, heavy drop just plowed into my eye. And my nose and two or three plunked down on my bare head. Great, just great. Just freaking great!

There's a clap of thunder and the sound is so close and so loud that it vibrates through my body, making my breath hitch in surprise. I'm by no means afraid of thunder, but I also know it's not exactly wise to be out wondering in it, so I fold my arms over my chest, duck my head down and walk even faster down the street.

By the time I see Ashley's house I'm soaked to the bone and shivering, the wind that picked up blowing icily against my wet body. I'm pretty sure I've also turned an interesting shade of purple and that my fingers may fall off if I don't warm them up soon.

Who knew Los Angeles had this kind of weather?

I'm halfway up the long driveway when I spot Ashley casually leaning with her back against the door frame, her face turned up towards the angry sky. Something about the way she holds herself tightly, the way her eyes seem to be closed shut firmly makes my last few steps worried and hurried.

Also apparently clumsy, because I'm not six feet from her when the thunder claps loudly again and I slip on the wet tiles that make up the path to her front door. My yelp as my butt hits the ground is thankfully drowned out by the sound of the pounding rain and thunder. Still something must have tipped her off that she wasn't alone anymore, because her head tilts slowly to the left and for a second she just stares at me flat on my butt in the pouring rain. Then she blinks once slowly.

"Spence? What the hell..."

I give her a lopsided smile as she quickly ducks out the door and walks over, giving me a hand up.

"I kinda slipped."

She shakes her head and gives me a quick smile, all the while pulling me in through the front door. Once inside I feel myself blush as I stand dripping water all over her floor, my shoes making a funny squeeking sound when I shift my weight from my left foot to my right. For some strange reason it feels kinda awkward for a moment. I find myself coughing softly into the silence as Ashley just stands there and watches me with this far off expression in her eyes.

Then she seems to snap out of it.

"Um...are you okay? You didn't brake your butt bone or anything?"

Butt bone?

"Uh...my what?"

Ashley takes a step closer and I feel myself blush again when she lays her hand on my left butt cheek, softly rubbing the abused area.

"Uh...yeah. Your butt bone. I knew this guy once that had a bad fall on his skate board and he broke that little bone in his butt. He couldn't sit properly for weeks."

Oh right, my tail bone. She couldn't have just said tail bone, now could she?

"Right, no my tail bone is fine. Everything intact, probably bruised, but intact."

She gives me a smile and my ass a squeeze before stepping back and letting her eyes drift over me.

"Crap! You're all wet! I thought your brother would drop you off, other wise I would have come to pick you up myself."

She rubs her hands over my frozen arms and frowns when she feels the fine tremors running through me.

"Glen went out earlier and my parents went to a charity dinner thing hosted by me mom's hospital, so..."

I shrug my shoulders and she pulls me nearer, her warm body suddenly flush against my own as her arms go around me tightly.

"You should have called me, 'cos now you're probably going to get sick or something. I mean Christ, you're shivering like a leaf and about as warm as an eskimo's ass!"

I almost frown at the tone in her voice, the way she sounds half angry at me. So okay, walking in the rain and thunder was probably not my smartest move, but it's not like I planned it that way.

"Uh...it wasn't like this when I left the house, I really didn't plan on getting caught in the rain. Do you think you could borrow me a towel or something?"

She shakes her head quickly and bites her lip, seemingly realizing she was being a bit harsh. She flashes me a soft smile and what ever annoyance I felt at her tone is gone.

"Yeah, of course. Just go up to my room and I'll get you a towel and stuff. Oh and before I forget..."

Then she pulls me close again and kisses me firmly on the mouth, her lips warm against my own cold ones for a few seconds.

"Hi."

I smile and feel my heart beating a little faster, pumping slowly warming blood through my body that little bit quicker.

"Hi yourself."

A second or two passes by with just her eyes and my own locked together, just taking in the sight of the other. Then a hand pats my abused bottom again and a small half smile plays around the corners of her incredibly beautiful mouth.

"Come on, head up to my room and I'll be right there."

So I do as I'm told, walking to her room and realizing that I really am pretty much a walking ice block, my skin matching the blue of my shirt to a tee. By the time she walks in her bedroom door I've shrugged off my Converse and managed to catch a glimpse of myself in her mirror.

So I don't really pull of the drowned rat look if you were wondering.

"Come here."

She hands me a towel and a terry cloth robe, gesturing to my wet clothes.

"You should just take that all off and let it dry in the bathroom."

I look down on my shirt that's clinging to my body, to the jeans that seem to have vacuum sealed itself to my legs. Then I look to see Ashley doing the same thing, her eyes flashing in that way that makes my breath come faster and shorter. I notice that her tank top is pretty much soaked through as well from hugging me, her skirt sporting to wet patches from where my thighs pressed against her own.

"Sorry I got you wet too."

She just gives me a smile and shoves me in the direction of her bathroom door.

After a few seconds in the bathroom trying to get my buttons undone I let out a frustrated sigh. My fingers are all numb and dumb from the cold, making it impossible to get the buttons through the stupid little holes!

With a sigh I turn back towards the door and push it open, realizing I'm going to have to ask Ashley to help me. I spot her still standing where I left her, a soft smile on her face as she stares at my discarded shoes.

"Uhm, Ash?"

She looks up at me with questioning eyes.

"Hmm?"

I give a nervous smile and fight down the blush that wants to creep up my chest.

"Could you maybe help me with the buttons? My fingers are a little frozen and aren't really cooperating right now."

Without a word she walks over to me, standing close as she starts on the top button of my shirt. She doesn't blush and she doesn't tremble, her fingers just steadily work their way down my shirt, button by button. For some unknown reason it isn't as embarrassing or awkward as I expected it to be.

Does my breath hitch a bit when her fingers brush against my breast, sure, but she keeps her eyes on me the whole time with this smile that reassures me. That tells me she's not going to turn this into something I'm not ready for yet. This isn't an opportunity to seduce me, she's just helping me out.

So I just give her a grateful smile as she helps push the shirt off my shoulders, as she bites her lip a little unsure before reaching down and undoing my jeans button and then the zipper. I hold my breath in as she kneels down and tugs the heavy, wet material down my legs. As she lets me lean a hand on her shoulder as I step out of them.

Then she's up again and walking past me, into the bathroom and returns with the white robe.

"You can manage the...the underwear yourself, right?"

Wordlessly I turn around, presenting my back to her and she understands immediately. This time her fingers do shake a bit when I feel them brush my spine as she unhooks my bra for me. I hold the terry cloth against me, covering my know free breasts as I turn back towards her.

"Thanks."

She nods her head quietly and turns away, giving me time to slip the robe over my almost naked body. When I look up again she's busy pulling her own tank over her head, her back still towards me. I don't turn away, don't feel the need to do so now. The fact that she hasn't gone into the bathroom to change gives me permission to look. There's a certain sort of intimacy in this act, her undressing me and letting me watch as she herself undresses. As she slips her skirt down her tanned legs, leaving her standing there in only her black silky underwear, never having worn a bra to begin with.

I do lower my eyes when she turns around and reaches for an equally silky, short robe that lies on her bed.

I can't help giving a small, almost confused chuckle when she finally steps over to me again, a towel in her hand.

"You know, we could have just changed into dry clothes. I mean I know I'm not exactly the same size as you, but..."

She smiles as she drags me towards her bed, a smile that's both playful and serious at the same time.

"I know that, but this way was more fun. _Way_ more fun."

She giggles than and a little of the tension that had been building up, the tension that I'm still not ready to acknowledge as _sexual_ tension, fades away. Leaving in it's wake a feeling of comfort I would never have expected to feel while sitting on Ashley Davies' bed wearing nothing but panties and a robe.

"I think I agree with that. That was kinda hot though, wasn't it?"

She laughs then, long and loud and pulls me into a hug. Her arms are strong and warm and I forget about that almost pained look she was wearing when I first spotted her in her doorway, forget about my wet hair and cold skin as I let her melt into me.

"Yeah, Spence, that was pretty hot. Didn't figure you for the kind of girl that would lose her clothes on the first date though."

I shove her away and laugh when she pouts just a little bit.

"Shut up and dry my hair for me, okay? I look like a freaking scare crow."

She gives me look and scrunches her face up.

"Yeah, you kinda do. So let's do that and then have the mac and cheese I personally made for us. Even stole a bottle of Kyla's dad's good wine for the occasion."

I feel a little apprehensive at the thought of Ashley cooking, especially after I recall the story she told me about almost burning down the kitchen, but I'm distracted by her hands rubbing the towel through my wet hair.

Okay that and the fact that I can see some cleavage every time she leans forward a bit. God bless loose fitting silk robes!

"Spence? Hey, Spence!"

My head shoots up and I look into her knowing eyes and I just know I'm about to turn as red as a tomato, but thankfully she doesn't say anything about my ogling.

"So are you ready to get some food?"

An hour later we're sitting on her big couch, leaning against each other as we watch the rain with full stomachs and a glass of wine each. To say I was surprised that she made really good mac and cheese would be an understatement, seeing as I ended up having two portions and might explode if I moved an inch.

She's been quiet for the last few minutes, her one hand occupied by the wine glass and her other gently caressing my shoulder.

"You're pretty quiet tonight."

She turns her head towards me and leans in closer to kiss me softly on the mouth, letting me taste the sweet wine on her lips for a few fleeting seconds.

"The rain reminds me of my dad."

I bite my lip as I wonder if I should probe further. She doesn't really talk about her dad much, it seems to be a bit of a sore spot for her. If I'm honest there's a lot of things that she doesn't talk about, a lot of subjects that seem off limits. Like Aiden and Junior Year. There's a lot I want to ask, but it never felt like the right time. I mean it's only been like a week and a half that we've been together, so she's not obligated to tell me all her deep dark secrets. To give me the story of Ashley Davies' life, the uncut version.

That doesn't however stop me from wanting to know though.

"How come?"

She's quiet for a second or two and I wonder if I should have left well enough alone, but then her hand tightens around my shoulder and pulls me closer.

"Like a year before he...before he died, he flew me out to Chicago for a weekend when he did a concert there. It was summer and they had thunderstorms while I was there. He loved it and we ended up sitting in the hotel room in front of the big windows watching the thunder and rain for a few hours. It was beautiful really."

She shifts a little and rests her back against the corner of the couch and I snuggle into her, my body easily fitting between her out stretched legs as I lay my head against her chest.

"He said that thunderstorms were exciting, that he loved the electricity in the air and the way the lightning hit the earth, illuminating everything for a few seconds before the sound caught up. I remember afterwards, when the rain stopped, we went for a walk and everything just seemed a bit brighter, you know? Like everything just sparkled when the sun caught it. I had fun that day."

I smile at her words, at the love she so clearly felt for her father.

"Sounds like he was a nice guy."

She holds me closer and smiles a little sadly.

"He was when he was around, but that wasn't a lot really. I wasn't exactly his number one priority."

I push up then, notice how dark her eyes are and lean forward, kissing her soundly.

"I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but you're totally my number one."

She squishes my cheeks together and kisses my nose before pulling away and leaning back against the couch.

"Aww, you're so cute, Spence. I guess you've kinda become my number one too. I mean don't go telling people that or anything, because you're a total dork and it would just ruin my reputation, but I'm so into you it's scary."

Her eyes are dark again, but it's not like before, there's no sadness now. There's want in those eyes, a lot of fear too, but mostly want. I feel that look all the way down to my little toes, feel as it lights a fire in me that shouldn't be lit yet, that I'm not ready to have burn inside me.

Then I feel as words that _I'm_ too afraid to speak, because I _know_ she's not ready to hear them, start to form on my tongue, but luckily she leans up and she kisses me.

She stops the whispered 'I love you' on my lips with her tongue in my mouth, with her hands warm on my back as she pulls me down on top of her. As the sound of raindrops against window panes disappear to be replaced by the sound of wet mouth meeting wet mouth hungrily. I don't know if it's minutes or seconds before I feel her fingers slip into my robe, the digits splayed warmly on the skin of my bare shoulder.

I feel as her palm slides lower just a few inches until it rests just above the swell of my left breast. This forces me to open my eyes, to leave the warmth of her mouth and look down on her flushed face, to see her heavily lidded eyes roaming over my own face, drinking in my features.

"Please, Spence. I wont go further than that, I just...I just want to feel you."

Her voice is husky, broken almost as her desperation washes over me. I'm incapable of words just then, her look and the way she feels under me clouding me in a way I've never known before. So I just nod my head once, but it's enough for her.

Her palm slides smoothly down my skin, parting the robe as it goes and she cups my breast in her hand. The contact burns me in a way I never knew possible. This is the first time in my life that a hand that's not my own touches me there and the sensation is over powering. It makes me shut my eyes and moan and arch and quiver. I've never been as alive as I am right at this moment. I've never felt anything as acutely and I've never wanted to freeze a moment in time more.

I die a little when she leans up and kisses my neck, when her tongue and lips posses my pulse as her hand massages my breast, as her questing thumb brushes a nipple and draws a gasp from me. As her lips dwell higher and steal the breath from my lips, swallows my cry as her thumb repeats its movement against my know overly sensitive breast.

And then she's crushed into the couch as my arms give out, as I tumble down on top of her heavily. It doesn't break the contact though, we're still kissing, she's still shattering me with her warm touch. The only difference is that my hand finds the back of her thigh as I bring her leg around me, instinctively knowing this will mean closer contact. That know I can feel the heat from her center against my thigh and that's what finally snaps me out of my daze, because I've never done this before, I've never gone this far and I'm not entirely sure what the hell I'm supposed to do after this.

I pull back with a dark and hopeless moan, my lungs burning and my arms trembling as I raise myself above Ashley once again. The action seems to pull her back as well, because she stills completely beneath me, her eyes locked warmly with my own. Then she sighs as her eyes close, as she slowly pulls her hand from my breast.

"Okay, it's...it's okay."

With her eyes still closed she pulls the robe closed over my chest, her hands fisting the soft terry cloth and then she's pulling me down again, wrapping herself around me in a full body hug.

"Sorry I went a little over board."

Her words puff against my ear, but I'm still not capable of speech, so I just pull her closer and hold her tighter.

I want this, I do, but it's all so much and so fast and I'm not ready. I'm so unprepared for this intensity, for the feelings that flashed through me when she touches me or when I touch her. I hate that my hands tremble and that I'm unsure. I hate that I have no idea how to make her feel the way she makes me feel. Right now, I've never hated being an inexperienced virgin more.

Then I just concentrate on getting my breathing under control, on getting my voice back from where ever the hell it wandered off too, because I don't want to freak Ashley out by turning into a mute all of a sudden.

"Spence, are you okay?"

Her voice is small and scared in my ear and I finally pull away a little. I give her a wobbly smile and kiss her softly.

"I'm okay, sorry if I freaked you out there."

She looks at me for a long second, her eyes still and dark in her still flushed face.

"I'm sorry I did that. You said you weren't ready and I still...I'm sorry."

She swallows hard and I find another smile growing on my face.

"Ash, it's really okay. That was...just a little intense in the end. I'm not mad at you or upset and you didn't over step any lines or anything. You stopped without me having to even say a word and I appreciate that. You're like the perfect gentleman...er...gently woman...uhm...you're just perfect, okay?"

She gives a great big sigh and smiles with relief.

"Oh thank fuck, I seriously thought I just screwed up there for a minute. I was so worried, I mean God, feel how fast my heart is beating."

I smile as she grabs my hand and places it over her robe, above her seriously pounding heart. I laugh a little as I kiss her chin quickly.

"Okay, relax before you have a heart attack or something. I kinda like having you around, you and your grabby hands."

She smiles a wicked smile and laces our fingers together, both resting over her still frantically beating heart.

"Good, 'cos these grabby hands? They're all yours now, Spence. All yours, when ever and _where_ ever you want them."

Before I can reply, the front door bangs open and Kyla's angry voice fills the room.

"What was I supposed to do, huh? Leave you at some bus stop bleeding to death in the middle of the night? You might irritate the crap out of me, but I'm not about to have your _death_ on my hands. So I don't care if Ashley's going to be pissed, you're staying here tonight and you're letting me clean that cut!"

Heavy footsteps make their way into the room and a growl escapes whoever is coming closer.

"For Christs sake, Tink, will you calm the fuck down. I'm not going to bleed to death, I probably don't even need stitches! So just stop worrying and let me sit down, 'cos I'm kinda starting to feel whoosy and your shrill screaming isn't helping any."

I watch as Ashley's eyes go big, mirroring my own look perfectly.

What the hell happened tonight?!

We sit up at the same time, Ashley's body following my own fluidly until we're more or less seated on the couch upright again.

I gasp when I notice Carmen a few steps away from us, her face turned towards Kyla, giving us a clear view of her hand holding what looks to be a towel against her right eyebrow. A white towel that's saturated in red.

"Oh God, what happened?!"

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**And that's where I'll leave it, because this chapter's almost 5000 words in already and I may bore you to death if I go on. Hope you liked it, even though it ended up miles away from where I was heading with it. I didn't plan for Spence and Ash to get hot and heavy, but...uh...well, I got no good excuse for writing that. It just happened! So anyway, as always feedback is appreciated and encouraged. Also since I want to know what you want next, Kyla or Carmen's point of view?**

(Also this wasn't proof read, I was too tired and lazy! So excuse the mistakes. Also, could anyone spot the line I semi stole from Dark Angel?)


	24. Carmen gets ready to rumble, and loses!

**Alright, so this is the part where I once again tell you all that you ROCK! I seriously don't know what I did to deserve such cool people following this story. You're all nice and sweet and even when you don't always like where I'm going, you still show your support. You all are receiving a virtual hug and cookie, right now!**

**So it was a tight race between a Carmen and a Kyla chapter, but in the end most agreed I'd been neglecting Carmen, so this is in her POV. I also realized that I've portrayed her as pretty EMO! I mean, she turned out almost as bad as :gasp: Aiden on the show!**

**So this one tries to be a little less 'woe is me' and more lighthearted. I'm not sure I pulled it off, but we'll see.**

**Still don't own SoN, so stop sending those pesky legal looking letters Mr Lynch!**

Senior Year

Chapter 24

Carmen's point of view.

You know, it's wonderful what a great orgasm or two will do for your mood. Ask me, I know _all_ about that. It can turn that frown, upside down!

Yeah, okay that was lame, but I'm still buzzing from having the **BEST. SEX. EVER! **

I don't think I'll ever look at a shower the same way again and just the smell of pancakes turn me on nowadays. So like I said, it's really wonderful what mind blowing, earth shattering sex with a pain in the ass like Kyla can do for you. Never would have guessed it myself, but I was pleasantly surprised that it turned out that way.

I mean I went from dumped and depressed to gloriously screaming my head off at five in the morning with Kyla panting my name in my ear.

Yes, envy me, bitches, _envy_ me!

Maybe this was the universes way of balancing things out, or maybe it's just an elaborate scheme to fuck me over in the long run, but I don't care. I don't, because I've had a smile plastered on my face for the last week and I caught Kyla giving me at least six, yes _six_, lust filled looks in just the last two hours alone.

So okay, she _is_ currently hanging onto Aiden's arm like she got super glued to it or something, but the way she keeps looking at me as if to make sure I'm still watching tells me all I need to know. She's like a kid on her way to the dentist's office, she knows no matter what she does she's going to end up in that chair getting a tooth pulled or whatever the fuck else, but she's still going to put up a fight the whole way there. So she's flirting with Aiden and pretending that nothing, nothing being the best sex either of us has _ever_ had, happened, but we all know it's useless. She's gonna have that tooth pulled no matter what.

Maybe comparing myself to getting a tooth pulled isn't the _best_ analogy in the world, but you get the picture.

Me and Kyla? We're inevitable now. She can fight it and deny it all she wants, this is happening.

Hell, if I'm honest with myself I kinda actually like that she's putting up a fight. It makes chasing her that much more fun and getting her in the end will be even more gratifying. Besides, it's fun seeing her squirm. I mean I might have fallen deeply in love or lust (I'm still figuring out which) with her, but irritating her is no less gratifying than it was before. She gets all indignant and flustered, her eyes narrowing sexily and her cheeks blushing softly and that alone makes me feel hotter than any foreplay I've ever had.

Kyla Woods is my kryptonite, my silver bullet or my wooden stake, however you want to look at it, and I'm pretty much defenseless when it comes to her now. Not that I'm about to let her know that! I mean I'm not stupid, a girl like that would _end_ you if let her. She's opinionated, spoiled, willful and stubborn, she's used to getting her way and a part of her charm is that you want to let her have it. You want to give her whatever she wants, just to see that smile. So this might bite me in the ass in the end, I'm fully aware of that fact, but God knows I want the girl.

She's just my Tink now, you know?

Which leads me to where I am right now, leaning against a wall with a drink in my hand watching Kyla parade herself in front of Aiden. I almost feel sorry for him, because he's got a big ass smile on his face probably thinking her strutting around in a short dress is for his benefit, but I know it's all for me. Call me vain, call me over confident, but it's the truth. I feel it in my gut, I feel it in the way my heart beats faster when she catches my eyes, I feel it in the air thick with want between us in the seconds before she looks away again.

Aiden doesn't stand a chance. Poor bastard.

I'm off to find another drink, pushing my way through the usual throng of sweaty bodies as people dance around me, when a hand snakes around my waste and I'm pulled into another body. I instinctively know it's not Kyla, because Kyla smells like wildflowers and when her body was wrapped around me we fit tightly, perfectly, but this is nothing like that. The arms around me are long and slender, as is the body pressed against my back and whoever it is smells like Tommy Girl and breath mints. It takes all of a second before realization hits.

Michelle Jones.

Aw, fuck. This is _so_ not good.

Michelle and I had a...how shall I put this? We weren't exactly fuck buddies, but one couldn't call it a normal relationship either. She was the first girl I ever slept with and I was hers, but we never went on dates and we never saw each other unless she was pretty drunk. I guess you could say she used me and I let her, because I got that it wasn't easy for her.

She was head cheerleader last year, she was popular and feared and the well hidden fact that she was very much into girls was something only me and one other person knew. In that lies the problem though, that person that knows as well.

Madison.

Madison blamed me for turning Michelle gay and because of it the bitch tries to make my life a living hell on a daily basis. That's why Michell Jones being here at a high school party and wrapping her arms around me is not good. Madison is going to have a fucking freak out!

"Hey, Carmen, long time no see."

The words are whispered in my ear and I realize with a start that she doesn't sound drunk. I don't think she's ever spoken to me when she wasn't drunk.

"Yeah, hey Michelle."

I turn in her arms, trying to get a little distance between us, because the people around us have already started to gawk at us. I mean it's not everyday that you see the school lesbian being held by the girl that was the most popular girl in school last year.

"What brings you around here, Michelle?"

I don't want to be rude, but I think the question comes off that way, because she pulls back a bit and frowns down at me.

"Uh...you don't sound glad to see me. I just wanted to drop by and see how everyone was doing. You in particular."

Her fingers trace my cheek lightly and then all of a sudden I'm shoved out of the way, almost falling on my ass in the middle of the dance floor.

"Oh hey, sorry. I didn't see you there."

And there's Kyla with a fake apologetic smile on her face. Wow, that didn't take her long, I couldn't have been talking to Michelle for more than thirty seconds. Sheesh, Tink can move in those heels.

"Yeah, Tink, it's no problem. I'm kinda used to you shoving me around, so..."

I smile as I think about the way she slammed me into the shower wall, the look in her eyes when she turned to me with that wicked smile of hers. Yeah, she can shove me around any time she likes.

I doubt Kyla even heard me though, because she's giving Michelle a look that would freeze the balls off Satan. I smile and wonder why I hadn't thought of this before, but using someone to make her jealous isn't really my style, so I decide to put her out of her obvious misery.

Weirdly enough Michelle seems to grasp what's going on here with just that one look and I can already see her backing off. It's in the way she gives me a sad little smile before she speaks.

"You know what, Carm? I just realized I haven't said hello to the guys from the squad yet, so I guess Ill just..."

She points a finger over her shoulder, but before she can make good on her words the thing that I was really fearing happens.

Madison is suddenly there with her arm around Michelle, large fake smile on display as she gives me a look I don't like.

"Michelle, chica what are you doin' here? You should have let me know you were coming and I could have met you at the door, made sure you didn't run into any losers on your way in."

Then she turns to me and even the fake smile is gone.

"What the hell are you doing here, by the way? I still don't know why people keep letting you into these parties. I mean, God, how can a girl enjoy herself knowing some pervert lesbian is probably getting off on watching her dance or something. You should really just get the fuck out of here before I get you thrown out."

Now normally I don't mind ripping her to shreds verbally, but she's drunk and drunk Madison is plain old scary. The little bit of humanity and common sense she has evaporates the minute there's alcohol in her blood stream. I learned that the hard way the night she caught Michelle and me kissing at a party. I had the bruises for a week to prove it.

"Oh God, Madison, please tell me you're joking. No one at this party is going to do you any favors by throwing her out for you, what with you giving half the guys here crabs and all. Have you gotten that little itch sorted out yet, by the way? I heard it can be a bitch to get rid off."

Kyla finishes with a flick of her hair over her shoulder and I'm not distracted enough by Madison's bulging eyes to _not_ appreciate how hot she just looked. Yeah, I'm quoting Sting here people, every little thing she does _is_ magic!

"Oh please, Kyla. Is that the best you got? Are you sure you wanna be talking to me that way without your step sis here to cover for your ass? Besides, aren't you too busy running after her left over meat to be defending the lesbian scum of this world? Keep talking and I might just have to drop her a line and ask if she knows what's been going on behind her back. Don't know if she'll like the fact that you're whoring around with her ex."

And there she goes and pisses me off. 'Whoring around'? Where the fuck does she get off talking to my woman like that?

I'm up in her face, hating the fact that I have to stand on my toes to look her in the eye somewhat. Never realized this before, but she's tall as a fucking amazon this one!

"Just step the fuck back, okay? And stop spewing shit about Kyla that you don't know a thing about, because don't think for a second I haven't seen you drool over Aiden yourself. Maybe someone should inform Ashley that her so called best friend has been offering herself to him on a silver platter for months now. The only one whoring around here is you, just ask any guy in this room and the girlfriends they've lost because of you. So _you_ should be the one watching what they're saying!"

She shoves me then, just once and laughs in my face.

"Please, like I'm afraid of a little dyke like you. I can say whatever the hell I want and not you or that slut of a Kyla can stop me. People like you don't matter, dyke. You're wrong and sick and so beneath me."

She turns away, but by now my brain has short circuited and I'm left a shivering mass of _angry_. Which would explain why I shoved her so hard she crashed into one of the guys on the basketball team and got beer pored down her shirt.

From then on things happened rather quickly. One minute I'm still standing, watching with great satisfaction as the beer pours over Madison and the next thing I know she's flying at me.

Did I mention that she's big as an Amazon yet?

By the time I know what hit me, she's on top of me and there's absolute silence in the room as we struggle on the floor. I get in one really good shot, splitting her lip nicely as I scurry out from underneath her, but I'm not fast enough.

The details are a little fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure she just banged my head into a wall.

And Mother Fucker does it _hurt_!

It also has the effect of someone bodily throwing themselves on top of Madison to stop her from coming at me. A little part of me hates the fact that it's Aiden saving my ass, but that thought fades as Kyla's face swims in front of my vision.

"Jesus, Carmen, are you okay?!"

Hands cup my face and turn my head to the side and I cringe slightly when I realize that blood is steadily pouring out of a cut on my eyebrow. Great, like I can afford plastic surgery to fix shit like that.

Fucking bitch, Madison!

"Uh...yeah, I'm...uh...I'm fine. Just...fine."

Well, maybe fine is a _slight_ over exaggeration seeing as I'm seeing two Kyla's (which hey, I so don't have a problem with) and everything seems to be happening in slow motion. Like, I swear it takes me a full minute to shake my head from one side to the other in an attempt to shake everything back into place.

Walls are hard. A fact that I always knew, but never really fully appreciated until now.

"Are you sure, because if you are let me be the first to take this opportunity to ask if you've lost your feakin' mind?!"

Oh that's rich, I defend her honor and get yelled at for my trouble. Typical.

I shake her hands off and sit up, trying to look steady all the while I kinda just wanna flop back down onto the floor and...I don't know...cry?

A girls aloud to cry if she's split her head open like a melon, right?

A towel is pressed against my head and I give Michelle a grateful smile, but it doesn't last as Kyla takes a hold of my wrist and yanks me up. Oh wow, the room is turning upside down! That's so trippy.

"I'm taking you to the hospital, before you...before you..._bleed_ to death!"

Kyla doesn't leave much time for arguments as she drags me out the door, but at least the world seems to right itself and the double vision fades. Yay for returning coherency.

"Tink, no. I don't need the hospital, okay? Doctors freak me out and this probably doesn't even need stitches, so...you could just drop me off on the bus stop?"

I didn't mean to make it sound like a question, but it came out like that. I blame the head wound for me going a bit soft here.

"Drop you off on the...are you freaking kidding me?! You're bleeding! You got your head shoved into a _wall_! _I. Am. Taking. You. To. The. Hospital._ Understand? How many fingers am I holding up? Who's president? Well, forget that one if you can, it's better that way actually."

I grab the three fingers she's holding up and bring her palm up to my face, kissing it softly. Her eyes flutter shut and she let's out a soft, tired sigh.

"I'm okay, Kyla."

She opens her eyes and gives me a look and I finally get that if I saw her head getting bashed into a wall I'd be worried too. I'd be pissed and scared and horrified, really.

"How many fingers?"

She holds up her left hand and I roll my eyes, but in the end I still answer just to make her feel better.

"Three." Then a thought pops into my head and I can't help smiling big. "You like three fingers if I remember correctly."

One look at my face and she knows _exactly_ what I'm talking about, because she snorts and opens the car door, shoving me into the passenger seat none too gently I might add. I forgive her when she leans over and buckles my safety belt, her hand lingering on my shoulder as she leans back and looks at the cut again.

"You're coming home with me."

I smile big, agian 'cos I know she doesn't mean it like _that_, not yet anyway, but a girl can dream.

"You're not gonna get any complaints from me, Tink. I'd _love_ to go home with you."

She doesn't say anything, but I'm sure she smiled a little and this makes the stinging cut and the headache that's starting up all worth it. She kinda makes everything worth it.

By the time we get to her house, my head is pounding in all earnest and Kyla's back in worried mode. It doesn't help that the cut still seems to be bleeding steadily and that the towel feels kinda soggy in my hand.

"I still say you should go to the emergency room. Please, Carmen? Please?"

As much as I...love her in a lusty way, I sure as hell am not going to a doctor. Doctor means injections and needles and I don't do those. Yeah fine, I got a tattoo, but thats how I know I don't do needles. The tattoo guy had to basically tie me to the chair to finish the thing.

Stepping out of her car and signaling my answer on the question of going to the emergency room that way, another thought comes to me.

Ashley.

She kinda lives here too, doesn't she? So this might not have been the best idea ever, I mean she's so not gonna be happy to see me.

"Taking me home was maybe not the way to go here, Tink. I just realized that Ashley's gonna be pretty pissed that you brought me here, you know?"

Kyla rolls her eyes and angrily shoves the key into the front door, pushing it open with a loud huff as she drags me inside and turns to lock the door again.

"What was I supposed to do, huh? Leave you at some bus stop bleeding to death in the middle of the night? You might irritate the crap out of me, but I'm not about to have your _death_ on my hands. So I don't care if Ashley's going to be pissed, you're staying here tonight and you're letting me clean that cut!"

I sigh as her voice goes all shrill at the end, making my head pound worse and then as if to add insult to injury, the world starts tilting to the side again. Did she not hear a word I said in the car earlier?!

"For Christs sake, Tink, will you calm the fuck down. I'm not going to bleed to death, I probably don't even need stitches! So just stop worrying and let me sit down, 'cos I'm kinda starting to feel whoozy and your shrill screaming isn't helping any."

I turn and watch as Kyla throws her keys down and cringes when it makes a clattering sound, probably realizing that it echoed painfully in my abused head.

Before she can say anything though, another voice interrupts her.

"Oh God, what happened?!"

I turn around quicker than my head would have liked, but the scene that greets me makes up for it.

A tousled Ashley and Spencer are kneeling on the couch, both sporting mussed up hair and brightly flushed from...well...isn't that an interesting thought. They've obviously been doing some very, _very_ naughty things. What? I'm not allowed to enjoy the image of two hot girls that have obviously been doing...stuff?

"Uh...Ashley? You might wanna tighten that robe, sweetie."

All eyes go to the front of Ashley's silky robe, taking in the fact that if it slips another quarter of an inch open, someone will be getting an eye full of nipple! I almost laugh as Spencer's hands shoot out to yank the robe together, blushing furiously all the while.

It's strange that not more than a week or so ago I wanted to be in a situation like this with her, now I walk in on her with someone else and I only feel happy for her.

That's the magic healing power of orgasms people, especially Kyla induced orgasms.

"Uh...we weren't doing anything!"

I almost laugh out loud at Spencer's obvious lie, but laughing could turn out painful at this point so I just smile.

"You weren't? Well, is the aircon broken or something? 'Cos you all look pretty hot and bothered to me."

Kyla sighs as Spencer blushes some more and I'm relieved when Ashley seems to actually give a half smile at that. That's good, because when she finally finds out I did her sister, well stepsister, I'm hoping she's feeling a little friendlier towards me. I'm really getting tired of people beating me up, you see.

"Stop with the teasing and get your ass in the bathroom!"

I almost jump at Kyla's voice booming into the room with such authority. One look at her face tells me she's still not impressed with my decision to skip the hospital.

"Yeah, I would but I don't really know where it is, Tink."

I turn towards Ashley, because there's less chance off me getting shouted at in a shrilly voice.

"Do you have a first aid kit or something I could borrow?"

Ten minutes later I'm sitting on a toilet seat with Spencer cleaning my cut. Her mom being a doctor forced Spencer to do a couple of first aid courses and I'm silently thanking the ice queen for it. I only flinch when she pulls the special band-aid over the wound, the think strips forcing the skin back together again.

"You should probably have gotten stitches, but I guess this will work too. It wasn't all that deep in the end, but I'm not sure it was supposed to bleed that much, Carmen. Though my mom said head wounds do tend to bleed more than a normal wound, so..."

She trails of, biting her lip as she cocks her head to the one side, her eyes looking over her handy work. I touch the cut gingerly, happy that it's at least stopped bleeding now and all cleaned up.

"I'll be okay, so don't worry. Thanks for doing this, you've pretty good at it, didn't even hurt me that much."

It's true, Spencer has gentle hands and even though she cleaned the cut thoroughly, she didn't ever really hurt me. She's got a doctors touch.

Kyla comes back into the bathroom and holds up a clean tank top and shorts for me. My shirt has blood all down the one side and is beyond repair I think, so I take the clothes from her gratefully. Ashley, who hadn't left Spencer alone with me for a second , finally pulls herself off the wall she was leaning against.

"So, is anyone going to tell us what happened?"

I catch Kyla's eye and for once we seem to agree on something completely. Explanations can wait till the morning, because we've both had our fill of drama for the day.

"Look, I got into it with Madison, but I'm not going into details tonight, okay? I kinda just want some ibuprofen and a warm bed, maybe a funny movie and then some sleep. What do you all say?"

Three heads nod and then we end up on Ashley's bed, all four of us, watching Eurotrip. Man, that movie never gets old! I mean come on, that fat green fairy? Classic!

_'Can you say what the fuck did I do last night?'_

Indeed.

Somewhere around the middle of the film, I start to play with Kyla's hair and to my pleasant surprise, she lets me. Granted, it's a pretty small thing, letting me play with her hair, but it's a step in the right direction, right? So I'm happy and content, lying stretched out next to Kyla on Ashley's big bed, watching a movie and having fun with...with people I can call my friends.

By the end though, my head is hurting and I'm pretty much dead on my feet tired, so I'm eternally grateful when Kyla takes my hand and informs the other two we're heading for her room to sleep. I don't even comment on the fact that I can see at least two other guest bedrooms where she could have made me sleep, I just smile happily as I crash down on her bed.

I wait for her to join me, but when I turn and face her, she's just standing next to the bed looking at me.

"What?"

She sighs again and finally lifts the covers, lowering her body down next to mine.

"Why did you go and do that, Carmen?"

Her voice is soft and serious and I pull her closer, her face inches from my own. It's too dark to make out her expression, but I know she's still watching me intently.

"Because I didn't like her insulting you."

She sighs and I can feel her breath brush my face, my lips.

"That's not a good enough reason to go get yourself hurt."

I think about kissing her then, think about pulling her even closer and completely molding her body to mine, because I can clearly hear the concern in her voice, but I don't, because a part of me wants to stay exactly like this. Bathed in her voice, in the tone that tells me she cares.

"It was for me."

Then those lips are on mine, just briefly, just a fleeting touch, just a small taste of her lingering in it's wake.

"I'm not gay, okay?"

I smile as I lean in, kissing her as briefly as she kissed me.

"Hmm...we'll see."

She closes her eyes and scoots closer, her hands warm on my shoulder blades as she pulls me completely to her, her face burying in my neck.

"And I really didn't appreciate that girl looking at you like you were an all you can eat buffet..."

I just chuckle as her lips brush my neck, as her tongue snakes out and takes a small lick. After a second she rolls away, her face turned up to the ceiling as she lets out a big sigh.

"Crap, straight girls don't do stuff like lick other girls, do they?"

No Kyla, they _so_ don't.

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**Alrighty, there's the chapter. Hope you liked and hope it turned out a bit more fun, even though it was in Emo Carmen's point of view. LOL! So yeah, as always I would appreciate some feedback, it always helps me with ideas for the next chapter, because your opinions are what counts in the end.**

**Also, now for the shameless self promoting. I've started a One Tree Hill fic and would love it if you guys gave that a shot as well. It's called 'Going Home' and it's a Brooke/Peyton story. I like the idea so far and am planning to add a chapter over the weekend, so your opinion on that would be nice too.**


	25. Ashley Davies falling hard and fast!

**So I know I haven't updated in forever and I'm really sorry, but please don't kill me. There were extenuating circumstances. It involved me on a quad-bike in the warm South African sun, which led to me lying sunburned and dizzy in an ice cold bath. So updating was not very high on my list of things to do this past Sunday. Sorry?**

**Still, to those that reviewed the last chapter, I LOVE YOU! Hopefully you forgive me for skipping out on you guys for a little while. **

**Also to Payne N. Uranus, thanks for adding my story to your favorites. You were the 100th person to do so and it made my day!**

**Anyway, I don't own SoN, never will and never have. Despite what I might say when I'm drunk and hallucinating.**

Senior Year

Chapter 25

Ashley's point of view.

The rain has always made me sad. Ever since that day I spent in Chicago with my Dad just watching the rain pour down and the thunder hit the earth, the rain reminds me of what I've lost. Reminds me of a dad I in all honesty barely had the chance to get to know.

Now? Now the rain would forever remind me of Spencer Carlin. Of a girl flat on her ass in the pouring rain, smiling in such a way that my chest ached and my stomach twisted. Of a girl leaning over me, her breath soft and sweet against my mouth as I kissed her, as I touched her warm body.

The rain would forever remind me of the day I well and truly, _wholeheartedly_, fell in love with Spencer Carlin. Without fearing the consequences, without doubting the reasons for it, without trying to hold myself back from it.

Just falling.

What made today different, you may ask?

I mean I've come to the conclusion before that I loved this girl, that she's special to me like no one else has ever been, so how can I say today was the day I fell in love with her?

Easy, because before I was just busy tipping over if you will. I was _halfway_ there, I was on the _edge_ of falling, but not quite face first on the ground after having my feet kicked out from under me, you know?

Before I was fighting it, my arms all flailing about trying to keep my balance, trying to stay upright and safe. Like how when you're a kid and you've run too fast and lose your balance and your arms go round and round like a windmill, your eyes all big and your mouth open in a large, panicked 'O'? Well that was me before today.

Before Spencer smiled at me, sopping wet and beautiful, in the pouring rain and thunder. Before she trusted me enough to let me take her clothes off, to let me see her in a way I'm sure no one else has ever seen her, because it was different from getting undressed in a locker room filled with other people. Filled with noise that distract you and other bodies in similar states off dress and undress.

Because it was just us and it was _intimate_. Intimacy was something I've never really shared with another human being on this earth. Not with Aiden the first time we had sex and definitely not with any of the other guys I've been with since.

More than anything else though, it was lying on that couch and listening to her tell me I'm her number one now. It was the look on her face when my hand touched her breast, the utter rapture on her face. It was the fact that I've never made anyone feel anything close to what Spencer's closed eyes and racing heart said I made her feel.

It was in the way that I could tell she loved me too.

So here I am, a girl deeply in love, leaning against a wall watching Spencer patch up Carmen. I'm pretty much surprised I'm not bouncing off the walls, that I'm not freaked out by the simple depth of what I'm feeling for her, instead of just leaning against a wall casually making sure Carmen doesn't try to cop a feel or something.

Not that I think she will, but I'd rather not take the chance.

I mean I can barely keep my hands off Spencer, me with the superhuman self-constraint, so I really don't know how all the other mere mortals manage it. I kinda have the urge to go borrow a baseball bat off Aiden to fend off the masses, 'cos if you ask me? Spencer is _that_ hot! I can't imagine I'm the only one that's noticed that, Carmen being proof that I'm not, so I'm not taking any chances from now on.

I don't care if I come off as a crazy, psycho, jealous lunatic, I'm not going to lose her. Not to anyone.

Yeah, okay. That was a little creepy, but you know what I mean.

"You should probably have gotten stitches, but I guess this will work too. It wasn't all that deep in the end, but I'm not sure it was supposed to bleed that much, Carmen. Though my mom said head wounds do tend to bleed more than a normal wound, so..."

I watch as Spence tilts her head, as her mind probably goes over every little fact she ever learned about head wounds. Watching her clean and dress Carmen's wound was impressive. Her hands never shook and her face never paled at the sight of all that blood and I can't help thinking that she'd make a good doctor. That hands that are as gentle and sure as my Spencer's are meant to bring relief to others. That she may have just been born to do what she did tonight.

Man, dating Spencer has made me all deep and shit, don't you think?

"I'll be okay, so don't worry. Thanks for doing this, you've pretty good at it, didn't even hurt me that much."

See? I totally called that! I'm like a freaking genius!

Eat that Mrs Lieberman! And for those of you that don't know who that is, she's the bitch ass teacher that told my parents she thought I was a little slow back in third grade.

Me? Slow?

_Phu-lease! _

I just really sucked at Math...and maybe the whole reading and writing thing, but I_ totally_ caught up on that.

Anyway, on to more important matters.

"So, is anyone going to tell us what happened?"

I push off the wall and stand next to Spencer, smiling when her hand slips into mine immediately. Loving the way her thumb brushes the back of my hand and the goosebumps it sends up my arm.

Man, I can't wait until we finally fuc...uhm...do it? Shag? Make...make love? I guess that would be what Spence and I do when we finally get down to doing something, right? It would be making love, together.

I've never done that.

And God, that was _so_ corny. So corny and yet still so very true. I guess that's why Spencer wants to wait, because it's special. 'Making love' is special and I think I'm getting that finally. It's not just something you do too feel better, to make you forget. It's not just a great form of exercise or something to help you relax.

Between two people that really love each other, it's more. It's...it's everything.

Crap! Now I kinda just want to do it even more.

"...a warm bed, maybe a funny movie and then some sleep. What do you all say?"

Oh right, there's other people in the room besides me and Spencer.

I watch as Spencer nods her head, apparently agreeing to whatever Carmen suggested. So I just follow them all out of the bathroom, figuring I'll hear the story of how Carmen ended up bloody and slightly bruised in the morning.

Some part of me, the part that's maybe still a little pissed that Carmen was the first girl that Spencer ever kissed, is kinda glad that someone handed her ass to her on a silver platter. Not that I plan to tell Spencer that, like I said, I'm not stupid.

So we end up in my room, on my bed, watching Eurotrip.

Nothing unusual about that really, you'd say. Just a couple of friends chilling out, watching a movie. Thing is, Carmen just started to play with Kyla's hair.

That's a little...weird.

I mean Carmen doesn't exactly come off as the touchy type, especially not with Kyla. Usually they go at each other's throats worse than two pitbulls fighting over a steak. Now Kyla's kinda closing her eyes and leaning her head back, obviously...enjoying the touch?

That's...that's weird, right?

It's weird and...well, I don't have a better word for it. I'm sticking with weird.

"Hey, you're not watching the movie."

I look down at Spencer, her soft whisper distracting me from the weirdness that is Carmen and Kyla lying there all...contented like.

A second later and I'm pretty much lost in her blue, blue eyes. They're just so damn beautiful it's hard to concentrate on anything else when she looks at me. I'm just awash in blue.

"Hmm?"

She gives me a small, secret smile, squeezes my hand that rests in her own.

"I said you're not watching the movie."

I look over at the t.v, watch as a bunch of old naked guys chase Jenny, white saggy bottoms wiggling about all the while.

"You're prettier to look at than all those assholes on display."

Spencer smiles and brings my hand up, her warm lips touching my knuckles gently and I melt just a little bit. No ones ever been this tender with me, this sweet.

Dating a virgin has it's benefits I guess. Everything seems just a little sweeter when she does it, because I'm the first one she's doing all these things with. I was the first one to touch her like that on the couch and I'm going to be the first one to...you know. _Really_ touch her. The whole idea excites me in a way that I never expected it would.

I feel like Neil Armstrong taking that first step on the moon, going where no man has gone before.

No wait, that's Star Trek. The whole going where no man ha...uh...not that I've watched any Star Trek or anything.

Uhm...hey look, the twins are making out!

By the end of the film I know two things.

One being that Spencer does this funny little snorting thing when she laughs from deep inside her belly and two being that Kyla purrs like a kitten when Carmen plays with her hair.

The first I'm thrilled to know, the second I could have done without, because it's putting all these _ideas_ in my head. Maybe it's just me projecting or something. Like because I'm gay all of a sudden, I'm seeing everything through a rainbow colored lens?

That has to be it, because there's no way on earth that Kyla and Carmen could be..into each other. Kyla's very straight, I know this. It's probably just my imagination that she's checking out Carmen's chest, really it is. Or that she's now taking Carmen's hand and leading her out my bedroom door.

To go sleep. Together. In her room all alone.

I chew on my bottom lip for all of five seconds before I turn to Spencer, my eyebrows shooting up towards the ceiling.

"She does know that there's guest bedrooms in this house, right?"

Spencer for her part looks at me like I just announced I'm pregnant with an alien baby. Translation, she looks a little lost.

"Huh?"

I sit up and frown, surer by the second that something is brewing between those two. I mean...look, I know it could just be my imagination, but...but there's something there. Something obvious and it's been there for awhile now, hitting me in the face the whole time.

The way they argue, the way they still share a sandwich despite it and get in each other's personal space all the time with gentle shoves or staring matches. Oh God, it's like a fucked up mating dance they've been doing or something.

"Hmm..."

The soft sigh makes me look over at Spencer whose sprawled on my bed, halfway done stretching her back out. Which leaves me panting like a dog, because she's all arched off the bed, breasts pushed into the air and head thrown back.

Oh God, this whole waiting thing is going to kill me. I don't think Spencer realizes just how sexy she is, how utterly and completely she can turn me on just by _breathing_ in a certain way. How my heart starts to pound, how my hands burn to reach out and touch...How I'm completely...helpless...

Then I'm kissing her, my mouth capturing her surprised 'Oh' as my body lands on top of hers heavily. The thing about kissing Spencer is the quiet. The quiet that invades my mind the minute my lips touch hers, the way I feel still and complete wrapped up in her warmth.

I think I could kiss her forever, think I _want_ to kiss her forever.

The way her tongue strokes my own, the way her lips tremble against mine when she breathes out shakily, it all makes me want to stay like that. Stay on top of her, breasts pressed against breasts, my tongue buried softly in the cavern of her mouth, my heart beating in time with hers.

But I don't stay that way, at least not for very long, because I know if I do I'll want to go further. I'll take what I want so badly, regardless of how ready Spencer is for it. I'd strip her of the tank top and shorts I borrowed her and then of her innocence if I give myself half a chance, because even though there's a part of me that completely understands why Spence wants to wait, there's an equally big part of me that simply wants...everything.

My heart that loves and my body that wants are at war when it comes to Spencer.

"God, how am I supposed to go to sleep after _that_?"

I laugh as my eyes finally focus on Spencer beneath me, her arm thrown over her eyes and her chest heaving up and down.

If you guessed that I'm sporting a shit-eating grin right now, you'd be right.

"Who said I was going to let you sleep?"

I purr that into her ear, nibble on her earlobe for good measure and then burst out laughing when she shoves me off her with a huge groan.

"You're teasing me...and it's _mean_."

She sounds so frustrated, so almost anguished that I take pity on her.

"Okay, I'll stop teasing you...for now. Besides, I wanted to ask you something."

She finally sits up, her cheeks blushing and her lips swollen and I almost loose my train of thought. Spencer looking like that makes me squeeze my thighs together tightly and imagine the most delicious things.

Uhm...right, I had a question.

"Did you notice anything strange between Carmen and Kyla?"

The question seems to throw Spencer a bit, her brow creasing as she thinks over the question.

"What do you mean strange?"

Now how to word this correctly? Hmm...

"Like there's...like...Like maybe all this time they've been kinda flirting with each other?"

Spencer's eyebrows shoot up towards her hair and her mouth drops open.

Then she laughs in my face.

"They're...flirting."

This is squeezed out between bouts of laughter while she rolls on her back like a little kid. I'm just waiting for her to kick her legs up in the air and squeel or something.

"Yes, Spence. Flirting."

She comes up for air and bites her bottom lip.

"Kyla? Boy crazy Kyla? Flirting with...Carmen?!"

Then she's down on her back laughing again.

"Seriously, Spence! I'm telling you, there's something there! I know about this kind of thing, okay? There's so much sexual tension between the lines with those two it's a wonder they haven't exploded with it by now."

Something in my voice must finally tell her I'm a hundred percent serious, because the laughter finally dies down. She sits up and wipes the tears from the corner of her eyes.

"You're being serious, aren't you?"

I nod my head firmly and her jaw falls open again.

"Really?!"

I settle down next to Spencer, her arms going around me automatically as she shifts closer.

"Really. Didn't you see how Carmen played with her hair for like half the movie? The way Kyla practically dragged her off to her room? Even the way they fight, Spence. It's like they can't really leave each other alone, you know?"

Spencer's eyes me wearily before resting her chin on my shoulder.

"That's...interesting."

We both just sit in silence for a while, Spencer probably thinking over all the times she's seen Carmen and Kyla together and me just liking how warm Spencer is against my side.

"What do you think they're doing right now?"

Her question catches me off guard, making me sit up straighter in her arms.

"Uhm...I haven't given that much thought really. I mean I doubt they've really done anything...so they wouldn't be..."

Then the image of Kyla with a huge hicky and a hangover fills my mind. Her words ringing in my ears.

"_I might have fucked up last night."_

No _**way**_!

Kyla did _not_ have hot lesbian sex before I did! That's just not fair!

"Maybe we should check."

Check? How would we check?

"You mean go spy on them?"

Spencer bites her lip, looking both ashamed and curious at the same time.

"Well, I mean it wouldn't be spying, we'd just be going down to the kitchen for...uh...warm milk or something. And then we'd happen to walk past Kyla's door and maybe, you know, listen for any weird...sounds? Just to prove you wrong really, because you're probably just imagining it."

We sit quietly for another few seconds before I jump off the bed and head to my closet. Spencer follows me and raises her eyebrow when I hold up two black tops.

"What are you doing?"

Duh, I'm getting us kitted out for spying. Everyone knows you wear black when you're spying, makes you blend into the darkness and all that crap.

"I'm getting us clothes for the mission."

Spencer rolls her eyes and takes the black tops from my hands, putting them back on the shelf behind me.

"You're not playing dress up, Ash. We're just going to go press our ears against the door and come right back here."

I pout and tug a strand of her hair, giving her my best puppy dog stare.

"But I look hot in black, Spence."

It's true, all colors look good on me, but I sizzle in black.

Spencer gives me a look that tells me she's noticed, but before I can say anything she shakes her head.

"Still, no dress-up. I'm not gonna prance around like Sidney Bristow just 'cos you think it'd be sexy."

Then her eyes go big and she sucks in a breath.

"Oh God, is this like a sex thing or something? I mean we haven't even had the sex yet, but you're trying to get me to do sexy _roll playing_?! You're supposed to ease me into this stuff, Ash!"

I'm pretty sure my eyes bulge out of my head at that and I almost swallow my tongue in my haste to reassure her that I was _so_ not going in that direction. Not _yet_ anyway, because I mean now that image _is_ kinda in my head. Spencer all decked out in a tight fitting black body suit, a gun strapped to her thigh or something. All stealthy and sexy and...

Oh wait, back to the reassuring.

"No, Spence, really I wasn't even thinki..."

Then she laughs in my face, again. She's making a habit of it really.

"Oh man, you should have seen your face! I thought you'd pop a blood vessel or something. And here I thought I was supposed to be the gullible one."

Then I'm unceremoniously dragged out of the closet (no pun intended) by Spencer's hand around my wrist. When we reach my bedroom door she gently puts a finger against my lips in the universal sign for 'be quiet' and I oblige, but not before giving her finger a quick nibble. No one can ever accuse me of not taking an opportunity when it comes my way.

Then we're tiptoeing down the hall, pretty stealthily I might add, even hugging the wall closely. I reach the door first, pulling Spencer down towards me as I lean in and press my ear against the door. For a second or two it looks like Spencer might chicken out, but then she gives a soft sigh and leans in as well.

I can't hear much really, just a murmur now and then, like they're talking softly inside the room. I catch Spencer's eye in the darkness of the hallway and give a light shrug, strangely disappointed to be proven wrong by the obvious lack of...

Moaning?

Was that a _moan_ I heard?

The look of shock on Spencer's face confirms it for me and for a second or two we both just sit there, ears pressed against Kyla's bedroom door and eyebrows raised in shared surprise, listening to at the very least a pretty hot and heavy make-out session.

Then Spencer's up like a shot and down the hallway, not being all that stealthy in my opinion as she stomps into my room. I scramble after her and quickly close my bedroom door as gently as I can. No need to disturb the two...love birds.

Spencer's sitting on my bed with her light brows drawn together, her bottom lip being chewed on thoughtfully.

"So, guess I was right then."

She looks up quickly and nods her head once. I don't like the look on her face, the fact that she seems upset about this. I mean she likes me know, not Carmen, so why is this bothering her?

"Spence? Are you...are you jealous or something?"

I almost cringe when my voice fills the room, all low and sounding slightly hurt. I didn't mean for her to hear that the thought upset me.

She's up off the bed and next to me in a second, her arms around my neck and her head ducked down slightly to look me in the eye.

"No, I'm not jealous or something, just a little surprised and...well, hurt. I mean do you think they were doing stuff while Carmen and I were together?"

I don't know how to say it any different than I'm going to and I only hope she doesn't get mad at me, but it needs to be said.

"Like you and I kissed while you were still with her?"

She blushes then, lowers her eyes guiltily to the floor.

"Yeah, I guess I can't really judge them for doing what I myself did. Still, I don't like to think that Kyla would do that to me. That she'd betray me like that."

To my own shame I'm happy to hear this is more about Kyla than it is about Carmen, despite the slight sheen of tears I can see in Spencer's blue eyes.

"Look, I don't think you should jump to any conclusions here, okay? She's your best friend and I really doubt that she'd do that to you, so just talk to her first. Hear her out before getting angry."

I want to tell her about the morning after she broke up with Carmen, about Kyla coming home and what I think happened, but I don't really think it's my place. If Kyla wants to tell Spencer she slept with Carmen, which is what I think happened that night, then she can do it herself. I do really believe that nothing happened before that though. For Spencer and Kyla's sake I hope I'm right.

"Yeah and I never thought I'd ever end up cheating on someone, but I did, didn't I? So it's not impossible to think that they could've been..."

She bites her lip then, buries her face in my shoulder and I rub her back.

"No, I think you're right. It's not fair that I get angry with her before hearing the whole story. She doesn't deserve that, not after being the best friend I've ever had. I'll talk to her in the morning about this."

I kiss her neck gently, happy to have been the one to talk some sense into someone for a change. The things Spencer brings out in me I never expected to find in myself.

God, I so love this girl.

"Just one more thing before we go to sleep."

I pull away and kiss her softly.

"What's that, Spence?"

Suddenly I'm flat on my back on the bed, Spencer leaning down over me with what can only be described as a rather wicked smile.

"Do we sound like that as well, all 'hmm' and 'ahhh' and soft moaning?"

I return the smile as I snake my hands up her back, my fingers finding the nape of her neck and forcing her head lower.

"Only one way to find out..."

Then as my mouth finds Spencer's it's all quiet again.

Well, except for the occasional 'hmm' and 'ahhh' and soft moaning of course.

----------------------------------

**Hopefully you all still remember this after my slight disappearing act and are in a forgiving mood. Oh and before I forget, thanks to those of you that gave 'Going Home' a read. That was sweet of you and if you're still interested, I added Chapter 2 earlier in the week. (Yes, that was more shameless self-promoting!). Anyway, I do hope you enjoyed this chapter, because I'm not sure there are many more chapters left. I had a lot more planned for this story, but I'm not sure if it isn't going to turn out as over kill if I drag it out. **

**Well,if you liked it, review and tell me you did and if you hated it :gulps nervously: you can tell me that too. Oh and who do you want next, Spence or Kyla? **


	26. Kyla and a kiss goodbye

**To my reviewers, as always it warms the heart to hear from you! You guys make giving up an off day and updating feel worth it. I seriously don't know how to say thank you enough for the support.**

**Now for the warnings...**

**This chapter is angsty, has some sex and is probably going to suck. You could blame me for it, seeing as I wrote it and all, but I like to blame global warming. Global warming wont be crushed if you throw it with rotten tomatoes, you see. Unlike me who'd end up bawling like a baby, curled into a little ball smelling of rotten fruit. (Tomatoes are a fruit, right?)**

**Don't own SoN, but I do own this particular heap of ansty crap.**

Senior Year

Chapter...Uhm...Oh right, chapter 26!

Kyla's point of view.

Aiden is cute. Actually, he's pretty much beautiful. Sculpted body, warm hazel eyes and that slightly curly dark hair, all make up a rather fine specimen of man. That he's mostly sweet and funny helps too, despite the fact that he's kinda dumb as a lump of dough. What I'm trying to say is he's pretty much every girls dream guy. 

I see how Mindy Shaw from the chess club looks at him, how she drops her books each and every time he says hi to her. How Madison gives him her 'let's fuck around' look and how the moms guiltily check him out during basketball games. He's hot and there's not a lot of warm blooded, sane woman that wouldn't agree with you.

So how come the only thing I dream about these days are blue eyes? How come my hand itched to run itself through fine strands of raven hair, to tangle in it gently as a body as soft and curved as my own settles on top of me?

Oh, right, because I went and slept with Carmen and it...broke me. It threw my internal compass out a bit, got me confusing my north with my south. My straight with my...not so straight. 

It's temporary, I'm sure of that. I mean there's no way on this Prada producing earth that I, Kyla Woods, am gay. Don't get me wrong, I love gay people, I'm no homophobe. My best friend is gay for God's sake, but that doesn't mean I'm gay. I like boys, I've enjoyed sex with boys. I've crushed on Matt Damon since I was eleven and watched the first Jason Bourne movie. So really, this? This is just a little gay hiccup I'm having if you will.

And we all know that hiccups go away eventually, you just have to either ignore them or drink like a gallon of water. Well, in my case it's more like ignore them and flirt for all I'm worth with Aiden. Which would explain why I'm dressed to the nines and hanging onto his every word. Why I'm steadily ignoring the eyes I can feel on me, the way they trail over my semi exposed back, the way they darken with something like lust when I can't help but look into them for a few seconds every know and then.

So here I am listening to Aiden talk about basketball and UCLA, of his hopes to get a scholarship and finally buy that motorcycle he's always wanted. I'm listening to him make plans that subtly include me. Listening to him talk about how we'd take a drive down the coast when he's got the bike, how he'd even go slowly so I don't freak out and all it's doing is tightening a rope around my neck that I never knew was there. 

All his quiet promises of a future with an 'us' in it makes me have to fight my tightening throat for another breath of air, because when I think about the future these days...Aiden specifically just doesn't fit into the picture any more. 

Thing is he should. He should because he's hot (and male) and I'm hot (and straight) and that's how these things work. You don't see Brooke running off with Peyton in One Tree Hill! Joey never told Dawson and Pacey to go hop on a boat together and sail off into the sunset while she cuddled with Audrey. No, because that's not how it works for girls like me and guys like Aiden. 

So I'm going to ignore the little voice in my head that says Carmen would never bore me, that I could happily imagine myself as an old, yet still stylishly dressed, woman sitting and bickering with her. Holding her wrinkly old hand and touching her hair that would go silver gray with age. I'll ignore the warmth that floods my chest when that picture, that fits somewhere inside me so well, flashes through my mind, because that's not me.

Because this feeling is just temporary, you see? It really is, because like I said, I'm completely straight. This is just a hiccup, nothing more. 

"Have you talked to Ashley about Prom yet?"

The question startles me, makes me look away from the figure leaning with a smirk against the wall on the opposite side of the room. 

"What?"

Aiden gives me a toothy grin, stops when it jars his still sensitive nose.

"I was asking if you've told Ash we're going to Prom together yet."

He steps in a bit closer, his arms going gently around my waist as he waits for my answer. An answer I don't want to give, I can't give, because I still haven't asked Ashley yet. I mean there's a part of me that doesn't know if it's worth all the trouble anymore. Yet a big part of me wants that fantasy still, wants the boy in the black tux pinning a corsage to my dress.

"I...well, no. I haven't told her yet, or asked her or whatever. I'll get to it though, maybe even do it tomorrow morning."

The way his face lights up at that makes something in me stir. It's something small, yet reassuring, because it shows me that there's still a part of me, a very _small_ part, that feels something for this boy. That still wants to be wanted by him. He may not be the guy I want to marry or grow old with, but I still like him. I still care about him, about a boy. 

See? So not gay. 

When he pulls me closer, when he gives me a gentle hug, I hold on to him and I like that he's tall and strong. I like that he's body is so firm and warm against my own. It doesn't feel like it did with Carmen, but it _does_ feel good. So good and right and normal and I hold onto that thought tighter than I hold him in that moment. 

"I'm glad to hear that, Kyla. Really glad."

The relief in his voice matches my own. Matches the relief that flooded me when it felt so normal to stand and be held by a boy. 

When he pulls back he's got a smile on his face, but it only last a second before his mouth drops open.

"Oh wow, isn't that Michelle Jones like _hugging_ Carmen?"

The way he says it is in the way any teenage boy would say it. There's a leering tone to it, a tone that tells me he's already off imagining a number of dirty things. 

Mind you, by the time I turn around to see that yes, it _is_ Michelle Jones hugging Carmen, my mind switches off. It goes off, because she's not just hugging Carmen, she's basically humping her backside or something. I mean she's practically wound herself around her! All close and clingy and...and...and...

And then I'm walking as fast as my heels will allow me, my eye twitching and my palm itching to...to slap someone. Maybe Carmen for letting someone else touch her like that or Michelle for daring to touch what doesn't belong to her. 

In the end the little bit of sanity that hasn't left me yet decides to be tactful about this, so I just shove Carmen with my shoulder, almost sending her down on her ass. 

"Oh hey, sorry. I didn't see you there."

I give a nice, polite smile, my eyes flashing over Carmen who seems to be trying to hide a smirk and that just...ticks me off. I mean this wasn't me being jealous of anything after all, this was me helping a friend out. Carmen said she liked me, so it's just logical to assume that she wouldn't want some random girl rubbing up against her or touching her cheek. So this was really rather big of me, stepping in and rescuing her from an uncomfortable situation.

I'm a total saint for doing that!

"Yeah, Tink, it's no problem. I'm kinda used to you shoving me around, so..."

I just give a soft 'hmm' as I keep my eyes on Michelle, making sure she gets the picture. I mean I don't want her thinking it's okay to go touching people like that when they obviously aren't interested. It says a lot about her character, you know?

The dirty whore...

"You know what, Carm? I just realized I haven't said hello to the guys from the squad yet, so I guess I'll just..."

Then Madison shows up and things just go down hill. First she insults Carmen, then I insult her. Which leads to her insulting me and _that_ leads to Carmen insulting her. Which is sweet really, the whole Carmen defending me thing, but the point being there was a lot of insulting.

The thing with insults is that it leads to other things. Things like shoving and pounding noises and funny grunts and to my utter horror, a cracking sound.

The cracking sound would be Carmen's head being smashed into a wall. God, for a second or two my heart jumps out of my chest, but then Carmen rolls over and relief floods me in an almost paralyzing wave.

She's okay, she's conscious and she's okay. She's also bleeding. Her beautiful face is bleeding!

Oh God, _oh God_ please let her be okay?! Please...

"Jesus, Carmen, are you okay?!"

My hands find her face and I don't think I've ever touched anything as reverently as I do in that moment, as my hands cupped around her face gently turns her head to the side so I can see the cut.

It's bleeding so much and looks like it hurts and I just kinda want to cry for her. Maybe I want to cry, because my heart is still pounding painfully from seeing her head meet that wall, from hearing the sound it made. From the horrifying point two seconds I spent thinking she could be dead or something before she moved.

"Uh...yeah, I'm...uh...I'm fine. Just...fine."

Then I let a breath go that I'd been holding for a full minute, my chest deflating in relief. Of course that sensation lasts about as long as a chocolate doughnut on Spencer's plate.

"Are you sure, because if you are let me be the first to take this opportunity to ask if you've lost your feakin' mind?!"

I want to shake her, slap her, pull her hair! Mostly I want to hug her though, but I don't, because I'm too mad at her for getting herself hurt.

She scared the daylights out of me! 

I'm still pondering on how to kill her for making me have a heart attack at seventeen when Michelle presses a towel against Carmen's head. This alerts me to the fact that while she's alive and kicking, there's also a _river_ of blood pouring down her face!

"I'm taking you to the hospital, before you...before you..._bleed_ to death!"

After a conversation that left me feeling like _I _banged my head against a wall, I finally pull up at my house. She fought me the whole way, even suggested I simply drop her off on a bus stop for God's sake!

She was beyond infuriating! She's stubborn and argumentative and even with the head wound she managed to be suggestive and she just...she just drives me up the wall, you know?

Things didn't go too badly after that. I mean we obviously interrupted Spencer and Ashley doing...whatever it was they were doing, but they were nice about it. Ashley even seemed concerned for Carmen and didn't make one mean comment. 

By the time we settled in for the movie my heartbeat had finally returned to normal, the fear and adrenalin from the night leaving me tired and drained. So much so that when I feel Carmen shift behind me, feel her hands tangle in my hair gently running the strands through her fingers, I simply let myself relax into the touch. 

When the movie ends I can see how tired she looks, her head must be pounding too and that part of me that I'm trying so hard to ignore tells me to take care of her. To take her somewhere safe and warm and let her rest, so I do.

I ignore the look Ashley throws my way and I lead Carmen to my room, watch as she flops down onto my bed. Watch as her tired body melts comfortably into my bed as she smiles. It's nothing like her usual smirk, it's not teasing and it's not taunting. It's just a happy smile.

This is just...this is all just so confusing. 

The way I feel about her, the way I still maybe feel about Aiden. It all just feels like it's crashing down on me and I really don't know which side is up anymore. I know what I should want, what I've always thought I wanted, but here in front of me lies something so unexpectedly beautiful and I just...

I just...

"What?"

I just don't understand her and I don't understand myself either. I don't understand 'us'. So with a sigh I get in bed next to her and try to understand at least _something_.

"Why did you go and do that, Carmen?"

It's so quiet in the room, the darkness veiling our faces and hushing our voices, making it seem like there's not a single thing or person on this planet but us. When she pulls me near, her hand resting like it belongs in the small of my back, I actually believe that for a minute.

"Because I didn't like her insulting you."

It's both what I wanted to hear and what I dreaded hearing. It's just another small way in which she's breaking me, making my compass swing from North to South and back again. From straight to...not so straight.

"That's not a good enough reason to go get yourself hurt."

And it's not. I don't want her doing these things for me, I don't want to leave my mark on her in the form of a scar. I don't want her to hurt and I don't want to be the cause of it, but I know...

I know I'm going to hurt her, because girls like me go with guys like Aiden. It's what I've always expected from my life, it's what a part of me still very much wants.

"It was for me."

Then I'm a little overcome by the sincerity in her voice, by the simple statement that says so much. So I listen to that big part of me that sees us sitting on a bench somewhere with her wrinkled hand in mine and I kiss her. 

It's not long and it's not hard, it's really just the start of me saying goodbye. Sad part is I don't know if I'm saying goodbye to her or to Aiden. 

"I'm not gay, okay?"

Then she gives another of those genuine smiles and kisses me, her lips still half smiling as they press against my own.

"Hmm...we'll see."

As I pull her closer, as our bodies meet rather perfectly in the middle of my bed, I know that my decision is already made. As I press my face against the skin of her neck and feel her warmth seeping into me, I get that feeling again. The tears pricking my eyes as I shut them even tighter.

"And I really didn't appreciate that girl looking at you like you were an all you can eat buffet..."

I don't know why I'm saying that, why I'm admitting something that's just going to make this hurt more in the morning, but I do it. I also find my lips grazing her skin, my tongue tasting her and then I force myself away from her.

"Crap, straight girls don't do stuff like lick other girls, do they?"

I know they don't, so why I bother asking is a mystery. What I do know is that I wanted to feel her skin one more time, that I wanted to give the sad part of me that has a picture of her and me as two old woman together one last moment to cherish. 

So when my hand snakes around her neck and pulls her face towards my own, I finally know who I'm saying goodbye to. I maybe knew all along. 

Then when her tongue sweeps into my mouth, I don't think about it anymore. I simply feel. I feel as her heat washes over me, into me. I feel as her body settles on top of mine and her hands slip into my hair, pulling my face closer to hers. 

I sigh and moan as my hands find her skin, as the muscles in her back tremble at my touch. When she leans up and reaches for the hem of the shirt I borrowed her, I don't stop her. I simply rain kisses all over her chest, my lips gentle and soft unlike that first night we spent together. I don't want her to remember this as anything other than sweet and soft. 

I don't want my goodbye to hurt tonight. It'll hurt enough tomorrow.

When she sighs my name into the darkness, it fills my belly with so much warmth and want that I almost lose the little control I still have left. It takes me a minute or two of just pressing my cheek against her beating heart, her hand gently stroking my hair, to calm down enough to continue. When my mouth finds her breast, when I gently suck and tease and soothe it with my tongue, her body arches.

I sit up and settle her in my lap, her legs wrapping around my waist when my hands gently prod them to. She's shadow and moonlight when I look up at her, her face half masked and so beautiful that it steals my breath. 

"You're beautiful..." My mouth finds a swollen nipple again. "You taste like warm honey..." My hands run up the length of her thighs, cups the curve of her bottom for a moment, follows the lines of her back. "You feel like silk, so soft and smooth..."

Her breath hitches when my hand snakes back down and over the cotton of the shorts she wears, cupping her sex in my hand, feeling it pulse with heat.

"You're so warm...I just want to get lost in you. Can I get lost in you, just for a little while?"

For once she doesn't have words to answer me with, just bends her head down and kisses me, her hand covering my own and pushing it against herself even harder. Her other hand finds the hem of my own shirt, tugging at it once and I get the hint. She wants to feel me too. 

So I let her slide it over my head, let her look at me with eyes that burn so blue the dark can't hide it from me. Then I'm tugging her shorts off, feeling the blue of her eyes burning me as she watches my face the whole time. As she reluctantly removes herself from me for the two seconds it takes to shrug the unwanted piece of clothing from her body. 

Then it's skin on skin and lips on lips as she straddles me, as she leans down and wraps her arms around my shoulders kissing me so deeply. She moves against me, her hips rocking insistently and I answer the call her body sends my own as my hand slips down between us again. 

I stroke her once, swallow the gasp that's born in her mouth and dies in my own, and then let my fingers linger in her wetness. I want to remember this, _her_, the way she trembles almost helplessly in my arms when I faintly move my fingers. 

The way she nips my chin, the way her tongue darts out to stoke my own panting lips.

"Please, Kyla..."

I know what she wants, what she obviously needs at this point, but I want more. I want this to last, to linger. So I ignore her plea and go on doing what I want. Kissing her throat, her breasts, her beautiful mouth. My lips are a whispered touch across the cut on her eyebrow, a silent apology that she hurt because of me. 

All the while I let my fingers drift almost aimlessly in her warmth, my thumb brushing against her clit once or twice and I smile when she shudders each and every time. I'm not even really aware of her own hands on my breasts, of the way her mouth finds my neck, nibbling and sucking and breathing there. I simply feel her. 

Then when she can't take it anymore, when her hands find my hair again and she forces me to look her in the eye, I finally give in. I watch as her eyes close, as her teeth bite down on her lips when I finally enter her. Then my head tilts forward as my own eyes shut, as her face finds its place in my hair and my forehead rests against her breast bone. 

I let my hand trace the perfect bow of her back, all the while moving inside her, moving _with_ her. She grunts and pants as she moves faster above me, as she works my fingers deeper inside her than I hope anyone has ever been. I know she's near when her nails find my shoulder blades, when she strains to get her rhythmically thrusting body as close to me as possible.

Then I thrust hard into her, my mouth biting down gently on her nipple as my thumb comes down heavily on her clit.

She comes rather spectacularly. 

Tears are squeezed out behind her lids and her teeth sink into my shoulder, but I don't even flinch. I simply hold her shuddering body against me, my fingers gently stroking her as the last of the convulsions die down. 

Finally she goes limp, her body sagging heavily against me as she pants for breath. I told you I was good at this. 

She startles me when she sits up, her eyes burning into my own with something I don't want to give a name to. 

"Kyla, I lo..."

I cut her off, my lips sealing the words I _can't_ hear right now with a kiss that's desperate and hungry. She seems to understand, because her still shaking hands are on me in seconds. Stroking, caressing, gently stoking a fire that's already burning high.

It wouldn't take much to tip me over, my body so aroused by the sight of Carmen as she came that I'm sure I might burst out in tears if she didn't touch me soon. 

But I don't deserve her touch. I don't, because this was goodbye, nothing more and I never told her that. I deserve to sit here aching and throbbing, because she doesn't realize what this is. What I've selfishly done.

Yet I don't stop her when she kisses me back, when she pulls back to look me in the eye again.

"I want to taste you."

I lean forward, intent on giving her my mouth, to let her taste me for as long as she wants. 

After all, we only have tonight.

"Uh uh."

She shakes her head and smiles in a way that twists my stomach violently, that makes my breath hitch and my eyes narrow. Then when her slick body slides down my own I finally understand what she meant. Before I can stop her, before my conscience can wash me with guilt, she grips my hips and slides me lower. My head finds my pillow and almost immediately I arch up as her tongue sweeps over me. As she tastes and delves and probes me with sure strokes.

She slides her fingers into me and it's no more than three thrusts before my world shatters. Before I forget my name and what planet I'm on. Yet she doesn't stop, she moves and licks and nibbles until I shake and shudder and breathe her name like a prayer under my breath.

Only then does she settle next to me, does she turn me in her arms and stroke my back as I still whisper her name against the hollow of her neck. 

Then after what feels like hours my sanity returns, along with the guilt. Along with a certain hopelessness and tears. She's asleep by then, her breath even and warm as it caresses my skin each time she inhales.

Only then do I let myself cry for the girl in my arms, for what I'm going to do tomorrow morning and even for myself and the ache in my chest. 

I think for a little while tears are all I may have.

---------------------------------

**Okay, I'm fully aware that Kyla seems a bit out of character, but I didn't think she'd have much to joke about in this chapter. This chapter you can blame on the sequel that's already taking form in my head. I wasn't planning on doing one, but I've got something nibbling away at my brain and I know I'm going to end up writing one. **

**Once again I'm not all that comfortable writing a sex scene, but there you go. Kymen seems to bring out the smut monster in me, go figure! If you hated this chapter I'll completely understand, it's not my favorite either. I don't really like writing angst, but it was bound to happen some time. Oh and it's Spencer next if any of you were wondering.**

**So what did you think? Good, bad? Are your eyeballs on fire?! Let me know.**

**(When reviewing, or throwing rotten tomatoes, take into account that it's Easter Friday here and I'm all alone at home, so if you're going to criticize, do so constructively and gently!)**


	27. Spencer and the confession

**To all of those that have been patient enough with me and the lack of update, thank you. For those of you that want to throw me with something heavy, I probably deserve it! Sorry for the delay, but I'm more or less back on track I think.**

**So once again to all of those that took the time to read and comment, thank you very much. The support on this has been great and I really do appreciate all the feedback. You guys are sweet!**

**I don't own SoN, so don't sue me.**

Senior Year

Chapter 27

Spencer's point of view.

When I had my ear against Kyla's bedroom door and heard what I heard, the first thing that flashed into my head (besides the word 'ew') was the thought that somehow Kyla had betrayed me. That my best friend, the first person to give me a genuine smile my first day at King High, had stabbed me in the back.

If I was a better person, maybe my reaction would have been different. I might have imagined they were just...uh...wrestling? Maybe playing thumb wars and just being loud about it? I don't know, but the minute I heard a muted groan I knew what was happening in there and it hurt.

The thought that my best friend had been having...a _thing_...with my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend, but for all I know they've been at it like rabbits right from the start!

So I do what anyone in my position would do, I ungracefully stomp down the hall and back into Ashley's bedroom. I don't care that you could hear me in Croatia, I just wanted to get the hell away from that door and the ache that was forming in my chest. When I crashed down on her bed I sighed, because hadn't all four of us been lying here happily watching a movie not twenty minutes before?

Goes to show how much can change in a very short time. My perception of my best friend has been twisted and tarnished with a single moan uttered in an unguarded second. I wish I never listened to Ashley on this one. I could have gone my whole life without hearing what I heard and feeling the disappointment that followed.

I hear the click of the door as Ashley sneaks in, still intent on being as 'cloak and daggers' as possible. I want to smile at her, tell her I'm okay, but I find myself quiet and still on the bed. I'm just so...hurt.

"So, guess I was right then."

I nod my head, my tongue still not co-operating as my mind conjures up pictures of Carmen and Kyla doing all these...things. Doing them behind my back, maybe even laughing at stupid, virgin Spencer that didn't even notice the now obvious heat between them.

"Spence? Are you...are you jealous or something?"

The way she says it, the way her voice is small and quiet in her big room breaks my heart a little. She sounded scared when she said that and my heart reacts to that before my mind consciously catches up with her words. My arms are around her and I catch her eyes, my brain finally able to form sentences.

"No, I'm not jealous or something, just a little surprised and...well, hurt. I mean do you think they were doing stuff while Carmen and I were together?"

The need to reassure her, to let her know I'm all hers, without a doubt and pretty much forever, gives my words firm conviction. I never meant for her to take my silence as some sort of jealous fit over Carmen. I mean I'm with her now, my arms around her and her slow breath on my face and I'd never want to be anywhere else if it was at all possible. She's pretty much home for me now.

"Like you and I kissed while you were still with her?"

Oh, right. _That_.

I kinda, maybe, sorta forgot about that little detail. I can feel my cheeks start to burn as I drop my head down onto my chest, old shame and guilt rushing back to the forefront again.

Just goes to show, we all suck. People are just bad, aren't they? We hurt and lie and cheat and disappoint. We have moments of goodness and kindness, but our baser instincts are always there, ruling what we do. If we want? We take. That's what I did with Ashley the first time we kissed, regardless of how I knew it would hurt Carmen. So maybe this is the universe balancing itself out.

"Yeah, I guess I can't really judge them for doing what I myself did. Still, I don't like to think that Kyla would do that to me. That she'd betray me like that."

I swallow down the tears I can feel burning the back of my eyelids and throat, my own shame and my disappointment in Kyla making it hard not to just let the tears fall and get it over with. I would do it, cry, but I'm pretty sure Ashley would have a panic attack if I dared burst into tears. I get the idea she's not all that good with emotions and comfort and other peoples pain. Hell, I don't think she's all that comfortable with her own!

"Look, I don't think you should jump to any conclusions here, okay? She's your best friend and I really doubt that she'd do that to you, so just talk to her first. Hear her out before getting angry."

Her thumbs brush a soothing circle over my skin, her warmth seeping into me from that small point of contact. It's almost enough to distract me from the thought that Kyla betrayed me, but I'm human and I'm angry and also possibly PMS-ing, so I don't let it go just yet.

"Yeah and I never thought I'd ever end up cheating on someone, but I did, didn't I? So it's not impossible to think that they could've been..."

God, this is all so very soap opera of me!

I rest my head against Ashley's shoulder as I realize how right she is. I'm jumping to a hundred million conclusions here and all on the evidence of one little sound. One little moan is making me doubt my whole friendship with Kyla. I'm supposed to be smarter than that, I'm supposed to be a better friend than that.

"No, I think you're right. It's not fair that I get angry with her before hearing the whole story. She doesn't deserve that, not after being the best friend I've ever had. I'll talk to her in the morning about this."

Then her soft lips press a kiss against my neck and I can't help but smile. I'm so lucky to have her, to be standing in this room with _her_ warm arms around me and her lips on my skin. It's all that's important in the end.

"Just one more thing before we go to sleep."

I feel as she pulls back and smile again when she leans in to kiss me. Just her warm lips on my own for a second and suddenly I have other, more important things on my mind.

"What's that, Spence?"

I can't really say why I do it, but I basically tackle her onto her bed. We actually bounce once before we settle with her wedged between me and the bed as I lean over her. Wedged nice and firmly I might add.

Hmm...I kinda like the view from up here.

"Do we sound like that as well, all 'hmm' and 'ahhh' and soft moaning?"

She smiles at me, all white teeth and warm, red lips and it's all I can do to not just dive in and ravish her.

Yes, I said ravish, like they use in the 'Mills and Boon' books I found in my mom's shoe cupboard when I was thirteen and...uh...totally didn't read!

"Only one way to find out..."

Her voice is low and soft and _buttery, s_liding as smoothly up my spine as her slender hands are. For a second she just stares at me, her eyes promising so many things in that one millisecond, but I don't have time to process it as my eyes flutter shut, because she kisses me firmly and my head, metaphorically speaking of course, explodes.

I'm sure there are moans and ahhh's and even a couple of hmmm's, but I honestly don't know, because I can't concentrate on anything but her hands in my hair and my lips on her throat.

"You taste yummy."

She giggles at this, an actual girlie giggle escaping her perfect mouth, and I find myself once again smiling against her hot skin. I love how she surprises me everyday, how every day I learn a little something more about her.

There's so much I don't know about her, but everyday she lets me in just a fraction of an inch more and that's okay. I can deal with that, because she's worth it.

"I taste yummy? Not delectable, not exquisite, not divine, but _yummy_?"

Her voice comes out sounding offended, incredulous even, but I know she's teasing me, because her fingers are still kneading the muscles in my neck, still holding me down on top of her. That and she kept nipping at my lips as she spoke.

"Yeah, yummy. You're all...warm, like chocolate chip cookies fresh out the oven, just begging to be eat..."

Oh, wait, that's coming out wrong!

My face flushes bright red as I see her give a smile wicked enough to make a nun drop down onto her knees and do a hundred 'Hail Mary's'.

"To be eaten?"

Oh God, just shoot me now! I groan and drop face first into her cleavage, causing Ash to laugh. With every chuckle she gives my head bobs a bit and I groan again.

"Shut _up_!"

I try for annoyed, but the fact that I'm kinda laughing too means I fail rather horribly.

"God, Spence, you're so flushed I can feel your cheeks burn my chest."

She lifts my mortified face off her sternum and cups my cheeks, her nose crinkling adorably as she looks me in the eye.

"Aw, come on, it wasn't _that_ bad, Spence. Besides, this gives me hope..."

I frown as I try to figure out what she means, the swell of her tank top covered breasts gently brushing against my bare arms as she breathes distracting me somewhat.

"Huh?"

Articulate of me, I know.

She smiles and kisses the tip of my nose.

"It tells me you're at least thinking about it..."

I bite my lip, because thinking about it is an understatement. For two years I've dreamed about it, fantasized about it while writing a History test (which I completely tanked) and even maybe filled half the pages in my diary with things I want to do to her. The places I want to kiss, the places I want _her_ to kiss...

"I do think about it...have thought about it for much longer than you could imagine really."

I know I might be saying too much, that this could potentially freak her out, but it wanted to be said. She deserves to know she's wanted, that she's always been wanted and that she always will.

Her face is solemn now, the hands that had been semi squishing my cheeks together relaxing and gently tracing my cheekbones. The way she looks at me is almost reverent and it steals my breath just a little. She's looking at me like you would at something precious, something priceless...

"How long?"

I want to close my eyes to hide the slight embarrassment I feel at revealing this to her. To opening up and letting her now just how long I've loved and wanted her from afar.

"You sat in front of me in English during our Sophomore year. It was like only my second day or something and I was so shy. I remember just sliding down in my seat, just trying to make myself stand out as little as possible. Then while I'm sitting there trying to be oh so cool and inconspicuous, I hear this humming and it's like...beautiful. I remember sitting there and listening to you sing and hum through that whole class."

I take a breath, lean down and kiss her once. Just needing to feel her against me in this moment.

"I've wanted you ever since. I mean I didn't know it just yet, but that was when it happened. When I..."

I trail off again, a little bit because I'm still unsure of saying it and just a little lost in the memory of being fifteen years old again. Of being in awe of this girl lying beneath me. Of not being able to get the simple word 'hallo' out of my mouth that first day. Maybe things would have been different if I'd had the courage to just introduce myself back then.

Probably not though as I was awkward and clumsy and still had braces back then. Not a good look on any fifteen year old really.

"I knew today on that couch, when we were..."

She bites her lip, making her expression seem nothing but wanton and I feel it, that look, in some really _interesting_ places. The fact that I remember what we were doing on that couch, the things she made me feel, the way she touched me, all of it making my breath come just that little bit shorter. My eyes never leaves hers as she continues.

"When you let me touch you, that's when I knew that I wanted you. Really wanted you and not just your body. I want everything, Spence. I want your body, I want your soul and most of all I want your heart, because you've already got mine."

She doesn't give me time to speak or cry or have a heart attack, just leans in and kisses me. Kisses me softly and sweetly and so casually that you'd never expect she just basically confessed that she was in love with me. That she shattered my mind with a few words

_Her_, Ashley Davies, in love with _me_, Spencer Carlin.

The words actually left her lips, I heard them with my own two ears! She loves me.

She. Loves. Me.

This feels better than the first time I lay eyes on Disney World when I was nine. It was a day filled with candy floss and Snow White and rides on a tea cup and Glen throwing up and Mom and Dad actually laughing together and just basically the best day I ever remembered having.

This beats that day by about a hundred million times.

"Spence...hey, Spence?"

I blink once, twice, trying to clear the fog of giddy delight that's settled over my mind. I'm all afloat in warm, fuzzy feelings. All for this girl, this girl that _loves_ me.

Ha! She loves me!

You hear me universe? I'm loved by the most beautiful, wonderful, exciting creature on this planet!

A creature that's rocking my world a little more literally than usual when she gives my shoulders a firm shake.

"Uh..yeah?"

She frowns, her eyes big and brown and loving, as she stares at me for a second before shaking her head.

Oh, have I mention yet that she _loves_ me?!

"You don't think you should, oh I don't know, say something back maybe? Maybe at least kiss me if you can't _verbally_ reassure me? It's not polite to just let a girl hang like that."

Oh, right! Of course, this is the part where I...

"God, yes! So much! I mean yes, I love you too. A lot! Like more than I ever loved anything else before, even chocolate brownies back when I was chubby and that was _a lot_!. Or my Mom and Dad, though that's _obviously_ a whole different kind of love, but still..."

I would have gone on and on and on if Ashley didn't save me by just flipping us over and kissing me pretty much breathless. You can't really babble on if you don't have a single breath left in your chest, _thankfully._

"It's okay, I get it. I really do."

Her voice is soft and gentle, but I just know she's trying her hardest not to laugh at me. She thinks it's hysterical when I babble like an idiot.

I'm pretty sure the urge to laugh at me leaves her when I pull her down all the way, my mouth meeting hers in a fervor as my hands find her hips and squeeze. I kiss her with love and passion and devotion. With all the things she makes me feel and all the things I now know she feels for me.

"I love you and I always will, Ash. No matter what happens, no matter how much time passes, you're my first and only love. Remember that, okay? _You_ were my first, my first _everything_."

I kiss her then, my intention clear as day after that statement. I wasn't ready before, I may not be ready now, but God knows I want this. I want her.

So I kiss her and pull her closer still, feel her heart thump against my own as she whispers things against my hungry mouth. Words that I don't really hear, because my heart beats so loudly and my blood flows so fast that everything just fades away.

There's only touch. Only hands and lips and tongues and fingernails trailing down my side as we tangle on her bedsheets. As her mouth finds my own and we dance that peculiar dance that only mouths in perfect sync can do. As her hips push against my own and I faintly make the words 'love' and 'forever' and 'more' out as they tumble from her wet lips.

As my suddenly brave hands gently tease more broken words from her mouth, as they find the delicate, soft skin of her back, as I slide her shirt up and give into the impulse to finally touch her like she touched me. To take what I want. What I've wanted for such a long time.

Her weight in the palm of my hand, her hitched breath in my ear, it all fills me with a pressure. It builds behind my eyelids, fills my chest heavily as it finally settles between my thighs and makes every sensation, every wet, needy kiss feel somehow heightened. Makes her warm breast in my hand, the suddenly pebbled nipple pressed against my palm, almost burn me. I'm lost in sensation and skin. In warmth and texture.

I'm lost in Ashley.

"_Carmen! Oh, God, Carmen!"_

And suddenly I'm not so lost anymore.

We both freeze as the sound of Kyla basically screaming her head off reaches us. I groan and roll out from under Ashley, the mood so thoroughly shattered that I think I may just burst out in tears.

I feel more than see Ashley collapse onto the bed next to me, her body hitting the bed like a dead weight making me bounce a little.

"We're so not having sex now, are we?"

The words are muffled by the pillow she buried her head in, her hands balled into frustrated fists by her sides.

I'm faring no better, my whole body still tingling and quivering with unfulfilled need as I stare up at her ceiling.

"Uh..no. That was basically the equivalent of having ice water thrown down my back."

It's true, I think I might have the sound of Kyla screaming like that stuck on repeat in my head. It's so..._disturbing_.

Ashley mutters something about a shovel and slides off the bed, her eyes intently searching the floor for something.

"You looking for something, Ash?"

She absently nods her head, not even looking at me.

"Yeah, my shoes."

I frown, fully aware that my brain is still somewhat dazed by the whole...groping and kissing, but I'm pretty sure she would have lost me even if I was fully coherent.

"Uh...why do you need your shoes?"

Ashley finally looks up and gives me a rather sadistic smile.

"So I don't get my feet wet when I bury their _dead_ _bodies_ in the back yard."

For a second or two I actually toy with the idea of helping her find her shoes, but then my good Catholic upbringing finally kicks in and I lean over to pull her down, holding her close against me.

"As much as I would _love_ for you to kill them right now, I'd rather you don't. 'Cos I doubt they'd give us conjugal visits if you go to prison."

It's a very valid reason and Ashley seems to see the wisdom of my statement as she slumps against me.

"Ugh, damn you and your Vulcan logic."

Vulcan logic?

"Did you just say Vulcan logic?"

Ashley nods her head and smiles happily, pulling my arm around her tighter.

"Yup, I sure did. I wasn't gonna tell you this yet, but I'm a bit of a 'Trekkie'. You see you already told me you love me, like unconditionally and shit, so you can't take it back just 'cos I watched a couple of episodes of Star Trek. Or because I actually have the full DVD collection of both Voyager and Deep Space Nine hidden in the back of my closet."

A Trekkie.

I'm in love with a closet Trekkie.

Well...

"Uh...okay, it's completely okay."

I kiss her head once, my mind still trying to meld the two pictures I have of Ashley in my head. One of a bad ass chick that parties hard and bitches freshman out and the other of Ashley watching her hidden stash of Star Trek episodes.

"You don't actually go to any of the conventions or anything, right?"

She chuckles sleepily in my arms, her warm mouth finding the palm of my hand in a quick kiss.

"No, Spence, I don't. Well, I mean there might have been that _one_ time when I was eleven..."

I just close my eyes and pull the bedspread over us, making a mental note to ask her if she has any photo's of her eleven year old self with a Klingon or something in the morning.

**This here's the part where I ask you if you liked it and if you didn't, why not? Feedback is helpful and especially at this point where things are almost over. (Until the sequel that is!) I know I was supposed to do the whole confrontation between Spence and Kyla, but it felt wrong adding that with where I ended up stopping here, so it'll come later. **

**I also just wanted to thank all of you that have been supporting me with my new Spashley fic 'Do you know what I'm seeing?' I'll definitely update that more regularly once I finish off this story. **


	28. The one where the shit hits the fan

**To the reviewers, thank you! I was pleasantly surprised by some of the genuinely sweet and touching things that were said by some of you, I don't know if it's all that deserved, but know that all your comments and encouragements were taken to heart. This story has from the start heavily relied on what you guys said and wanted, so if it wasn't for you all I wouldn't have come this far. **

**I'll stop there and leave the big 'thank you' for the last chapter that should be coming soon. This as it was, is the last Carmen chapter. Still, I know some of you don't actually read her chapters, but a lot more than just Carmen stuff gets sorted here. This is basically the chapter where the shit properly hits the fan. Everyone appears in this one, so if you're going to skip it the next chapter will make no sense whatsoever!**

**Warning!**

**Angst. Lots and lots of angst. Also lots and lots of swearing!**

**Don't own SoN, so don't sue.**

Senior Year

Chapter 28

Carmen's point of view.

There are so few things in life as wonderful as waking up and being completely wrapped up in someone else. Legs and arms and even hair so entangled that there's no you and her, there's just a collective 'us' lying in the middle of her warm bed. Maybe this is stupid and sappy of me to say, but I want this. I could be happy for the rest of my screwed up life if I woke up every morning to an 'us'. A me and a Kyla all entwined on a big, warm, well used bed.

Because I love her.

I would have said it last night when she shattered me in every way possible with her mouth and hands and those eyes of hers that simply look at me and make me shiver. I really would have, but she didn't give me a chance. She cut me off and looked so scared and I just couldn't try to say it again, not when it would have freaked her out or hurt her in some way just so I could feel better about all of this.

So I kept quiet and I tried to show her how I felt, how much I crave her and need her and just simply want to make her feel nothing but good. How if it was up to me, she'd be nothing but loved and touched and appreciated for the rest of her life.

Fine, she'd be teased and baited and maybe even irritated on a daily basis, but I'd do it lovingly, I promise!

Thing is she's lying here next to me, or more accurately pressed up close and warm against me, and now nothing is stopping me. She's asleep, securely and warmly in my arms with a soft smile clinging to her equally soft mouth, completely oblivious. I could say all the things she wouldn't let me last night. I could say it and I'd know I was brave enough to say it out loud, even if it is only to a sleeping Kyla and the warm sunshine drifting into her window.

It's almost surprising, this mushy need in me to say it, to have it out there in the world. Me, Carmen Garcia, the resident thick skinned lesbian freak who'd rather eat broken glass than admit to such a weakness as love. Maybe all the lack of oxygen during my orgasm last night damaged my brain or something. That's the only real explanation I have for turning into such a fucking emotional marshmallow.

Still when I press my lips close to her ear, hoping my words will somehow drift into her dreams and stay with her even if only subconsciously, my heart feels lighter and happier than it has in the longest time. Actually, I can't remember ever feeling this...unburdened.

"You...you've made _everything_ bearable. You've made my mother and family and my crappy apartment and all the shit I take at school just seem insignificant. Thank you for that. Thank you for wanting me last night, for making me forget to be angry or sad or mean, for making me just feel something other than shit. I...I love you for that. I just...I love you..."

And fuck me, am I actually crying?! Seriously, this is so bullshit, the whole bawling my eyes out like a baby over girls every second week. Where'd my dignity go?

"See what you do to me, Tink? You've turned me into this emotional, crazy chick that watches people sleep and gets all warm and fuzzy at the idea of being able to do it for fucking ever and you're not even conscious right now! You're doing this to me in your sleep and I just...Aw, fuck it. You're beautiful when you sleep, you know that?"

Is it creepy to kiss someone when they're not even conscious? I mean I'm pretty sure if I woke up and found someone kissing my cheek, staring at me all gooey eyed and making pathetic love declarations I'd freak the fuck out.

Still...

"You're like, _really_ beautiful and smart and you're sharp enough to keep up when we bicker...but I kinda like that there's less back chat this way too. You're actually easier to talk to like this, all unconscious and quiet. You know you never shut up? I mean I kinda like that about you too, but it's hard talking to you when you never give me a chance. You should, you know..."

It looks like she likes me doing this, talking to her softly while she sleeps, because I swear to God she almost purrs like a cat and holds me tighter.

"You should give me a chance and I might tell you all these things and you'd see how good this'll be. How un-_fucking-_believable we'd be together. Open your eyes and I'll tell you, just open them and give me a chance...please?"

Of course she doesn't open her eyes, she just makes another kitten sound and wiggles her nose a bit.

Fuck you too universe, that was supposed to be my moment!

Then a door slams down the hall super freaking loud and Kyla's eyes do pop open. She also kinda flies up and smacks her forehead against mine, making me shut my eyes and fight pretty damn hard to not start bawling again.

Ow. Just lots and lots of ow.

"Christ, I knew you were hardheaded, but damn that was just...ow."

I give Kyla a weary stare while I lie back on the bed, my hand rubbing gently over the newly added bump.

"You're one to talk, Tink. Now just do me a favor and check if my head's split open any further than it already has, will you?"

I try to ignore the fact that she leans over me, her fingers hovering over the band-aid, completely bare chested. I don't think she realizes it yet and I'm nowhere near noble enough to tell her, so I just lie there and enjoy the show.

"Sorry, I kinda forgot about your head. You feeling okay? I mean last night wasn't too...We didn't make the head worse by...uh..."

She looks away then, swallows hard and I think she might even be blushing a little. Aw, my little firecracker is embarrassed that we had loud, hot as fuck, earth shattering sex. _Again_!

"Don't worry, my head exploded last night in the best way possible. Your's too if I remember correctly."

I smile as I lean up to kiss her, her full mouth and bare breasts on display just too much to resist, but I lose the smile when she turns her head away quickly and I end up kissing her cheek for the second time this morning.

What the hell's that about?

"Kyla?"

I want to say it angry and pissed off, because I'm feeling a little of both those things, but it comes out tiny and unsure. She definitely notices, because when she looks back at me there's something in her face and the way that she looks at me. Something that makes me go from unsure to full on panicked.

She's looking at me like she's feeling sorry for me.

"Look, about last night..."

Her eyes flicker away and she swallows, her hand unconsciously tightening it's grip on my shoulder as I feel an invisible elephant settle on my chest. No way is she going to be spewing that shit about this being a mistake, about us just forgetting it happened.

She started this last night, she was the one that kissed me!

"Don't even say it was a mistake, because I swear to God I'll smack you upside the head if you do! Last night was...we...don't say that was a mistake, okay? Because we both know it was the farthest thing from it. Last night was the greatest night of my life and I'm not letting you fuck that up by calling it a mistake. Now get dressed before I lose the little self restraint I've got and take you again!"

That seems to get her attention and she practically jumps out of bed, making a grab for her discarded pajamas and making a bee line for her bathroom. I never get why people get all modest the morning after. I mean hello, last night I was kissing and touching about three quarters of that body that she's too shy to let me see in the morning!

Still, it's better that I don't see her naked, 'cos I wasn't joking about wanting her again. It'd be the easiest thing in the world to just let my hormones and heart take over, but there's breakfast to be had and friends waiting downstairs.

So I get dressed and run my hands through my hair, straightening it out and then I make my way to the one of the guest bathrooms. By the time I'm done I find Kyla sitting on her bed, looking so deep in thought I almost leave her be.

"Hey, we should probably head downstairs."

She turns to me, her eyes unnaturally shiny and I feel that elephant press down heavier on my chest. She can't really still be doubting this thing between us after last night, can she?

"Yeah, okay."

As she passes me I grab her hand, my fingers gently tangling with hers and I give her my best smile.

"We can talk about last night if you want, but not this morning, okay? Let's just go and enjoy breakfast and worry about everything else later. Please?"

The hand in my own tightens it's grip, wordlessly agreeing and it's enough for me. Later we can fight about it and she can throw her little tantrums, but right now I just want to enjoy the moment.

I want to enjoy spending the morning with the girl I love after having my way with her the night before. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

Still, before we enter the kitchen Tink drops my hand like it's a burning coal, but I get it. It's not like I'm one of those people that have the need to sky write the fact that I'm gay and with someone in the air. It's my business and no one else's, so I don't feel offended that she's not ready to let anyone know yet.

I'm cool like tha...

Oh holy mother of God that's hot!

Spencer Carlin you dirty, _dirty_ girl!

So this morning just got even better. I mean it's not everyday you wake up after a night of hot lovin', only to be greeted with the sight of two gorgeous girls pushed up against a fridge door feeling each other up.

"Oh God, I'm sorry! We're so sorry, we didn't think you'd be...uh...well..."

I almost feel the need to follow through with my threat of smacking Kyla upside the head when she speaks. I mean really, there's nothing wrong with quietly watching and waiting for them to finish their little...embrace.

It wouldn't have killed me to watch is all I'm saying.

Spencer almost jumps a few feet into the sky, plucking her hand guiltily from under Ashley's shirt at the same time. Ashley for her part is still leaning against the fridge door, her face flushed and her eyes a little glazed. Blinking all slow and stupid like.

Go Spencer! I didn't realize the girl had it in her.

"Kyla! Carmen! Uh...hi, I mean good morning. Did you...you know...sleep well?"

Spencer straightens her own tank out a bit and then looks over at Ashley who looks like she might actually burst out in tears at any moment, the disappointment on her face _that_ clear.

"Worst timing ever, Kyla. _**Worst. Timing. Ever**_!"

Kyla cringes as Ashley says this, as we watch the obviously frustrated girl actually palm her face and shake her head miserably. Poor thing looks like she's seconds away from pulling her own hair out. I'd be too if I was interrupted while I was busy basically going at it in the kitchen with my super hot girlfriend.

"So, what's for breakfast?"

I walk in and sit down, trying to get some semblance of normalcy. No point we all stand around and stare at each other like a bunch of deers caught in headlights.

"Breakfast...right. Well, we were going to make pancak-"

Kyla almost falls off her chair as she throws her hands up in the air, cutting Spencer short.

"No! No pancakes! Let's just do omelettes or something."

Spencer just gives her an unsure look and then nods her head slowly, like she's afraid that Kyla might attack or something if she makes any fast movements.

"Okay, how about we just do cereal?"

Ashley finally seems to pull herself together as she sits down, putting a box of 'Coco Puffs' down on the table. Kyla finds the bowls and spoons and we all go quiet for a minute or two just pouring milk and settling down. Then when we're all settled with a bowl of cereal in front of us, Spencer looks up and the mood subtly shifts somehow.

She shares a look with Ashley who only nods her head and then turns to Kyla, whose watching the table top as she shovels cereal into her mouth.

"How long have you been sleeping with Carmen?'

That sends soggy 'Coco Puffs' flying over the table.

I really wish I could blame Kyla, but that was all me. I mean it was choke in surprise or spit it out and I've got something worth living for now!

"What?!"

For a second or two Kyla's shocked eyes meet my own, then they jump back to Spencer.

"I mean...uh...what?"

Oh good one, Kyla. _Real_ smooth.

Of course, I see where this is going almost immediately. I can see it in the almost angry set of Spencer's jaw and the way that Ashley watches her face anxiously. So I take Tink's hand firmly and square my shoulders.

"It's not like that, Spencer."

It would have probably gone over better if Kyla didn't basically rip her hand out of my grip and almost tip over her cereal bowl in the process.

"Then how was it, Carmen? Tell me, because from where I'm sitting it looks like my best friend slept with my girlfriend behind my back and that...I don't want that to be true."

I sigh, because _she_ was the one who cheated, so I don't exactly appreciate the way she's looking at me and Kyla, but like I said I understand where this is coming from.

"God, no! How can you think that?! I would never, _ever_ do that to you, Spence. I can't believe you just said that."

Kyla's shaking her head, her eyes so big and hurt I almost want to just slap Spencer for even thinking something that stupid.

"Well how's it supposed to look, Kyla? Last night you're screaming her name out and you've been flirting since the freaking night you met! I mean...just tell me, okay? How long?'

Kyla's still sitting there, mouth gaping open like a goldfish as she looks at Spencer.

"The day you broke up with me, I ran into Kyla in the bathrooms. I guess she felt sorry for me or something, because we ended up hanging out and getting drunk. That's how it happened, okay? Nothing before that. The flirting wasn't even something I realized we were doing until after the fact, you know. So it's not what you think, she didn't betray you like you betrayed me."

That shuts her up, brings a guilty blush to her cheeks and drops her eyes down to the table. I'm playing dirty and I don't want to, but if it comes down to hurting Spencer over watching Kyla hurt, it's just not in me to choose any differently than I have.

It hurts me to throw that back in her face, because I honest to God forgave her for that and I even understand what happened with her and Ashley, but it needed to be said.

"Now look, we're going off track here. So stop with the bitching and the blaming and let's just talk honestly, okay? No one wants to say anything that's going to end up hurting someone else or cause trouble later on. We're all friends here, aren't we? So let's act like it!"

I didn't expect Ashley to be the voice of reason here, or expect to see her even directing some of those reproaching words towards Spencer, but she does. It also doesn't escape me that she said we were all friends. It's kinda nice to know.

"I'm...I'm sorry, okay? I just...the thought that you'd do that to me hurt, Kyla. It did, but I also believe you if you say you didn't do that to me. I'm just sorry I had to ask, but if I'd left it it would have driven me crazy and I'd have ended up taking that out on you and..."

She leans closer and takes Kyla's hand and I can see she's five seconds away from crying. They stare at each other for a full minute, saying things that only they understand with their eyes and hands and silence. They're reading each other like best friends do, in that way that only best friends can.

"It's okay. I mean I'd probably have gone totally bonkers if the positions were reversed, but you've got to know Spencer, it meant nothing. We were both just in a bad place and I made a bad decision, but it's not happening again."

Jesus Christ, she's actually saying that like she means it! She's actually sitting there after a night like last night and calling what happened between us nothing. Making something beautiful into something cheap and ugly, like we were just using each other and not falling in Goddamn love!

I think I may actually throw up.

"Are you serious?! Are you really sitting there and lying to her, to yourself, about this? I get that you're scared, I do, but this isn't going away just because you wish it would. I was all for the chase, I really was because you're worth it, but God knows it hurts me too much to hear you talk about last night like this. Last night was anything _but_ two people in a bad place fucking each other to feel better. So don't say shit like that unless you truly, wholeheartedly believe it, because even I can only take so much before giving up..."

There's so much noise in my head right now, so many voices telling me all the things I've known most of my life.

You're nothing but a freak, Carmen.

You're worthless, Carmen.

No one wants someone like you, Carmen.

You'll never be good enough, Carmen.

All the voices, all the Madison's and the Glen's and the pieces of shit brother's and father's voices mingle in my head in that moment. She can't _not_ feel about me the way I feel about her. She just can't. She was proving all those voices wrong, she was making everything bearable and I just wanted to be happy. She was making me happy and now she's breaking my heart.

_She doesn't love you, Carmen._

It's my own voice and it quiets all the other voices. That small, painful thought makes everything in me just quiet and cold. Maybe _I_ was lying to myself. Maybe I wanted it to mean more to her than it really did, simply because it meant so much to me.

Oh God, maybe it _was_ just her fucking me to make herself feel better.

I know I'm not crying, I'm too stunned and broken to cry much more, but I guess it's all showing in my face, because suddenly Kyla's biting her lip, teary eyed and Ashley, _Ashley_ of all people, has her hand over mine. Looking at me with something like pity and it cuts me deep.

She knows Kyla better than I do, right? So she must know that Kyla means it, that's the only reason I can think of that would make her act like this towards me.

"_Jesus_."

I think everyone shudders when I speak, when the pain I'm feeling practically tumbles out of my mouth in that single word. That single, broken sound filling this suddenly too quiet kitchen.

Ashley sits back, looks from me to Kyla, grabs a hold of Spencer's hand and just sits there shaking her head. Spencer's looking at me, stricken and sad.

And Kyla...

Kyla's crying and not looking at me. Looking at everything and everyone that isn't me, like I'm not sitting right here beside her hurting because of her.

And then the door to the kitchen opens and my day gets worse. My day gets the cherry on the fucking top when Aiden Dennison walks into the kitchen like he belongs there. Just highlighting the fact that I probably don't belong, not here in this kitchen or next to this girl.

"Hey guys, I thought I'd..."

He trails off as he takes us all in. Spencer and Ashley holding hands like lost children. Kyla with silent tears and a lip being worried by sharp teeth. Me just looking pale and quiet.

"Oh man, you told Ashley, didn't you, Kyla?"

Kyla's head shoots up and she swallows, panic clearly written on her face. I almost laugh at the sight, the way she's obviously having an 'Oh, shit!' moment. In a detached manner I sit there and numbly watch as Ashley's eyebrows draw together, as Kyla gets off the chair in an attempt to cut off whatever it is that Aiden wants to say.

"Damn, I wanted to be here with you when you told her. I mean I was only joking when I told you you'd have to tell her on your own."

Before Kyla can tell him to shut up or whatever it is what she wanted to say, Ashley chips in.

"What the hell do you mean? What were you two going to tell me?"

Kyla sits down in her chair, let's her head rest in her hands for a moment before she looks up and visibly straightens her back out.

"I'm going to prom with Aiden. We...we want to go as a couple."

I think I hate her. I think I really, _really_ hate her in this moment.

"Now before you get angry, Ashley, just try to see it from our side. I mean we've been through a lot, you and I, and what we had and what happened to us...I know it's a lot and this might seem like I'm just forgetting it all and moving on to your sister, but it's not like that. We care about each other and that's why we waited before we started anything. That's why we're asking you before starting anything."

Aiden stands with his hands held up, as if he's trying to physically protect himself from whatever it is that Ashley might do to him. A distant part of my mind wonders what it was that happened between them, what it is he's moving on from.

"You want to date Kyla? You two want to date each other? After...I mean...you're my ex and she's my sister. I mean she's my step sister, but she's my..._sister_. You're not supposed to move on so easily and especially not to _her_."

Aiden frowns now, looking like that was the wrong thing to say to him. I catch Spencer's eye across the table, her look probably mirroring my own. We're both a little lost here, because it's obvious there's something else being said between the lines here.

For a moment I actually get so lost in my own natural curiosity that I can ignore that Kyla's still sitting next to me like she didn't break my heart just a few minutes before.

"I'm not allowed to move on when you're sitting there holding Spencer's hand? When you've been moving on with guy after guy for a year now? It happened, Ashley, it happened and it hurt us both, but life goes on. This is me trying to life my life."

Ashley for her part pales, her hands shivering as she lets go of Spencer and settles them on the table in front of her. There's something painfully sad about her when she finally looks up.

"Life goes on? You're standing there and preaching to me about life going on so you can screw Kyla with a clean conscious? What do you know about life going on? Hmm? Were you the one that woke up bleeding? Were you the one that felt it happen? Did your baby die inside of you?"

The words are like cold water splashed in my face. It rips the detachment away and makes me suck in a shocked breath. God, as selfish as it seems, hearing those words from her mouth just made me realize that I might not have it as bad as all that.

I watch as Spencer shuts her eyes tight, like hearing those words hurt her as much as speaking them did to Ashley. I simply watch as she mouths Ashley's name and covers the girls shaking hands on the table, her eyes all the while still shut.

"No, Ashley, but you don't get to do that anymore. You don't get to ignore my hurt just because it's too difficult to deal with. You lost the baby, but I lost not just the baby but you too. You shut me out and I lost my best friend. Now I found someone that makes me feel better, that makes me look forward to the future and you make me feel like a shit for it. You get Spencer, so why don't I get to have who I want?"

I never stood a chance, did I? She was never meant for me, she was meant for him. She was meant to make a sad boy happy after he lost everything. Or maybe she was mine for just those two nights to at least remind me that I can be happy. I don't know, this is just all such a fucking mess.

Just a huge, fucked up, convoluted mess.

"Because Spencer wasn't there helping us pick out baby clothes and toys. Spencer wasn't there when we buried our baby. Because Spencer isn't my fucking sister!"

Everything is spiraling out of control. All of us are sitting here and we're getting more lost by the second. It's got to stop. It's got to stop before the whole entire universe tumbles down on our heads.

"Let them do what they want, Ashley."

I sound so old and tired when I speak, so much like my mother. So much like the world is on my shoulders.

"What? Wait, how's this any of your business even?"

I stare at Ashley long and hard before she looks over at Kyla and then back at me. I see that flash of pity on her face again, the one that tells me she just remembered exactly how this is my business.

"Let them do what they want and we'll all get what we deserve in the end. You have Spencer and you're lucky to have her, so hold on to that. Let Aiden have a taste of that, because it's obvious they've wanted this for a while and maybe it's the same for them as it is for you with Spencer. Maybe they love each other like you two do. Just...just let it go and enjoy the things you have right now, right this minute, because I think you and I can both appreciate that things get taken away. No matter how much you want something, you can lose it, so just stop fucking being afraid and holding on to this and just...enjoy it while it lasts."

Then I get up, push my chair back in it's place and walk out. I can feel eyes on me and I know it's Kyla, but I don't turn around. I don't, because I know they wont be saying the things I want to see in them. She's not going to stop me, she's not going to tell me that I'm wrong, that I didn't lose her. She's just going to sit there and watch me walk out of the door.

Watch me walk out of her life.

* * *

**As I mentioned in the beginning: The shit has hit the fan in this chapter.**

**I'm still not sure what you all will think of this chapter, but I'm actually pretty happy with it. I can only ask that you don't hate Kyla too much after this! I'd honestly love to hear your thoughts on this, like do you want one more chapter from Kyla's point of view to explain her decision better? Or can I continue on with the final chapter? **

**Also I'm actually going to attempt writing the last one in both Spencer and Ashley's point of view. I thought about doing it in the third person, but it just doesn't feel right to not give their first person account in the last one, so...**

**Hope you liked, if you didn't, tell me what was so bad about it. (Just please be gentle with my fragile little writer's feelings!)**


	29. Slow dancing in a burning room

**So here's my last thank you for this story:**

**I've said it on another site already, but here is where it really applies. If this story was any good at all, it's because of you guys. It's because you guys encouraged and helped me along the way, because you shared your opinions and still supported me even if I went in a direction you didn't like. Thanks for being honest and for caring about the characters. So many people said so many kind things, things that made it worth it in the end for me to continue this story, to plan a sequel for it. I would mention you all, but I'm so scared I'll leave someone out. So to each and everyone that ever reviewed this story, whether it be regularly or simply one time, thank you for taking the time to do it. Thank you for sticking it out this long and reading this. **

**I should warn that it gets a little...steamy later on in the chapter. Nothing too explicit I hope, but there's some girly loving, so if that offends you, stay clear.**

**I don't own anything, so don't sue me.**

Senior Year

Chapter 29: (Slow dancing in a burning room)

Ashley's point of view.

There's moments in your life you'll never forget. Moments that burn into your memory, that sink into your mind and gets replayed in dreams or nightmares for the rest of your life. Sometimes they're a good memory and sometimes they're not. The first time I kissed Spencer, the day I heard my father died, the day I found out I was pregnant, the night I lost the baby. Good and bad, stored forever.

Today, this weekend really, is all one big memory, both happy and sad at the same time. A combination of the two weaved together so tightly that I'll never be able to untangle them, I'll never be able to remember the happy without recalling the sad. Maybe because of the sad, the happy memories will always be _that_ sweet, you know?

The point is so many things happened in such a short time, so many both great and devastating things. I got to tell the girl I love what she means to me, but I also lost my best friend. I finally found trust in another person, in Spencer and her warm blue eyes, but I also lost respect for my sister. Or stepsister, whatever, the fact is I've loved and treated her as a sister ever since our parents married, so I see her as my sister and nothing less.

Now here I am, sitting in a kitchen filled with a sad silence, feeling Spencer's warm hand in my own and being both the happiest and the saddest I've been in a long time. I'm happy, because when the shit hit the fan Spencer was right there beside me. She didn't run away and she wasn't horrified, she was just there. She didn't leave me.

But I also just watched Kyla decimate Carmen, watched as she broke someone's heart and then went on to tell me she wanted to be with Aiden. She wanted the boy that got me pregnant. She wanted the boy that told me we'd get married and raise a baby together and live happily ever after.

Don't get me wrong, I'm over Aiden, so fucking over him it's not even funny, but I don't think I'll ever be over what happened between us. I won't ever be over losing my baby.

So no matter how happy I am to have Spencer, I'm also just so fucking sad, because I've also lost so much today.

"What's with Carmen? I mean when did she turn into Dr Phil?"

I hear Aiden's question and I actually cringe, because he's got _no_ idea what Carmen just did. He has no idea that a broken hearted girl just got him his get out of jail free card. Her words ring in my ears again, I can almost see her eyes go dark and quiet.

"_Let them do what they want and we'll all get what we deserve in the end. You have Spencer and you're lucky to have her, so hold on to that. Let Aiden have a taste of that, because it's obvious they've wanted this for a while and maybe it's the same for them as it is for you with Spencer. Maybe they love each other like you two do. Just...just let it go and enjoy the things you have right now, right this minute, because I think you and I can both appreciate that things get taken away. No matter how much you want something, you can lose it, so just stop fucking being afraid and holding on to this and just...enjoy it while it lasts."_

Five minutes ago I was so angry at him. I was angry that he was going to just forget the fact that there was once a baby, an us. That he wanted to go on and pretend it never happened and with Kyla of all people. I was just so angry and hurt and don't ask me to explain it all, because God knows I cant.

Thing is I don't want Aiden anymore, but it was always comforting to think he'd always be there. He'd always love me, so I'd never really be alone. So hearing he wanted Kyla, he wanted to move on from me scared me so much.

Then Carmen, hurt, sad Carmen, reminded me that I'm not alone even if I don't have Aiden.

I have Spencer and that's more than I've ever deserved.

"Just shut up, Aiden. Don't talk about Carmen, don't mention her name. You don't deserve to."

I'm startled by Spencer's strong, angry voice. I'm startled by the pure dislike I can hear and the way her hand grips my own so much tighter. She's actually shaking a bit and I forget about my own problems for a second as I finally take note of her red face and clenched jaw. Her eyes intense and slitted and almost dangerous looking.

I don't think I've ever seen her pissed before and I mentally smack myself for noticing that it makes her look _extremely_ hot. Like, I'm kinda twitching in my seat now hot, remembering how she had felt against me this morning when she'd slammed me up against the fridge. The way her body had moved suggestively and how her hand had immediately gone to my breast, it's warmth seeping into my skin and making me tremble.

How can I be sitting here, after all that just happened, and be getting turned on by her look right now and the memory of this morning?

Am I an insensitive pervert or what?

"Spencer.."

Kyla's tired voice washes over the room, but Spencer is up and out of her chair, her chest heaving as she takes large, calming breaths of air.

"No, Kyla, just no. I can't believe...I just...that wasn't right. That wasn't _right_, Kyla! You're not that person, you don't use people like that. It meant something, I know because I'm your Goddamn _best_ friend and I _know_ you. How could you do that? How could you just..._use_ her like that? Hurt her like that?"

Then I can almost visibly see when Kyla goes 'Snap!'. It's in the way her whole body actually shudders for a moment, the way she squishes her eyes closed and then opens them wide, tears shining in them. I can see how this is going from bad to worse and I'm simply too slow to stop it.

"So it's okay for you to do it, but I'm a bitch when I do it? You dated her, made out with her and all because you were curios about what it was like to date a girl! Then you dump her after you find something better and even cheat on her, but I'm the bitch? Screw you! Just screw you all! I never made her any promises, I never told her it was something it wasn't. So don't look at me like that, don't stand there and look at me..."

Then she promptly bursts into tears, loud, painful tears. Her whole body shakes as she buries her face in her hands, as she turns away and into Aiden's arms. He holds her, his face confused and worried and I can't be angry at her. I can't be mad at her, because I can see how much this hurts her. How confused she is.

How she's so obviously in love with Carmen Garcia and too scared to do anything more about it.

I can't say I understand it, I can't say I approve of what she's doing here, but I love her despite it. She's just so fucked up right now and that's something I'm familiar with.

So I just sigh and take Spencer by the hand, squeeze it once than pull her out of the kitchen and away from Kyla and Aiden.

Neither of us can do anything to make it all better right now. This is something Kyla has to work out for herself. I just hope she doesn't end up hurting herself and Aiden in the process. I'm pretty sure she's already crushed Carmen with her confusion and doubt.

When my bedroom door closes behind us, Spencer sags down onto the bed, her face pale and drawn.

"I shouldn't have said that."

It's not a question. She knows that it was probably the wrong thing to say, that it probably ended up hurting an already fucked up Kyla more.

"And we should talk about...about what you said in the kitchen."

She's hesitant when she says this, her voice soft and gentle and I realize she's probably afraid to bring it up. Then when I look at her, when I see how she's looking at me with nothing but love I make a decision.

"Would you like to go for a drive with me?"

Her face is questioning, but I can tell she's trying to be careful, probably not sure where I'm going with this. I'm not sure myself, but I know we can't stay in this house any longer. I want to go somewhere with her where we wont be interrupted. Where everyone else's issues wont disrupt us or distract us.

I want to be alone with Spencer. I just...I want her all to myself when we have this talk.

"I...okay. A drive would be lovely."

So we shower (separately to my great dismay) and get dressed. I'm surprised when Spencer doesn't go to the other room to do so, but like the day before she watches me as I put clothes on this time and she does the same. It's a comfort really, the way I feel her eyes on my skin, the way this feels so right and natural.

After the confrontation in the kitchen I need this, I need to feel wanted and loved and reassured and somehow this does it for me. Us getting ready together in the same room and her straightening my top for me, brushing the hair off my face. The way I can _feel_ how much she loves me in that simple gesture.

We don't talk, not for a whole hour or two as we drive in the soft rain that's still falling. I follow the coastline, the radio playing soft rock as Spencer's hand rests on my own. I feel like I could do this forever, sit in this car with Spencer and just drive. Just have the road open and full of possibilities in front of us.

Yet when I spot the turnoff in the road I know where I was heading all this time. Spencer just raises her eyebrow slightly when I pull up to an electric gate and punch in a code five minutes later. I still don't say anything as we pull up to the large house, the wet gravel satisfyingly crunching beneath my tires.

When I switch off the car and sit back in my seat, I finally turn to Spencer.

"My dad bought this two weeks before he died. We never got a chance to come here and spend time together as a family or anything, but my Mom could never sell it. I mean we never came here afterwards, but she's kept it clean and stocked with food I think. I know where the key is."

I get out and hardly feel the faint wetness of soft raindrops settling on my head and shoulders, I simply feel Spencer's warm hand in my own. I find the key and quickly unlock the door, punching in the security code and deactivating the alarm.

The house is large and quiet, the solitude of the white room with it's large windows that greet us making me stand still for a moment, just enjoying the view of the private beach before us.

"It's beautiful."

Spencer's voice is hushed, her eyes large as she looks around the room and out the windows and I'm suddenly reminded that not everyone is as lucky as me. Not everyone had rock stars for fathers and millions in trust funds. For some people a house like this is a dream that can never be reality.

"Let's go upstairs."

I know what I'm doing when I lead her up the stairs, straight to the master bedroom. The one with the big white bed and the view of nothing but ocean stretching for miles ahead. In the quiet surrounding us I can actually hear the waves crash against the rocks, the wind as it sweeps raindrops against the windows.

When she wraps her arms around me from behind, both of us staring out of the large windows, I finally let old hurts tumble out of my mouth.

"When I found out I was pregnant, it was probably one of the happiest days of my life. I was thrilled beyond belief and even Aiden was handling it well. I...it was just the most beautiful thing in the world to me, to think that there was a person, a small, tiny person inside of me and I helped give it life, you know?"

Spencer shook her head, her breath warm against my cheek when she speaks.

"I don't know, but I want to find out one day..."

She didn't have to say it, but I heard the silent '_with you'_ in that sentence. I heard it and I loved her in that moment more than ever before.

I wanted that too someday.

"Well, it didn't last. I mean the baby, the pregnancy...it didn't last. I was three or so months in when I...when I lost her. I can't tell you...I can't honestly tell you much about after. I don't remember the first few days. I was so out of it, so broken and sad and just...hurt. I mean I couldn't even help with the funeral, Aiden had to handle most of that."

I feel the tears running down my cheeks, feel the soft fingertips that wipe them away. Spencer doesn't say anything, just holds me even tighter.

"I was supposed to choose the name, but Aiden decided in the end. He named her Marie. I'll take you to her grave one day. It's nice, I always make sure there's flowers and stuff, you know so that it's nice and bright and colorful. Kids like that kind of thing, right?"

I like to think I'm taking care of her like that, that I'm doing what a good mother would do. I sing lullaby's when I go too, once sat for an hour telling her all the fairy tales I remembered my nanny telling me.

"That's...that's good, yeah. Kids love colors and flowers are good. Little girls would love flowers, I know I did when I was little."

Spencer's voice seems teary and I turn a little to see her face. To see she's crying a little too and I kiss her cheek.

"Don't cry. It's...it's getting better, everyday it gets better. You help a lot with that."

Spencer nods and then pulls away a little, stands next to me for a minute without saying a word. Then she sighs and turns to go sit on the big bed, her hands on her knees and her eyes on the floor.

"Do you still love Aiden? Is that why you didn't want him and Kyla to go to prom together?"

I almost laugh at this, but she looks so scared and strangely young sitting there, her lip being bitten firmly between two rows of white teeth and her hands fidgeting in her lap.

"I never loved Aiden the way I love you. He was just...I knew he loved me and that made me feel wanted. It was nice knowing that there was someone that wouldn't leave me...like my Dad did. That's why I got so angry when he said he wanted to be with Kyla, I just got scared, but then I remembered I have you know and this is a thousand times better than anything I ever had with him."

That and I couldn't pull away from her, I couldn't do what I would have done a few months back and just distance myself from every one. I couldn't, because I saw how Kyla pushed Carmen away and I saw the look on her face. I saw what it looked like when someone's heart broke, saw such raw pain and realized that was what Spencer would feel if I did what came so natural to me.

I never want to see a look like that on Spencer's face caused by me. Or anyone for that matter. So I couldn't pull away, no matter how much a big part of me wants to.

"So I've got nothing to worry about. Well, nothing other than Kyla and Carmen and the mess they're in."

I finally sit down next to her, pull her against me and run my hands through her hear, feeling her soft sigh against my cheek as she relaxes into the touch.

"You'll work things out with Kyla, because you _are_ her best friend and she's going to need you now, because I think we both know she's just scared and fucking up right now. I mean I get it, that could have been me. I don't know why I never freaked out like she did about feeling this way about a girl, but...Well, I guess it's just different for everyone, right?"

Thinking about it, I'm pretty sure if this happened a year ago, before the baby, I would have freaked out like Kyla. Maybe losing so much already has finally taught me to appreciate, no questions asked, the good things that come my way. Maybe I'm finally learning to live with all my loss and starting to enjoy the things I've since gained.

I'm like a fucking 'Lifetime' movie. Life's screwed me over so many times, but I've come out better despite it all.

It's time I started celebrating the fact that there are good things in my life, there are people that love me. That there's a girl that loves me, unconditionally and steadily, right next to me.

And what better way of celebrating that than finally...

"Can we have sex now?"

Spencer sputters and coughs, her face going red as her eyes bulge a little.

I guess she wasn't ready to change gears as quickly as I am.

"Uh...what? I mean...aren't we...really? Now?!"

Then I laugh, long and loud and happily. I laugh, because Spencer is beautiful and I love her. I laugh, because for the first time in years I'm not scared. I'm not worried about the things I could lose, I'm just happy to have what I have for however long I can have it and I'm done wasting time. Carmen was right about that.

"Yes, I want to enjoy the things I have and I have you, don't I?"

Spencer nods her head, her face still a little flushed, but she's starting to smile a bit.

"Good, because I'm also still insanely horny after this morning. God knows if you don't put me out of my misery soon I might just spontaneously combust."

Then I put words to action as I push her down onto the bed, my lips already fused to her sweet neck. Spencer giggles as I nip at the skin, her hands flung out across the bed and she finally laughs deep from her belly.

"You're crazy!"

I nod my head and press a few kisses to her mouth, my body settling comfortably on her own.

"Certifiable, but you already said you loved me, so shut up. You're stuck with me now and you know it. Besides, I've had a very traumatic morning and...and I just need you. I need you, Spence."

I went from joking to sadly serious in a few seconds and Spencer picks up on it, her hands coming up to gently touch my cheeks, her smile suddenly warm and intimate.

"Okay and just so you know, I need you too. All the time. In every way possible."

Then her mouth is on mine, solid and insistent. It feels like hours, like years that we just lie there and kiss. Her mouth and tongue soft and gentle and her hands warm against the skin of my back. She takes her time, travels from the cavern of my mouth to my jaw, her lips whispering softly against the skin until she finally nibbles on my sensitive earlobe.

"I need you to take off your shirt now."

Her voice is low and thick, like she just woke up or something, making my stomach clench with want. Making me burn low down in my belly, making me wet and weak.

I do as she says, leaning up and away from her, our eyes only breaking contact for the second it takes me to pull my shirt over my head, my bra following it to the floor a second later.

Then there's hands on me, warm hands that touch so softly it almost makes me whimper, because I want more. I want to feel all the strength and love in them, I want them to take what now belongs to them and only them.

I'm hers now, forever, and I want her hands to burn that into me with their touch.

"_Touch me_."

That's all it takes. My words whispered so desperately, more so than ever before in my life, seem to unlock something in Spencer, because suddenly she's everywhere. Her mouth is on my throat, her hands fully cupping both my breasts as they knead and tug and simply _touch_. As she slips her tongue out and tastes my flesh, as she feels the rush of my blood at my pulse point.

I don't know who makes the noise, the low growl that's emitted when her mouth closes over my nipple. Maybe we both make it, maybe I simply imagine it, but all thought and reason and awareness of anything but Spencer's mouth at my breast disappears in that moment.

I'm flooded with warmth, my center burning and wet and aching for more. For everything. For Spencer.

When her mouth and hands leave my breasts, I actually cry out. My hissed 'No!' bringing a smile to her wicked lips as she starts to tug at my skirt and my mind clears enough to know what she wants.

"Help me get it off. Help me get everything off."

Her voice is rushed as her hands shakily undo the zip on my hip, her mouth on my neck once again, like she couldn't bare to not taste me for that long. So I help, I actually stand up and drop the skirt, pull my panties down and then step forward to pull Spencer's own shirt over her head. Her jaw is clenched as I push her onto her back again, my hands tugging urgently at her belt buckle as her eyes roam my naked form.

When I tug her jeans down her legs and finally remove the last of the barriers between us, I almost cry.

She's beautiful. She's lying there, chest heaving and stomach muscles quivering and she's all mine. She's the most beautiful thing in this world and I'm never letting her go.

_Never_.

Then she shifts, her body flowing up in one graceful move and she's holding me. Her body, warm and naked and soft, is flush against my own and the sensation is over powering. Her smell and warmth and the pure _feel_ of her is enough to make me lose whatever self restraint I had left.

It's my hands that brand her, that burn their mark into her with every desperate touch.

We tumble back onto the bed and I shift, parting her legs as I settle myself against her. My hands fumble for her breasts as my tongue runs over her bottom lip, gasping when her hands find my ass and she squeezes, pushing me hard against her. Making me feel her heat, her wetness, her want.

I almost come in that moment.

Then I'm in her mouth again, my tongue tasting and teasing as my hips start to rhythmically meet hers. She moans and I quiver, my hands flexing against her breasts and I marvel at the feel of this. At the pure electrical current that runs through my skin and into hers. The tingling, burning sensation that exists where ever we touch.

"I want...I want to touch you. Can I touch you?"

Her voice is breathless, unrecognizable with want and need and I give in.

"Yes, yes God, _please_!"

She flips me over and I smile at her haste, wondering where the shy girl that froze up on the couch went. I would have asked her too, but then her hand cups my center and we both shudder at the sensation. Her fingers explore my wetness, the slick heat that she caused, and it makes it hard to breath. Makes it hard to do anything but lie there and feel.

When a finger accidentally finds my clit, I gasp. She pulls back like I slapped her and then when she focuses back on my face she smiles.

"Okay, you liked that. Noted."

She does it again and smiles so wide when I arch up and groan, that I actually find myself breathlessly laughing with her.

"I liked that. I loved that. I love you..."

I'm not making much sense, but it doesn't matter, because Spencer is already moving on. Her mouth is back on my breast and her fingers are still lazily driving me insane. She strokes the length of me, hesitates when she comes back to where I want her the most. Where I need her to fill me.

Then suddenly her mouth is against my own, a hand against my cheek as she whispers words into my mouth.

"I hope this doesn't suck...and I love you too."

Then she's inside of me.

"Yes...oh fuck, _yes_!"

My mind goes numb, takes a vacation and leaves my body in charge. I buck up against her hand, meeting her as she strokes me, as she explores and touches every part of me. As she buries her face in my neck and breathes heavily against my skin, all the while moving inside of me.

Then her thumb goes up and brushes my clit again and I come so hard that I think I may die. Her fumbling hands, her virgin, unpracticed hands, gave me more pleasure than I've ever experienced in my life before.

I suck in air as I try not to pass out, as emotion and my orgasm rip through me and send me spiraling. Minutes later, when my breathing is easier despite Spencer still lying heavily on top of me, I finally open my eyes again.

"Jesus Christ, I think you broke me."

Spencer doesn't move for a second, actually stills completely, before she pushes herself up and looks at me with hazy, wanting eyes.

"The good kind of breaking, or the bad kind?"

She's breathing hard, her jaw working steadily and I finally realize that Spencer is seconds away from exploding herself. She's so turned on and worked up and suddenly I feel guilty that I was so selfish.

This was her first time, it should have been about her. I should have touched her, _loved her_, first.

"Come here and I'll show you."

I make up for it pretty well I think.

She's hungry and twitchy beneath me, her body moving instinctively against me to bring her some relief and I want to draw it out, I want to make it last for her, but she's got this confused, almost pained look on her face and I can't hold back.

I know what she needs, what her body is begging for, so I slip my hand between her thighs and gently slip a finger into her. Marveling at how wet she is, at how easily my finger fits in her.

She stills, her breath hitching and her back arching and I know I should have warned her, but I didn't want her to tense up and have it hurt. She releases the breath she was holding and her eyes find mine. I move inside her again, gently and slowly, letting her get used to the feeling. She smiles, her eyes closing when I brush her clit in the same slow manner and I know it's good.

I watch her face as I go on, my hand never rushing the pace as I simply enjoy the sound of her soft whimpers, watch as her body grows restless beneath my lazy hand.

"I want...I want more..."

I smile and lean down, my lips finding her open mouth as I stroke her more earnestly, adding a finger and working her clit at the same time. I know where to touch, when to gently nip at her nipple. I know when she's close, know that I need just a little more to give her what she gave me. Know what will make her feel what she made me feel.

So without hesitation I slip down her body, my one hand still teasing her nipple as my other buries itself as deep as it can go inside of her.

When my mouth finds her sex, she gives a surprised 'Oh' and then seconds later she shudders and I feel her clench around my fingers. She's over the edge and I've never felt such a feeling of accomplishment in my life before.

I think I was born to do this, to steal her breath and make her feel good.

"I love you. I love you so much."

I crawl back up her body, smiling when I see her face, the awed expression she wears and the still heavy lidded eyes.

"I love you too."

Spencer inhales heavily and then blows out the breath with a deep laugh, her face so bright and happy that my heart starts to race a little again.

"That was...I mean wow, I got that it had to be good and all, but that was...wow."

I find myself giggling with her and then she's wrapping me up in her arms, holding me so tight it hurts.

"Thanks for that. Thanks for making my first time that incredible."

I smile and I know it's smug, but hey, I'm pretty damn proud of myself here. I mean this was kind of a first time for me to. I've never been with a girl after all.

"I was just giving as good as I got is all. Let's just hope this wasn't beginners luck or something."

Spencer pinches my arm and I swat her hand away, laughing happily as she sloppily kisses my shoulder and then lies back again.

"You know my parents are going to kill me right? I was supposed to be home hours ago and it's not like I can say, 'Hey, sorry I'm late, but I would have been home sooner if I wasn't making hot, lesbian love with my girlfriend.' I might be grounded for a week after this."

I almost have a heart attack at the thought of not seeing Spencer for a week, not being able to spend time alone with her and talk.

Fine, I just really want to do this again. Like,_ all_ the time. I figure things like clothes and conversation will be pretty much over rated in my book for quite some time.

"So stay and make it worth it."

Wordlessly she nods her head, snuggles closer to me and all is right with my world. I have all I'll ever need right here in this bed, in my arms. Kyla, Aiden, everything else can wait for another day. Today, this moment, is all mine and Spencer's.

This is another moment, another memory that is burned into me, that will be a part of my dreams for as long as I live. This is the most important, best and sweetest memory of all. This is my everything.

Epilogue

Spencer's point of view.

I look around me and smile as I take in the view of everyone standing around, taking pictures and smiling and hugging. There's something bittersweet about all of this, about the way that people that used to be mean to me smiled at me today, that a few even signed my yearbook. There's just a feel of hope today. I see it in most of the faces around me, see it in all the possible futures that awaits us all.

Today I'm graduating, excited to start my last summer vacation before real life kicks in. It'll be the last time I'm a kid, the last time I can lie on a beach and not have responsibilities weighing me down. It's my childhood coming to a close.

Man, Ashley would so laugh her ass of if she could hear me now!

She says I'm a cornball, that I romanticize everything, but then she's the one that leaves me a love letter in my locker each morning. She's the one that still watches me sleep and keeps breath mints by her bed so we don't have to get up and brush our teeth before kissing.

In my eyes, she's the true cornball.

A hot, sexy cornball that does this amazing thing with her tongue...

Uhm...where was I again?

Right, she's the romantic one and I'm the sensible one. I keep telling her that and she keeps proving me right every single day.

Since that day at her father's beach house, the day we made love, it's been different between us.

Good different, obviously. Carmen says it's like we've been tied together by invisible rope, or super glued together and it's true, because we're together every waking moment and I can't be happier because of it. We just fit now.

I can't remember the last time Ashley got drunk, or the last time I saw her pissed off. Well, okay, we fight like any normal couple, but then Ashley always just jumps me and that's the end of the argument.

She says my pissed off face is sexy and I think she sometimes simply picks a fight because of it.

"Hey good looking, what're you doing here all by your lonesome? I missed you."

Ashley wraps her arms around my waist and smiles. She's all crinkly nosed and bright eyed and my heart misses a beat, despite me seeing that smile every single day.

I give her a smile of my own, because she's the one that left me to go to the bathroom only five minutes ago and now she's whining about missing me. Sadly, I even love her whining.

"I'm hiding from my mother."

Ashley nods her head understandingly and gives me a quick kiss, not bothered that other people can see us. After a month or so of trying to be discreet about our relationship, we pretty much blew it. We were just sitting in the quad at lunch and Carmen had said something about Madison's ass resembling a blimp, when Ashley had leaned over and kissed me. Right on the mouth, long and hard.

Later she said it's because she loves the sound of me laughing and she couldn't not do it. So we came out at school and then at home.

Hence me now hiding from my mother. Let's just say she didn't take it so well.

"Very understandable, the woman gives me the willies. Is she still trying to get you to go on that trip with her friends son, the Patrick guy?"

I just roll my eyes at the mention of Patrick, because the guys an ass, but my mother loves him and truly believes I'd leave my super hot girlfriend for his skinny ass.

Not gonna happen.

"Yeah, but I told her I've got plans with you this summer and if she didn't stop nagging me about it, I'd take you to the hospital with me and we'd make out in front of her boss. She was horrified."

Ashley laughs and squeezes me once, her arms finally loosening when we hear an all too familiar voice drifting over.

"But Arthur, she wants to spend the summer with that girl she's been...doing stuff with. _Sinful things_, Arthur! I mean as if it's not bad enough she lost the valedictorian position to that Carmen girl..."

I just laugh and drag Ashley off in the other direction, pretty sure my Dad will handle my mom. Me coming out had finally forced my dad to grow a spine and stand up to my mother. He's a different man these days and strangely enough, my mother seems to prefer this version of him. She's home almost every night for dinner and they even went away a few times over the weekends, to get to know each other again.

Ashley says my mom simply likes her men bossier and that my dad finally figured that out.

I don't honestly care, as long as he's happy now.

I finally spot Carmen standing awkwardly between her mother and sister, smiling stiffly in her cap and gown. Her brother, the nice one, is taking photo's and saying something that's making Carmen blush.

When she spots us she bolts away from the mushy family gathering, her mother's proud crying and her sisters loud voice congratulating her probably too much for her.

"Oh God, where were you guys? My mother's been crying non stop since I made the speech and my sister's been hitting on Mr Hinkle all morning. This is mortifying."

Ashley snorts and shakes her head, patting her on the back.

"Mortifying is having Spencer's mom walk in on you while you're doing the dirty! That?" She points towards Mrs Garcia and looks at Carmen again. "That's you lucky to have people that care about you."

Carmen shoves Ashley's arm off her back and gives me a look.

"You've got to stop making her watch Oprah with you, Sunshine, it's just weird to see her all...sweet and sappy like this. Freaks me out."

She gives a fake shiver and Ashley slaps her in the arm, hard.

"Shut up! I'm not sappy, okay? And I don't watch Oprah, so go take a flying dive off the roof."

Carmen gives me a look and I silently mouth the words 'she does watch' to her. Carmen smiles and shakes her head and I just pull Ashley close again.

She cries like a baby during almost all the episodes and I've actually tried to get her to stop watching, because I hate to see her cry.

"So what do we do know?"

It's Ashley that ask the question, her eyes on my face as she tugs a piece of my hair behind my ear and nuzzles in.

"We could go get beer and pizza? Michelle said her parents weren't home and we're more than welcome to hang there if you guys don't want to hit any of the graduation parties?"

I sigh when Carmen mentions Michelle and I can feel Ashley beside me shift uncomfortably. It's not that we dislike Michelle, but she basically jumped on Carmen the minute she realized that she was vulnerable and hurting. I mean days after Kyla did what she did, Michelle ran into the three of us at a cafe and basically went for the kill when it was obvious that Kyla wasn't in the picture anymore.

The thought of Kyla makes me sad, almost makes me lose that feeling of elation and excitement that graduation had given me.

I can't remember the last time I spoke to Kyla.

After that morning in the kitchen I tried to talk to her, tried to tell her I was sorry for saying what I did, but she wouldn't hear it. She just...cut me off.

It hurt so much, still does really.

She's with Aiden now, the two of them seemingly as happy as can be. I don't buy it for a second, but it's not my place to interfere anymore. I don't have that right anymore. She's got other friends now and she's living her fake happy, normal life. It's what she wanted, but it still makes me sad to think that one day that wont be enough anymore.

One day, she won't be able to deny who she is, what she is.

I simply hope that when that day comes, I'll still be around somehow.

So I nod my head and agree to beer and pizza, taking Ashley's hand in my own as we walk over to where I spotted my parents. Carmen follows, sporting an almost happy smile and I'm relieved to see it. She's not happy, not like me and Ashley, but she's doing okay. She's got Michelle and she's got us and that seems to be enough to keep her going, despite me knowing that she's still very much in love with Kyla.

I saw it everyday, when we sat in class and she would watch Kyla and then sigh softly under her breath, her face so sad it even made Ashley shake her head in disappointment. At least things between Ashley and Kyla are okay at home. We don't talk about it much, but I know Ashley was scared that her coming out would affect their relationship.

Still, all in all, despite what happened this year, it was the best year of my life.

I went from being alone, from loving someone that I thought I'd never have a chance with, to being happier than I ever expected to be, because I have Ashley.

I have this strong, amazing, beautiful girl and we love each other. No matter what happens in my life from this point on, no matter what I do or where I go, I'm already living my dream, because she's in my life. I've already achieved everything that really means something in this life, I've already got the greatest gift that one could ask for.

And what makes it all better, what makes everything that much greater, is she feels the same way. Every time she kisses me, every time she smiles at me, every time we lose ourselves in each other, our bodies and hearts both tangling so wonderfully, I'm reminded of that fact.

Nothing in my future can take that away from me...

"Hey, Spence?"

Ashley's voice is soft when she speaks, her hand tightening its hold on my own.

"Yeah?"

"I love you..."

"Forever and ever?"

"Yeah, Spence, forever and ever."

I sigh and nod my head.

"Good, 'cos I love you too. Forever and ever."

Then we turn and walk away from school, walk away from the old and into the new, the unexpected. We don't look back and we don't hesitate, her grip on my hand tight and secure and my smile sure and confident.

We walk away and leave childhood behind, sure that everything that awaits us in the future will turn out fine, simply because our will to have it so is _that_ strong, because we love each other_ that_ much.

The end.

- - - -

**Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed.**


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